Next chapter

Spork, I know you're having the best sex of your life and you totally deserve it! I've had tons of great sex and I will again. Things will get better with Pixi when I am at full strength again.

I contacted Cambridge and told him I am free. I had told him I was trying to get with a very local guy, who ghosted, so I hope now we can meet very soon. He is very experienced at poly so that is encouraging. I am not sure if he is back from Florida yet or not.

Still no word from 5 Mile. All I can think is that he got really drunk at his house party, slept hungover through our lunch date time, and now is too ashamed to talk to me. Well! I don't want to be with someone like that anyway, someone who perhaps has a drinking problem, and also can't apologise for being stupid, so I am letting go of the whole thing.

I rallied last night. Venting here about everything and talking to Pixi helped, and we chilled out with our shows. I am such a classic movie fan, and seeing Susan Sarandon as Bette Davis, and Jessica Lange as Joan Crawford just thrills me to bits. All Academy Award winners! Kieran Shipka from Mad Men plays Bette Davis' daughter too. A supporting actor in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane was a gay man, and this show explores the behind the scenes struggle he had back in those repressive times. Not to mention the vintage fashions and the sets! I am in pig heaven.

Tinwen, my actual divorce wasn't that stressful, but the years leading up to it were incredibly stressful. By the time we decided to split, all I felt was relief. My ex was gracious and kind during the proceedings. We both knew in the back of our minds we were moving on to better things, so we were pretty cool and civilised about it all.

I will say that the hysterectomy and chemo has made me sicker and in more pain, for a longer time, than I have ever endured in my life. It's been exhausting, tiring and boring for months on end. It's been pretty traumatizing. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy (well maybe on the Cheeto in Chief...).

Yesterday for the first time in a month, I stepped foot in the grocery store. I had also gone to my Savers thrift store first. I was pretty thrilled I could do both without getting shaky or overheated or woozy. :) So I not only drove to the dr's in the morning, 1 1/2 hrs round trip, and endured the exam and all the new info, I also went shopping for 45 minutes. And still managed to stay awake til 10!
 
Thanks, powerpuff and Reverie!

In health news, it warmed up to over 35 F yesterday so I felt motivated to walk around the block, and strong enough to do so. I went around once at 11am, and then later, with the dog this time, around 3. I felt even stronger on my second walk. :) One part of the block has a hill to climb and I didn't get exhausted or short of breath climbing it. I've barely been outside all winter, and haven't felt stable or strong enough to walk, so this was great progress. I know I should walk every day. I know it will aid my healing and help with my lymphatic issues. So here's hoping I feel energetic enough to keep it up.

I also joined a message board for cancer patients/survivors on the American Cancer Society site. I didnt have energy to read from others much when I was in treatment, but now I am in the detox stage, I want to read how others experienced recovery. I found out some people have joint pain and fatigue afterwards for years, even decades. And tests don't show why. And some of their doctors don't believe them and imply they are hypochondriacs. And some family isn't supportive and feels the survivor is just lazy. I hope my fatigue lifts sooner. I am a little worried about my trip to NC on April 6. I might still be very tired. I fear I was naive in thinking I'd be feeling mostly "back to normal" less than 2 months post my last chemo.

In dating news, I've been in touch with Cambridge. He flew home from Florida late last night. We are meeting for a sushi date on Saturday. He is driving out to my area.

We are a 99% match on ok cupid. I read his q & a's there yesterday. (I may have read some of it before, but my brain didn't retain it.) So, we sound like we have a ton in common. I'm really looking forward to meeting him. He knows his way around poly. He is very smart, sounds stable, hardworking, and wants a long term relationship. So far, things seem good. We flirted and joked around a little by text when he was waiting at the airport last night. This was our first time texting rather than writing PMs on okc.

Oh a funny thing: on that Punk group I joined on FB, it seems to be common to post pix of food. So, I made a Key lime pie the other day, and the meringue got just a tad overdone. I posted a nice pic of it and said, "I made a pie, but the meringue got a bit burnt because I was in the front room listening to Dead Milkmen." Well, I got so many compliments on my pie, and jokes and teasing. Finally one guy said he loved my post so much he showed it to the lead singer of the Dead Milkmen! I guess they are friends. Pixi really loves the DM, she listened to them a lot as a teen, and saw them live a few times, so she was thrilled to bits. lol
 
So I had a date! Yay! It was especially gratifying since I was stood up so oddly the previous weekend. And never another word did I get from old 5 Mile.

