New to Polyamory

T

Tatertot

New member
Hello,
I just got into my first real relationship with my partner at the start of this month. She is poly and I grew up only knowing about monogamous relationships. She is afraid that because I grew up monogamous I wouldn't be able to handle her being poly. I've been trying to learn as much as I can about polyamory so I can understand her better. I really care about her and I don't want my ignorance to get in the way of our new relationship. I've been watching ]videos, reading different blogs and books. I'm not experienced in a lot of different things, and she feels like she wont be a good first partner because I am still trying to learn things about myself and what being in a relationship is like. I just want people to talk to about it. People who I've tried talking to is against poly, and is afraid I'm going to get hurt because she is poly. I have so many questions. Any advice or having someone to talk to about it would be really nice.

sincerely,
Tatertot
 
I guess you could take it one thing at a time. I don't know the ages here, but I'll tell you what I told my kids.

I just got into my first real relationship with my partner at the start of this month.
Click to expand...

Usually your first serious young adult relationship, in your late teens or 20s, is also your first serious breakup. People are learning how to date. While someone has to be the first one, it doesn't make them automatically compatible past the initial attraction. Through dating and getting to know each other better, you will figure out if you are deeply compatible or not.

She is afraid that because I grew up monogamous I wouldn't be able to handle her being poly.
Click to expand...

You could thank her for being honest, and be honest back. Say something like, "Well, I'd like to date you and try. If it doesn't pan out, I'd like to have a good breakup. There's nothing wrong with parting peacefully."

I've been trying to learn as much as I can about polyamory so I can understand her better. I really care about her and I don't want my ignorance to get in the way of our new relationship. I've been watching videos, reading different blogs and books.
Click to expand...

It's good that you are taking personal responsibility for education yourself.

I'm not experienced in a lot of different things, and she feels like she won't be a good first partner because I am still trying to learn things about myself and what being in a relationship is like.
Click to expand...

You might be new to dating, but you are still the expert on you and what you will and will not put up with in a relationship. All you need to quit is "I don't want to do this anymore." If she just doesn't want to date you, she could break up with you decently.

Is that the problem? She's trying to get you to be the "breaker-upper" rather than doing it herself more directly?

Is the problem that she doesn't know how to be a healthy partner, and you have a better sense of it than she does, even though she's dated more than you?


www.loveisrespect.org

Home

Healthy relationships for young adults can be confusing. Love is more than just the way you feel, and we're here to help.
www.loveisrespect.org www.loveisrespect.org

Is it that both are relatively new to dating? If so, you might get a copy of Heather Corinna's book.

heathercorinna.com

S.E.X., second edition: The All-You-Need-To-Know Sexuality Guide to Get You Through Your Teens and Twenties - Heather Corinna

The most popular sex and relationships guide written for teens and young adults out there, S.E.X. tackles everything they want to know about sex, from consent, safe sex, emotional health and more. As a teen or emerging adult, dealing with all the changes going on...
heathercorinna.com heathercorinna.com

While geared for those ages, anyone could read it.

I just want people to talk to about it. People who I've tried talking to are against poly, and afraid I'm going to get hurt because she is poly.
Click to expand...

Well, what would you like to talk about?

Even people seeking monogamy don't "go steady" from date 1. They might date several people for a while first. That's not much different than the start of poly dating.

People seeking monogamy also sometimes get their feelings hurt while dating. It's not like they only get hurt poly-dating. This "getting hurt" fear -- there's a solution if people are not compatible. The people can break up, as peacefully as possible. Breaking up is not "fun." like. "Wheee! Let's get ice cream!" but it is normal in dating, because not every person we date is going to pan out. It's important dating skill to develop -- assessing compatibility, and bowing out respectfully if there's just not enough in common. Nobody has to be the bad guy. The people just don't "click."

Galagirl
 
I am 26, almost 27, female, and my partner is 28, almost 29. She was married and tried to be mono for him, but being mono was not for her. We had gone on several dates before I asked her out. She asked me several questions specifically about how she is poly and she wasn't going to change that about herself. I told her I didn't want her to change who she is for me or anyone else.

She isn't trying to make me the "breaker upper." There were just a few concerns due to me learning and how she lives her life already. She told me today, "I appreciate that you are taking the time to learn about this, I do want to say that." I'm just trying to educate myself and to learn as much as possible to be able to talk to her about these things, as well as learn things about myself.

I never thought about dating anyone. I usually was the one who would like someone, tell them, and it didn't end well. She pursued me first and purposely did things to stay in my life. I've had a few toxic situation-ships, so I'm just trying to wrap my head around it. I really do like her and care about her. Just trying to figure things out.
 
