Not sure how to feel and if it's right

Rail

New member
Hello,

I made a post a few months ago and got mostly great feedback, so I wanted to see if I can share how I feel and get some outside help on weather what I am feeling is just me being too demanding or if it is reasonable.

So to keep it short, I'm in a relationship with a women, who was already in another and while everything was great other than a few minor hiccups,
she moved in with her other partner and I was already on edge because of it, she told me countless times, that it won't change much and while I didn't believe it,
for her sake I dropped that topic.

Now after a few months it has come to the point, where he set a bunch of boundaries, that in general would kill any relationship that would be possible, especially given that ours is LDR.
We are at a point, where due to Covid he is always home and we used to have Wednesday to just ourselves and sometimes the weekend (whenever I try to initiate something intimate while he is home, she shoots it down and I brought this up to her and was met with denial)

But the situation went even further, to the point where he comes into her room without knocking, just slamming the door open and that is bothering me, because this has been going on for a good while now and no matter how much I try to tell her how I feel, she tells me about her feelings and how I try to invalidate her feelings.

While I generally try to keep it low profile as much as possible, it's really getting on my nerves, that I can't have my girlfriend to myself for basically anytime.
It has come down to me praying, that he goes away for the weekend to be with his other partner and quite frankly, I don't think that is fair on me, but while I am a person that prefers to be direct (She didn't take it very well and it caused a big fight) I tried to be more emotional and it ended with the feelings being "invalidated".

So I am at a loss, how to bring this up to her, either way it feels like, she puts her own feelings above mine at all times and just because I am more of a toughen it out person, she disregards my feelings, until I am generally in a sad mood the entire day.

On top of that, she has other partners and I'm of course fine with that and I even promote her spending time with them, but I asked her on topic of the above mentioned problem, to have some actual "us time" and she said that doesn't work in a poly relationship, but to me that is a very weak excuse, her RL partner gets just that and even barges in when we are clearly in a conversation or literally anything, without a care in the world, but when it comes to me, he clearly tells her, that I am not invited in any way.

Her other partners are also intertwined (Im the only other male partner), they got a group chat and events planed, but he told her from the get go, to not include me and it lead to me being a time sucking tic basically to them (she has two partners in general).

I couldn't see her all holiday and even now on NYE, the only time we could speak was at like 1-2AM, so the others wouldn't accuse her of spending time with me "again".

I don't want to complicate her life, so I try to roll with it, but lately I feel taken for granted and I asked her for less time together, but more quality time, to which she replied with "I can't do that in a poly relationship and I can't spend more time with you" which I wasn't even remotely asking for, I feel like we spend too much time, but she wants that, she wants to talk to me and of course, I genuinely love her, so I want it, too, but not if I can't have her to myself at all. Clear 1 on 1 time.

So big picture, is what I'm asking wrong? I feel like it's a reasonable request, but it was met with the "invalidation" of her feelings.
I will speak to her after NYE and set some kind of boundaries and want to let her know, that I need some kind of hard limit, because we were very clear that there is no hierarchy in the relationship, she moved in with him to escape her family, so it isn't some kind of love declaration that he is a primary, which she told me and let me know, she also said the same to him, tho this makes me question it, because whenever we are on this topic, she seems hesitant to actually let him know that I am just as important and deserve privacy.

Sorry for the long text, just wanted to give as much information as possible.

Thank you for reading and I hope that people can let me know if I'm just plain wrong or anything like that.
 
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GalaGirl

Well-known member
I'm sorry you struggle.

Is this lady part of the previous V you posted about? Or a whole new lady/situation?

It would help if you gave people made up names. It's hard to read without.

I'm going to take the liberty of using generic colors. I'm happy to change to whatever you pick if you prefer something else. Let me repeat back what I understand in my own words. You correct me if I get it wrong, ok?

PEOPLE
  • You, Rail. (male)
  • The lady. Call her Red. (Female)
  • Her nesting partner, Blue. (Male)
  • Blue has other female partners and so does Red, but they are not directly relevant to this story other than they get different treatment than you do.

