New, want it to work, but struggling at times

RobertCourage said:
Because sex is primal, physical, does not mean that my marrriage may end and is short lived. Because an orgasm releases stress and feels good.
Click to expand...

True.



A relationship is not short lived. It does put my marriage and family at risk. And it takes away time from the limited amount of time we have together. And it makes me feel like I am a failure as a husband.
Click to expand...

Not (necessarily) true.



Maybe that sounds like bullshit. But that's what I feel.
Click to expand...

Valid.
 
Wow, these are a good place to start to look at this stuff. But I did not ask those questions for you to answer here, nor to even answer right away, but to ponder them for yourself as you work on healing the relationships you have with your wife and with yourself. Things like this are deeply personal, and deserve careful investigation and reflection, more than one can do in just answering an anonymous person on a message board. It brings up issues surrounding self-esteem, sexuality, intimacy, letting one's guard down, possessiveness, love, expectations, sharing who you are at the core with someone and letting them share who they are. "Who am I? Who is my wife? Who are we together?" and so on.

And this is the nugget:
RobertCourage said:
A relationship . . . makes me feel like I am a failure as a husband.
Click to expand...
Why not take this as a start and continue in your therapy together, is my suggestion.
 
Last edited:
A loving relationship is expansive. It shows depth of caring and respect for others. It shows that there is more love in the world rather them selfishly getting off.
 
Last edited:
So I am supposed to be happy he loves her because it increases the love in this world? I love her so much that I can let her love someone else? That's how it works? How about people making a commitment and sacrifice so that what you have has value and meaning. Nothing ventured, nothing lost. Every story has at least two sides. Please try and see the other side.
 
RobertCourage said:
So I am supposed to be happy he loves her because it increases the love in this world? I love her so much that I can let her love someone else? That's how it works? How about people making a commitment and sacrifice so that what you have has value and meaning. Nothing ventured, nothing lost. Every story has at least two sides. Please try and see the other side.
Click to expand...
To the first question: yup. To the second: also yup.

How it works is that you give up on thinking of this the way you do. This is not monogamy. The rule book you were taught has been tossed out the window. The values and virtues are somewhat the same, but created in such a way that they put the "self" first and others after. Not in a negative sense, as EVERYTHING is geared towards belonging, mutual respect, integrity, empathy/compassion for others and a whole lot more. There is no room, in my belief and from what I have noticed, in polyamory, for co-dependency: merging and folding into one's partner's life so that each is completely reliant and dependent on the other. There is only room for autonomy.

Do a search for the "Foundations" or "Lessons learned" threads, read them, and see what others think of how to make this work with a strong foundation. It does work and people are happy in it. There is a lot to learn, though.

The sacrifice you speak of comes when that little voice at the bottom of your heart still says that it is committed and still says it loves her. If you have this, then you will walk through all this shit to the other side. There is another side. If it fades, then you will still walk through it and end up without her, but alive still. You will live through this, and you will likely be a better man for it, if you choose to be, instead of bitter and resentful. That is your choice, but you will carry on, regardless.

The meaning and value to all this is that she is unhappy, and because you love her you want to help her to become happy again. That has huge meaning and value. The balance is in making sure that you don't sacrifice everything in order for her to do so... that you don't allow her to make you unhealthy by not being firm in your own boundaries.

Monogamy rarely touches the amount of work that you are embarking on doing, but if you love her and are committed, then you will do it. If she loves and is committed to you, then she will, too. Right now, that is what I would be working on finding out. The house, that is, your relationship, is crumbling to the ground right now, and I really think you need to find out if there is a reason to start building a new foundation. The old one is rotten and not functioning.

I asked if we could hear her side because I realize there are two. I have not heard any indication as to whether or not we will be hearing it. I know there are two sides to every story.

I have been here a long time. You are not the first to go through this. Please realize that I also have been through this, and that is why I am here-- to pass on what I know.

I completely understand that your world is turned upside down and that you are in pain. I have seen that in my own husband's eyes, and HE DID GET THROUGH IT! You can too, if you choose it.
 
RobertCourage said:
So I am supposed to be happy he loves her because it increases the love in this world? I love her so much that I can let her love someone else? That's how it works?
Click to expand...

Whether you're happy he loves her or not isn't necessary for poly life. That you be accepting of a partner's ability to receive love other than yours is.

And yes, it is possible to love someone so much that they can be free to love others. Think about that for a bit. Think about it without labels--without polyamory, or monoamory, or swinging. Can a person love someone so much that they can let that person love someone else? Well, isn't that the hallmark of actual loving? If you love someone only because they love you back, or only because their genitals maintain a operationally safe distance from everyone else's genital, doesn't that mean your love is based on stipulations? Isn't the purest of love free from such things?

If wifey is a possession over which you have ownership, then her unauthorized distribution of loving property rights would be a contract violation. If wifey is an independent (some may say autonomous) person, then her entering into a partnership with another party doesn't have to mean that your partnership lacks value. She just needs to update her CRM protocols and realign her vision with something more compatible with the expanded venture.
 
Again, I tried to post and lost it. Ahhh! Here's today's update.

I am traveling now and the separation brings strange emotions. We are communicating positively. She is telling me that she feels that we are starting to grow closer together. That's a good thing. And she is still saying she wants me in her life forever.