But the sushi dinner with Cambridge went well. Not 100% well as he seemed more reserved than I expected. I didn't get a strong sexual vibe. We had very interesting talks though. He has led a life of travel and kink and adventures, it seems. I don't want to out him by saying too much about where he's traveled or his hobbies or his kink activities and organizational skills and talents in that area, but I was quite impressed.

He seemed nervous at first, which was kind of cute, but relaxed more as the evening went on. We were at the restaurant for about 2 hours, but we got started at 7:45 so we closed the place down. I wished we could have kept on talking, but I didn't feel ready to invite him back to my place, or go to a bar or something open later, so we parted ways. I got a nice hug at my car, but no kiss. He sort of put his head over my shoulder. I had my hands on his back. He has long hair down to the middle of his back, very shiny and nice.

We did talk about sex and kink after the restaurant emptied out. We were in a corner behind a shoji to one side so it was nice and private and intimate. So even thought there wasn't much in the way of flirting, he did seem to want to talk about preferences and safer sex and all that. He hardly ever has sex with his longtime partner, and his other 2 gfs are long distance and one r'ship seems on the verge of breaking up, so I guess he should be motivated to try things with me? I hope? I know he wants a LTR and so maybe he's in no big rush to get sexual right away. I hope he really liked me. I've already had 2 sex dreams about him! lol That is very early for someone to invade my dreams.

He said he wanted to see me again, so I hope he really liked me despite his reserve or shyness or whatever. He is a switch, not a Dom, and not a typical assertive more vanilla guy. I'm switch too, although I have been feeling more subby lately. We will see how this pans out. We can't get together again until later in April, as he is traveling for work soon and then I am going to NC for my mini vacation with My Girls.

Meanwhile Pixi was at her bf's overnight. Their relationship is deepening. He's in the process of househunting and they have become closer as he tells her about what he's seen, and the inspections and whatnot. He likes using her as a sounding board. They are seeming more couple like than just play partners. He put in a bid on one house but was passed by for someone who could pay cash. So now he's got a bid in on a second house in the same neighborhood. 10 minutes away from us!

Yesterday when she got home, we chatted a bit then napped for 2 hours. When I got up I started putting together a vegetarian lasagna for our friend T who was coming over for a quick late afternoon visit. We hadn't seen him in quite some time. He was here at 3:30. So, that was nice. I was glad I was able to cook and feel energetic to engage in conversation, the day after my first date with Cam. Much more energy than like 2 weeks ago!

T left at 6 because he had to be back in Boston for a circus class he is taking! Pixi and I puttered around, she went down to play video games and I read my book (finished it this morning, A Clockwork Orange). Then we watched Walking Dead. I was getting sleepy but I made it through, but didn't stay up to watch Bette and Joan. We can watch that tonight.

This morning Pixi came to bed after I'd had most of my night's sleep. She was all cuddly and sexed up, and since it's unusual for her to initiate, I totally rolled with it. Mmm! Hot loving sexy times. I was too sleepy to cum but I got the nice oxytocin tingly feelings over all my body.

Meanwhile, over the weekend, I've been contacted by a guy on OKC who is a 88% match, single and poly. He seems nice and very interesting... I told him I have a lot of social engagements coming just now, can he wait a bit? He said yes. I feel like I need to check him out too... Once again, we seem to have lot in common!
 
Oh, I have read A Clockwork Orange, too! It was years ago for me though, probably something like 20 years ago actually. I vaguely recall that I liked it better than the film, but the dialect was a little challenging to pick up in the early chapters, eventually though I got used to it and was able to grasp what various words meant via context.

I also remember wondering at the time, if many of the slang terms were things that the author made up, or were actual slang from some part of the UK that I just wasn't familiar with. I think he just made it up, though...

Oh, and Zen has a very cool photo from the film, autographed by Malcolm McDowell "Viddy well" ...even knowing his autograph collecting proclivities, I confess I was rather impressed with that one.
 