MODEL

  • The poly network has other branches, but this part of it is an MFM V poly arrangement where you are her LDR partner, and Blue is her live in partner

PROBLEMS

You had concerns when she moved in with Blue to escape her family. She said it wouldn't change anything, but it has.

Blue is setting a bunch of rules that basically would kill any outside relationships. (You say "boundaries", but to me Blue would set "personal boundaries" for HIMSELF to obey. Not for other people. This sounds like "rules.")
  • Who made him boss of all? Why's he set the rules? Rather than people coming to agreements?
  • Red did/did not agree to those rules?
  • You did/did not agree to those rules?
  • Is it that Blue wants a One Penis Policy without actually saying so out loud and seeks to edge you out?
Before the move, you had Wednesdays and weekends together with Red at (Your place? Her place? Both?)
  • Now that they share a home, she's not comfortable sharing sex with you if he's in the home. She doesn't want to talk about that and denies it when you bring it up.
  • You don't meet at your place to skip all the weird at her place because....?
He comes into her room without knocking, just slamming the door open
  • She is unable to set personal boundaries with him and tell him to stop doing that because...
  • She is unable to lock the door when she has guests or wants privacy because...
  • You are unable to tell her you don't want to put up with that barging in thing any more and prefer to meet at your place instead because...
You don't get the quality time you need with Red. When you bring that up she won't hear it, makes excuses, etc.
When you tell her how this makes you feel, she doesn't listen well. Instead she flips it around to make it be about her.
  • She is/is not willing to take personal responsibility for her choices/behaviors?
  • She is/is not willing to take turns on who gets to be heard?
  • She is/is not willing to work on her communication skills?
If that's more or less the case?

If it were me? I'd quit and bow out now. A few months in is enough for me to know if I want to keep going or not. I wouldn't want to.

If I'd rather do less time together in favor of more quality time when we DO make time? I'd have to align my behaviors toward that goal then.

I'd move on to a very separate V. I would not go over there any more and not deal with Blue. I'm not dating him. I'd set some strong personal boundaries with Red. I don't want to spend (me + Red) time talking about (her problems with her other partners.) She can deal with them over there on THEIR time. She brings it up? I say "No, thank you. I don't want to talk about your other partners. You can sort things out with them directly. Let's talk about something else."

If the only time she can spend with me over holidays is some 1 AM phone call? I'd say "Thanks, but no thanks." Because I have sleep to be doing at that hour. And I'm not interested being told in words that "I'm a priority" while in actions I'm just the BF to fit into "scraps of time." I prefer words and actions to match, and if they don't? I believe the actions because talk is cheap.

If she's gotten herself overextended with too many partners? That's not my doing or behavior. She has to sort that out, not me.

And if separate V with stronger personal boundaries doesn't improve anything? I'd bow out then.

I don't want to complicate her life, so I try to roll with it...

Even if "rolling with it" complicates YOUR life? And too much rolling with it leads to her taking you for granted?

lately I feel taken for granted and I asked her for less time together, but more quality time, to which she replied with "I can't do that in a poly relationship and I can't spend more time with you"

So she is not willing/able to spend more quality time with you.

I feel like we spend too much time, but she wants that, she wants to talk to me and of course, I genuinely love her, so I want it, too, but not if I can't have her to myself at all. Clear 1 on 1 time.

What does she want you to be? Her frequently available texting and talking chitchat buddy? Free therapist? To air out all her problems with other people, tell you they said this and that... but not spend actual quality time with you with the focus on (Red + you)?

And you prefer to not to spend so much time? Honor your own limit then. Stop doing so much chitchat stuff.

I hope that people can let me know if I'm just plain wrong or anything like that.

You are allowed to feel what you feel. You are not wrong to feel dissatisfied if this is not the kind of relationship you seek.

You are not wrong to bring up the things that concern you to your partner. How else would anything get solved?

I think it is a reasonable request for you to ask her to spend quality time with you. But if she's basically not willing to change anything about her behaviors? Could accept that this all that will you get here. That's all she can offer you.

If you want to stop being taken for granted? Could stop rolling with it and make firm decisions instead. Could change YOUR behaviors.

