Next chapter

I Just read back in front of Christmas to your last post on the 14th and if that's any indicator I think you're doing remarkably well. Congratulations :D
Personally I think it's all the sex and spankings. Ones mood really makes a difference in treatment.
 
Mags I'm so glad to see you coping so well with everything that is going on. :) I bet you look sexy as hell hair or no hair!

And Steve seems really genuine. When I caught up with the blogs a few months back I was shocked by punks behaviour, and really sad for ya. But I'm glad things seem to be turning around on the romantic front. :) I'm rooting for you and Steve x
 
Thanks for the vote of confidence, dinged.

I'm not doing great. I may be kicking cancer's ass but chemo SUCKS.

Monday is my next treatment. This past week, according to how it's gone so far, should've had me feeling pretty OK. Tiring easily, but not sick feeling.

Well, so much for expectations. 6 days ago (last Sunday night) I came down with HIVES, of all things! Itchy red welts all over my upper body from chest to hips and under my arms. What the heck? I also got really sick to my stomach, omg, the pain. That passed after a couple hours and with medication, but the hives remained.

I couldn't figure it out. Was I having an allergic reaction to something? I needed to take 50 mgs of Benadryl every 4-6 hours for 2 days. Then the hives subsided just a bit and I was able to cut the dose in half and take it less often. It made me feel so groggy. On the days I was taking a full dose I was barely able to move or talk.

I called my oncology surgeon on Tuesday, I think, and talked to the nurse, who recommended I see my GP. But I didn't bother... what would she say? Yup, you have hives. I wonder what caused it?

The nurse said it probably wasn't a reaction to my chemo since it had been 2 weeks since my last treatment.

I've never been allergic to anything. I am sensitive to all peppers, but not allergic.

Finally after a few days of this, I came upon a possible culprit. I had gotten a new reclining chair at my local thrift store. I'd been wanting a comfy recliner what with my chronic bad back and the myalgia from the chemo. It looked very gently used and smelled clean.

Well, in fact, it smelled like dry cleaning fluid. I sat in that chair for hours every night for a week, watching TV. I think it overwhelmed my immune system. As soon as I had that hypothesis I stopped using it. And yesterday my hives finally cleared. I'm going to have to get that chair shampooed and/or aired out! It's sitting there in its puffy comfy glory taunting me with its unapproachability.

But last night my stomach went wild again, nausea and pain. And I felt so coooold, and then after a few hours I felt too hot. Like last Sunday, I treated my stomach with my anti nausea meds, prilosec and Tums, but again it took hours to feel better. And now this morning I have a few little hives again, not terrible. Stomach feels pretty OK, but I am exhausted.

So, Monday I go for a checkup before the chemo. I hope this episode doesn't delay my treatment schedule!! I want to get this shit over with!

Yesterday afternoon I was feeling weak but I had 3 errands to run that I couldn't put off. I needed to go get a blood test in preparation for chemo. I needed gas in my car. I needed to wrap and take a present to the PO for my bff who had had a milestone birthday, her 60th, on Jan 12. I bought her something so perfect like 2-3 months ago and now she is going to get it 12 days late. Oh well, she knows what shape I am in.

I am glad I ran those errands but sad that just doing that made me feel so weak and tired. And then I got so sick to my stomach.
 
Continued...

So I have been texting with Steve a little this week. He is not the greatest texter. He tends to keep things short and sweet. But he does say nice things when he does text me.

He has the flu. :( I was hoping to go see him today or tomorrow, but he's not well enough, and after the hives and stomach issues, I am really not up to it either. sigh...

Pixi's bf had the flu also for a week, so she didn't get to go see him last weekend. She is going today, and I am happy for them. I'm such a drag of a partner these days. I am SO glad we are poly so she has another option sometimes.

I've been thinking about "love." Steve says he loves me. He's said it in text. In real life, once, he said he adores me. And he says he likes that I am nurturing and accepting and generally a lovely person. He loves my body, he loves that I support his music. He thinks I am "hella cute."

I don't feel I can say I love him yet, but I like him quite a bit. I figured out I don't feel full on love because we've not really seen each other often enough. Of course, we had 3 months of separation. And we've only seen each other twice since he's been back.

