Hello,
I made a post a few months ago and got mostly great feedback, so I wanted to see if I can share how I feel and get some outside help on weather what I am feeling is just me being too demanding or if it is reasonable.
So to keep it short, I'm in a relationship with a women, who was already in another and while everything was great other than a few minor hiccups,
she moved in with her other partner and I was already on edge because of it, she told me countless times, that it won't change much and while I didn't believe it,
for her sake I dropped that topic.
Now after a few months it has come to the point, where he set a bunch of boundaries, that in general would kill any relationship that would be possible, especially given that ours is LDR.
We are at a point, where due to Covid he is always home and we used to have Wednesday to just ourselves and sometimes the weekend (whenever I try to initiate something intimate while he is home, she shoots it down and I brought this up to her and was met with denial)
But the situation went even further, to the point where he comes into her room without knocking, just slamming the door open and that is bothering me, because this has been going on for a good while now and no matter how much I try to tell her how I feel, she tells me about her feelings and how I try to invalidate her feelings.
While I generally try to keep it low profile as much as possible, it's really getting on my nerves, that I can't have my girlfriend to myself for basically anytime.
It has come down to me praying, that he goes away for the weekend to be with his other partner and quite frankly, I don't think that is fair on me, but while I am a person that prefers to be direct (She didn't take it very well and it caused a big fight) I tried to be more emotional and it ended with the feelings being "invalidated".
So I am at a loss, how to bring this up to her, either way it feels like, she puts her own feelings above mine at all times and just because I am more of a toughen it out person, she disregards my feelings, until I am generally in a sad mood the entire day.
On top of that, she has other partners and I'm of course fine with that and I even promote her spending time with them, but I asked her on topic of the above mentioned problem, to have some actual "us time" and she said that doesn't work in a poly relationship, but to me that is a very weak excuse, her RL partner gets just that and even barges in when we are clearly in a conversation or literally anything, without a care in the world, but when it comes to me, he clearly tells her, that I am not invited in any way.
Her other partners are also intertwined (Im the only other male partner), they got a group chat and events planed, but he told her from the get go, to not include me and it lead to me being a time sucking tic basically to them (she has two partners in general).
I couldn't see her all holiday and even now on NYE, the only time we could speak was at like 1-2AM, so the others wouldn't accuse her of spending time with me "again".
I don't want to complicate her life, so I try to roll with it, but lately I feel taken for granted and I asked her for less time together, but more quality time, to which she replied with "I can't do that in a poly relationship and I can't spend more time with you" which I wasn't even remotely asking for, I feel like we spend too much time, but she wants that, she wants to talk to me and of course, I genuinely love her, so I want it, too, but not if I can't have her to myself at all. Clear 1 on 1 time.
So big picture, is what I'm asking wrong? I feel like it's a reasonable request, but it was met with the "invalidation" of her feelings.
I will speak to her after NYE and set some kind of boundaries and want to let her know, that I need some kind of hard limit, because we were very clear that there is no hierarchy in the relationship, she moved in with him to escape her family, so it isn't some kind of love declaration that he is a primary, which she told me and let me know, she also said the same to him, tho this makes me question it, because whenever we are on this topic, she seems hesitant to actually let him know that I am just as important and deserve privacy.
Sorry for the long text, just wanted to give as much information as possible.
Thank you for reading and I hope that people can let me know if I'm just plain wrong or anything like that.
I made a post a few months ago and got mostly great feedback, so I wanted to see if I can share how I feel and get some outside help on weather what I am feeling is just me being too demanding or if it is reasonable.
So to keep it short, I'm in a relationship with a women, who was already in another and while everything was great other than a few minor hiccups,
she moved in with her other partner and I was already on edge because of it, she told me countless times, that it won't change much and while I didn't believe it,
for her sake I dropped that topic.
Now after a few months it has come to the point, where he set a bunch of boundaries, that in general would kill any relationship that would be possible, especially given that ours is LDR.
We are at a point, where due to Covid he is always home and we used to have Wednesday to just ourselves and sometimes the weekend (whenever I try to initiate something intimate while he is home, she shoots it down and I brought this up to her and was met with denial)
But the situation went even further, to the point where he comes into her room without knocking, just slamming the door open and that is bothering me, because this has been going on for a good while now and no matter how much I try to tell her how I feel, she tells me about her feelings and how I try to invalidate her feelings.
While I generally try to keep it low profile as much as possible, it's really getting on my nerves, that I can't have my girlfriend to myself for basically anytime.
It has come down to me praying, that he goes away for the weekend to be with his other partner and quite frankly, I don't think that is fair on me, but while I am a person that prefers to be direct (She didn't take it very well and it caused a big fight) I tried to be more emotional and it ended with the feelings being "invalidated".
So I am at a loss, how to bring this up to her, either way it feels like, she puts her own feelings above mine at all times and just because I am more of a toughen it out person, she disregards my feelings, until I am generally in a sad mood the entire day.
On top of that, she has other partners and I'm of course fine with that and I even promote her spending time with them, but I asked her on topic of the above mentioned problem, to have some actual "us time" and she said that doesn't work in a poly relationship, but to me that is a very weak excuse, her RL partner gets just that and even barges in when we are clearly in a conversation or literally anything, without a care in the world, but when it comes to me, he clearly tells her, that I am not invited in any way.
Her other partners are also intertwined (Im the only other male partner), they got a group chat and events planed, but he told her from the get go, to not include me and it lead to me being a time sucking tic basically to them (she has two partners in general).
I couldn't see her all holiday and even now on NYE, the only time we could speak was at like 1-2AM, so the others wouldn't accuse her of spending time with me "again".
I don't want to complicate her life, so I try to roll with it, but lately I feel taken for granted and I asked her for less time together, but more quality time, to which she replied with "I can't do that in a poly relationship and I can't spend more time with you" which I wasn't even remotely asking for, I feel like we spend too much time, but she wants that, she wants to talk to me and of course, I genuinely love her, so I want it, too, but not if I can't have her to myself at all. Clear 1 on 1 time.
So big picture, is what I'm asking wrong? I feel like it's a reasonable request, but it was met with the "invalidation" of her feelings.
I will speak to her after NYE and set some kind of boundaries and want to let her know, that I need some kind of hard limit, because we were very clear that there is no hierarchy in the relationship, she moved in with him to escape her family, so it isn't some kind of love declaration that he is a primary, which she told me and let me know, she also said the same to him, tho this makes me question it, because whenever we are on this topic, she seems hesitant to actually let him know that I am just as important and deserve privacy.
Sorry for the long text, just wanted to give as much information as possible.
Thank you for reading and I hope that people can let me know if I'm just plain wrong or anything like that.
Last edited: