Not Dead Yet!
- Thread starter opalescent
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opalescent
Active member
'Can confirm!' as they say on Reddit. That has been my lived experience. My sexuality is very fluid and has changed over time. This is just another change and I know there will be other changes coming along in the future. I don't know what those will be but I know they will occur.
I've always experienced it as fluid so this was not as startling to me as it might have been to folks who feel their sexuality is more of the set at birth/genetically determined mentality.
Yeah, me too regarding dates. But that's how it goes sometimes, you know? I try not to let it frustrate me too much, but I do get impatient. Which doesn't help a thing.
No, if you're impatient, then the potential dates pick up that vibe and think, "There must be a hitch."
This fluid orientation phenomenon is fascinating. I always assumed orientation was fixed at birth and stayed that way. Perhaps it's like that for some, but not all?
This fluid orientation phenomenon is fascinating. I always assumed orientation was fixed at birth and stayed that way. Perhaps it's like that for some, but not all?
opalescent
Active member
So after much mulling, I've 'officially' changed my orientation to 'straight' on Fetlife. I would prefer 'straight-ish' but that wasn't an option. And I find homo- or hetero-flexible to be a bit precious. If those terms work for people, that's cool but I've never liked them.
I went to a party with all bi women. Food was great, games got raunchy (strip Cards against Humanity!), there was toplessness and nudity. I enjoyed myself.
And I realized that it was my last hurrah as a bi woman, at least for the foreseeable future. While I loved seeing the boobs (I will always love boobs!) I had no attraction to any of the lovely women there. I'm just way more into dudes right now. I wrote a journal on Fet explaining why, in part because I wanted to make clear I was not denying my past, my ex-wife, or any of my experiences. But I also wanted to explain how the long swings of change in my sexuality work for me. I think there are others who experience sexuality in similar ways and it's not something that is talked about often enough. People do talk about more rapid changes in sexual attraction or about being attracted to people, not particular gendered traits, and that's all cool. But it's not been my experience.
Poor Beaker saw my status change and texted me basically 'what you're straight now!?! wtf?' Not exact words but that's the feeling. I told her to go read my writing - it would explain things and there wasn't anything she didn't already know. Typically she hadn't read the writing and I think she understood and felt better after doing so. I should have sent her a heads up before but I didn't think that one through.
So that's been one kinda big thing. It's been percolating a while obviously.
I've also disabled my OKC account for now. I just wasn't getting messages from people who interested me. And I didn't see anyone I wanted to send a message to. But mostly there is so much going on internally with me right now that dating seems like a distraction and not what I need to be focusing on now.
I had a minor melt down about work recently. As in I couldn't bring myself to go to work. Could not do it. I was able to call in sick, for which I am very grateful. Not everyone has that luxury (sadly). I need to either accept my job and career for what they are and be content or I need to go do something else. Unfortunately I have no practical ideas for what else I would do. And anything else would almost certainly be a financial hit - which is something I struggle with immensely. But I need to figure this out and soonish or work is going to start noticing my lack of productivity. I don't want to fired as a way to make a decision. It needs to be on my own terms.
So I've decided to find a therapist and start working out the work stuff. It's emotional largely, not rational. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I feel like I should have a purpose but no idea what that should be. And even if I develop a purpose, that does not necessarily need to be work related. Lots of people use work to support what they really want to do elsewhere. But I don't know if I can be one of those people. A few folks have given me some suggestions. However, if anyone is MD based or knows of good therapists in MD, I would really appreciate a PM. (I did consider a life coach but since this feels deeper than just being bored with my job, I want to try therapy first.)
I am also considering weight loss surgery. I have lots of emotional issues around food too. I know that surgery will not 'fix' me by itself. But I am considering it as a way to give myself a boost to address my problems of not eating healthy foods and eating less calories. And if my joints hurt less, I could exercise more. I have tried repeatedly to stop eating french fries and have failed every time. So I'm mulling over a combination of Overeaters Anonymous or similar group and possibly surgery. It would be great to lose the weight without surgery. But I don't know without that direct immediate feedback of not being able to eat much at a time if I can do it. I've never had success with diets or exercise alone. I've not made up my mind - still considering. I haven't even mentioned it to my doctor yet. I have talked to people who have had various kinds of weight loss surgeries and that has been helpful. They've been really clear about the problems, struggles and what they feel they've gained (pun *not* intended!). So I'm continuing mulling.