I do believe I need more frequent in person contact to really feel I love a new partner. I am sure looking forward to the time when I am well again and he has a car again and we will hopefully get this thing really going on a regular basis.

As it is though, it is a very bright and happy spot in my life. Dating is so hard. I am glad this has rekindled so I don't feel desperate for a screw from a guy lol

A nice seeming poly man contacted me on OKC this week. Late 40s. Partnered with a woman, no kids. They have been together 25 years and have always been poly. He seems like my type, musical, alternative, intelligent, etc. We chatted back and forth a couple times and he asked me if I'd like to meet. I told him I was having health problems and would he mind waiting til mid March? He said, sure, he's in no rush. So maybe I will have another bf in time. We will see.
 
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Hugs mag :) I really am glad you and steve are getting on well and its so sweet he said that he loves you. I also understand your reserve. You've had the run-around last year with different things, love life and healthwise. But to your credit you aren't just keeping your head above water, you're a shining example of true open loving connections towards other human beings.

So i'm taking a small moment to thank you for what you contribute here and share here, and input on everyone elses stuff.
 
Thanks starlight! I'm glad you think I'm a shining example. Believe me, I do have my dark moments, but I am determined to enjoy life as long as I am on this planet.

I've got more to say on the subject of self respect, respect for others, and carpe diem, but I need to get ready to go to the hospital.

I will say quickly that my hives have remained minimal. I am starting to wonder if the trigger isn't this whole Trump election/inauguration ordeal though. Surely the chair can't still be to blame since I haven't sat in it for a week.

I will also say, my energy came back Saturday night while Pixi was at her bf's. I couldn't even get to sleep til 2AM. Then last night and very early this morning we had 2 hot sex sessions. I am glad we fit that in before I feel sick again!
 
It's been a while since I posted. Mostly because there isn't much going on except feeling sick. And it's cold out.

My last visit with Steve... I managed to go just one week after my last chemo. He had gotten a hotel room for one night because he dislikes the apartment he got with his friend/roommate. (But her father is getting a new place and vacating his big airy apartment at the end of February, and Steve and Roommate are going to get it, so that's good.)

So, I found out he was seeing his longtime friend-girl in the evening in the hotel. He invited me to come before her, from 2pm on. But I wasn't feeling up to it. So the next morning, he said he was keeping the hotel room for another night. And so I said I'd try to make it.

I felt just barely up to it, but I did get there. 45 minute drive one way. Well, it wasn't a very good date. Steve seemed jumpy, distracted, unfocused.

A half hour or so after I got there, I told him I could stay as long as he wanted. I had no other plans for the day. But he said he had a couple models coming to shoot a video at 630. I got there at 230, so I knew we had a time limit then. That is when he got even jumpier. I think he felt bad he'd booked himself so tightly. I also suspect he was worn out from seeing his friend-girl the previous night. He claims she doesn't like sex, only spanking, but he probably got off. Plus, he's introverted and might've been worn out just socially.

He also spent a lot of time playing with his new "dabber." He wanted to give me the experience of this new way of smoking cannabis, but he just kept fiddling with it, and talking talking talking.

He was a little snide with me a few times. He said "I'm just poking at you." Saying he did that with people he really liked. I don't mind joshing around, but I was a bit taken aback.

Like I said, I dont feel I know you well yet. And he replied, "I know you. Mags needs lots of orgasms. You're the most sexual person I know." As if that is all there is to know about me. So I objected and then he listed a couple things we have in common. But then later he was again "poking at me." Teasing me in a not particularly nice or funny way.

So anyway, after we talked (and he is the main talker...) we finally got around to having some "sex." He gave me oral. It felt good. But then he stopped doing stuff. And started talking again. And then finally he agreed to play his guitar for me. Like it was a big deal. I'd told him how I love his music, and he had worked up a set list for me, but then when I asked, he was all reluctant. So finally he said, What did I want, a fast or slow number? He'd play me one. I said, both. He said, Oh no, you just get one.

What the fuck ever.

Then he said, Well, once I get my guitar in my hands you never know. And finally picked it up and played me 4 songs, couple originals, couple covers. So that was nice. Then he said, did I want to go get a sandwich?