You could decide how long you want to spend trying to work something else out with her. Maybe a very separate V and stronger personal boundaries are needed so you hear less about the other people.

Or you could decide you want to be done with this and move on without bothering to try that.

Only you can do your soul searching and answer those kinds of things.

HTH!
Galagirl
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi Rail,

There is nothing wrong with asking her for more quality time, especially when you are also asking for a reduction in quantity of time. There's no reason why she couldn't accommodate your request.

She uses poly as an excuse for a lot of things. "It's poly. You can't do that in poly." Basically none of those excuses hold any water. There's a huge range of what you can do in poly, and of what poly looks like. You can definitely increase the amount of quality time you spend with any of your partners.

I hope you will not take this the wrong way, but it seems to me that she is not treating you well. She told you that moving in with her other boyfriend wouldn't change things much. Why would she say that if you knew it wasn't true? Hell, she even makes light of it now, when you have the proof that her other boyfriend is very jealous and controlling. That speaks poorly of him for sure, but it also speaks poorly of her.

What are the chances she could visit you at your place, rather than you visiting her at her place? because that is what needs to happen, if she is not willing to change her behavior where her other boyfriend is concerned, or even tell him to move out.

When she accuses you of invalidating her feelings, what feelings is she talking about? that she feels fine about her boyfriend's behavior? that she feels that she does not shoot down your intimate advances? something else?

I hope you can work things out with her.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

Rail

New member
I'm sorry you struggle.

Is this lady part of the previous V you posted about? Or a whole new lady/situation?

It would help if you gave people made up names. It's hard to read without.

I'm going to take the liberty of using generic colors. I'm happy to change to whatever you pick if you prefer something else. Let me repeat back what I understand in my own words. You correct me if I get it wrong, ok?

PEOPLE
  • You, Rail. (male)
  • The lady. Call her Red. (Female)
  • Her nesting partner, Blue. (Male)
  • Blue has other female partners and so does Red, but they are not directly relevant to this story other than they get different treatment than you do.

MODEL

  • The poly network has other branches, but this part of it is an MFM V poly arrangement where you are her LDR partner, and Blue is her live in partner

PROBLEMS

You had concerns when she moved in with Blue to escape her family. She said it wouldn't change anything, but it has.

Blue is setting a bunch of rules that basically would kill any outside relationships. (You say "boundaries", but to me Blue would set "personal boundaries" for HIMSELF to obey. Not for other people. This sounds like "rules.")
  • Who made him boss of all? Why's he set the rules? Rather than people coming to agreements?
  • Red did/did not agree to those rules?
  • You did/did not agree to those rules?
  • Is it that Blue wants a One Penis Policy without actually saying so out loud and seeks to edge you out?
Before the move, you had Wednesdays and weekends together with Red at (Your place? Her place? Both?)
  • Now that they share a home, she's not comfortable sharing sex with you if he's in the home. She doesn't want to talk about that either and denies it when you bring it up.
  • You don't meet at your place to skip all the weird at her place because....?
He comes into her room without knocking, just slamming the door open
  • She is unable to set personal boundaries with him and tell him to stop doing that because...
  • She is unable to lock the door when she has guests or wants privacy because...
  • You are unable to tell her you don't want to put up with that barging in thing any more and prefer to meet at your place instead because...
You don't get the quality time you need with Red. When you bring that up she won't hear it, makes excuses, etc.
When you tell her how this makes you feel, she doesn't listen well. Instead she flips it around to make it be about her.
  • She is/is not willing to take personal responsibility for her choices/behaviors?
  • She is/is not willing to take turns on who gets to be heard?
  • She is/is not willing to work on her communication skills?
If that's more or less the case?

If it were me? I'd quit and bow out now. A few months in is enough for me to know if I want to keep going or not. I wouldn't want to.

If I'd rather do less time together in favor of more quality time when we DO make time? I'd have to align my behaviors toward that goal then.

