New to Poly relationship

Matthew81

New member
Hello everyone,
I am new here and to Poly life in general and am looking for some reassurance and guidance in my life. A little about myself and my story so far. My wife decided about a month ago that she was unhappy with only one man in her life. She had just started working after taking about 2 years off. In her first week she met a man who would go out of his way to help her get her job done. They started talking and hit it off, within a couple of days they were dating. She stayed at her moms for the first week of work so our 7 year old had someone to help him with his school work and so she had a ride to work, as we only had 1 vehicle at the time. After she got her first paycheck she asks me to help her finance a new truck, the next day tells me she has a boyfriend and asks if that's ok.
Wanting to make my wife happy I agree, at this point I am in total shock and denial. I have no idea what is going on and feel like my whole world is collapsing around me. The last several weeks have been a roller coaster ride of emotions for me, and I am sure I have been making mistakes. A couple weekends ago I lost my composure because she broke one of the boundaries she set. He wasn't allowed in our bedroom, and she coerced him into our bedroom to look at her sexy outfits and toys. There were already a lot of changes going on in our lives she got a new job and our son started school(he has since started physically going to school instead of doing online, we just couldn't manage doing online schooling with both of us working). She does home rehabs about an hour from home, so that in itself is a huge stressor on our marriage as we figure out a schedule that works for her. I had to rearrange my schedule at work to accommodate our sons school, and the dogs are left home alone all day. My work schedule is 6am to 3pm, hers is supposedly 10am to 6pm. She never seems to be able to get out of work on time however, and there are an abundance of reasons she has but it mostly boils down to the fact her boyfriend works with her. He was staying in a hotel out here by our house and she was giving him a ride to work every day, so they would stop and get breakfast after dropping our son off at school. They take lunch together and go to bob evans, she has to take him to do service calls, and so on so her work isn't getting done. I have confronted both of them about this, though I get a response of "we were both hungry", or "it's none of my business". I wouldn't mind so much if I got to spend time with my wife, but she will usually not come home until 11pm or later. Our child doesn't get to spend quality time with her, her dogs don't get to spend quality time with her, and I don't get to spend quality time with her. Her boyfriend says he doesn't get to spend quality time with her either, he wants more time. She is already saying she should spend every other weekend with him and has stayed at his hotel room 3 times. She hasn't got her paycheck from last week, I am starting to think her boss isn't paying her because she is spending all her time with her boyfriend.
According to both of them they are not having sex yet. She says she doesn't want to move too quickly with him, however she buys his breakfast and lunch, drives him to and from work, and spends all of her spare time either with him or texting him. Lately I have felt like I am only here for financial support and to take care of our son and the dogs while she does what she wants. Today, she didn't go into work until late because she stayed last night until 4am. I asked her at 1130am if she wanted to get some lunch since she was getting ready to head to work. She said no, then after she got to work told me her and her boyfriend were going to get lunch. I felt so devastated, I almost doubled over and cried at work.
I have been asking her for some comfort and reassurance, and I just feel like I haven't been getting any, her answer is join a forum and ask for advice. I have been searching for ways to better myself and my relationship with my wife, and I have been trying to implement changes to how I react and treat the things she says but I feel like I'm not getting the same courtesy. Tomorrow he is supposed to come stay here and sleep on the couch in the living room for a few days so that we can all bond and get to know each other better. I wish I had some positives about my experience so far, but it has just been a train wreck and I can only hope it will get better.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I am sorry you struggle. I mean all this kindly ok?


My wife decided about a month ago that she was unhappy with only one man in her life. She had just started working after taking about 2 years off. In her first week she met a man who would go out of his way to help her get her job done. They started talking and hit it off, within a couple of days they were dating. She stayed at her moms for the first week of work so our 7 year old had someone to help him with his school work and so she had a ride to work, as we only had 1 vehicle at the time. After she got her first paycheck she asks me to help her finance a new truck, the next day tells me she has a boyfriend and asks if that's ok.
Wanting to make my wife happy I agree, at this point I am in total shock and denial

You know this is not ethical poly right? Assuming you had the typically marriage agreements? She was cheating on her agreements . Then wants to call it poly afterward. If it is ok with you. Why didn't you say "NO, this is not ok?"

I don't know why you said it was ok with you that she was doing that. One can cheat on their poly agreements too. It's not the relationship model that stops cheating. It is the character of the person and their ability to keep their word.

