New to the lifestyle

[Masdux2357]

Thanks for the add to the forum. My post is kind of multifaceted. My wife and I(after long and serious discussion) have decide to open our relationship after 15 years of marriage. She was the one that pitched the idea citing adding something different to our relationship. So I guess my questions to those who have been doing this a while are.....did it truly make your relationship better? What do you recommend to a couple exploring this for the first time? And did you have/how did you deal with any jealousy early on?

 

[Cristian]

Thanks for the add to the forum. My post is kind of multifaceted. My wife and I(after long and serious discussion) have decide to open our relationship after 15 years of marriage. She was the one that pitched the idea citing adding something different to our relationship. So I guess my questions to those who have been doing this a while are.....did it truly make your relationship better? What do you recommend to a couple exploring this for the first time? And did you have/how did you deal with any jealousy early on?

There should be no jealousy just transparency and if you really love each other it's having fun it's not the end of the world it's a simple decision to enjoy a fun situation where both of you can experience pleasure and development Transcendence so go ahead and plan for the road pick someone safe and work with them you would be surprised how well this could work if you do it right

 

[FallenAngelina]

There should be no jealousy just transparency

Perhaps English is not your first language, but "there should be no jealousy" is a judgement about feelings, not really a helpful guide regarding polyamory. People in poly relationships are not superhuman, they are human. People in poly relationships are not above any feeling, and certainly not above jealousy. Jealousy is a feeling and as with all feelings, usually has a very useful purpose and signals very real circumstances and conditions that need to be addressed. Aspiring to eradicate jealousy is like yanking out the gas gauge on your dashboard. Sure, the indicator is gone but the underlying reality remains. "Jealousy is important to recognize and talk about" may perhaps be more helpful advice than "there should be no jealousy."

 

[LoveBunny]

I don't think the goal or the result of polyamory is to "make the relationship better" or "add to the relationship." It's about you as individuals, not as a couple. In fact, you and your partner will likely spend less time, attention, and energy with each other because you're busy cultivating relationships with others. You will likely have to deal with things like jealousy, juggling schedules and/or sleeping arrangements to accommodate other partners, and "New Relationship Energy" where you or your partner just wants to be with their new lover all the time.

On the other hand, some people are just happier with multiple partners and bring that joy to their already existing relationships. Some couples find they spend more time having honest talks, some go from having a quantity of time to more quality time together. If you're lucky enough to experience "compersion," maybe you'll enjoy seeing your partner all glowing from time spent with another partner.

 

[Evie]

My relationship with Adam, my husband and nesting partner, is not better or worse for being open per se. It's better because we actively work on having a romantic relationship alongside all the practicalities of living together. My relationship with myself is better for being open because I am not trying to forcefully jam myself into the ill-fitting monogamy box. I did try for a bit, but it negatively impacted my own wellbeing, which then meant I couldn't bring energy into my marital relationship.

Admittedly, I never experienced jealousy. I was never afraid of "losing" him largely because I never saw him as a possession. It's not because I love him less than someone who feels jealousy, I just have no fear of him leaving me "for someone else," or at all. (I'm terrified of him dying young, that would be the thing that would break my heart.)

Unpacking the implicit meanings in the words you currently associate with your existing relationship, making them explicit, can help with understanding what you value, and where you feel any overlap with another relationship would feel threatening, and where your current comfort zones are. (These can also change with time).

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Masdux2357,
It sounds like you are new to open/poly, here are some links that may help:

• Poly FAQ
• Poly Vignettes: Sharing Success & Happiness
• Polyamory Websites
• Master Thread - links to other threads worth reading
• "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," a book by Tristan Taormino.
• What If I Get Jealous?

Hopefully that helps, let us know if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Marcus]

And did you have/how did you deal with any jealousy early on?

As far as I can tell, jealousy is just the manifestation of insecurity in the form of anxiety. Something about the current situation is leading us to feel unsure about the future, we are determined to BE sure about the future, and that mismatch makes us basket cases.

So for me there are a few things I want to focus on when I'm feeling jealous, other than my fear of the future.

• Own It: take full responsibility for your feelings, and avoid blaming other people for it.
• Demystify: have a frank discussion with someone about how you are feeling, without expecting that they can solve it for you.
• Gratitude: focus on what we DO have, and allow ourselves to be grateful.

The other part is to embrace the reality that people aren't happiness fulfilment machines, and life can be disappointing and challenging. When we encounter these struggles and we persevere through them, we gain the muscle memory to better handle this kind of challenge in the future. So these experiences and how we handle them are fundamental to who we are and what we are capable of accomplishing.