I got a tarot card at a recent Samhain ritual with my local pagan group (love them!). It was a card representing emotion - I pulled it in response to asking the cards what would my year be about or like. I have been working on being more emotionally open and feel I've made progress, if not as much as I hoped. I also realize that I need to process emotions in different ways. It's a difficult thing to describe but I find myself wanting to reach out to help others who are in some sort of emotional pain and I find myself limited because I cannot separate my pain from theirs. I don't take on their pain as some of my empathetic friends do (at least I don't think so) but I can't get distance from my own issues to address theirs. I want to help and find myself largely cut off from being effective. I don't like this at all. I want to be able to be there for people. And I cannot right now. This needs to change (another item for therapy). So emotional work - which I find terrifying - is going to be my focus for this upcoming year.
And in typical opalescent style - have an existential crisis about work, realize deep emotional work is needed - I decide to do ALL THE THINGS in November. I sighed up for NaNoWriMo - where people write a 50,000 word novel just in November. I am enjoying it - I used to mostly entertain myself as a kid by making up stories. It's been great to do that again. I'm writing a thriller and it's fun. But I am so behind! I also, months ago, signed up for a jewelry class. I am also really enjoying it and learning a lot. I badly underestimated the amount of time needed for it and the other constraints on my time. So I've been madly juggling time and commitments and the need for time alone to work on me. It's been wearing, in a good way mostly. But I will be glad when November is over.
I went to a party with all bi women. Food was great, games got raunchy (strip Cards against Humanity!), there was toplessness and nudity. I enjoyed myself.
And I realized that it was my last hurrah as a bi woman, at least for the foreseeable future. While I loved seeing the boobs (I will always love boobs!) I had no attraction to any of the lovely women there. I'm just way more into dudes right now. I wrote a journal on Fet explaining why, in part because I wanted to make clear I was not denying my past, my ex-wife, or any of my experiences. But I also wanted to explain how the long swings of change in my sexuality work for me. I think there are others who experience sexuality in similar ways and it's not something that is talked about often enough. People do talk about more rapid changes in sexual attraction or about being attracted to people, not particular gendered traits, and that's all cool. But it's not been my experience.
Poor Beaker saw my status change and texted me basically 'what you're straight now!?! wtf?' Not exact words but that's the feeling. I told her to go read my writing - it would explain things and there wasn't anything she didn't already know. Typically she hadn't read the writing and I think she understood and felt better after doing so. I should have sent her a heads up before but I didn't think that one through.
So that's been one kinda big thing. It's been percolating a while obviously.
I've also disabled my OKC account for now. I just wasn't getting messages from people who interested me. And I didn't see anyone I wanted to send a message to. But mostly there is so much going on internally with me right now that dating seems like a distraction and not what I need to be focusing on now.
I had a minor melt down about work recently. As in I couldn't bring myself to go to work. Could not do it. I was able to call in sick, for which I am very grateful. Not everyone has that luxury (sadly). I need to either accept my job and career for what they are and be content or I need to go do something else. Unfortunately I have no practical ideas for what else I would do. And anything else would almost certainly be a financial hit - which is something I struggle with immensely. But I need to figure this out and soonish or work is going to start noticing my lack of productivity. I don't want to fired as a way to make a decision. It needs to be on my own terms.
So I've decided to find a therapist and start working out the work stuff. It's emotional largely, not rational. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I feel like I should have a purpose but no idea what that should be. And even if I develop a purpose, that does not necessarily need to be work related. Lots of people use work to support what they really want to do elsewhere. But I don't know if I can be one of those people. A few folks have given me some suggestions. However, if anyone is MD based or knows of good therapists in MD, I would really appreciate a PM. (I did consider a life coach but since this feels deeper than just being bored with my job, I want to try therapy first.)
I am also considering weight loss surgery. I have lots of emotional issues around food too. I know that surgery will not 'fix' me by itself. But I am considering it as a way to give myself a boost to address my problems of not eating healthy foods and eating less calories. And if my joints hurt less, I could exercise more. I have tried repeatedly to stop eating french fries and have failed every time. So I'm mulling over a combination of Overeaters Anonymous or similar group and possibly surgery. It would be great to lose the weight without surgery. But I don't know without that direct immediate feedback of not being able to eat much at a time if I can do it. I've never had success with diets or exercise alone. I've not made up my mind - still considering. I haven't even mentioned it to my doctor yet. I have talked to people who have had various kinds of weight loss surgeries and that has been helpful. They've been really clear about the problems, struggles and what they feel they've gained (pun *not* intended!). So I'm continuing mulling.