Spork said:
Oh, I have read A Clockwork Orange, too! It was years ago for me though, probably something like 20 years ago actually. I vaguely recall that I liked it better than the film, but the dialect was a little challenging to pick up in the early chapters, eventually though I got used to it and was able to grasp what various words meant via context.

I also remember wondering at the time, if many of the slang terms were things that the author made up, or were actual slang from some part of the UK that I just wasn't familiar with. I think he just made it up, though...
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From what I've researched, his nadsat slang is based partly on Cockney rhyming slang and partly Slavic/Russian. I picked it up pretty quickly, but I guess I've seen the movie 3 times, so that helped. Plus I am kinda good with languages. It was fun! Great book. One of Pixi's top favorites. The copy of hers I read is the full version, 21 chapters, not the 20 chapters of the original US version which the movie was based upon.
Oh, and Zen has a very cool photo from the film, autographed by Malcolm McDowell "Viddy well" ...even knowing his autograph collecting proclivities, I confess I was rather impressed with that one.
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I told Pixi this and she squeed!

Since our first date, Cam and I have had 2 or 3 evenings where we texted for a good hour and a half to two hours. So I guess he really likes me! Last night he linked me to his live-in gf's Instagram. We were talking about food. Seems she takes a pic every time she eats. They are great foodies, way more than I am, being that they both have good jobs and no kids, so they are pretty rich.

Cam told me dates he is free when I get back from NC. We are set for April 12, and he had 3 more dates in April he can meet. So we will see what happens.

I didn't go walking for several days because we had a nasty string of cold rainy miserable days. It's sunny today and then we are supposed to get snow? wintry mix? tomorrow into Saturday! And my Pyrex swap is Saturday, 20 miles away. Oh crap. We had planned to have it at someone's house where we could do outside, or inside if it was nasty out, but now I'm wondering if I will even be able to make the drive, especially in my condition. I have no idea how many inches of snow or ice we are supposed to get. Edit: 8-12 inches! Oh fuck.

My Son is here visiting for a few days. He hasn't been here for a while.

I managed to do a little vacuuming yesterday.

I texted Steve just now... I had told him I might be able to go see him before I go away, but I think I need to conserve my strength now, since detoxing is taking time and I need to be as strong as possible for my trip.
 
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2 weeks since I last posted. So much has happened. Biggest thing and a joy, was my trip to Asheville NC to be with my sister and our oldest friend B.

Traveling was a bitch, airlines fucked up because of a massive storm down south, especially messing up the Hub of Atlanta. But I made it with no cancellations and overnights sitting up in an airport chair. Just delays and gate changes and luggage hassles.

The actual stay in NC was GREAT. Not the least pleasure was the hotel bed. It was so different than my newish but hardish mattress. No matter how much exercise I got during the day, the soft yet supportive mattress healed my aches overnight. I gotta get a new mattress. I'd love to have less pain and less drugs to bear the pain! Gotta get Pixi over to Jordan's Furniture and lie on a lot of beds til I find a similar one.

So the long weekend was full of activity. Despite being convalescent, I did pretty great. Being with my oldest dearest besties kept me going. We also hung out a lot with B's daughter and I got to meet B's son who also moved down there, and her daughter's fiance as well. (I'd last seen B's kids when they were barely out of toddlerhood.) Their wedding is in September and there was much planning going on, and on Monday before we left, B and my sister and the daughter and I went to her dress fitting. She is wearing the dress that was B's mother's from 1950, that B also wore for her wedding in the early 80s. We all helped her brainstorm how to update it. She's gonna look great. I was asked to do the flowers for the wedding, so I have that to look forward to.

Asheville is a very cool and groovy town despite being in North Carolina. Hipsterism galore, great shops and eateries and galleries and antique stores and bike shops and wellness centers and nightclubs and all that, blocks and blocks and miles and miles of it. So much to see and do. We ate southern food twice, BBQ and fried chicken and grits and sweet tea, etc., and Thai and Indian as well.

In between meals out we had a free breakfast at the hotel, and wines and cheeses and so on in our rooms, that B and sister got at a Trader Joe's.

The highlight was a trip to the Biltmore Estate on the Saturday, which was the biggest private residence ever built in the US. Designed and paid for by a Vanderbilt, grounds by Olmstead. There are 4 acres of house and we got to tour about half that. Took us like 2 1/2 hours in the house and another hour and a half in the gardens and conservatory. It was just great. Such pretty surroundings since spring is more advanced down there. And the Blue Ridge mountains just in the distance. Dogwoods and tulips and other flowering trees and shrubberies. Wonderful.

