Not Dead Yet!

Had a really nice weekend. I reconnected with Oak and Willow after not seeing them for a while. (I was away or sick.) They got me a birthday card and wrote a lovely message about how I am special to both of them. I so appreciate them doing that. Made me really feel good. They are truly making an effort. I've been focusing on telling them that I see what they are doing and I love it.

Also had a lovely, fun time with SW over the weekend. I'm definitely making up for when I was away or sick!
 
WARNING - Happy post!

I tend to post more when I'm struggling or trying to figure something out. I've decided to post more when things are going well. Kind of my own version of 'happy poly moment' from the Poly Weekly podcast.

I had a fabulous time with Willow and Oak this weekend. I made dinner for them at my place.

I generally don't want to watch other people having sex. It's not interesting or arousing for me. However, I enjoy watching Oak and Willow have sex. I think caring for the people involved makes all the difference for me. I don't want to only watch them have sex - at some point I want to be involved. But it is interesting to watch them - I feel like I learn new things about them and it's just visually interesting. I have no idea how I look during sex. I don't think I want to know, actually, beyond a mild curiosity about what my 'O face' looks like.
 
Heh, my O face probably doesn't look like anything. But who knows.

In any case, it sounds like you had a great weekend; that makes me happy.
 
opalescent said:
WARNING - Happy post!

I tend to post more when I'm struggling or trying to figure something out. I've decided to post more when things are going well. Kind of my own version of 'happy poly moment' from the Poly Weekly podcast.

I had a fabulous time with Willow and Oak this weekend. I made dinner for them at my place.

I generally don't want to watch other people having sex. It's not interesting or arousing for me. However, I enjoy watching Oak and Willow have sex. I think caring for the people involved makes all the difference for me. I don't want to only watch them have sex - at some point I want to be involved. But it is interesting to watch them - I feel like I learn new things about them and it's just visually interesting. I have no idea how I look during sex. I don't think I want to know, actually, beyond a mild curiosity about what my 'O face' looks like.
Click to expand...

Pixi tells me I get a really beatific smile on my face just before I start to cum, that she really likes. As for actual O face, I reckon I look like I just stepped on a Lego in the middle of the night.
 
The holidays went well. And I got time with friends and with my partners.

I had a bout of intense loneliness. It lasted for days. I am often lonely. I live alone (except for the Tiny Pets of course). Mostly I am fine that I live by myself. But I do get lonely at times. But this was different. I just couldn't shake it for a while. I think the loneliness was more than just winter approaching or because I am recovering from colds/allergies. Well, I do think both of those things contributed. This loneliness seemed to be trying to tell me something. I'm not sure what, still. Maybe I should blow up my relationships and be truly alone and develop relationships from that base. Or I should quit my job and do something else. Of course, I have no idea what I would with myself if I quit or how I would support myself. Rarely I get in moods where I just want to start over completely. I entertained the 'chuck it all' idea but I don't think that's what my loneliness was about, at least mostly. I do think that was mostly a fear reaction on my part and not coming from a more stable emotional base.

I do think it is part of my desire to control things too. If I blow up my relationships, that means I'm the one doing things, making decisions.

I'm still attempting to just see where things go, and try to wonder or worry less about where or what my relationships are. Sometimes I have to mentally clench my fist and tell myself to relax, to let things happen. Yeah, that is not natural to me at all. It's a struggle but I believe it is a good thing for me to try.
 
Oh, I've decided that seeing what my O face looks like is best left alone. I really don't to feel self conscious about that and seeing it would likely have that effect for me.

I do think the extended loneliness was partly physical and seasonal. I am getting over being sick and it is getting colder and darker here. Usually either of those are something I bounce back from but I believe the combination made both worse. And probably had the effect of worsening my mood and so setting off some the loneliness spiral. I also believe that I was suffering a kind of sub drop. I hadn't played in a kink sense with my partners but I know I get weird if I don't have enough touch.

Touch and sex are really intertwined for me. I adore my friends and I hug them but the cuddling, full body, skin contact is not something I do with platonic friends. I have friends who have no problem with this but I do. It feels weird to me. So if I don't have regular sex partners I get touch deprived. And I discovered, when I do have regular sex, I want more touch. The more I have - sex and touch - the more I want and need. I'm in a situation where I have sex more regularly which is awesome. But I'm discovering that if there is an interruption - someone is sick or away or just busy - and I don't have sex as often as I am now used to - wow, do I drop. It is really unpleasant. And it's not my partners' fault or even their problem. Life happens and we can't have sex every week or weekend. But I have got to figure out how to manage it so I don't get all weird and sink into a depressed state. Or I need to have even more sex! (That's my preferred solution :D but it would mean meeting someone new which has been difficult lately.)
 
