Now I’m really confused

Cas78

New member
Hi everyone,
Cas78 here in need of more advice for the ongoing saga that is my open relationship. If you recall, my BF vacillates between loving and liking me...and had a new GF he wanted to take on vacation, etc. As of Monday, he says they’ve decided to break up because she is monogamous and doesn’t want him to date anyone else, including me. He obsviously isn’t interested in doing this, but admitted he will miss her as he’s developed “feelings” for her. At this point in our conversation I became very upset, packed up my things and said I wanted to leave. He calmed me down and asked me why I was so upset. I explained that I needed more than for him to simply like me (after 2 years of dating). I felt very emotionally insecure in our relationship and didn’t trust him to close the door on me at any moment. He then admitted that he did actually love me and didn’t want to break up. He shows his love through actions and I admitted that he does make me feel loved by all the things he does for me (which is a lot and amazing). This is where things get sticky, at the end of our conversation he says that he doesn’t think dating other people is such a good idea as it’s hard on me and doesn’t allow us to really focus on our relationship...and that he wants to be non monogamous together (something I’ve wanted all along truth be told). I am shocked that these words came out of his mouth and don’t know if I should be happy because this is what I want too or terrified because he can at any moment run back to his vanilla GF. And in the meantime, while he was busy getting to know her, I (by his encouragement), found another BF who I very much like and don’t want to end things with. So what to do now. Advice please!!!
 
Since he just broke up with his other gf, he might be crazy-talking right here. If I were you, I'd say it's too soon to make any monogamy promises right now. Continue on as you have been with your OSO. Bf needs to deal with some grief. He might want to feel more secure right now, so is asking to Close your relationship.

Just make your boundaries secure. It's not up to you to manage his sadness over his other breakup by changing your behavior. It's his job to deal with his own emotions.
 
Hiya Cas, I'm very new around here, so I don't know all the ongoing saga.
Was he really asking you to close off your relationship with other BF? That would seem unreasonable to me.
If he wants to be non-monogamous together with you, does that mean he is open to developing a relationship with your other BF? That would then qualify as you being non-monogamous together, right?
 
Since he just broke up with his other gf, he might be crazy-talking right here. If I were you, I'd say it's too soon to make any monogamy promises right now. Continue on as you have been with your OSO. Bf needs to deal with some grief. He might want to feel more secure right now, so is asking to Close your relationship.

Just make your boundaries secure. It's not up to you to manage his sadness over his other breakup by changing your behavior. It's his job to deal with his own emotions.
Yes, good point about him needing to own his feelings...
 
N
Hiya Cas, I'm very new around here, so I don't know all the ongoing saga.
Was he really asking you to close off your relationship with other BF? That would seem unreasonable to me.
If he wants to be non-monogamous together with you, does that mean he is open to developing a relationship with your other BF? That would then qualify as you being non-monogamous together, right?
No, he’s not asking me to be monogamous and end things with my other BF. Rather, he’s concerned about all the time apart we’re spending with our others. That it’s causing issues for our relationship...and because he’s developed feelings for someone who he can’t happily be with because she’s asking him to change who he is...
 
N

No, he’s not asking me to be monogamous and end things with my other BF. Rather, he’s concerned about all the time apart we’re spending with our others. That it’s causing issues for our relationship...and because he’s developed feelings for someone who he can’t happily be with because she’s asking him to change who he is...
I see. That's good.
I'm not sure I see the problem. He's suggesting you both work on non-monogamy together, which is something you wanted anyways. And he doesn't sound like he's got any unfair expectations that you ditch your other BF or anything. So.. Seems like it's all good news, no?
 
I see. That's good.
I'm not sure I see the problem. He's suggesting you both work on non-monogamy together, which is something you wanted anyways. And he doesn't sound like he's got any unfair expectations that you ditch your other BF or anything. So.. Seems like it's all good news, no?
Yes, it’s good news. But if history repeats itself, he’ll change his mind in a couple days and decide he doesn’t really want to break things off with his other GF and does want to continue dating separately. This is his wish toy washy nature and it’s so hard to read him and know what to expect.
 
Yes, it’s good news. But if history repeats itself, he’ll change his mind in a couple days and decide he doesn’t really want to break things off with his other GF and does want to continue dating separately. This is his wish toy washy nature and it’s so hard to read him and know what to expect.

Ahh, I guess that's where I was lacking the history of things.
idk if this will help but here goes...

Sometimes my wife will flip-flop on various topics. Essentially, it happens when her logical mind thinks one thing, but a few days later, her emotional mind thinks the opposite.
Seems to me the only way to get through that is to talk it out (ad nauseum usually) until they can get their emotions and logic in sync with each other. I'd suggest when doing so that you try not to get upset yourself, as hard as that might be.
Tell him what you want/need too. And spend the time necessary for you and him to have a plan that works for you both going forward.