I was so thrilled to be out and about finally, after my winter of discontent. Included in the price of our pricey tickets was a wine tasting at the estate winery. Plus snacks, dips and chips and stuff.

I could not have done this weekend trip even a couple weeks earlier. I am still tired from it (so is my sister and she didn't spend the winter having chemo, lol). But it was so worth it.

I got home late on Monday, Pixi picked me up at Logan airport. I rested on Tuesday and then on Wednesday had my 2nd date with Cambridge... (to be continued...)
 
So, I had been wondering what his deal was since he wasn't flirty on our first date. Friendly, engaging, interesting, but platonic and no kiss at the end, just a hug.

I had to find out. I drove to his house in Cambridge. He came out to put a resident parking card on my dash. Then he brought me inside and right away said, he wasn't feeling great, hadn't slept well the night before.

Then he showed me around his place. Such a nice house, must be worth a fortune, right off Mass Ave north of Harvard Square, near Porter Square. Late 1800s house, 3 storeys, lots of windows, big rooms, super high ceilings, chef's kitchen, tastefully decorated in a sort of mashup of contemporary and Asian, mostly black and white with a few pops of color.

After the tour, we sat on his living room couch. He didn't offer me a drink. (I was rather surprised, since he's a foodie, and told me he and his gf had just hosted a Seder at his house the night before. Doesn't a good host offer a drink to a guest? After she's driven an hour to be with him?) I finally had to ask for a drink and he said, oh you want water? And brought us water. What, he didn't have a spare bottle of wine lying around? I had noticed a seemingly well stocked bar on the house tour.

So we talked, good talks as before. He'd been to the Pacific Northwest, Portland OR, and I'd been to Asheville, since our previous date, so we talked about our trips. We also talked of religion/spirituality, since he was raised Jewish and is now atheist but into martial arts, and I am pagan and it's the holidays... All good interesting topics. Finally after a half an hour, he's like, so what do you want to do? I said, you're the host, you tell me what we're doing! (I swear, he must be a lot more sub than Dom.)

So we talked about food options and decided on Japanese again. We walked to the old Sears building a few blocks up Mass Ave, which was converted into a warren of tiny Japanese restaurants and tea shops and gift shops back in the 90s. I'd been there a time or two. Back when my kids were teens I brought them. It's frequented by a lot of students, a lot of Japanese young folks, and some other white people. Like me and Cambridge.

The restaurant he took me to was an inexpensive little place with no sushi, just noodles and tempura and yakitori and the like. My food was okay. The miso soup was a bit too salty, the tempura a bit soggy. Oh well, he paid. It was cash only and I never carry cash.

Anyway, when we'd eaten a while I asked him what his deal was... Told him I wasn't feeling a lot of chemistry coming from him. Sure enough, he explained he is distraught over his recent breakup with one of his 3 gfs. It literally happened between when he got in touch with me in March, and our first date. But he did date me twice! I guess he felt he owed me? But I could see he does not currently have the emotional wherewithal to focus on me. Bummer! Dammit!

So, he told me the gf broke up with him to pursue someone to settle down and have kids with. She's younger than him by a good bit, she's in her early 30s. So first she'd told him she wanted a poly guy to make babies with, and would keep Cambridge in her life. But she didn't want to date him while she was on the hunt. They are long distance anyway, I think she's a hundred miles away in Western MA or something.

But now he feels even more betrayed because she has already started dating someone, and he's mono! So, he's out of the picture completely, after about 7 years together. Completely understandable he's messed up in the head. They had started out living in the same town, but she's been long distance for a while. I said, I couldn't do long distance for long. His other gf besides the one he lives with, is in Europe! He goes to see her once a month (oh to have that kind of money...).

I said, well do you want to keep this as just friends for now? He didn't really answer clearly. Maybe he has enough friends. Maybe even texting and/or meeting just to talk and hang out isn't what he needs right now?

I did let him know I am searching for someone to be a full on partner, sex included. But I guess he's as limp as a cooked noodle right now.