I'd move on to a very separate V. I would not go over there any more and not deal with Blue. I'm not dating him. I'd set some strong personal boundaries with Red. I don't want to spend (me + Red) time talking about (her problems with her other partners.) She can deal with them over there on THEIR time. She brings it up? I say "No, thank you. I don't want to talk about your other partners. You can sort things out with them directly. Let's talk about something else."

If the only time she can spend with me over holidays is some 1 AM phone call? I'd say "Thanks, but no thanks." Because I have sleep to be doing at that hour. And I'm not interested being told in words that "I'm a priority" while in actions I'm just the BF to fit into "scraps of time." I prefer words and actions to match, and if they don't? I believe the actions because talk is cheap.

If she's gotten herself overextended with too many partners? That's not my doing or behavior. She has to sort that out, not me.

And if separate V with stronger personal boundaries doesn't improve anything? I'd bow out then.



Even if "rolling with it" complicates YOUR life? And too much rolling with it leads to her taking you for granted?



So she is not willing/able to spend more quality time with you.



What she wants you for is to be her frequently available texting and talking buddy? Free therapist? To air out all her problems with other people, tell you they said this and that... but not spend actual quality time with you with the focus on (Red + you)?

And you prefer to not to spend so much time? Honor your own limit then. Stop doing so much chitchat stuff.



You are allowed to feel what you feel. You are not wrong to feel dissatisfied if this is not the kind of relationship you seek.

You are not wrong to bring up the things that concern you to your partner. How else would anything get solved?

I think it is a reasonable request for you to ask her to spend quality time with you. But if she's basically not willing to change anything about her behaviors? Could accept that this all that will you get here. That's all she can offer you.

If you want to stop being taken for granted? Could stop rolling with it and make firm decisions instead. Could change YOUR behaviors.

You could decide how long you want to spend trying to work something else out with her. Maybe a very separate V and stronger personal boundaries are needed so you hear less about the other people.

Or if you just want to be done with this and move on without bothering to try that.

Only you can answer that.

HTH!
Galagirl
Thank you for breaking it down like that, it looks very good!
I will try to answer in the same manner, as I like this very much.

This is the same women, from my pervious post, yes.

Problems:
  • Who made him boss of all? Why's he set the rules? Rather than people coming to agreements?
Blue is setting rules for her to obey.

We are in a DDLG relationship, he is against her expressing herself, so saying terms like "Daddy" towards me is not okay.
I told her that I am not okay with this, as he has no say in our relationship, she agreed, but is still hesitant to tell him.
So she is not "respecting" his rules, but also doesn't want to upset him.

He also wants that she and I don't do anything in their only bedroom, so he is basically asking for us to either go to a hotel or just lay on the floor(?), we both shot that one down rather quickly.

He is under the assumption, that he has some special right to decide and I don't know why.
He already stated to her, that he is insecure and basically every time she mentions a male person, he gets defensive.
Especially when it comes to me.
  • You did/did not agree to those rules?
Generally, I have no connection to him at all, he doesn't want to have anything to do with me, so I never had the chance to actually tell him about what I think of his "rules", but she clearly knows my stance.
  • Red did/did not agree to those rules?
She has also expressed some concerns, but she is incredibly hesitant, she doesn't want to upset him, but told me, she doesn't feel like it's right and basically is already just disregarding it all.

Before the move, you had Wednesdays and weekends together with Red at (Your place? Her place? Both?)

Before the move we had a working agreement, that I would spend weekdays with her, as she is studying and working, and I'm working less during the week, so she had the weekend with him and this worked out well.
After the move it turned into Wednesdays and some Weekends.
  • Now that they share a home, she's not comfortable sharing sex with you if he's in the home. She doesn't want to talk about that and denies it when you bring it up.
Exactly, even right now, for NYE she is with her two other partners and they both had engaged with each other, but she declined, when I spoke to her, I tried to initiate something and her only reply was "I don't want to risk upsetting them", which got to me, both of them just decided to have their own special moment, why can't we?
 

Rail

New member
  • You don't meet at your place to skip all the weird at her place because....?
It is a LDR and because of Covid, of our interactions are purely online right now.
  • She is unable to set personal boundaries with him and tell him to stop doing that because...

