Not Dead Yet!

Good to hear that your friends are stepping up to help.
 
I am sorry to hear how this has affected your feelings about yourself. You are most definitely not unlovable. You have a wonderful kind heart. Break ups are hard.
 
I didn't go to my plans with my friends. I could not handle being around people. And I could not handle being around people who are also friends with Glow. That feels very petty and stupid to me but I could not do it. They haven't done anything wrong and have been nothing but supportive but I can't be around them. I have irrational fears they will 'report back' on me to Glow.

And I am so angry that it is spilling out and affecting everything. I am angry at work for being stupid. I am angry at Glow. I am angry at my friends for no reason. I'm angry at my parents for not wanting to hear about my relationships. I'm angry, angry, angry.

I'm so angry about feeling unlovable. It doesn't matter that she probably didn't mean to. I'm so angry she didn't give me a heads up about this much earlier. Why wait almost a year? Did she not know before? Why wait so long? Was she waiting for me to say something?

And while I'm not sure if I am in love with her, I did realize that I definitely acted lovingly. After I told her of the break up, one of my friends was going on about how love is a verb, not feelings. I couldn't figure out why she brought that up. But I get it now. I acted with love. I did things to get to know her better, to make her life a little better, a little easier. I worked hard to be open with her as best I could. I tried to communicate as best I could. I didn't succeed at these all the time but I tried. So while I did not say 'I love you', I was offering my love to her anyway. And I did not realize that until now. And it was not enough. She did not respond. Does not feel the same.

I've never had a relationship where I wish it hadn't happened at all. I have regrets, many of them with Beaker, and some sadness around how they played out. But I haven't wished that they never happened at all.

I wish that for this relationship. I suppose this may change over time. But for now, I wish this year had not happened. That we had never dated. That we remained friends but never got romantically involved. I would have been better off.

And that's a horrible thing to feel after putting so much into a relationship. That it was a total waste.

I want a do over.
 
That's pretty awful, to feel like you wasted a year of your life. :(
 
opalescent said:
I didn't go to my plans with my friends. I could not handle being around people. And I could not handle being around people who are also friends with Glow. That feels very petty and stupid to me but I could not do it. They haven't done anything wrong and have been nothing but supportive but I can't be around them. I have irrational fears they will 'report back' on me to Glow.
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Is that truly an irrational thought tho?

And I am so angry that it is spilling out and affecting everything. I am angry at work for being stupid. I am angry at Glow. I am angry at my friends for no reason.
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Or because they are associated with Glow and you don't trust them not to report.
I'm angry, angry, angry.

I'm so angry about feeling unlovable. It doesn't matter that she probably didn't mean to. I'm so angry she didn't give me a heads up about this much earlier. Why wait almost a year? Did she not know before? Why wait so long? Was she waiting for me to say something?
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You read in my blog, Punk did the same damn thing to me. Twice weekly visits, long talks, dates, laughter, music, dancing, handcrafted gifts for me (checking all those love language boxes big time), wonderful sex and kink, and then he turned on a dime.
And while I'm not sure if I am in love with her, I did realize that I definitely acted lovingly. After I told her of the break up, one of my friends was going on about how love is a verb, not feelings. I couldn't figure out why she brought that up. But I get it now. I acted with love. I did things to get to know her better, to make her life a little better, a little easier. I worked hard to be open with her as best I could. I tried to communicate as best I could. I didn't succeed at these all the time but I tried. So while I did not say 'I love you', I was offering my love to her anyway.
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In my case, I finally (after 8 months) did say those 3 stupid little words. And it made him "uncomfortable." Because it made him feel a "pressure to commit." After 8 months and very regular dates, and helping me in the house and garden and cooking and dog care, what more commitment did he think I wanted? He knows I don't want to live with him or get married!
And I did not realize that until now. And it was not enough. She did not respond. Does not feel the same.
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I came to the conclusion Punk was using me. And that really really sucks! And I told him so. I was just an escape from his problems, good feelings for him. My feelings didn't really matter at all to him! And that is narcissistic. Once his family situation changed, I was just out on my ass. No longer needed. No longer important. BUH bye.
I've never had a relationship where I wish it hadn't happened at all. I have regrets, many of them with Beaker, and some sadness around how they played out. But I haven't wished that they never happened at all.

I wish that for this relationship. I suppose this may change over time. But for now, I wish this year had not happened. That we had never dated. That we remained friends but never got romantically involved. I would have been better off.

And that's a horrible thing to feel after putting so much into a relationship. That it was a total waste.

I want a do over.
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You're angry and hurt and super disappointed that this turned out so shittily! I don't blame you a bit. Maybe Glow, in her transition, was using you for support and confidence-building and sex, and never really saw you as a real person in your own right.

Bitches!
 
Or possibly her head was in it, but her heart just wasn't...and she waited around hoping that her heart would catch up. It can happen that way you know? It's not a crazy thing to hope for, that when your brain is saying you've got a good relationship with a great person, but your primitive whatever, that gut or heart or whatever the hell that is that makes you act like an idiot and squee over people...it's not really sounding off. And it's really confusing. Because you WANT to love that person. And people say that the "squee" isn't "real" and that "real love" will grow over time for the "right" person. You know, all those real/not real things people say about how to do love "the right way." The hell with it, they are nonsense. It's all utter chaos.

I was pretty good with Zen for a while but the whirlwind didn't really get going until 7 months in. That, I didn't see coming, since I've never experienced something like this. But then, how many times can I point at some relationship and say, "It went like this and happened like that and I'd never experienced anything like it." ? Maybe every one is just going to be different.