I really thought he wanted another local gf since he doesnt have sex with his live-in gf, and his other 2 are long distance and he rarely sees them... But he wasn't predicting the future. I know he has to grieve and heal. So, who knows if and when he will want to see me again. So hard to read him.

Dinner, and difficult talk done, we walked back to his house. Took our shoes off in his foyer, went inside. Then he said he wasn't feeling well, tired, maybe allergies kicking in. I said, Oh! So I'll just put my shoes back on then (inwardly grumbling and cussing). He said, you can hang out a little, if you want. Some half-hearted invitation that was! I said, oh no, not if you're not feeling well!

~Jeesh I can take a hint!~

So (me feeling humiliated, superfluous and ridiculous) we both put our shoes back on and he walked me out to my car. Pressure now off him, he made a couple cute jokes about the construction going on on his street. I had decided not to make any physical moves on him at all prior to the date. Therefore I got no hello hug at all. He did give me a goodbye hug. I mumbled, Well, let me know how you're feeling... he said, I will!

Yeah, I don't know if he will. Am I even attractive to him, notwithstanding his emotional state? I have no idea! I find him attractive and intelligent and interesting and groovy and of course, it's nice he's so rich and all. But maybe he's a touch Aspie. Of course, Ginger was, and that ended badly, but Pixi's bf is too, and that's going along fine. Ugh. I don't know. Might be moot at this point.

Another one bites the dust I guess. And back to the drawing board for ol' Mags.
 
Oh, man. That is tough...I'd be very conflicted because on the one hand I'd be wanting to be understanding that anybody can simply be off their game temporarily due to stuff. Yet on the other hand, what about being considerate of a person's time? I mean, you have a life, you've got stuff too, and you drove and went out of your way only to have him be so disconnected and lukewarm to you. On that end of things I'd be feeling a bit put off, for sure.

And I'd also be thinking, wanting to try and communicate that to him in as diplomatic a way as I could...

I'm sorry that did not go better, Mags.
 
Thanks, Spork. I don't know what to do or say to him, or if I should bother at all. It's just ironic because he waited all winter for me to get thru the chemo, and got back in touch as soon as my treatments ended... And now he's seemingly out of commission!

And I don't know if he's just grieving, or if he's just not into me, or maybe both. Maybe he doesn't like me that much after all! I told him at dinner I found him attractive and interesting, and he didn't say anything nice back. I said, You're fun to talk to, and all he said was, Talking is always good.

And he's supposed to be Mr Big Experienced Poly Man! With that kind of communication and behavior? I don't get it. I've never had a 2nd date go so poorly. Why did he bother if he doesn't want to shag me?

I'm really torn on whether I should try and express my feelings, or just let it go. I am bummed and feel rejected. I'd had a little thrill of NRE for him for over a month, and now it's all so lackluster and disappointing. I'm kinda depressed that my fun anticipation turned into rejection. Wasn't expecting this.

And I have post vacation letdown syndrome. And Pixi is doing so well with her bf, getting closer and closer, I feel envious and kind of like a loser. Their sex is so fancy and BDSM and things I've done with her lately have been infrequent and vanilla.

I haven't had a nice horny kinky bf or FWB since last July... I barely feel poly anymore. Sex drive, that was starting to rise, has plummeted along with my self esteem. I can't even get it up to masturbate, just to have some kind of pleasure and stress relief. Blah.

OKC guys message me every day; 20 to 30 a day. All low matches, all boring messages of "hi how are you," or "your sexy," or "hello pretty lady," or "I've always wanted to be with an older woman" fetish messages. Why don't high match guys message me? I do searches and they are out there. I could message them, but that rarely works. Men really like to be the initiator.
 
Honestly some men like to be the initiators, but I've heard an AWFUL lot of men on online dating specifically, who are sick of being in that role, and would love to be contacted first. I've been the first contactor before and it wasn't a bad thing, back when I was on there.
 
I've tried it and it hasn't worked out. I first contacted Punk, and look how he turned out to be a mama's boy and dumped me when she died, instead of leaning on me for support!

I want an assertive motivated man, not some blase subby guy who wants to be pursued. I want to feel desired. If he wants to be MY prey, I am frankly not that interested.

