Not Dead Yet!
- Thread starter opalescent
- Start date
opalescent
Active member
Yeah, I'm rather disappointed in myself that I tolerated it this long. I'm trying to cut myself some slack for that, actually.
His wife does not manage her own emotions well. If she has a meltdown, then it becomes everyone's problem. And she's not very conscious about this so tends to pretend to be ok with things and then, surprise! she isn't.
We've been play partners on a very sporadic basis for a few years now. Work schedules and such also had a hand in limiting time spent together. But mainly we would set a play date, and then, about 1 in 3 times, she would have an issue of some kind and he would cancel - usually the morning of.
It's been somewhat better more recently. Work schedules have changed so that helped. But her pattern of freaking out about something the morning of a scheduled playdate has not changed. I'm fine if things come up - that's part of life. I've had to cancel 1 or 2 dates because I've been sick or in pain. But this is a pattern that's not going to change, he will never ask her to change, because he is scared of her. I like her actually - she is a good and kind person in many ways. But I've lost all respect for her because of this pattern, because of how she treats him, and a general refusal to deal with her emotional shit.
I don't mind not at all not being the first or even fifty priority for him. We're friends with benefits after all. But I cannot tolerate being disrespected in this way. This treats me like a disposable fuck toy. I am not. I am a good friend and a fabulous lover and I am not disposable. My time and attention are valuable too and deserve respect. I'm not going to get that from him and so the FWB thing is over.
His wife does not manage her own emotions well. If she has a meltdown, then it becomes everyone's problem. And she's not very conscious about this so tends to pretend to be ok with things and then, surprise! she isn't.
We've been play partners on a very sporadic basis for a few years now. Work schedules and such also had a hand in limiting time spent together. But mainly we would set a play date, and then, about 1 in 3 times, she would have an issue of some kind and he would cancel - usually the morning of.
It's been somewhat better more recently. Work schedules have changed so that helped. But her pattern of freaking out about something the morning of a scheduled playdate has not changed. I'm fine if things come up - that's part of life. I've had to cancel 1 or 2 dates because I've been sick or in pain. But this is a pattern that's not going to change, he will never ask her to change, because he is scared of her. I like her actually - she is a good and kind person in many ways. But I've lost all respect for her because of this pattern, because of how she treats him, and a general refusal to deal with her emotional shit.
I don't mind not at all not being the first or even fifty priority for him. We're friends with benefits after all. But I cannot tolerate being disrespected in this way. This treats me like a disposable fuck toy. I am not. I am a good friend and a fabulous lover and I am not disposable. My time and attention are valuable too and deserve respect. I'm not going to get that from him and so the FWB thing is over.
opalescent
Active member
Glow broke up with me. Doesn't love me and doesn't see that changing. Heartbroken
Hannahfluke
Member
I'm so, so sorry!
opalescent
Active member
Nothing like that. She just isn't in love with me and after a year together that's not going to change.
YouAreHere
Well-known member
Hugs, Opal... 
Oh no! Opal, I am so, so sorry! I just went through the same sudden shift with Punk. God, does it hurt. I'm really sad for you, honey.
RainyGrlJenny
Member
So, so sorry
opalescent
Active member
Thanks everyone.
I'm doing poorly, not well at all.
I'm doing poorly, not well at all.
opalescent
Active member
Neither of us had said the words 'I love you' to each other yet. So it's not like Glow didn't tell me she loved me and then took it back.
I know there is no point but I really wish it wasn't so that the only time she brought up a problem in the relationship was to end it. Maybe that was a sign. No strong emotions at all really. No love, no passion. Nothing wrong really but not great either.
It never occurred to me that a reason I was feeling disconnected was from her, at least in part. I thought it was an internal thing, baggage from my relationship with Beaker. And I do think that was part of it. But I sometimes felt lonely and kinda of emotionally starving in the relationship. I thought that was because of my internal stuff and because we were learning to communicate with each other. Never thought I was starving because there was nothing there for her. Or not enough of romantic feelings for me. I definitely had doubts about the relationship but I wasn't ready to call it yet. I guess she got there faster than me.
I realized that she didn't do much for me that she didn't do for other people, for friends. She's a very caring person so that was a lot, honestly. But not really different in scale or type than what she does for her friends. The last week I started wondering why I felt like I was putting in a lot of work, to meet her friends, to understand her better, and it felt to me that she wasn't doing the same. I dismissed it as insecurity on my part. Now I know better, I suppose.
I don't know if I love her. I still have not figured that out and maybe now I never will. I care about her greatly. I don't hate her. I hope she is ok and getting support. She has lots of friends so I'm sure she's doing alright. I'm glad she told me instead of lying to me or just continuing on. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me.
But I miss her. I miss getting texts, and talking to her throughout the day. I miss planning getting together. I miss hearing about her day. I miss how she treated the tiny pets. I miss curling up with her, I miss her voice.
And I'm mourning not only her, herself, but the death of all those possibilities. We're not going to live together. We're not going to get to know each other any better than we do now. (Theoretically I know this is possible as friends but I haven't really gotten to know any of my exes better after the relationship ends. We are still friends but it's not particularly intimate. I don't show my deepest self to them, as some part of me thinks they don't deserve to see that anymore. They had that and rejected it.) We're not going to be entangled in each other lives. That's all gone.