I genuinely don't know, she won't answer, when I mentioned it, it was during the conversation where she said I'm invalidating her feelings.
  • She is unable to lock the door when she has guests or wants privacy because...
She just doesn't, we also have to be rather quiet, because often he just happens to be in the hall or close to her door, to the point, where if she went to get a drink or something, she nearly had a heart attack, because he was right there, but she won't acknowledge that he is spying.
  • You are unable to tell her you don't want to put up with that barging in thing any more and prefer to meet at your place instead because...
Again, the conversation with her feelings. I will bring it up next time, once she returns home. This whole post was to see, if my request is reasonable or not.
  • She is/is not willing to take personal responsibility for her choices/behaviors?
She generally has issues with this, I know that, often she will try to change the topic in her favour, I notice this a lot and whenever it doesn't work, then she starts to apologise for her behaviour.
  • She is/is not willing to take turns on who gets to be heard?
To be fair, she does listen, but everything comes second once it's about her emotions and feelings.
  • She is/is not willing to work on her communication skills?
She has great communication skills, as long as it's not something that can cause issues for herself.
So I do believe this something she does subconscious. I don't think she does this intentional, which is why I want to try and find a way, to be as caring as possible, but without undermining my actual point.
Thank you very much for your honesty on the last part, it's greatly appreciated.
I know that I am a great sucker for trying to make things work, I don't usually like anyone, so when I do meet someone,
who interests me, I try everything to make it work and well, it leaves me open.

I will put everything in this talk, if she actually sees my point and works with me, great.
If she doesn't then I already made up my mind.
Again, I can't thank you enough, if I should need help again, I will keep your post in mind!
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
If she moved in with him to escape her family, there's only one bedroom, she hesitates to stand up for herself when he cross a line...

Is it possible that he's paying all or most of her bills and she's his dependent now? You might not actually know. I know it's a guess, and I might guess totally wrong. But maybe that's one reason she hesitates to put her foot down on some of the off putting behaviors that he does. She doesn't want him to tell her to move back out again. And then she has to go back to the family because she doesn't have the resources to set herself up in a flat of her own, or with a neutral friend/roomie (NOT someone she's dating.)

Not an excuse for how she behaves towards you, but it might explain why she doesn't want to rock the boat with him or any of her other partners and why she hems and haws when you bring up concerns that might require her to be more assertive about her personal boundaries. If she has difficulty standing up for her own self, I'm not sure how she can stand up for your shared relationship.

But then because you are the most willing to roll with things, and complain less? You end up getting the short end of the stick the most. For HER, the relationship with you might feel like "oasis" from all the stress, but for YOU, it might feel like "Meh. Doing a lot of emotional labor, but not really getting what I need here." Again, I could be wrong in my guess there.

Generally, I have no connection to him at all, he doesn't want to have anything to do with me, so I never had the chance to actually tell him about what I think of his "rules", but she clearly knows my stance.

You don't pick him out to date. So you could choose to not deal with him at all. Could expect her manage her stuff with him over there on the (Red + Blue) dyad.

You pick HER out to date. Could solve your things with her over here on the (Red + You) dyad.

Exactly, even right now, for NYE she is with her two other partners and they both had engaged with each other, but she declined, when I spoke to her, I tried to initiate something and her only reply was "I don't want to risk upsetting them", which got to me, both of them just decided to have their own special moment, why can't we?

Does she have trouble asserting herself with "I statements" and saying it plain like "I don't feel comfortable sharing sex with you with other people around." So she frames it around others like "I don't want to upset the other people" instead? Like she hesitates to "take up her own space?"

However it is she says it... it sounds like she is not comfortable sharing any kind of sex with you when there's other people around in the space. Not Blue. Not her female partners.

Could accept that, and stop pressing her on it. Instead could focus on creating time/space where you and Red can be ALONE alone, and then perhaps she can become more comfortable sharing sex then.

I will put everything in this talk, if she actually sees my point and works with me, great.
If she doesn't then I already made up my mind.

Fair enough. It is reasonable to bring up concerns with a partner.