That said, there are probably some assertive men who are feminist enough to want to be pursued. I know my sample size is small. What I do is, look at the profiles of 90% or higher men. Men get so few looks that often, once I merely look, I get a message.

All that said, Pixi and I had some hot sex last night, even though my son is here for an Easter visit. Vanilla but satisfying and delightful. So that was pretty great! It helped my mood quite a bit. I never stay depressed for long... always looking for a silver lining.
 
My OKC messages in the last 24 hours: Turkey; India; New Jersey; Arizona; Ireland; India again; India a third time (!); Maine; United Arab Emirates; New Hampshire (I looked, he's 28 and a devout Kosher Jew); ah, a guy from Massachusetts, asking if I am looking for "a nice young cock"!; ah, another Massachusan, in my town even, 24, and all he has to say is "Hi;" Illinois; another Massachusan, 24, says "Hello," and he's only a 25% match; an older Connecticut man asks, "Which sex toys do you like best?"; and another 25 year old from CT tells me I'm gorgeous and he'd like to chat.

Obviously all of them are masturbating and want some help. Not one mentioned my profile, all of them are going on my pictures alone.

And so it goes. This is pretty much my daily fare on OKC. It's amazing I've ever met ANYBODY.
 
Magdlyn said:
I've tried it and it hasn't worked out. I first contacted Punk, and look how he turned out to be a mama's boy and dumped me when she died, instead of leaning on me for support!

I want an assertive motivated man, not some blase subby guy who wants to be pursued. I want to feel desired. If he wants to be MY prey, I am frankly not that interested.
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I feel you on this! The few times I have contacted a guy first, it's been like he expected me to do ALL the work, set up dates, initiate texts, basically chase him. I think straight men get so few messages that when they do get one, they assume the woman is head over heels and will do anything to be with him. Annoying. I stick to viewing and liking guys online. If that's not enough to get their attention, they're either not that interested, or too busy to date me anyway.
 
GirlFromTexlahoma said:
I feel you on this! The few times I have contacted a guy first, it's been like he expected me to do ALL the work, set up dates, initiate texts, basically chase him. I think straight men get so few messages that when they do get one, they assume the woman is head over heels and will do anything to be with him. Annoying. I stick to viewing and liking guys online. If that's not enough to get their attention, they're either not that interested, or too busy to date me anyway.
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Yep!

I had 35 messages waiting for me on Monday morning. People must had had extra time to j/o on Easter Sunday. Not sure Jesus approves of that! Messages from all over the world, one liners, low matches.

This morning I had 2 messages from 2 different 24 year olds in Rabat, Morocco! I wonder if they are friends.

One said: I dont belive u are granny really really ur body perfect u are like milf i like it

The other one: you are so gorgeous i would like to know you if you want!

By the way the filters at OKC don't work. I've got it set for people 25 miles or less away to go to my regular inbox, and the rest to go to my "filtered" inbox. Sometimes I get Massachusetts guys in the filtered box. One of the Morocco guys was in the regular box, and one was filtered! Weird and lame.

I should mention we had a wonderful Easter Sunday here chez Mags. My son is here, and we invited our friend K, who got here around 3. Son and Pixi colored eggs, I made lots of sweet iced tea in my vintage pitchers. Son is a big kid and asked me to hide chocolate eggs for him, so I did, and Pixi and K ended up hunting too. We had ham, potato salad, asparagus, key lime pie and 2 nice Pinot Noirs. We even ate dinner outside on the deck, since it was over 80 during the day and cooled off to the mid 70s by dusk when we ate. So pleasant! After dinner we played a vintage 1970s board game called The Incredible Race. Such a great day! It was tiring for me to make the pitchers of tea, hide eggs, make the potato salad, but others helped with the rest of the cooking and table setting and washing up dishes, and I did have a nice rest in bed just before dinner.
 
Subby men totally put me off. But I don't look at first messages as a case of chaser and chasee. I look at it as two humans in the world who gotta connect somehow (or not) and the guy has probably felt rejected and ignored enough to where it's a wonder he's still even playing the game (if what I've heard from so many is true.)

I would rather spy an interesting man and reach out and say hi to him, than get a copy/paste "numbers game" message from even a compatible looking guy who just expects to be ignored and is feeling down on himself over the whole damn thing.