I know that she will be using my time away to meet with Trent. I hope that as she does it helps her happiness grow. I prefer to come home to a happy wife who is ready to give me the love and support I need as I struggle through my emotions.

I am taking it day by day right now. My emotions are going a mile a minute, up and down. But my planning is focused only on today, maybe tomorrow. So for today, I think the best option is to try and make this work. I am not sure what solution will make me truly happy. That's something I need to figure out. But for the moment, the solution that allows me to come home to a happy wife and happy kids is the one I will choose.

I do still feel strong feelings of envy and jealousy. But I think I would have to be a robot to not have those feelings after all this time. I am working though all of these feelings and doing all I can to not get too angry or too depressed. Love is supposed to be uplifting and happy. I desperately want to get there, and I hope that with time, I will.
 
RobertCourage said:
Again, I tried to post and lost it. Ahhh! Here's today's update.
Click to expand...

If you go back in your browser, it will generally be there. Also, if you're on a private computer/device, you can opt to have the site keep you permanently logged in by checking the "Remember Me" box at login.

I believe the idle timeout is around 30 minutes, and when you're composing a message, that's "idle" time.
 
In the past, has your wife generally gotten what she wants, things around the house, vacations, etc.? Does she not know what's at stake? Could she be playing a very dangerous game of chicken? Some people don't learn without loss. I hate to say it, but my wife is like that.

I had similar conversations about what a partnership means, what love means. I said many times that under her new definition/explanation it looked more like a roommate-type relationship, not a partnership... respect, like//love one other, but free to do, come and go as needed.

I was asked by my wife's therapist to come to a few sessions. I could tell from her facial expressions that what I was saying was very different from what was being told to her. So I recommend going and laying out the down side to what's been going on, meaning, she goes off, has her thing, in the process destroys her entire family, which later one can't come back from.

Footnote: My wife now wants her old boring pathetic unsatisfied life back. She wants everyone to jump in a time machine or something.
 
Yes, she gets most of what she wants (except more of my time to help). But materialistically she has no complaints. Two vacations a year, one with kids, one just us. When I am home, I am extremely helpful.

I don't know what to say about the "chicken game." The reality is, that if we split, she will get the house, money, car, etc. So I stand to lose a lot. I hope I can get into a therapy session with her. Not sure if she's wanting that.
 
So sorry that you are going through this. I hope that you guys can work through this stuff. * hugs *
 
Last edited:
Techie note learned long ago on Vbulletin boards: always check the "remember me" button when you sign in, or you will lose posts. Just log out when you're done reading and writing.
 
It really seems as though the best thing is for me to travel. While I am away this week, my wife is happy. I think she basically wants Trent during the week and me on weekends. I hope that when I go home this weekend she doesn't want to run off to see him. I am only there three days, so I would hope she can focus on us while I am there. We will see. It's strange not being wanted at home. I offered to change my plans and come home a day early, and she said, "Don't worry about it." In all my years of travel for work, I was always told to get home as quickly as possible. This is weird for me.
 
RobertCourage said:
It really seems as though the best thing is for me to travel. While I am away this week my wife is happy.
Click to expand...

I've known a lot of sailors who had the same situation in my 20+ years of military service. I'm holding back on what I think to some degree, my friend. I know you love your wife. Your heart is infinitely bigger than mine. Take care. Good luck with this journey.
 
RobertCourage said:
I think she basically wants Trent during the week and me on weekends. I hope that when I go home this weekend she doesn't want to run off to see him. i am only there three days, so I would hope she can focus on us while I am there.
Click to expand...
Poly relationships don't work if only one person sets the rules of the game. If you want her focus and attention during your time at home, tell her in no uncertain terms that that is what you want and the only way you will work within this structure. You have a say, too!
 
RobertCourage said:
Yes, she gets most of what she wants (except more of my time to help). But materialistically she has no complaints-- two vacations a year (one with kids, one just us). When I am home, I am extremely helpful.

I don't know what to say about the "chicken game." The reality is that if we split, she will get the house, money, car, etc. So I stand to lose a lot.
Click to expand...

I'm in the process of a divorce after, now, 33 years of marriage. We separated after 30 years. I was a stay-at-home mom for 22 years, as we homeschooled our kids. I did most of that while he worked outside the home. I have our 11-year old van, he has his commuter car. We couldn't afford to keep the house. I get support payments of 1/3 of his income until he turns 65.

I hope I can get into a therapy session with her. Not sure if she's wanting that.
Click to expand...

You're feeling powerless.
 
Sorry to hear about your divorce. It makes me sad when I hear from people that it just didn't work out. I am still quite concerned this won't work for me either, but I am just living day to day for now. If it comes to divorce, I will have to figure out that next chapter if my life. I am not focused on the financial aspects. I know that my kids are the top priority and I will ensure that they are cared for. Since I am always on the road, I don't need a big place, so if I move out it's going to be a small apartment for me.

But I can't think about that now. I want to try and ride out this storm. Maybe this can be the catalyst that helps both of us define what really makes us happy. And maybe it will be the deciding factor in ending our marriage. Only time will tell, so I am trying to give it that time before making any rash decisions. In the meantime, she is being nice to me, and being nice to the kids, and seems to be open to listening to my needs.

It's very hard and I thank you all for sharing and supporting me.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top