Hi Tatertot :)
Would you be able to list some of your questions so we can address those specifically? There are a LOT of ways to "do polyamory" - that's one of the neat things about it, you actively, intentionally design your relationships. There's a book called Designer Relationships that talks about a variety of forms of ethical non-monogamy, perhaps it may appeal to you.
Some people cohabit with their polycule, some with only part of it. Some move between two houses, which is how I'll be living soon enough. Some live alone and just visit their partners. Part of dating, just like with monogamy, is to see if you want the same things long term. But honestly, at the very beginning, you could opt to just enjoy getting to know her. You don't need to discuss the possibility of a white picket fence house, 2.4 kids and a dog right now (and yes, that's doable in polyamory, it just looks a little different than in monogamy).
Please, do ask some questions though so we can give a little more specific advice :)
 
I just want to know everything about it. Like the different definitions used and structures. What communication and boundaries look like (I know they are different for everyone), dealing with potential jealousy and other emotions (everyone is human), what it looks like in social/practical considerations.

I have heard about poly before, but never have I met someone who has told me they are, let alone someone with mutual feelings for. I know there is a lot of stigma around the poly community, because people are raised and taught to be monogamous. I'm young and learning. I want to be able to have future conversations and know what she is talking about when it comes to poly relationships and her future partners. I am interested in learning, but I also want to show to her I want to learn to better understand her and this relationship orientation.

Plus I don't know what I am, that's what I am trying to figure out and learn. As of right now, she believes I'm monogamous, which until I figure out I am not, I can't disagree with her. She is afraid she is going to hurt me because she's poly.
 
Our Golden Nuggets forum may suit you. There's a lot there, though, so pace yourself.

Here's the glossary link from there: https://polyamory.com/threads/glossary-and-definitions.1720/

Here's Kevin's jealousy links list from another thread: https://polyamory.com/threads/a-little-help-if-you-can.159015/post-520034

To be "good" at polyamory, it's generally a good idea to be good at keeping your own company and interests. If you spend your time away from your paramour pining for them rather than simply getting on with your own full life, you're going to hurt yourself with the inner monologue you create.

Non-violent communication skills could be useful (here's a reddit link with some useful discussion
https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/tjnxtr/nonviolent_communication_does_it_actually_work
)

These may get you started, help you hone some questions :)
 
Hey Tatertot!

I wish I could be more helpful, but all I can really say is that you are not alone. I'm in a similar situation. My gf is poly, and while I've had relationships before, this is my first time dating someone who wants to date someone else. There's a lot of information and great people on here, so you're in the right place. Try to be gentle with yourself and be an emotion scientist. I would challenge your gf's belief that she will hurt you by being poly with the fact that 1) you are aware of the risk and 2) relationships are tricky and could hurt people for a hundred other reasons that aren't being poly. So if those things are true, is it not worth pursuing any relationship if the other person could get hurt?
 
Tatertot said:
It's okay. How has your experience been with dating your girlfriend that is poly?
Click to expand...
It's definitely not for the faint of heart. She's been poly the whole time but only in the last 6 months or so started pursuing other partners. We are also a mixed neuro type relationship. I'm autistic and she has ADHD so our interpretation of the same event or even sentences can be wildly different. Communication is such a crucial foundation in any relationship but that is definitely amplified in a poly relationship.

At the end of the day we have both committed to the idea of maintaining our relationship with the expectation that emotions will happen and we may get triggered. For me, the focus is on the reparative work after a rupture. I can only control myself. I know in my heart that I am capable of becoming a more securely attached partner. I know that this relationship will challenge me in many ways, but regardless I know that whether it works out or not it will have taught me a lot about being a better human and a better partner.

If you ever want to DM me and chat more please don't hesitate to reach out!
 
Hello Tatertot,

Most of us grew up monogamous, that shouldn't be a reason for your partner to push you away. Especially when you are trying to learn all you can about poly. What more could she ask? It's good that you are here to converse with poly people, we can help you with feedback, advice, and answers to your questions.

Check out our Golden Nuggets section, such as our Glossary/Definitions thread. Be aware that the answers to your questions will probably prompt new questions for you, this is perfectly okay and part of the learning process. Keep reading and posting, share more of your thoughts, story, and questions as such things arise. We are here to help.

Re: communication ... should be done often and well. Practice makes perfect as the saying goes, and good communication is a lifelong endeavor. Communicate transparently and kindly. Avoid assumptions like the plague. Give/get confirmation. Try not to assign/shoulder blame, no one is the bad guy here, you are just two (or more) people trying to work things out. Explore the topic of NVC.

Re: boundaries ... are the limits that you recognize for yourself, and you decide how you will respond if someone trespasses over those limits. Also there are mutual agreements that you have in addition to your personal boundaries. Every person is unique, and every relationship is unique. You have to decide/negotiate what boundaries/agreements work for you, and those things may change/evolve over time.

Re: social considerations ... depend on whether you decide to "out" yourself as being polyamorous (and in a polyamorous situation). Some polyamorists (myself included) are mostly or entirely "in the closet" about it, you have to determine the risks of coming out, such as disowning by family members, loss of employment in the workplace, distancing by friends, and the like.

Re: practical considerations ... usually call for a shared calendar, so everyone can see what's on the road ahead, and coordinate dates/trips and whatnot. It seems ideal to shoot for equal time with equal partners (such as co-primaries), although in practice some partners need more time than others. A shared calendar is where you make all that work.