If he's the right guy, I would be HAPPY to stroke his ego. Among other things. I'm not afraid to chase a little. But if he is SUBBY...? Oh no. That won't work at all. And once we're in the game, he had better be able to initiate where it counts.

I guess how I feel is that it's questionable to make too many generalizations and I prefer to look at it as humans (in all of their bizarre variety) out there...not play by supposed rules and if/then logic strings.

There was one guy I met on OKC back when I was doing that, he did not say he was into kink but I could just tell he was a Dom type. It was in his expression in his pics and how he worded his profile, an almost aggressive primal edge to him. I messaged him first, and asked him immediately about BDSM because I was curious if I was right or not, and not extremely invested in the outcome.

Well yeah, and he was like "how in the hell did you know??" We met up a couple of times, and he kissed me once, and my holy sweet lawdy lawd was that man a delicious kisser. He would have been fun in bed, I absolutely know it. But it did not work out, his life circumstances were not optimal for what I was looking for...he traveled more or less always for work, and was only sporadically here in this town. Also, frankly he was a little too country and not enough rock n' roll for me. But he would have been a fun sexcapade if such had been my desire at the time.

Thing is, I initiated contact, but after that he was happy to take the lead, in a gentlemanly but Dominant way. I can forgive a Dominant man for not always being completely confident, or absolutely always taking the lead...and you never know where a good opportunity will come from or strike.

You being the one to say hello first does not render any man on an online dating site, into the one that you had a bad ending with. There's no rule that says that you send a first message and *poof!* they turn into Punk. Y'know?

I mean, you do what you want and all. That's just what I think. It is possible to be subby and still be an initial initiator, but then I'm also just gregarious like a little chirpy bird, so...
 
Oh damn my fingers slipped,and I just deleted a big post I was almost ready to post. Hate when that happens.

So, condensed version. Punk joined FB and came up as a friend recommendation for me. He's also been liking my Instagram posts again. So I texted him finally. He had mentioned his old beater car had died. When I texted he said he was car shopping, so I asked what he was looking at and we shared opinions.

I told him he could come over and show it off when he decided. Yesterday he did just that. I hadn't seen or talked to him in 8 months. I'm still attracted to him but I see no sign he wants to be anything but friends. I don't know if I can handle it. I got turned on just sitting next to him. We had a pleasant visit, the 4 of us, me and him and Pixi and my son who is still here.

Then he took us for a drive. He hugged me hello and goodbye but he also hugged Pixi so that doesn't mean anything. Maybe I'll invite him for dinner sometime soon? But I don't know if I can handle this platonically. He's so attractive.

In other boy news, I spent more time on OKC yesterday morning looking for localish men with a 90% or higher match. I found this one guy who seems so perfect. 99% match. Not next door, on the coast, but it could be doable.

He had answered a lot of questions on okc and his answers and especially the explanations for many that he gave were so endearing and amusing. I was actually giggling with pleasure at some of them. I wanted to high five him. I wanted to hug him.

He wasn't shy about talking about loving sex and kink. He is a switch, 75% Dom. I am a switch, 75% sub. So that's perfect. He loves to give oral sex as much as receive it. That's a good sign.

He is 36, poly, lives with a woman who is built like me. She was in a pic with him on his profile, and even had a vintage rockabilly hairstyle. He is searching for women up to age 60. I think I'm close enough!

I went against my principles I stated above. lol. I messaged him. He seems like the type that wouldn't mind it. I told him how I enjoyed his profile, and if he wasn't too poly-saturated, would he be interested in meeting and hanging out? So now I wait and see. I am prepared for nothing to happen. My luck is terrible these days. Oh well, at least I had fun reading his words.
 
Neat! I hope something comes of that.

But if it doesn't though? You've projected something positive in his general direction. "I see you. I think you're cool." I've always thought that should be worth something, the world of humans could use more good vibes, no?

I remember really loving the interesting profiles.

In fact it was not too long ago that I wished to rejoin OKC in a way...back when I was on, you could create a profile with no picture. I wanted to make a "shell" profile that I didn't use to actually date or meet people, in fact make it invisible, if I could, just to read people's profiles for entertainment. Some people are lovely writers. But now you can't make a profile without a pic, and they want it to be a picture OF YOU. ...nah. They want participators, not browsers. I get it.
 
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