So I guess for now, it all seems good. But you might want to be prepared for a serious conversation if he does decide he's going repeat history in a few days.
 
if history repeats itself,
4 very weighted words. How often has history repeats itself? When do things move from a 1 off to the normal?

So really this is all about trust. Trust in yourself. Trust in him. Being apart is a natural part of poly but negotiations needs is too. If your polycule/partners needs align with yours then you are golden. But if he needs more quality/time then you can give or vis vera for the needs of the relationship, it might be worth considering another relationship dynamic.
 
Ahh, I guess that's where I was lacking the history of things.
idk if this will help but here goes...

Sometimes my wife will flip-flop on various topics. Essentially, it happens when her logical mind thinks one thing, but a few days later, her emotional mind thinks the opposite.
Seems to me the only way to get through that is to talk it out (ad nauseum usually) until they can get their emotions and logic in sync with each other. I'd suggest when doing so that you try not to get upset yourself, as hard as that might be.
Tell him what you want/need too. And spend the time necessary for you and him to have a plan that works for you both going forward.

So I guess for now, it all seems good. But you might want to be prepared for a serious conversation if he does decide he's going repeat history in a few days.
Very sound advice. My trouble is that I get so upset so quickly, especially when I hear the words “feelings” and “new girlfriend” in the same sentence. I go from 0 to 100 in 2 seconds...and then que the tears. A little backstory, my ex-husband left me for our mutual poly girlfriend. They both planned it behind my back and told me the day after our 10 year anniversary (my husband and I) that they were leaving me for eachother. So, a lot of past trauma definitely plays a role today. I love the lifestyle and do not desire vanilla, but a separate full blown relationship from my primary is a tough pill to swallow...
 
Yes, it’s good news. But if history repeats itself, he’ll change his mind in a couple days and decide he doesn’t really want to break things off with his other GF and does want to continue dating separately. This is his wish toy washy nature and it’s so hard to read him and know what to expect.

I mean all this kindly, ok?

I will respectfully disagree. From all your past posts about this ongoing saga?


You CAN expect him to be all up and down wishy washy. You CAN expect him to keep on pushing your trauma buttons.

Same old song, different day. Round and round on this merry-go-round for two years.

If you want to really be done with all that? Leave. You were already leaving.

LONG VERSION

At this point in our conversation I became very upset, packed up my things and said I wanted to leave.

Could finish leaving then.

You found a new BF you like even though in March you thought that was going to be hard. Turned out not to be so hard. It's barely May. Go do non-vanilla things with him so YOUR new poly life can be more peaceful.

Of course you feel confused. You were about to leave and break up once and for all with Mr Wishy Washy. Then he starts blowing smoke saying all the pretty words you so longed to hear before.

Fake roses.

Or at least... that what I suspect. Did you notice they all came out because the threat of your departure was very real right then? I think he was saying whatever trying to get you to stay. And his ACTUAL follow thru history is what? Pfft.

Be your OWN primary, learn to trust YOU more. Rather than feeling all nervous that people will do ugh things like your ex husband did, or Mr Wishy Washy sometimes does. Could try to stop worrying that you will be blindsided or hurt or something. Could get help for trauma healing.

Could be super picky about the company you keep. Could focus your energy on the solutions IF something doom happens. More like "I can cope with things in my life and decide who I hang out with" and less "Oh no! What will happen next?!" in vibe.

Make up your mind that you cannot control other people's behavior. But you CAN control YOURS. You CAN pick who you hand around with.

If the people you pick start pushing your buttons? They can't work it out with you? Keep being annoying you? One solution you can employ is showing them the door. You don't have to be putting up with weird. You STOP hanging around with them.

Step into your own power.

That's what I would do.

Mr Wishy Washy

I could be wrong here, but mostly he sounds like a dead end who requires a lot of attention from many "attention faucets." He and his ex wife broke up over his philandering, right?

I would have loooong been tired of Mr. Wishy Washy. It's been 2 years here and while he sometimes does nice stuff, you don't feel esp emotionally secure with him. Is that a fun way to poly for you?

And at the end of the day? After a period of poly-ing he plans to go back to his ex-wife and mend things with his adult children.
So his life vision just does not line up with what YOU want to be doing in your poly life.

If he was a placeholder til you found a new person? Move on. You found a new person.

"He does some nice stuff sometimes" is not enough to put up with all this wishy washy weird. You seem to want someone more poly SOLID than that.

Plus, he doesn't give people what they want. Could not give his ex wife what she wanted. He was a philanderer. They broke up.

His other GF? Wanted monogamy. He played that out getting her attention faucet for a while. Now that faucet dried up.

You want something more poly solid, which you know isn't happening since he plans to go back to his ex wife. And confirmation that he loves you, not just likes you. What happens?

You are about to leave. Another faucet drying up. THEN he says he actually does love you to stop you leaving so he's not left with no attention faucets.