Here's to more sex ... ;) ... Hear, hear!
 
opalescent said:
Touch and sex are really intertwined for me. I adore my friends and I hug them but the cuddling, full body, skin contact is not something I do with platonic friends. I have friends who have no problem with this but I do. It feels weird to me. So if I don't have regular sex partners I get touch deprived. And I discovered, when I do have regular sex, I want more touch. The more I have - sex and touch - the more I want and need. I'm in a situation where I have sex more regularly which is awesome. But I'm discovering that if there is an interruption - someone is sick or away or just busy - and I don't have sex as often as I am now used to - wow, do I drop. It is really unpleasant. And it's not my partners' fault or even their problem. Life happens and we can't have sex every week or weekend. But I have got to figure out how to manage it so I don't get all weird and sink into a depressed state. Or I need to have even more sex! (That's my preferred solution :D but it would mean meeting someone new which has been difficult lately.)
Click to expand...

Same here! And my nesting partner just doesn't CRAVE touch the way I do, so while he humors me sometimes, it's only sort of enough.
 
Thanks kdt26417 and icesong! I've been a bit more active on OKC to see if I can meet someone new, even messaged a few people. So far nothing has come of it but that's normal for online dating for me. I was chatting with a friend and we went through all the 'eligible' folks we know and concluded that, yup, I've tapped out my friend networks.

I feel ungrateful for wanting more touch and sex. I am getting more than has been common lately. I've gone long periods without sex. When that happens, I want less touch (and my sex drive nosebombs). For me, there is really is something to the more I have the more I want. It's a good problem to have, I suppose!
 
Things are going pretty well. Still not enough sex or touch for me but that's been true for a long time. I've decided to try and meet more new people to make more friends and possibly more partners. Might be time to be more involved in my local kink scene again. I haven't been feeling like putting energy into that community but perhaps now would be a good time to be more involved again.

I'm thinking I might want to end the FWB thing with SW. It's been fun, I've been enjoying reconnecting with him, the sex has been great. But I can feel myself becoming more attached. I doubt he will ever be into me the way I'd like. So I'm thinking of ending our FWB before I get more attached. Seems easier and cleaner.
 
Sounds like the right idea.
 
Had a good weekend - really lots going on, in good ways. I didn't see Oak and Willow over the weekend. SW and I also didn't get together. So no sex which was a bummer for me. It's inevitable but always just a bit of a downer for me. On the other hand, I did get some leaf raking and other house chores done that desperately needed doing! And I was able to spend quite a bit of time with friends and my parents. That was a good thing.

I'm considering ending the FWB thing with SW. I don't particularly want to. Good sex is a hell of a draw for me. But I can feel myself becoming more attached, wanting more of a romantic connection with him. I knew going in that there was a pretty high chance I might get the 'feels' as the kids say today. After all, there was a reason we dated years ago. I doubt he will want any more than what we have now. I'm trying to decide if I want to tell him I'm ending things or have more of a discussion about it and tell him exactly why. I'm really unsure if I want to be that vulnerable with him. He rejected me and I don't particularly want to be open to that again. On the other hand, having a discussion would allow him to tell me exactly what he does, or doesn't want and I don't have to guess. I hate guessing.

I dunno. Mulling that over.

Had a lovely time with Willow at an emotional intimacy workshop we went to. (Oak had other plans.) We were able to share some details that we might otherwise not thought to talk about or even realize we were curious about. So that was really cool. I do need touch and sex for intimacy but talking and conversation and actual intimate time spent together are also things I need. And this time really fit all of those things. So glad we went.
 
Going to a holiday lighting event tonight. Looking forward to that. My weekend is going to be busy in a good way. Two parties Saturday, a date with Willow and Oak Friday and a birthday party Sunday. Busy!

I'm hoping to carve out some time to reorganize my kitchen.

I wish I could figure out how to have weekends that were a balance of socializing, dates, friends and family connection, and doing stuff I need to do and have some down time myself. I have not been good at managing that lately. It's either been packed to the gills with social stuff or not much at all going on.