I thought it would be nice to go out for a change! We hadn't gone out to share food since this whole thing rekindled, although we had back in 2009.

Then he said he wanted to fool around. He did his fetish on me for a few minutes and didnt let me touch his body or cock. He got himself off and then he was done. It was brief and frustrating.

Then he started talking again. Meanwhile I am looking at the time, knowing his models would be there at 6:30. Finally around 5:45 we left the hotel room and got in my car and drove a very short distance to the mall across the street to a Panera. I started to order my food and when I was done, I looked around, and couldn't see Steve!

Finally I noticed him aways away, texting. I gestured to him, like, don't you want to order? He just shook his head and waved me away.

So once I paid, i went over and he said his models were there a half hour early and he didn't have time to eat with me! And so he apologised, hugged me and walked back to the hotel. I ate alone and drove home.

Bleh!

to be continued...
 
So, in the 2 weeks since then, I've been feeling sick and so tired. Every once in a while I'll have a more energetic day. We had 2 big snowstorms and I was able to sweep off our cars, and do some laundry, cook a little. That's about all I've done besides hang out with Pixi and read and watch TV and chat with friends online.

I texted with Steve a few times. He told me he's feeling really "shitty" these days because he hates his apartment so much. I understand he's been through a lot. His chemo last summer. Having to move to Ohio and back. But I said I didn't like the way our date went. At first he seemed to want to make it up to me. He told me he was going to get a hotel room again, what would have been last Saturday. He even suggested he and his Roommate would drive out to see me and we could go out for a meal.

But when I said I kind of wished we could see each other more often, and that I felt bad getting rushed away on our last date, he lost it. Got all snippy with me and said he couldn't give me what I wanted right now. And that I wasn't being "understanding" enough. And because of that, he was going to step back and "maybe" get in touch with me after his move. And that was that.

!!!

I am so confused. I guess because he's told me how he loves and adores me. I don't know what he means when he says that. Obviously he is a troubled man and, especially since I am not feeling well, I just don't have enough energy to deal with him being so difficult all of a sudden. I am trying to bond with him after our separation but he doesn't seem to have the energy to put into getting to know each other and see each other on a regular basis. I am putting in as much energy as I can spare.

So now we haven't talked in about a week. Goodness knows if we are done, or if he will cheer up and want to try again once he feels more settled.

Of course I am very disappointed because I do like some things about him and the sex was great most of the time. Grrr!

I do love sex so much, for the pleasure and also for the relaxed way I feel afterwards. It destresses me and helps me feel more cheerful during the chemo sickness.

A few men on okc are chatting me up but I am sure I am not my usual charming flirty self because I don't feel well, so I doubt anything is going to happen with them.
 
So, I just realized one of the men that is chatting me now, we had chatted and even texted back in August, just before my hysterectomy. He got back in touch a week or so ago asking how my recovery went. I didn't remember him at all!

He's been reminding me that we had talked, and I found his number in my contacts. LOL. I totally forgot.

So we talked for a few days, but then just this morning I realize he lives 70 miles west of me! Much too far. I really want a bf who lives 20 miles or less away so we can see each other once, twice or 3 times a week (like I used to have with Ginger and Punk)... sigh!

And another guy that seemed to have potential: he really wants a Domme, it seems. I definitely do not want that kind of relationship right now, yuck. Last thing I need is a wimpy man who wants me to take charge in bed. BTDT, over it.

Oh well.

Today is my last chemo. It isn't snowing, thank goodness. Tomorrow is supposed to snow. (Edit, just checked and all the snow is going to be north of us in Maine, Vt, NH. Whew!) It is foggy right now for my drive to the hospital in Worcester. I hope that lifts a little and I hope the hills in Worcester aren't icy.

Glad to be going for my last treatment, though I am not looking forward to my final sickness. Wish me luck!
 
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Good luck with your last chemo treatment! Fingers crossed that you don't get sick and that the cancer is gone :)
 
Good luck and I hope you really recover quick like and feel lots better and the cancer is gone for good. You're super awesome, Mags!! Congrats on making it to the end of the chemo! <3
 
Good luck mags! I hope its a safe trip there and back, the sickness is fleeting and you make full recovery. <3 In my prayers and thoughts. ((hug))
 
"Last thing I need is a wimpy man who wants me to take charge in bed. BTDT, over it."

