Nobody's Fool

Also, my sister sent me this video. I'm not sure what her point was, but I laughed and laughed and laughed.

Tim Minchin: If I Didn't Have You

Polyamory: where you can have your adored wife and eat your alopecic artistic slopebunny girlfriend, too.
 
I'm glad you checked in with us. I was wondering how things were. I think you are smart to leave Tails alone. There isn't anything you can do for him that wouldn't damage you. Best to let him do his thing, whatever that is.

So exciting about the art shows! Go you!

I have not lost a partner but I've been through other kinds of grieving. It does feel like that after a while. The world ended but another is still spinning.
 
Featherfool, I am VERY happy to hear from you, and that your life is going as well as can be expected. I always get sad when people just drop off the face of the earth. Best wishes to you and your new romance!
 
FF, thanks for updating us, and checking and commenting on my blog too!

I am feeling compersion for you too! Glad you found a nice FWB to hang with and relax with, just at the level of investment you are comfortable with. :eek:
 
I guess I'm going to have to come up with more names for the new people in my life. I'm terrible with names.

Er. So. New FWBish type person is going to be Stone, because reasons. His girlfriend is Sprite. Her more different boyfriend is James, because while his names is not James he seems like the kind of person who should have been named James, if you know what I mean.

Anyways. Stone asked me today if I would like to go up to his and Sprite's cabin this weekend with him. Sprite is away with work, and he has the weekend free. He was originally planning on going out alone, but then thought maybe I'd like to come since I enjoy outdoorsy things like snowshoeing and ice fishing, and it would be fun to do those things together.

Erm. I dunno about this. On one hand, hellz yeah! A weekend of romping, with fresh fish dinners and fire places and fun in the snow? Sign me up! PLUS the "cabin" is apparently pretty swank: outdoor eight person hot tub, sauna, etc. So that sounds like hella fun. Plus, we get along really well; I'm not worried that spending time with him beyond excellent sex and the snuggles after would be awkward of uncomfortable. He is honestly a neat person.

However. This "us" thing is supposed to be a casual fling. We've gone to dinner and so on because we like each other as people, but this is not supposed to be... weekend-getaway-together-romantic. You know? So now I am not sure. I want to go, because it would be so much fun and I think I really would benefit from a weekend of playing in snow and not stressing about work/art show/family/everything else. Kind of like a mini vacation. But I don't want to go, because it seems a little too... date-y... for what I am okay with this relationship being. Where does friends end and dating start?

I did check in with him, but it didn't really help. I said I was feeling a bit uncomfortable spending a "romantic" weekend with someone who falls somewhere between friend and fuck buddy. That I was concerned this was a bit far for what we have going on. He asked if I would go if we weren't having sex, and conversely, if I would go if we were dating. Stone seemed confused that I would go if we were just friends, and I would go if we were Dating-capital-D, but still feel unsure about going when we are something in between those things. I get his point. The spectrum from Yes to Yes most likely has yeses the entire way along. But... but.

I really really don't want to fall for this guy. I don't want him falling for me either. It sounds presumptuous, but I don't want him hurting himself on me. I'm just not there, yet, not ready for more than what we are. I enjoy what we have and like spending time with him. I want to go to the cabin and enjoy myself; that stupid "but... but... but" keeps intruding, though.

I asked for a day or two to think about it, and he was fine with that. He says that he invited me because he thinks we'd have a lot of fun together, and that's it, that he doesn't have any salacious designs on my heart (other bits, sure, but not my heart), but... hmm. I am still not convinced this is a good idea.

Anyways. I'll let you guys know what I decide. I might post something in the relationship section later, if I am still wrestling with my answer.
 
I know you weren't asking for comments, but you DESERVE this after all you have been through. You haven't been deceiving him at any level. Just my opinion, which you can feel free to ignore.
 
Oh, comments are always welcome! No worries there.

I dunno if I "deserve" this- I am hesitant to think that you have to have bad things happen to earn good things happening- but I don't think I am deceiving him. I've been as clear as I can about where I am at.

I guess... I think I may be worrymongering. Getting all up in myself, as it were. Worrying about things that COULD be, that really aren't my things to worry about. I am excellent at creating disaster scenarios. Good thing happening? SOMETHING IS GOING TO GO TERRIBLY WRONG. However, him maybe getting all attached is not a thing I can control. That's most likely a him thing to worry about.

And here is my bit of bias for you: I think a part of me thought he was a "safe" person to be with. He already has a nesting partner, right? We could just be friends and play around when the feeling struck and it would be fine. But- and this is dumb, I know, coming from a woman who was in a relationship with two men- it hit me just after his generous invite: polyamory literally means loving more than one, doesn't it. As in, not safe. And I think pairing that realization- that him having a nesting partner in no way interferes with our specific relationship- with his invitation made me wary of the invitation, innocent though it likely was.

It's extra dumb because Jaeger was well nested with Tails when I started dating him, and that never really came up. It was always clear to me that Jaeger, and later Tails, was looking for A Relationship. I feel very foolish.