To me it sounds like she started a cheating affair, tried to whitewash it with the poly brush, but really it's "cheating out in the open" now and you too stunned/shocked to catch up or make waves about it. Maybe because you are afraid to break up?

Is any of that true?

If so? You are being treated very poorly here. I don't count consent from a person in shock as actual consent.

Do you even want to be here doing this like this? Doesn't sound like it to me.

I think you could put your foot down and start saying "No, thanks." She might still do the stuff, but she will know it is NOT with your consent and you can change your focus to getting yourself off the train wreck.

Lately I have felt like I am only here for financial support and to take care of our son and the dogs while she does what she wants.

You are the one there. Are you? You would know. If so? Sounds like she's checked out of the marriage or in the process of checking out.

Since you take care of things your own anyway? Could cut down on the wacky bits then.
  • Could tell her you want a separation is she's bent on seeing this dude. This is not what you wanted in marriage.
  • She has a job and paycheck. Go to the bank. Close any joint accounts, and give her half. Make separate accounts to live on during separation. You each have a paycheck to live on during separation.
  • She can go live with her mom or the BF or whatever. She was doing that already.
  • Then you don't have her and her BF going in and out of the home you are at. Or you move out and leave her the home. So you can have some quiet space to figure out if this marriage is something worth investing in still if she's checking out or if you want to move on to divorce and end the marriage.
You don't sound like you want to keep going like THIS. So something has to change. Scary as it might be.

I have been searching for ways to better myself and my relationship with my wife, and I have been trying to implement changes to how I react and treat the things she says but I feel like I'm not getting the same courtesy.

A relationship takes effort from both sides. Your 100%? Is only 50% of the fuel.

If she's treating you poorly? She's not putting in her share so the marriage relationship can be ok?

Even if you put in 200%? It's not going to make up for the fact that she's checked out and not putting in effort. It just makes YOU burning out from carrying the whole thing yourself. That's not relating back and forth. That you doing everything.

Part of bettering yourself might be deciding you don't want this. And you have a personal boundary. Of "I love you, but not even for you will I do stuff or stick around in stuff that hurts me." You sound like you are hurting a lot.

Tomorrow he is supposed to come stay here and sleep on the couch in the living room for a few days so that we can all bond and get to know each other better.

WHY? Do you even want this? Or was this just wife announcing it and you are going along with whatever because you are in shock and trying not to make waves while trying to get your feet back under you?

I do sympathize if you have been thrown for a loop.

I think you have to be firmer though if you want to create some stability for yourself amid the wacky.

If you don't want to be doing things? DO NOT DO THEM.

If you don't want to participate here like this and wife will not listen? Separate. So each of you has time and space to decide if you want to keep trying to invest in the marriage or if it is best disbanded.

If this feels like a train wreck to you? Get off the train. You are not obligated to stay there in the line of fire.

She can have more than one man in her life. One of them doesn't have to be YOU though, if you think this is all a train wreck mess. Where you are basically being used for childcare and finances, not treated with courtesy, and neglected/ignored.

You can save yourself. Choose to get off the train.

Galagirl
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hello Matthew81,

To summarize, you seem to be in Poly Hell. Your wife is getting everything she wants; you are getting nothing that you want. She is all caught up in NRE and is high on endorphins, and has completely forgotten that you deserve to be treated decently. She acquired a boyfriend first and then asked for your permission (backwards compared to the order in which she should have done it). She rode the shock value, and let you mouth the word "Yes" just out of not knowing what to say. And now this boyfriend of hers claims that he isn't getting any quality time with her: a complete distortion of the objective facts.

The first thing you must do is figure out whether you are willing and able to say yes to poly under any circumstances. Put aside, for a moment, the shock and the denial. And ask yourself, "Would I be okay with poly if my wife was treating me right?" and if your answer is, "No! I want it to stop now!" then you must sit down with your wife and say, "Honey, I can't honestly consent to polyamory. If you want me to continue to be your husband, then you must lose the boyfriend."

If, on the other hand, your answer is, "Yes. It's not the poly itself that bothers me, it's the way my wife is treating me." Then you must sit down with your wife and say, "Honey, I can consent to poly per se, but I can't consent to the way you're neglecting me. It's gotten so bad, that you might lose me as a husband if things don't improve." Then outline some of the changes you need her to make. Starting, probably, with the fact that you need her to spend more time with you. Then, tell her that you need her to spend more time with the dogs and your son. Finally, tell her that you prefer parallel poly, and that you do not want her boyfriend to be in your house.