Still mulling over situation with SW. I've decided I'm not going to make a fast decision on this but just see how I feel as time goes on.
 
Weekend was lovely, lots of socializing. Fun date on Friday, parties on Saturday and Sunday. Why does everyone have parties all on the same days during the holidays?

Willow and I have been going to events or workshops together lately. Oak has been working long hours. That's been really great - we've been able to talk and get closer. I feel like I am finally getting to really know her. I've been really treasuring the time we've spent together.

I haven't had the same opportunity with Oak. I'm going to ask him for some time - he's got work and several important projects going on so his time is more limited than mine or Willow's. But can't hurt to ask. I don't expect him to be able to hang out as much as Willow and I can. But maybe we can figure out something more regular.

I have an opportunity I'm mulling over. I feel stuck in my house. It's worth much less than I paid for it at the height of the US housing boom. So I can't realistically sell it. A dear friend has offered that I move in with her family, rent out my place and save money. It's really tempting! It would be a way forward, I wouldn't feel trapped by my real estate. I could save major bucks. I would be closer to just about everybody which would be great.

I do have concerns. I've not sure I can live in her neighborhood. It's loud and I'm not sure I can handle that. I also don't want to put our friendship in jeopardy. We both tend to want our own way. The commute would be longer. They have a small child who I adore. It would be a great privilege to have a minor role in helping raise the little one. However, I need to be sure I can handle being around a child most of the time. I would need to be sure the Tiny Pets would be ok around the small child. We would also need to figure out an equitable way of managing finances, who pays for what, etc.

So I'm continuing conversations with her. It's really exciting! I'm going to offer to do a test run sometime in winter and if that goes well, see how a month or so goes.

My life is so full right now. Feels great, if occasionally stressful!
 
So I’m continuing to ask for what I want with Willow and Oak. They’ve asked me to trust that they care about me.

New Year’s Eve is a big deal to me. I have a superstition that the people I spend NYE with will be important in my life for the next year. I’ve been nervous about asking them if they want to celebrate it with me. Worried they won’t want to or something.

I did finally ask and they are fine with that. We are figuring out plans. So that’s exciting. I’ve also offered to stay over. Not sure if that will work out or not.

It is hard to keep asking for what I want when it matters to me. And I am ok with a no. I suppose this is good practice and personal growth and all that.
 
NYE was awesome.

Willow and I went to a friend's party. I'm really enjoying having her get to know my friends better. She seems to be enjoying it too. We had planned to leave relatively early to go meet Oak (who went to another party) but ended up staying later because we were having so much fun.

FYI, cava is super tasty. I highly recommend it.

We then went to Willow's place to meet Oak. We toasted the New Years at midnight and then spent a few hours just chatting and drinking. That was lovely.

Willow and I were both drunk. I think Oak was buzzed but not drunk. When sex happened, it was great. Willow said some really nice things about me when hammered.

The Tiny Pets were taken care of so I did stay over. I was slightly nervous but mostly really curious how staying over would play out.

Willow and I slept in the bed while Oak slept on an air mattress. I always worry about actually sleeping with other people. I flip and flop all night, need a fair bit of space and don't much like cuddling when asleep. (Cuddling is better when conscious in my opinion!) Snoring really bothers me and I am generally sensitive to noise. So I'm kind of a pain in the ass to actually sleep with, or at least I think I am.

But it went well. I don't think I kept Willow up. Oak does snore but not so loudly that I was driven mad. I didn't sleep much - I never do in a new place. But it was good.

Morning was lovely for me. Oak, who it turns out, is a super morning person, got up before us and prepped to make omelets. That was so awesome. I really appreciated he did that.

Unfortunately Willow was hung over. She had a little more than me and weighs a lot less than I do. There was cuddling in the bed before Oak and I got up. He made omelets for me and him. We had tea and talked for a while. That was really nice. I rarely get to interact with him alone. He doesn't have a lot of time so we tend to spend time together as a threesome. We talked about some stuff that came up a while ago in connection with SW so that was great. I didn't get around to asking him for more alone time but that's ok. Oak and I had sex after breakfast. Willow wasn't up for much because of the hangover. Also she isn't a morning person (me too).