If conversations with her tend to get sidetrack with a lot of "feelings" stuff... how about you just state things plainer? And DON'T explain?

  • You could tell her the current schedule doesn't work for you. You'd like to try something new.
    • You want to try online or phone chitchat dates on Wed for the next X months.
    • You would like to try alternate weekends or every third weekend where she can come be at your place. Since it is more spread out, maybe you both can arrange it to be a 3 day weekend.
  • Could that work for her? Does she have other calendar ideas?
Then you are addressing your unmet needs directly without anything "feelings" trigger-y for her (hopefully)
You aren't dealing with odd Blue behavior because you aren't even over there.
Or doing SO much chitchat time which you said want to reduce.
Or deal with "other people" being around inhibiting sex.

YOU know this. But you don't have to explain all this to her. Esp not if it's going to bring up feelings and side track the conversation. You simply state what you would like to try.

If she is willing to try and can be more present with you that way? Both have less stress? Great.

If she's unwilling to try those changes? Let it go.

Galagirl
 
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Marcus

Well-known member
So big picture, is what I'm asking wrong? I feel like it's a reasonable request, but it was met with the "invalidation" of her feelings.

This is the wrong question. It doesn't matter if what you are requesting is right or wrong, what matters is does this fit within your description of a desirable and healthy relationship?

  • You are clearly stating that you are not cool with this set up.
  • She is clearly stating that this is the setup, and your complaints are not welcome.

It's clear there is an incompatibility, so now the question comes down to what you are going to do about it, based on what you want out of a relationship.

  • Suck it up and stop complaining about it. This is the new reality.
    OR
  • Move on.

Personally it sounds like a power play and I'm not interested in that sort of nonsense. I'd find someone who has compatible values and stop wasting time on these people.
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member
My two cents: She actually wants to dump you but doesn't have the gumption to do it herself. So she's hiding behind ridiculous excuses for not spending time with you in the hopes you'll give up and dump her.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
I am not sure I understand, but it sounds like your female friend has a live-in bf and also has online-only relationships with several women, and yet another online relationship with you. When you say you are "with" her, do you mean you are texting or Facetiming her? Likewise, she's just got chats going on with her female friends, either singly or in a group? If that is the case, it sounds like she's chatting online with any one of her long distance "lovers," when her live-in bf comes barging in to their shared bedroom, sometimes finding her involved in self-pleasuring while chatting with someone. Is this correct?

Not to be gross, but it sounds like he might enjoy when she is chatting with her female friends and getting sexed up. That's a turn-on for him. He might even consider those women to be "fluffers" for him. But he wants a one penis policy (OPP) and so he finds you to be a turn off for him, a threat, and tries to prevent her from having sexy time online with you.

Long distance relationships are hard and frustrating (to me, at least). I don't recommend them unless the distance is temporary and the in-person get togethers are fairly frequent, uncomplicated and satisfying. But I really need touch in a relationship. It's just not worth it to me to do permanent long distance relationships. I look for lovers nearer to home, preferably within a 25 minute or less drive.
 

Inaniel

Active member
I agree that she is not that into you…

She walked onto the relationship escalator with Blue when she moved in with him (regardless of whatever “excuse” for the cohabitation trickled down to you).

She is prioritizing him over you in every way conceivable. Blue is not the problem, the problem is she just isn't into you. Maybe Blue is controlling, wants an OPP ect. And that’s not great behavior.. But the problem for you is that she is slowly choosing that life over you.

The problem with staying in this situation is that your mental health is spiraling. It’s causing you stress. The only thing you can affect is your own participation.

If she wants emotional support and no intimacy, and that makes you miserable? Stop consenting to misery. This is recipe to end the dynamic on bad terms.

I would rather de-prioritize the relationships on good terms. Eliminate your stress and get on with your life. There’s a chance she realizes Blue is BS and moves out, maybe she ends up living in your city. Who knows, maybe you reconnect in the future in a situation that works better; de-tangling on good terms allows you to respect yourself in the present while staying open to the relationship re-igniting at some time in the future if things change.
 
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