And still, I'm not sure if I am going to go. How's that for fence-sitting, eh.
 
I think you can go, and still control your emotions. It doesn't have to be anything more than what YOU want it to be.

You have a very busy life with your jobs and art and all. You don't have to invest more than you want to, or have time for.

If you go, you could even request personal time to go for a walk alone or something, just to keep you feeling comfortably independent.
 
I agree with Magdlyn.

I think you should go. Enjoy the company. Enjoy the excursion. Enjoy the sex. Let yourself receive the good.

So...question... Are you worried about you falling for him, or him falling for you, really?

Are you afraid because you have loved and lost?

The management of your own feelings is yours to do. The juggling of him at some distance in an attempt to manage his feelings, seems a bit unfair to me. He has a nesting partner, life logistics aren't changing. You have told him where you stand. Now, I've been the partner who fell in love with someone who didn't love me back, several times. You know what I wanted, in those instances? To simply be allowed to feel what I felt, and not pushed away for it.

Love doesn't come with an obligation or a price tag. If he loves you, you're not obligated to love him back or do anything about that. What would have pleased me most in the times I felt "in love" with someone who did not feel that way for me, was if they could have simply said, "Thank you." And let me ride out my feelings. Enjoy the trip. I always thought that those relationships would have come to some sort of an organic ending in time, but when they were cut short because the not-in-love person freaked out...it felt abrupt and painful to me.

Now, I am not everybody. And different people most DEFINITELY define and process love in very different ways.

My thinking though, would be to try to keep an open mind, realize that you are FREE regardless of what he feels, and try to keep open lines of communication with him.

But regardless I think you should go. Enjoy it for what it is. You don't have to pay anyone anything of yourself for this. Sometimes life gives us gifts, and we should just accept and enjoy them.
 
GO TO THE CABIN

If you need to break up with him later, he will recover.

If you fall for him, you will be okay. Whatever happens later, you will recover and you will be okay.

You already survived one of the worst things that can happen to anybody. You kept going and you made art and you are okay.

GO PLAY IN THE SNOW AND SIT IN A HOT TUB
 
I'm with Spork on this one. Let him manage his own feelings. You've been honest with him the whole way, and that's your only obligation. Go have fun.
 
Hahaha, you guys! <3 *hold up hands* I'm going, I'm going!

I'm all packed up, the cat sitter is briefed, and I am right this second waiting for Stone to pick me up.

I made chocolate chip cookies for the road, and have half a bottle of whiskey for hot toddies. It's gorgeous outside (only -2C! Climate change FTW) and the sky is so blue it hurts to look at.

I feel good. I feel excited. I feel like this was a good choice.

See you guys on the flip side!
 
Great, FeatherFool! Good choice! Hope you enjoy your weekend :)
 
Awesome! Enjoy!
 
Okay, so the weekend was just perfect. Like, holy hell. Excuse my while I bubble!

I was so nervous, driving up with him. The first bit of travel was fine, but then... I don't know. It was like something flipped in my head and all I could think was what if this went terribly, how would I get away, what if he had a bad time, what if, what if, what if. The nearer to the cabin we got, the worse I felt. Anxious, anxious, anxious. When we rolled up the the cabin (and I use the word loosely- resort would really be closer!) I felt like I was about to burst I was wound so tight. Stone got out to unlock the cabin, and I got out to start hauling our stuff up. I came around the passenger side, and the suitcase I was holding in front of me got splattered with a snowball.

Stone was standing on the steps wearing this shit-eating grin, with his chin up like he was King Shit, and he obviously had to be taken down a peg. Suitcases were abandoned, and everything forgotten as I chased him around the cabin. Eventually it morphed in to him chasing me around the inside of the cabin, and I like being chased- if you know what I mean- and then it morphed into something entirely different. The suitcases stayed outside in the snow for a while :p And, funnily enough, after that I felt much better. No more tension, no more anxiety. Him and me, we're good. We're the same, there or here. No doom. We're friends, and friendship isn't scary.

I'm not terribly materialistic, but this "cabin" is seriously fancy. I've never seen anything like it; it's jaw-droppingly beautiful. The living room is a huge room of glass- just glass everywhere. The only real walls are part of the ceiling and the tall stone fireplace. I have no idea what it must cost to heat such a thing, but it's worth it, whatever it is. At night we lay on the carpet with the fire dying down and stared up at the stars. It was like some fairy tale. It was, honestly, phenomenally romantic, but... not mushy, if you know what I mean? We talked about the infinity of existence: if there are so many galaxies, with so many stars, and so many worlds orbiting them, across an almost unimaginable span of time, what would be the likelihood be that one planet, somewhere in the vast reaches of space and time, is/was made entirely of cats? What would an economy look like on such a planet? Would the money be cats, too? We spoke of silly things, fun things.

