Maybe she likes your penis BETTER than the other two guys' penises.
Not to be crude, but you really do need to lighten up on yourself.
Negative, she likes his penis quite a bit. Quite possibly more than mines, but I wouldn't ask for such a comparison. That would be outrageous.
She gets off by rubbing herself while something is in her. Having intercourse is the most intimate way for her to do that, I think.
Wow Vexxed, you are an interesting man. So honest and open about what is going on for you. You make yourself so vulnerable and I admire that emmensely. If you were my boyfriend these are the traits I would respect and would bring me closer. I really hope that you are able to tell her what you have said here sometime. If I were like her it would melt my heart even more to yours.
As a woman who has had three men in her life and now has two (one is exploring different avenues at the moment), I can tell you only that the reasons I have been attracted to them for the long haul have been the kind of honesty you portray in your post. Not for all the things they did and how clean their houses were. Although that helped
sure they got us through the beginning of our relationships but now that we are all beyond that, it is the purity of their communication about their needs and who they really are that has kept us together.
I dearly hope that at some point in this relationship or another you become the real person you are. Because we have seen that here and you are worth that. Simply put, you are a wonderful person and by not being you, she is missing out. A real shame as she probably saw the real you before she started dating you. It was probably the reason she started dating you to begin with.
redpepper, thanks for your kind reply. She does appreciate my honesty and openness.
Last night I went to a party with her and her husband. We had a really good time. Then she spent the night with me.
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I was in the midst of writing this reply, and received a text from her. She was here visiting her other boyfriend, and wanted to come in my room and give me a hug before she left. We actually spent 30 minutes talking and kissing. It was quite an unexpected treat!
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Now back to my therapeutic writing.
Really, which is the real me? I've had the same insecurities for several years. That has influenced some of my decisions, and also made me who I am at this point. Isn't that the real me?
If some of you are wondering how I'm pulling this off while appearing to be very troubled in this thread, here's what I think has been happening.
1.
She is a wonderful woman. I'm so thankful to be with her that I just smile and my mood lifts when I'm with her. So, my insecurities fall back in the shadows while gratitude pervades.
2.
I fake it till I make it!
example: I had some insecurities about delivering sex in the mood that she wanted it last night. She was ready for sex that was raw, feisty, and fun. I was not very confident that I could deliver that sufficiently. I had a seed of hope, and that was it. What did I do? I faked it till I made it. I marched on and made it happen even if I wasn't familiar with venturing there.
I do the same during other intimate times, and times when we are just talking. I fake it till I catch a wave of confidence, which helps me make it. So, I'm pulling it off, but I do admit that I need to work on my self worth. In some areas, I'm improving myself. In other areas, I need to learn more about who I really am.
Aside from benefiting by expressing my feelings here, I hope that the writings about my journey will benefit others.
I was reading what redpepper wrote and thought that is a wonderful positive answer. I didn't answer before because I wouldn't have been so positive. I find the things the OP says to be a huge turn-off, all the insecurities and comparing. I could never be attracted to someone who feels so inferior to others in so many ways, especially about such superficial things such as what kind of job they have or how much money they make, or whether THEY can "get me off" with oral sex. It's obvious that those things matter a lot to the OP - materialism and superficiality is something I find rather unattractive, regardless of how sensitive and caring the person might otherwise be. I could maybe be friends with such a person, but not attracted to them in a "more than friends" way.
My feeling inferior in those areas, when it comes to being a desirable mate, does not accurately represent what I value.
I'm interested in voluntary simplicity and minimalism, which is totally in the opposite direction of materialism.
I have not felt insecure due to my height or my job for the past couple of weeks. When I started this thread I was listing many things, whether they bothered me often, or only when I'm down. I don't feel insecure about my height unless I've already been knocked off of my horse by something else.
What about having a sense of humor? What if I said that judging a man by whether or not he has a sense of humor is shallow and unfair? Nevertheless, women often judge men by whether or not they have a sense of humor.
Hi Vexxed,
I've read this thread with great interest. Earlier you said that there is ranking happening in the dating scene and you think that a lot of poly people are fooling themselves if they disagree.
My wife and I are dating now so I appreciate what you are saying but I think that there is a bit more going on. That dating pecking order is really important when you are dating, (especially if you are in a hurry to make a connection), but you are not dating now. Right?
A person may be so wonderful and full of love that they don't need to date. Potential partners step up regardless if that person is a hard body or has a nice car.
We date to get that initial connection. But once we are in a relationship with someone, the dating ranking is GONE - unless there is a "I can leave you 'cause I'm hot" dynamic going on. But from your posts, I don't think either you or your paramour are sending that message to each other.
So the dating ranking is irrelevant to your situation. I presume you told us about this to let us know your mental landscape. "I know I'm pretty hot, but I am feeling outclassed..."
Polyamory puts your life under a magnifying glass. Maybe that magnifying glass says, "Time for a career change". But I think that the others who have commented are dead right when they say, "you can't beat the whole world". At some point you have to say, so & so is better at these things, or most things, than me.
One thing that I think is good, is a relationship that it pushes you to be better than you are. You are taking some classes in English to allow you to be able to talk meaningfully about more things. Good for you! So long as it does not become an obsessive, never ending race, I think it is great that you are stretching yourself a bit.
Lastly, I believe that humans are genetically programmed to want status and respect of our peers. So it is natural to think, "am I the alpha male?" But nature only goes so far... a lot of what you describe you feeling is culture and mental habits which can be changed. So if your comparing yourself to others is wasting your time and preventing you from enjoying your present, it may be time to change some mental habits. You might want look into the teachings of Buddhism.
A final thought. You have said that your paramour is not as happy with your oral sex skills. Perhaps make a date with her to spend some time talking and working on this? It can only be a compliment that you are interesting in bringing her more happiness.
Good luck, Rick
Rick, I really enjoyed your reply.
I'm not taking an English class yet, but I'm considering it. I've already passed English 101, 102, and speech. I'm not sure that one more class will help me.
I do think that improving on weaknesses is worthwhile, instead of just changing my perception of those weaknesses.
Over the past two weeks I haven't felt inferior due to my height or my job. Yet, I still feel like I'm inferior when it comes to being entertaining, and having a sense of humor. I've felt like a loser on that front since I hit puberty, which was before other concerns about myself ever came into play. That is the insecurity that I have that has the deepest tap root.
Regarding my height or my career, simply changing my perception actually works. Having less to say, and being less interesting is a different story.