These are the things that I would suggest you do for starters. There may other things you want your wife to do, so spend some time thinking about what those things are. But if you realize that polyamory is not something you would want under any circumstances, then stop right there, because what if your wife refuses to lose the boyfriend? I know that divorce is the last thing you want to consider, especially with a child in the house, but you must realize that you and your wife may have grown apart. It's possible that there isn't any marriage left to save.

There is nothing wrong with monogamy; polyamory isn't for everyone.
I'm sorry this has happened to you.
With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 

Matthew81

New member
Thank you @GalaGirl and @kdt26417 for your responses, although it seems they fairly closely mimic my thoughts. As far as him spending time here it was my idea, I am hoping it will show him that she is in fact not spending time at home, and desperately needs to. She took the day off work today to clean the house, doesn't help my case but at least it's clean now. I have been trying to avoid ultimatums, however it seems that is what I keep receiving. I still love my wife and want to be with her, I want her to be happy but I don't think it's worth the expense of my happiness. I am going to see how the next few weeks unfold and keep my post active and updated. I feel like venting a little and hearing from others really helps.
I looked into the parallel poly and depending on how things go I may offer up that idea. Both of them seem to want a tri relationship however I'm not bi and from my perspective other than my wife's happiness I get nothing from that relationship other than another person's bills to deal with. On the other hand the parallel relationship would be more like it is now where she is just never home. I have started backing off doing things for her and told her if she loves me she needs to show it, not just say it when. She needs to make me feel like I'm important to her, which I currently don't. She needs to communicate better and have a schedule for her life, things she should have had before she decided this was what she wanted. I guess for now I'll play it by ear and see how things progress from here, and a sincere thank you for reading my ramblings.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hi Matthew,

I had not thought of that, perhaps there are advantages to having him over to your house. If he does come over, take advantage of the situation by sitting down with him and having a heart-to-heart. It's true you're not bi, but that doesn't mean you couldn't strike up a platonic friendship with him. If you do, it might make him seem less threatening to you.

It's good that you had a talk with your wife, maybe now she realizes that she is not giving the marriage the attention it deserves. Do keep in mind that she is all caught up in NRE, and that means it's hard for her to remember to tend to you without frequent reminders. She needs to remember that if she'll treat you really good, you'll actually see that as a plus side to this polyamory, and go along with it more. I hope that's how things will go.

That's awesome if you can keep us updated on your evolving situation. We will try to continue to respond with our thoughts and advice. If there's anything you want to know about poly in general, let us know. We will try to answer any questions you might have.

Much regards,
Kevin T.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
As far as him spending time here it was my idea, I am hoping it will show him that she is in fact not spending time at home, and desperately needs to.

I see where you want wife to be more present in the home and in your relationship with her. That is your want/need.

Does wife want that?

What does Dude have to do with wife not spending time at home? Are you hoping by having him over HE will tell wife to get it together in her marriage and her home/parenting obligations?

Why would that be his job?

She took the day off work today to clean the house, doesn't help my case but at least it's clean now. I have been trying to avoid ultimatums, however it seems that is what I keep receiving.

What ultimatum did wife give you?


I still love my wife and want to be with her, I want her to be happy but I don't think it's worth the expense of my happiness.

Yes. One must be able to say "I love you a whole lot, but not even for you will I do stuff that hurts me."


I looked into the parallel poly and depending on how things go I may offer up that idea. Both of them seem to want a tri relationship

Don't let yourself get railroaded into stuff you do not want like a triad.

They can go have that triad with someone else who is NOT you. MORE mess is not going to solve present mess.

I'm not bi and from my perspective other than my wife's happiness I get nothing from that relationship other than another person's bills to deal with.

You pay his bills?

On the other hand the parallel relationship would be more like it is now where she is just never home. I have started backing off doing things for her and told her if she loves me she needs to show it, not just say it when.

Sounds like you are tired of being taken for granted/neglected etc.

She needs to make me feel like I'm important to her, which I currently don't.

That is not her need. It is your need. You want/need her to do behavior that shows she values you and you are important to her as more than just a wallet/finances person.


Lately I have felt like I am only here for financial support and to take care of our son and the dogs while she does what she wants.

IS she checking out? And all she wants you for is to pay her bills?

You are the one there. You would be the one to know if she's just going through the motions of marriage with you and no longer interested.

She needs to communicate better and have a schedule for her life, things she should have had before she decided this was what she wanted.

If she jumped into this cheating relationship and now wants to try to turn it into poly? The fact that she didn't think things out, doesn't communicate well, and doesn't have a schedule for her life... that's all her problem.