And so logically, maybe there is no right way. Maybe you were meant to walk this path and have this experience, and maybe after you've processed the emotions, you'll find what was useful to your growth in it. But I can say that looking back for a "she should have" or "I wish I'd"... well, there isn't much use in that. Not really. Anyways...feel what you feel, but try to be good to yourself. You are lovable. And try to come to a place of forgiveness for Glow, because it's pretty human to second guess your own heart and try to have patience and work at something until it blossoms, only to realize eventually it's just not happening. I doubt if she meant to hurt you. That doesn't change the fact that it hurts.
 
This didn't have anything to do with her transitioning.

Spork is likely right that she waited to see what would happen, that she would fall in love. I don't believe Glow wanted to hurt me. And she might be right that we would not have worked out anyway. I had my doubts too, as I wrote here. I wasn't ready to make that decision but she was. I will likely get to a place where I learn whatever fucking life lessons I learn. But I'm not there yet and it's not going to be anytime soon.

I do know I will not be with anyone who doesn't talk about what's going on internally with them. I'm not doing that pattern again with anyone. Glow was just the latest.

And while I appreciate the kind thoughts behind people writing I am lovable, please don't. It feels fake and unreal right now. I know it's not meant to be but saying that to me is like telling someone with body image issues that they are beautiful as they are. They won't believe you and neither do I. Maybe I will after a while. But for now I don't.

And I wish this wasn't affecting me as hard and as deeply as it is. I feel stupid that the loss of a less than a year relationship is this painful. I don't know why I am in such a tailspin. But I am.
 
Sometimes it's okay to just hurt, you know? There doesn't have to be a "reason" or an explanation, and there isn't necessarily anything anyone could say that would make you feel better. Maybe you're not *supposed* to feel better. The grieving process takes time; it takes as long as it takes. The pain you feel is a symbol of what you've lost. It is appropriate to feel it. It would downplay the importance of what you had (or thought you had) with Glow if you could quickly get past it.

Just take it one day at a time, one breath at a time if you have to.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks kdt.

I'm tired of hurting, of not sleeping, of crying. I want it gone. And I know time is the only solution. I hate that. I want to not be in pain and I know I will be for who knows how long. I hate it.

I'm very hurt so I am very angry and I do not know what to do or how to handle that anger. Glow didn't do anything wrong except decide she just wasn't that into me. And the brain weasels keep thinking she will now get back together with her emotionally unhealthy ex (her words, not mine). Then I really will have wasted a year of my life for no point. Intellectually I know it's not my circus not my monkeys anymore. But my brain, which hates me now, just 'knows' that's going to happen. She loved the emotionally unhealthy ex and if she gets back together with them, that just reinforces the 'I'm not lovable' theme music playing in my head now.

I know I'm just spewing all of my fears and anger. And I will look back at all the dumb stuff I'm posting here in embarrassment someday. But I'm trapped in this loop. I do not see a way out of it by myself. I hope my therapist can help. And my friends, even the mutual ones it's painful to be around so I'm avoiding them, have been great.
 
I went through something very similar 3 years ago when my ex boyfriend dumped me. It took a few weeks before I got past the crying anytime I wasn't at work. The not feeling lovable took much, much longer to get over, but I also had the complicating factor of my husband and I not having a good relationship at the time. It hurts immensely and I am so very sorry that you are going through this right now. I hope your therapist is able to help you also.
 
Anger is one of the stages of grief, so I'm not surprised to hear that you're feeling very angry right now. It's okay to feel it, just let it run its course. I know it's not easy.
 
opalescent said:
I feel stupid that the loss of a less than a year relationship is this painful. I don't know why I am in such a tailspin. But I am.
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Sometimes things are just *intense*. HipsterBoy dumped me after 10 months, it's how I ended up on this forum. And I was in a tailspin over him for at least a year. I'm sorry to say the only way out is through, and I hope it ends up easier for you soon.
 
What would have been our first year anniversary is soon. That's not going to be a good day. My plan is to try and stay busy.

I know this can take a while to sort out but I really don't want to take a year to deal with this. I just don't want to. And I realize that sounds like a child wanting what they want. I want to get on with my life. That's probably a bad idea though. What doesn't get dealt with, sticks around.

Just ugh all around.
 
Well, hopefully it won't take a year ... we can only hope.
 
I'm trying to decide what to do about attending a friend's birthday party. One of my good friends is having a birthday party soon. She invited both of us when we were together. I would like to celebrate her birthday and see that set of friends. But Glow will be there, along with an ex of hers. So I'm torn. I'm not sure I will handle seeing her very well, I don't want to have some sort of an issue at this friend's party. But I also want to see these friends. This may not be the best time to do so. I'm currently leaning on not going, which frustrates me.
 
That does sound frustrating. How long before you have to decide?
 
I can understand your apprehension about the party if you are still feeling very fragile. Maybe you could talk to your friend and let her know how much you do want to celebrate with her but you don't feel up to seeing Glow again yet. Perhaps offer to personally take your friend out for their birthday another time. I know it would suck to bow out and not go, because you want to be there for your friend, but I guess you have to ask yourself which course of action would suck the least - going to the party and being upset or possibly losing your shit when you see Glow, versus staying home (or going out and doing something else) and missing out on the festivities but taking care of yourself. Is there anyone else you can hang out with that night who would be good at propping you up if need be?
 
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I decided not to go. I would just be miserable and angry.

My friend had already offered to celebrate her birthday with me another time. So that's what we are doing.

And I'm seeing who's around to hang out with the day of the party.

I know that I have great friends. But it's been really reinforced for me - my 'IRL' friends and my online friends here have stepped up for me.

I am grateful.
 
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