Marcus said:
Honestly I don't know what needs to be added to the statement "I will not be part of a polyamorous relationship, and that's final". Both of their positions have been made abundantly clear, ad nauseam.
I will agree it's become a "circle conversation" in the thread. OP just doesn't want to hear some things right now. So was repeating himself thinking we don't hear him. We
do hear him.
I will respectfully disagree with the part in bold though.
Wonda hasn't actually been posting. Nobody but her knows what her position is today and if it has changed from her position in the past. Not even OP. It's part of OP's frustration that she won't just say what it is.
OP started on post #1 with
straighthusbandandbiwife said:
My wife and I have been happily married for five years.
It took OP until post #144 to be able to say this "out loud" in a clear, concise way.
straighthusbandandbiwife said:
Fourth, I'm going to be honest with you guys that you don't seem to have a lot of sympathy/empathy for the person who's not leading but is supporting. For five long years, I've felt like I'm on the receiving end--just having to passively wait while she slowly... dare I say "leisurely"?... goes on her journey of self-discovery and figures out her wants, needs, beliefs, values, etc. And ya know what? I've been patient as hell, but feeling like I'm in limbo is my kryptonite. Now, with all the additional responsibilities that comes with being not only a dad but a stay-at-home dad, I need clear expectations, direct answers, and final decisions that I can hang my hat on for at least 5-10 years. No more subtle massaging and vague answers.
That in fact, OP has NOT been happy the last 5 years of this. And he really needs Wonda to just state where she stands.
So Marcus, when you say it's been super clear? I wonder if OP has actually told Wonda all the stuff from #144
in person as clearly as he wrote it there. I could be wrong, but I suspect OP has not. I suspect both have been waffling about some.
This is still unfolding for them. The lesson of "love is not always enough" can be a hard one to digest for people.
For this couple in particular? Where this ultimately lands is on them. It's their business.
We can do no more. There really isn't anything more we can add or help with. All anyone here can do is hold space, wish them well, and let them figure it out.
And if OP quit reading and writing, we probably won't ever know where it lands in the end either.
FallenAngelina said:
I'm still not sure what he was looking for. ?
In my mind? And I could be wrong because I am guessing here...
I think ultimately OP was looking a safe enough non-Reddit space express some sadness and frustration. He got that part. Some of the things were hard to hear maybe, but I didn't see where anyone was being mean to him here.
And maybe on some level wanting help dealing in anticipatory grief that he was experiencing... but a grief he's not ready to name, admit, or own. So hard to help him with that part of it.
My guess?
- Wonda is too scared to speak her truth "out loud" to straighthubandandbiwife because she's scared OP will go "Ok. Well, I can't do that. We have to break up if you want that."
- And OP is too scared to speak his truth "out loud" to Wonda because he's scared Wonda will go "Ok. Well, I can't do that. We have to break up if you want that."
- Neither one wants to break up.
- But neither is ready to accept that what each one wants is incompatible. They cannot get to acceptance, if nobody is even willing to list the wants "out loud" to begin with.
So just going around in circles with it.
Sometimes it just takes a while of doing that circle thing before one spouse or the other is ready to be done banging head on wall and plump for cards on the table PLAIN.
Not the "do poly or not" wall. But the other walls.
The wall of "How much circling around can I take before I just get fed up with that? And become more willing to put my cards on table plain?"
The wall of "How long can we keep on this way before we admit we are damaging ourselves/each other?"
Galagirl