I can see where her choices affect you, and then it also becomes your problem.

If you request changes, and she's just not going to change her behavior? The only thing left is to accept she's not gonna change. And then make it so her behaviors don't ding YOU any more. Put some distance between you.

I guess for now I'll play it by ear and see how things progress from here, and a sincere thank you for reading my ramblings.

I hope you feel a little better for the vent. The way this whole thing unfolded sounds like a big mess. :(

I'm sorry you have to deal in it and figure out what you want to do about it.

I agree with Kevin. Poly Hell to the max, but it's not actually consenting, ethical poly from the sound of it. It seems more like "cheating out in the open" with you going along for the ride to me.

Was that the ultimatum? Do this or she dumps you?

Galagirl
 
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Magdlyn

Well-known member
Yikes! This is a big ol' ride on the crazy train.

To begin with, I think your wife was just "Mommy" for several years, and now all of a sudden she's got some free "me time" at work. She's reliving her single carefree days when all she had to care about was her own pleasure. She feels no responsibility to you, her son, her dogs. She's just having a fun time in NRE. She may not even be actually working, if she's not getting regular paychecks. Also, it sounds like her boy toy is low on funds, and she's (you are) treating him to meals!

You're paying for this in more ways than one. It's time to take action. Successfully Opening a marriage almost always begin with at least a year of preparation, reading, maybe counseling, long open conversations and soul searching, setting personal boundaries. You guys skipped that very important crucial part!

This is partly on you. You agreed to it. "In shock" or not, you set about pleasing her at your own expense, and now it's all much worse than you imagined.

I am very glad you came here. Read around, get informed. I hope you can get wifey to pump the brakes before your marriage flies off the rollercoaster at the creepy Stephen King amusement park, and ends up sinking into the Atlantic Ocean, never to be seen again.
 

MeeraReed

Member
Healthy poly relationships almost never start with one monogamously married spouse suddenly saying, "I have a boyfriend, hope that's okay!" It is perfectly valid for you to NOT be okay with that.
 

FallenAngelina

Active member
.....She needs to make me feel like I'm important to her, which I currently don't. She needs to communicate better and have a schedule for her life, things she should have had before she decided this was what she wanted.

This will not work.

You place yourself in a powerless and resentful position when you need your partner to make big changes in order for things to be "set right." Needing your wife to change and accommodating her at the expense of your values (AKA what is right for you) are both huge red flags about your part in all of this. Any time that we need someone else to make a big change so that we can find peace of mind, we can see exactly where we must dig into ourselves and do a lot of work.
 

Matthew81

New member
So, it's been a while since I updated this. The weekend went really well. I will just refer to my wife's boyfriend as W and my wife as T from now on. W and I get along very well, we have quite a few mutual interests and spent a good bit of time talking about where our relationship with T currently is and where we want it to be. W insisted on helping with some of the home repairs T had told him about, and we had a nice time hanging out and getting some things fixed around the house. We sat down as a group and watched some movies and played a few video games, had a good group discussion about intentions of where we would all like to see things go. I think it ended up being very good for all 3 of us, we are all a lot more comfortable with each other now. W and T still haven't had sex yet. W slept in the spare bedroom, T still isn't comfortable with W in our bedroom. Both of them were worried about my reaction to them kissing and cuddling but after I reassured them I wasn't going to spaz out they slowly became more comfortable, and I consider that movement in a positive direction.
On the other hand, T terminated her employment with the company W works for over the weekend. She has since went into independant subcontracting which is nice because she can make her own schedule, however W and I still feel she is dedicating too much time into her job and needs to slow down. She is however slowly getting better with communicating so that W and I can plan things around her schedule. W has also decided to find a place by us so T has more time at home and it's easier for him to come by and hang out as well. Overall it was a very pleasant experience and I think all of us are better off for it.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Glad to hear things are looking up for all three of you.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
It's very helpful if you choose actual nicknames for your partners, metamours, children, etc., rather than just using initials. You may have no trouble with W and T, but you readers do!

So, wife met bf in September, they haven't had sex yet, but he's already planning to move to be closer to her? Is he on a month-by-month lease?

Wife has already quit the job she was going to with bf? So there won't be any more drives and coffees together? Has she committed to working more and actually getting a paycheck? Is she interacting more with the child and pets?

I thought bf wasn't allowed in your bedroom as an agreement between you and wife. Now you said that she doesn't want bf in that bedroom. Are you fine with him in your bedroom now?
 
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