I always worry when I have sex with Oak and she doesn't, or if I come and she doesn't, that she will be angry with me or blame me or otherwise want me out. I also worry about the differences in how we experience sex. I come relatively easily. I can come from a lot of different activities and I can come multiple times. Orgasm is not easy for Willow. She's exploring what works for her. She still enjoys sex, even if she doesn't come. She's not broken - just how her body works. But I worry that I'm like showing her up or making her feel inadequate or just generally being annoying.

She has never acted this way. This is my fears and not reality. I've learned she will tell me if she is unhappy or upset about something related to me. So I've been trying to trust that she will tell me if things are hard. But I just have these worries, which are my thing and not Willow's or Oak's.

But anyway, NYE was fun. I enjoyed staying over, having late night sex and cuddles. It was lovely to wake up with them, it was lovely to eat breakfast and have morning sex. I don't need to do this every day. But once in a while would be really awesome.
 
Aaw, your NYE sounded really nice! I'm glad you had such a good time and that Willow and Oak seem to be treating you well. :)
 
Your new year's sounds really lovely. :)
 
Mya, RainyGrlJenny, thanks! It was lovely. I'm grateful for the memories.

I've had some important realizations about living situations. I've loved living alone. I've done so since Beaker left. I've valued my space and quiet. Generally living alone has been a good thing for me.

In the past few days, I've consciously realized that living alone feels like stagnation instead of the refuge it used to be. This has been percolating for some time but it just finally came together for me so that I could grasp what my subconscious was telling me.

Living with any of my partners is not on the table. Oak and Willow live separately and I doubt they have plans to ever live together. SW is not a romantic relationship. Plus he's considering moving away. Generally I am really hesitant to move in with a partner. Beaker and I stagnated living together, we got trapped in couple-dom and it wasn't good for either of us. I don't think I'd repeat that exact pattern but I do worry that living together would not be a good fit for me.

I'm considering moving in with my best friend and her family. We are talking this week and arranging a 'test run' where I'd move in for a week and see how it goes. So that's a strong possibility. Another friend mentioned that her and her boyfriend would consider me living with them. Both of these would be platonic, no chance of a sexual or romantic connection with any of them. It's really nice to know that people want me to live with them, that I'd be a good housemate!

So I think there are big living changes for me ahead.
 
There's been a lot going on, but it's mostly been internal. I'm thinking furiously, trying to figure out all kinds of things.

I'm kinda tired, honestly. This feels necessary but hard.

I've finally begun to face some body image stuff that I have long hidden. I don't like how I look. My mental image of myself has diverged greatly from what I look like. And I really hate that.

And I realized that I am not attracted to people who look like me. Average or overweight is not a problem. I am attracted to some overweight people. But they are not overweight in the way I am - as in short, really round, lumps and bumps. They tend to be taller and mass is distributed differently. There is just something about people who echo how I am fat that prevents any attraction for me. I think if this was just a preference of mine, it wouldn't be a big deal, just who I am attracted to. But I think this is rooted in some deep self-loathing. If I work through this and realize I am still not attracted to bigger people, that would be fine, as long as the reasons behind that preference weren't based in some dislike of myself.

I don't know where this is going or how I will work on it. I've started talking about it with my therapist so that was helpful.

My keto regimen has been really hard lately. I've not stayed on it. I struggle to have enough or the right things in the house, or with me, so that I don't 'fall off the wagon' when I'm hungry. It's when there is nothing in the house I want to eat that I struggle. Discipline has never been my strong suit and I am just not sure how to refocus and keep trying. It's been discouraging. But i know I will never address my weight until I figure out the emotional baggage. So maybe I am on the right track anyway.

Oak and Willow have been having some difficulties. I think it is likely a continuation of prior issues but I don't know that for sure. It's a weird situation. I want them to be well and happy. And I want to support them. But also I am not a disinterested bystander. I am involved with both of them. I find myself worrying about if they break up, what will happen with my relationships with the two of them? I don't know if either would survive. It makes it hard to be supportive in the best way possible. I am not sure how to handle this kind of thing.

And it doesn't help I haven't seen them in a while. I've had a series of colds, which is fucking annoying. Oak has been working long hours so he's tired and Willow seems to be struggling with depression issues a bit more than usual (although that can be hard to tell). So while we've hung out and socialized, there has been little time and energy for anything more intimate, either physically or just talking. It's frustrating. No one's fault - life happens. But frustrating.

SW is prepping for relatively minor surgery so he's been busy or in too much discomfort to do more than be social. Which again, no one's fault. But not being anyone's priority is really hitting me hard right now.
 
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