I got a tarot card at a recent Samhain ritual with my local pagan group (love them!). It was a card representing emotion - I pulled it in response to asking the cards what would my year be about or like. I have been working on being more emotionally open and feel I've made progress, if not as much as I hoped. I also realize that I need to process emotions in different ways. It's a difficult thing to describe but I find myself wanting to reach out to help others who are in some sort of emotional pain and I find myself limited because I cannot separate my pain from theirs. I don't take on their pain as some of my empathetic friends do (at least I don't think so) but I can't get distance from my own issues to address theirs. I want to help and find myself largely cut off from being effective. I don't like this at all. I want to be able to be there for people. And I cannot right now. This needs to change (another item for therapy). So emotional work - which I find terrifying - is going to be my focus for this upcoming year.
And in typical opalescent style - have an existential crisis about work, realize deep emotional work is needed - I decide to do ALL THE THINGS in November. I sighed up for NaNoWriMo - where people write a 50,000 word novel just in November. I am enjoying it - I used to mostly entertain myself as a kid by making up stories. It's been great to do that again. I'm writing a thriller and it's fun. But I am so behind! I also, months ago, signed up for a jewelry class. I am also really enjoying it and learning a lot. I badly underestimated the amount of time needed for it and the other constraints on my time. So I've been madly juggling time and commitments and the need for time alone to work on me. It's been wearing, in a good way mostly. But I will be glad when November is over.
opalescent
Active member
Today I am reminding myself that loneliness is not forever. It is temporary. And it is ok to be lonely. It is ok to feel that, as painful as it is. It is ok to use it as drive to go meet people and it is ok to make a dumb decision because of it. (I haven't actually made a dumb decision out of loneliness currently but have in the past. I know when I get into this state, it's more likely.)
opalescent
Active member
I find myself quite down today. Had a biopsy done to check for cancerous cells caused by HPV. Probably will get good news but so unhappy about going through this again. If positive, I may need to have surgery to remove the affected area. That's all in the future though - no results yet. I will know in about a week.
Also had a scene go not so great. First time this has happened. I know I'm learning how to top and I expected to screw up and learn from it but man, it's painful. I hate it when the people who I play with don't have a good experience. Hate it! And it's frustrating to me that I can't always tell that. I knew the scene was not going the direction the bottom hoped for but I thought they were still enjoying it. I learned there are areas I'm not good at and need to avoid for now. Maybe forever as I truly don't enjoy them but was attempting them as a way to give the bottom what they wanted and to expand my own skills. Didn't go very well. (No one was hurt and no one's consent was violated btw. Not that kind of scene gone wrong.)
I also am not a service top. I do want my bottoms to enjoy the scene - that's critical - but I need to get something out of scening too. I don't do solely for the bottom's enjoyment. (Some tops do and that's fine.) I am realizing I'm not getting what I want out of topping lately. I've been topping whoever asks me - which is a good way to get experience, which I really need, but it also means the connection is sometimes lacking. I'm doing public play as I associate private play with playing with someone I'm in a relationship with. As I am single, I'm not really interested in private play. But the connection can suffer in that circumstance. I also don't like cuddling people I don't know well so the connecting after a scene that can be so important has been lacking for me and possibly my bottoms. So maybe I need to limit who I play with. Play only with people I have good chemistry with. The problem is that I do not have those people in my life right now. And I thought I had good chemistry with the person whose scene with me went awry.
Ugh. Just feeling down over health and scene stuff in general. Ugh.
Also had a scene go not so great. First time this has happened. I know I'm learning how to top and I expected to screw up and learn from it but man, it's painful. I hate it when the people who I play with don't have a good experience. Hate it! And it's frustrating to me that I can't always tell that. I knew the scene was not going the direction the bottom hoped for but I thought they were still enjoying it. I learned there are areas I'm not good at and need to avoid for now. Maybe forever as I truly don't enjoy them but was attempting them as a way to give the bottom what they wanted and to expand my own skills. Didn't go very well. (No one was hurt and no one's consent was violated btw. Not that kind of scene gone wrong.)
I also am not a service top. I do want my bottoms to enjoy the scene - that's critical - but I need to get something out of scening too. I don't do solely for the bottom's enjoyment. (Some tops do and that's fine.) I am realizing I'm not getting what I want out of topping lately. I've been topping whoever asks me - which is a good way to get experience, which I really need, but it also means the connection is sometimes lacking. I'm doing public play as I associate private play with playing with someone I'm in a relationship with. As I am single, I'm not really interested in private play. But the connection can suffer in that circumstance. I also don't like cuddling people I don't know well so the connecting after a scene that can be so important has been lacking for me and possibly my bottoms. So maybe I need to limit who I play with. Play only with people I have good chemistry with. The problem is that I do not have those people in my life right now. And I thought I had good chemistry with the person whose scene with me went awry.