I know what you mean.

I hope things go well for you. You have been such a trooper through all of this.
 
Thank you all for the well wishes.

I had my last chemo treatment 9 days ago and it's been rough. All the usual symptoms. Tiredness being the worst. I'm just taking things day by day. I can hardly remember what it's like to feel energetic.

In relationship news, Pixi has been great, taking care of me as usual. We did manage sex a few nights ago, that was very nice. She's got cabin fever now that we've had a few milder days. I've been encouraging her to get outside and get some exercise because she's had some insomnia lately.

She went and saw her Master last weekend and had fun. They were going to try again for this weekend but she found out her camp counselors are having a reunion at a bowling alley this Saturday. So she was torn. However, she told her Master and he said she could come to him as late as she wants on Saturday night, and then spend more time together Sunday during the day. So I think that will all work out.

In my own news, I finally heard from Steve 2 days ago and again yesterday morning. He apologized for how he's been recently. He's been feeling messed up but starting to feel a little better. His roommate's father apartment deal ended up falling through after all, but they found a different apartment, large enough, nice enough, etc., and move in March 1.

So I was being a little distant in my responses, playing it cool. Partly because I am too tired to get all enthused. Partly lingering resentments. Turns out his new apartment will be on the coast just north of Boston. Well, it's 40 miles away! Ridiculous! With him carless, that means I'd need to do all the driving. I've never driven that far for a man. I used to drive 20 miles one way to see Pixi before we got a place together, but then we'd spend a long weekend together. Not just a 3 hour date. So that just seems all kinds of impractical. I really don't like LDRs.

When I mentioned that, he did apologize for the distance. Then he said he meant to keep getting that hotel room to do his video shoots now and again, and I could come see him there, since it's a little closer. But I dunno, I don't like being sandwiched in like that. And I'd rather be with him in his own place, with his stuff around us, and his cats and stuff.

So, he told me he was getting the hotel room this weekend, Saturday, and asked me to come. He said he misses me a lot, wants to be close to me, he wants us to "be wonderful" again. But considering how he let me down last time, then didn't even talk to me for 2 weeks, plus I am just so tired, I told him no. I said maybe the following weekend.

But meanwhile, other developments are influencing my decisions, my choices... (to be continued)
 
2 days ago a man contacted me on Fetlife. Unlike all the other people that have contacted me there over the years, he wasn't all focused on just one fetish, and just wanting a body to do it to.

He is interested in a real relationship, what we would call being my secondary, I guess. We chatted quite a bit over the last couple days and he is intelligent, ambitious, gainfully employed as an engineer, owns his own home (and he's only 29), seems upbeat, friendly, respectful.

He told me he'd bought the house with his last long time gf 3 or so years ago. But they broke up rather recently (I don't know yet how long ago) because he realized he was developing certain kinky desires and she was definitely not on the same page. They are amicable together, have moved on from the breakup, are still friendly.

He loves nature and animals. He is working on renovating his house, with the help of some family and friends. He's cute, and actually rather buff. He seems, from the info on his profile, to love older women and plus size women. Many of his kink interests line up with mine. He's very eager to explore them, and push his boundaries. I feel it would be fun to play with him...

So we seemed to click so well, at least online, I gave him my number, we texted a while, he asked me to tell him about myself, and finally we set up a date for this Saturday.

Oh maybe one of the most important things, he lives 5 miles away!

So... I am not counting my chickens before they hatch, but I am hopeful. We will have lunch in my town on Saturday. I think I can prop myself up long enough to do that.
 
Hi Mags!
I've just been catching up on your epic journey. You're amazing and thank you for sharing. I hope this new 5 miles away guy turns out to be all you could hope for.
Kia kaha
Evie
 
Hi Mags :)
Woot some progress. Man what does that guy think that you'll drive 80 miles round trip for 3 hours of his time? :eek: That's kinda crazy.

I'm glad to hear you're getting through the worst of the Chemo, and I REALLY hope all good results at the end of this ordeal.

Ohh like Evie said, I hope the 5-mile-guy is just the ticket. At this point even statistics have to be in your favour! It's a numbers game ; am I right?
 
Thanks, Evie and starlight. Maybe it is a numbers game. heh. I haven't been "in love" with someone other than Pixi in a long time... I loved Punk, but it was more of a fondness. I sometimes wonder if I will ever find "true love" and/or long term compatibility with an OSO again. Pixi has that... I'm happy for her.

Yeah, an 80 mile, or even a 50 mile round trip drive for a 3 or 4 hour date does seem ridiculous. Steve has a goal of getting his license back (matter of fines and court fees and a driving safety class) and buying a car for this year. That would help!

Bit of setback with 5 mile away guy.... He messed up on dates, it being February. He told me yesterday he realized has to help his brother move both days this weekend, and then on March 4th he has to go to Europe for a 10 day business trip. And he can't meet me for dinner after work before then since he works 13 hour days (!) and is always exhausted in the evenings.

But he wants to get together soon after he gets back. I can wait. It gives me more time to heal.

Steve texted me again yesterday, saying he hoped I was feeling better and he missed me, etc. I didn't respond... I don't really know what I feel or want to do right now.

I did feel a little more energetic yesterday. Finally! It had been 9 days of dragging my ass since chemo. I asked Pixi to go out to dinner with me. I hadnt been anywhere in 9 days. Hadn't left the house other than sitting on my deck a bit, since the weather's been nice. So we went to our local pub type place for delicious burgers. It was so nice to be out in the spring-like weather. I felt like a prisoner let out of jail. We continued our date after dinner with cuddles and a movie. I was glad I felt well enough to take her out on a date before her day today where she's going to her reunion and then on to her bf's.

I felt tired and went to bed at 9 and slept til 6! I don't usually sleep that well.

All March I can heal. Hopefully start something good and fun/kinky with new guy. In early April I have plans already. First a dish swap meet with my local Pyrex collector friends. Then a trip to Asheville NC with my sister, our bff we've known since school days, and her sister. Long weekend of girls fun! It's supposed to be a cool town. My bff's daughter lives in that area so she's familiar with the territory and will be our tour guide. There's a burlesque place she's been wanting to go to, that's on our itinerary already.:p
 
So let's see, where was I?

Steve and I have been texting a bit... I keep putting him off because my tiredness increased again after the slight uptick in energy at day 9 post chemo. I got super fatigued for another 10 days or so, but it's finally just starting to lift again.

I only see things as feasible with Steve once he gets his license back, and a car. No matter how much he adores me... if he likes me that much, let's see him make more of an effort at adulting.

Things are coming along nicely with new guy. Let's call him 5 Miles. He talked his company into shortening his business trip to Europe, and will be coming back on Saturday the 11th instead of the 14th. He said he can work from home on the following Monday or Wednesday, and take time out to get together for lunch. I'm kind of excited! He's pretty good at texting, and keeping in touch. He is respectful. He even texted me from his layover in one European country, and then again when he made it to his hotel at his final destination.

He told me that just before he left on his trip he went to a shop and bought some kinky gear and toys for us to use. I sure hope I like him in person. I think I will.

I guess he used to have toys but got rid of them all when he was with his vanilla gf. This time he seems determined it's an important part of what he needs. I think he's new to poly too. I see him friending localish women on Fetlife... dunno if he's at the point of dating anyone else though. We will have to talk over poly principles. I am not sure he will have time for more than one woman since he works 13 hour days! He is also job hunting for a place nearer to his home, with less traveling. I think I'd prefer if I was his only gf for a while so he can focus on seeing one someone new for now, since he's been off the market a while and is probably out of practice. But of course, that's not up to me. We will see what happens.

Meanwhile there's this guy in Cambridge... so let's call him Cambridge. He first messaged me last fall just when I was recovering from surgery and about to start chemo. I told him that, and we agreed to put things on hold. He seems my type too, not a young pup, he's 48. He's a math guy in business and a musician with a new band. He's poly and kinky, has a live-in gf and a sort of ex he is struggling with. It feels good he let us take a break before trying to get together, but still remembered me and got back in touch just when he said he would. He is interesting. He loves to cook. Maybe I will meet him at the end of March before my trip to NC.

Juggling 3 guys seems like a lot, but as per usual, I don't expect things will work out with all of them. Kissing frogs, here I go again.
 
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