I'm just a mess. I never describe myself as broken. But I feel broken. I know I was miserable when Beaker ended our marriage. I remember feeling my world had just ended. But I don't remember feeling broken. Maybe I did and don't remember it.
We were not together a year (almost but not quite). I don't know why I am so distraught. I think part of it is that while Beaker ending us was devastating, I knew without a doubt that she loved me, and I her. We failed in spite of that. I've never been rejected because the other person just couldn't love me. God that is hard to take. I've had people fall out of love with me - Whip did that. But he did love to the best of his ability before that. And I loved him. I knew that for sure. It also wasn't enough but it was real.
But Glow was the first person after Beaker that I felt a future was possible. Where I wanted to see if a future together, working towards that, would happen. It's true I don't know if I love her. And maybe the possibilities of a future was more of dream than reality. But I felt it. I thought she did too. But I guess not really. We never did speak much of the future, beyond agreeing we were not ready to live together after a few months together. We hadn't been together a year yet. Seemed a bit premature to me. I was happy to take things slowly. I had gotten to a place of peace about that. Turns out low conflict is not always a good thing. I've always thought that having no fights was a bad sign was a rather stupid idea but perhaps there is something to it.
I feel unlovable. I've never felt unlovable before. I don't know what to do about this. I think it's why I feel broken where I never have before.
I know there is no point but I really wish it wasn't so that the only time she brought up a problem in the relationship was to end it. Maybe that was a sign. No strong emotions at all really. No love, no passion. Nothing wrong really but not great either.
It never occurred to me that a reason I was feeling disconnected was from her, at least in part. I thought it was an internal thing, baggage from my relationship with Beaker. And I do think that was part of it. But I sometimes felt lonely and kinda of emotionally starving in the relationship. I thought that was because of my internal stuff and because we were learning to communicate with each other. Never thought I was starving because there was nothing there for her. Or not enough of romantic feelings for me. I definitely had doubts about the relationship but I wasn't ready to call it yet. I guess she got there faster than me.
I realized that she didn't do much for me that she didn't do for other people, for friends. She's a very caring person so that was a lot, honestly. But not really different in scale or type than what she does for her friends. The last week I started wondering why I felt like I was putting in a lot of work, to meet her friends, to understand her better, and it felt to me that she wasn't doing the same. I dismissed it as insecurity on my part. Now I know better, I suppose.
I don't know if I love her. I still have not figured that out and maybe now I never will. I care about her greatly. I don't hate her. I hope she is ok and getting support. She has lots of friends so I'm sure she's doing alright. I'm glad she told me instead of lying to me or just continuing on. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me.
But I miss her. I miss getting texts, and talking to her throughout the day. I miss planning getting together. I miss hearing about her day. I miss how she treated the tiny pets. I miss curling up with her, I miss her voice.
And I'm mourning not only her, herself, but the death of all those possibilities. We're not going to live together. We're not going to get to know each other any better than we do now. (Theoretically I know this is possible as friends but I haven't really gotten to know any of my exes better after the relationship ends. We are still friends but it's not particularly intimate. I don't show my deepest self to them, as some part of me thinks they don't deserve to see that anymore. They had that and rejected it.) We're not going to be entangled in each other lives. That's all gone.
I'm just a mess. I never describe myself as broken. But I feel broken. I know I was miserable when Beaker ended our marriage. I remember feeling my world had just ended. But I don't remember feeling broken. Maybe I did and don't remember it.
We were not together a year (almost but not quite). I don't know why I am so distraught. I think part of it is that while Beaker ending us was devastating, I knew without a doubt that she loved me, and I her. We failed in spite of that. I've never been rejected because the other person just couldn't love me. God that is hard to take. I've had people fall out of love with me - Whip did that. But he did love to the best of his ability before that. And I loved him. I knew that for sure. It also wasn't enough but it was real.
But Glow was the first person after Beaker that I felt a future was possible. Where I wanted to see if a future together, working towards that, would happen. It's true I don't know if I love her. And maybe the possibilities of a future was more of dream than reality. But I felt it. I thought she did too. But I guess not really. We never did speak much of the future, beyond agreeing we were not ready to live together after a few months together. We hadn't been together a year yet. Seemed a bit premature to me. I was happy to take things slowly. I had gotten to a place of peace about that. Turns out low conflict is not always a good thing. I've always thought that having no fights was a bad sign was a rather stupid idea but perhaps there is something to it.
I feel unlovable. I've never felt unlovable before. I don't know what to do about this. I think it's why I feel broken where I never have before.
I don't know if this will help, but I thought of it when you spoke of feeling broken:
http://tedxtalks.ted.com/video/Learning-to-Live-Stephanie-Sn-2
http://tedxtalks.ted.com/video/Learning-to-Live-Stephanie-Sn-2
opalescent
Active member
I will take a look. Thanks Kevin.
opalescent
Active member
It's Glow's birthday soon. I'm just trying to keep busy and not think about it, and completely failing. But at least I have plans to keep me occupied. My friends are really being awesome.