Ugh. Just feeling down over health and scene stuff in general. Ugh.
opalescent
Active member
Trying hard not to spiral into further depression. Hopefully temporary.
opalescent
Active member
Biopsy results are that my cervix is severely inflamed but no signs of cancer or precancerous cells. So that's good. Now I have to decide if I will get a procedure to have the abnormal cells removed or just wait and see.
I am not enjoying my life right now. I keep telling myself this is not forever...
I am not enjoying my life right now. I keep telling myself this is not forever...
SNeacail
New member
Yeah on no cancer!!! Did doctor suggest "just wait and see"? If so, I think I'd get a second opinion. My biggest mistake was delaying a procedure the doctor strongly suggested in the first place.
opalescent
Active member
@SNeacail, thanks for responding!
My doctor seems to think either are good choices. I'm leaning towards having the LEEP procedure done. It seems low risk in terms of complications and it would be good to have the abnormal cells gone before they change into something more serious.
My doctor seems to think either are good choices. I'm leaning towards having the LEEP procedure done. It seems low risk in terms of complications and it would be good to have the abnormal cells gone before they change into something more serious.
JaneQSmythe
Well-known member
I've had the LEEP done twice. First about 8-10 years ago, then again about a year ago. Wasn't a big deal. (Mine were for pre-cancerous cells, not cervicitis, so "wait and see" was not really the preferred option.)
I don't know if details of what to expect are something that makes you feel better or worse, so I'll make the font of the next bit really small and hard to read in case you want to skip it.
For me, it really wasn't any more uncomfortable than the colpo biopsies. The worst part is the cervical block (local anesthesia) - there is a lot of PRESSURE and then your heart races for a minute and it feels like you are going to have a panic attack. But it doesn't get any worse and then it fades away. You don't feel much during the LEEP itself (just some pressure/pulling). Recovery wasn't much - a few cramps and no sex for a few weeks.
If you have any questions or want to talk about it - feel free to PM me.
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opalescent
Active member
I decided to get the procedure done and have scheduled it. Thanks JaneQSmythe for telling me about your experience! I'm someone who prefers to know more rather than than less.
I have recommendations for therapists I will contact shortly to arrange an initial meeting. So that's moving along. I've never been in therapy and have little idea of what to expect. But I am stuck on my own so this seems like a good next step. Thanks Magdlyn for the encouragement!
I have recommendations for therapists I will contact shortly to arrange an initial meeting. So that's moving along. I've never been in therapy and have little idea of what to expect. But I am stuck on my own so this seems like a good next step. Thanks Magdlyn for the encouragement!
If this is your first experience with therapists, can I just encourage you to shop around if you need to. Don't assume the first therapist you see is right for you (unless you get lucky). Try out a number of therapists as necessary to find one that really clicks with you, y'know?
Opal, I am sorry your D/s "scene" didn't work out. You didn't share details, but you did say you're no good at aftercare with relative strangers.
Personally, when I end up being Topped, I find the aftercare super important. It is best to get it from the person who Topped me, but if they can't or won't, for any reason, I make sure I get it from someone else. If you feel interested in Topping publically again, maybe you could give your bottom a headsup that aftercare isn't your forte, and they could line up someone at the venue to be there for them afterwards.
Personally, when I end up being Topped, I find the aftercare super important. It is best to get it from the person who Topped me, but if they can't or won't, for any reason, I make sure I get it from someone else. If you feel interested in Topping publically again, maybe you could give your bottom a headsup that aftercare isn't your forte, and they could line up someone at the venue to be there for them afterwards.
opalescent
Active member
So after all that, I had to reschedule the LEEP procedure. I am less freaked out about it so the delay turned out to be a good thing. Been feeling a bit better overall. Going to therapy makes me feel like I am doing something to address my issues and I always feel better when I am doing something. And I have taken to watching my calories to actively try and lose weight. Got an app and everything!
I also reactivated my OKC account. This might be a mistake but, honestly, I'm bored and want some nookie.
I also reactivated my OKC account. This might be a mistake but, honestly, I'm bored and want some nookie.
opalescent
Active member
LEEP procedure was this week. Went fine. They put me under totally which I was happy about. Much rather do that than a twilight state. My fabulous friends teamed up to get me to and from the hospital.
Because of the cold, snow and ice, I've been stuck at home alone way more than I like. Getting a bit stir crazy. Most of the time I like living alone but recently it's been lonely.
Because of the cold, snow and ice, I've been stuck at home alone way more than I like. Getting a bit stir crazy. Most of the time I like living alone but recently it's been lonely.