We fished quite a bit, though we didn't catch a damn thing. Though, er, honestly the fishing may have gotten sidetracked by frost-nipped fishing hut sex at one point :D Probably we traumatized the entire lake's fish population, which may explain why they never showed up on our plates.

We went snowmobiling a couple times, which was amazing! I'm not a fan of cars, but boats, planes, ATVs, motorcycles, etc I am allllll for- and apparently snowmobiles are right in there too. There are kilometers of trails around the cabin and even if they hadn't been groomed in a while some were still in pretty good shape. We had a blast!

Saturday morning we took a late evening snowshoe and saw a moose, furry and winter-lean. She knew we were there, but we were quiet and she just walked by barley flicking an ear in our direction. It's the closest I've ever been- or wanted to be- to a moose. They have a dangerous reputation, and can be incredibly aggressive. This lady didn't seen to care much about us and the strange contraptions on our feet.

The whole weekend was... magical. Like some out-of-time place. It was warm during the day (relatively) but bitingly cold at night, and in the morning every branch was encased in ice, and the sun reflecting off it was blinding and beautiful. I brought a sketch book with me and almost filled it with drawing of nothing but trees dressed in diamonds.

I know this post is all poetic, but honestly it felt that way. The whole weekend had that feeling you get when it's cold and blowing outside and you are inside wrapped in a quilt with a cup of tea, and cookies are in the oven, and you have no where to be tomorrow. It's a step beyond "cozy"- where you feel warm inside but it's kind of like heartbreak too, but in a good way. Like watching a baby sleep. I dunno. If you get it, you get it, I think. If you don't I'm not sure I can explain it.

Stone is brilliant. He's by turns hilarious, silly, sincere and affectionate. He is a good friend, and an attentive lover, and I'm so glad I spent a few days with him.

You guys were right <3
 
Wow, that sounds spectacular! I am so happy for you that it went so well (and a wee bit envious)!

Being so close to a moose!:eek:

Fires and huge windows and stars!:p

Fishing hut icy sex!;)

Being chased around glamorous cabin!:cool:

Feeling comfortable with good friend, the best part. <3
 
I am just...that post made me feel all gleeful, and I am thankful you wrote it, because I've been feeling doomy again this morning and now I'm not. After everything, and then, and you weren't sure, but then it was so amazing, and wow wow wow! And nothing is all weird or different with you and Stone!

Yyyyyay!!

I have been in a cabin like that before, but only for like one night because it was an expensive place and I could only afford one night. It was in about May of 2015, and I booked it because we had a concert at Red Rocks, and it was up the road. I wish I could have stayed longer, and I very, very much want to book a weekend there for me and Zen sometime.

So I know of what you speak.

Oh, and heating such a place? It depends! If you put a wall of glass on a south facing part of a house, and there is enough sunlight and it's constructed well, you can get the benefit of some solar heating sometimes. I lived in a house that had a big open "great room" scheme with the windows like that. Surprisingly the sun did a lot of the work heating it in the winter.

Oh, and I had a subscription to Log Home Living magazine for years...I love me some "house porn" and so yeah...those cabins...I get it.

Congrats on having a WONDERFUL time. I am glad you went. :)
 
Hahah, I'm still getting sparklers of happy lol Every so often I flash back to the cabin and end up smiling like an idiot.

I really, really had a good time :D

Unfortunately, due to scheduling stuff, I won't be seeing Stone until next Thursday. Thursday is also the day of my second art show, and I'm super nervous about it. This exhibition is a lot bigger than my first, and when I looked up the other artists I felt more than a little overwhelmed. There are several professionals showing their works who are basically national treasures. Aaaand here is little ol' me, bumbling around with my paints. There has been a bit of national media attention on the show too, so there might be a blurb or something in the papers. We artists were told to "expect additional media", whatever that means.

I know I'm going to work myself into a lather on Thursday if I don't have some kind of distraction. I was talking to Stone about it and he happily offered up his sweet self as Excellent Distraction #1. His proposition was that if I am exhausted from sex and cuddles it will be a lot harder to stress myself into a case of hives. I don't disagree! And, even if no sex happens, he promised to bring snacks and that we could watch Jurassic Park instead, which would also be good. He'll even drop me off to get my face and hair did for the shindig.

Anyways, he is planning on coming to the exhibition too. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Yes, I want my friends there. For sure! But... my parents and girlfriends are going to be there, right. Hrmm. Seems a bit strange. It's likely they won't even meet, though, since there is likely to be quite a few people there, and these kinds of events are usually come-and-go.

If anyone is curious, here is an image of my work that is up for sale at the auction: (hopefully this works)
uurpuW.jpg

"Wheat Kings"
 
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It sounds like such a magical trip! What a great weekend and what a sweet friend wanting to support you on your event. I hope you have a great time Thursday.

Your painting is Gorgeous!! Is it Acrylic or oils?

What size is it? :) How long did it take you? I don't think you need to worry about those "National treasures" You'll do just fine being you. Go for it!
 
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