Here are some resources for dealing with jealousy:
Hopefully that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Tatertot said:
I just got into my first real relationship with my partner at the start of this month. She is poly and I grew up only knowing about monogamous relationships. She is afraid that because I grew up monogamous I wouldn't be able to handle her being poly.
Click to expand...
I see she was in a mono relationship/marriage with a man, which is quite a commitment. But now she is dating women? Or is she dating men and women?

Do you know how many partners she already has? Are they local, and being seen regularly, or long-distance, with only infrequent meetings, or maybe no actual irl dating at all?

Ask her how she divides her time during the week. Every poly person needs time to spend with each partner (irl or online), as well as time for friends, family, work, rest, and "me time" to regroup from the socializing and pursue their own hobbies. Some poly people also have children to raise and may have very limited time for dating, especially if their kids are young, babies, toddlers, elementary school.

My point is, you may not get as much quantity time with a poly partner (even if you live together), so you have to be prepared to keep yourself occupied with friends and your own pursuits. Then you need to make each date with your poly partner(s) be of good quality. You can't just coast, as you can in a mono relationship. You can't assume all their free time will be yours by default.
Tatertot said:
I've been trying to learn as much as I can about polyamory so I can understand her better. I really care about her and I don't want my ignorance to get in the way of our new relationship. I've been watching videos, reading different blogs and books. I'm not experienced in a lot of different things, and she feels like she wont be a good first partner because I am still trying to learn things about myself and what being in a relationship is like. I just want people to talk to about it. People who I've tried talking to is against poly, and is afraid I'm going to get hurt because she is poly. I have so many questions. Any advice or having someone to talk to about it would be really nice.
Click to expand...
A relationship with a poly person is harder than one with a mono partner, unless, like one of my metamours, you are introverted and prefer lots of alone time. Then it's ideal to be a mono person dating a poly person.

Just keep your expectations realistic.
 
She isn't dating anyone else but me, and she's Pansexual. She has had bad experiences with men, so they repulse her. I know not all of her time will be for me, and that she has other things to do.
 
Tatertot said:
Hello,
I just got into my first real relationship with my partner at the start of this month. She is poly and I grew up only knowing about monogamous relationships. She is afraid that because I grew up monogamous I wouldn't be able to handle her being poly. I've been trying to learn as much as I can about polyamory so I can understand her better. I really care about her and I don't want my ignorance to get in the way of our new relationship. I've been watching ]videos, reading different blogs and books. I'm not experienced in a lot of different things, and she feels like she wont be a good first partner because I am still trying to learn things about myself and what being in a relationship is like. I just want people to talk to about it. People who I've tried talking to is against poly, and is afraid I'm going to get hurt because she is poly. I have so many questions. Any advice or having someone to talk to about it would be really nice.

sincerely,
Tatertot
Click to expand...

It’s okay to be new to polyamory — learning shows you care. Have you studied different relationship dynamics, like BDSM, to understand boundaries and communication? Be honest with your partner about what you don’t know and your limits. Connecting with poly-friendly communities or even lifestyle guides can provide support and insight. You’re navigating something new with care, and that curiosity and effort is a strong foundation.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
kdt26417 said:
Hello Tatertot,

Most of us grew up monogamous, that shouldn't be a reason for your partner to push you away. Especially when you are trying to learn all you can about poly. What more could she ask? It's good that you are here to converse with poly people, we can help you with feedback, advice, and answers to your questions.

Check out our Golden Nuggets section, such as our Glossary/Definitions thread. Be aware that the answers to your questions will probably prompt new questions for you, this is perfectly okay and part of the learning process. Keep reading and posting, share more of your thoughts, story, and questions as such things arise. We are here to help.

Re: communication ... should be done often and well. Practice makes perfect as the saying goes, and good communication is a lifelong endeavor. Communicate transparently and kindly. Avoid assumptions like the plague. Give/get confirmation. Try not to assign/shoulder blame, no one is the bad guy here, you are just two (or more) people trying to work things out. Explore the topic of NVC.

Re: boundaries ... are the limits that you recognize for yourself, and you decide how you will respond if someone trespasses over those limits. Also there are mutual agreements that you have in addition to your personal boundaries. Every person is unique, and every relationship is unique. You have to decide/negotiate what boundaries/agreements work for you, and those things may change/evolve over time.

Re: social considerations ... depend on whether you decide to "out" yourself as being polyamorous (and in a polyamorous situation). Some polyamorists (myself included) are mostly or entirely "in the closet" about it, you have to determine the risks of coming out, such as disowning by family members, loss of employment in the workplace, distancing by friends, and the like.

Re: practical considerations ... usually call for a shared calendar, so everyone can see what's on the road ahead, and coordinate dates/trips and whatnot. It seems ideal to shoot for equal time with equal partners (such as co-primaries), although in practice some partners need more time than others. A shared calendar is where you make all that work.

Here are some resources for dealing with jealousy:
Hopefully that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...
Kevin’s advice really helpful. The focus on communication, boundaries, and practical tools like shared calendars made polyamory feel more approachable. He plans to explore the jealousy resources and the Golden Nuggets section to gain more confidence.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top