Did you notice that?

I think he kinda expected you to be at home waiting on him with all your attention "to comfort him in his break up hour of need" since you weren't dating anyone else before. But now you ARE seeing someone new so he WON'T have all your attention.

So now he suddenly wants to "work on strengthening our relationship" when he wouldn't do it all the times you would bring it up?

Is that just blowing more smoke to stop you from leaving? I'd be SUPER leery.

You seem tired of all this. Could rip off the bandaid and finally be done.

Could end it and give yourself permission to enjoy the unfolding dating process with new BF with no more drama from Mr Wishy Washy. And new guy is not compatible? You have the power to end it with new guy too!

I encourage you to be more assertive about creating the post-divorce life YOU want to be living.

Raise the bar on your personal standards and stop rolling with weird or shaky or unstable. Create your own stability.

Finish leaving. Be firm, ignore, cut off contact. BE DONE. Get off this wishy washy merry-go-round thing with him.

Could not repeat YOUR history with him... constantly experiencing disappointments but still putting up with the weird and not feeling emotionally secure here.

If after 2 years here you don't get enough return on your investment? If you don't want to be doing poly like that? It's ok to cut your losses, stop investing, and move on.

Again, I could be wrong but you do your own reflecting.

You wanted to leave for a real reason.

Galagirl
 
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Hi Cas,

It sounds like Mr. Wishy Washy wants you to spend more time with him, while he grieves over the loss of his recent girlfriend. Although he is framing that as, "We need to spend time working on our relationship," and, "We need to work on us." I can appreciate that he is feeling extra lonely at this time without his other girlfriend, and maybe that is making him feel extra desperate. I do think it's disingenuous of him to not say, "I want you to spend more time with me, while I recover," and, "I don't want you to leave me, what can I say to get you to stay."

He has said to you before that he supposedly loves you, hasn't he? You need a man who loves you, but this man only loves you part of the time -- the part that suits his wants and needs. Is that really what you want?

I think you are going to trust him, and try to work on your relationship with him as much as possible. That's fine for now, just consider what you should do if there should come yet another time when he gets a new girlfriend, and says to you, "I like you, and I have feelings."

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
Kevin nailed it!
 
You've stated that you feel insecure about dating separately because it worries you that he'll leave you for his other partner, and because of that you prefer to date together. But you have actually experienced how dating together doesn't actually guarantee that your partner will never leave you for someone else. So you're seeking out a particular dynamic due to thinking that it will give you a false sense of security. I'd strongly recommend some therapy to help you deal with you past trauma around being broken up with and figuring out what you need in order to build trust with new partners.

It ALSO sounds like your partner needs to do his own work on being wishy washy, as that tends to be a trigger point for your insecurity (and rightly so!). I definitely would not just break up with your other BF just because original BF ended things with his GF. That's not a good way to treat someone you care about. Let partner work through his grief, like others have said. But you could work together to discuss what sorts of things might help make you feel more secure. Maybe scheduling more intentional date time, while still respecting individual time. Maybe it's both of you making a more concrete effort to show your love for each other in the love language that your partner appreciates the most.
 
Update, I did the hardest thing and broke up with him. He went on one last date with the other GF, which I was okay with. Before he left to meet her, he said I had no reason to be nervous or feel insecure. It was over with her and we can focus on us. We also chatted about the number of summer trips we're planning and how to get ready for them. All was well, normal. and happy. He even let me move some of my stuff into his apartment so I didn't have to lug a suitcase back and forth all the time. Progress!...until he got home from his break up date with his other. In the space of 24 hours he had a grand revelation that he shouldn't be with anyone as he's unable to commit or really love another person. He also brought up his ex wife AGAIN and said he doesn't understand why he still feels married to her after being apart for 4 years. He needs time and space from everyone to figure out what he wants the rest of his life to look like...but then he said he wasn't breaking up with me, I'm a wonderful girlfriend and he wants me around, but that he needs time apart. Oh, hell no Dude! I'm not going to sit and wait for you to call me back when you're ready. Doesn't work like that. So I packed up all my stuff I JUST brought to his place, gave him back his keys, and left. DONE. STORY OVER. and I'm so so so devastated...again :(
 
I'm both sorry to hear that but also happy for you.
It sounds like you did the right thing to me, even though I can imagine it must hurt.
He seriously sounds like he's got some self issues to resolve before he has relationships with anyone.

Now, after you heal, you can move forward and find someone(s) that are better for you. :)
 
I'm glad you're moving on, and I hope you find someone wonderful.
 
That sucks and sorry for your loss. Remember to be patient with yourself during this time and treat yourself to some TLC
 
Hey any one like to tell me something. I want to hear. I did not get any response since I have joined this group online.
 
Sounds like you did the right thing for YOU so you don't have to keep riding the merry-go-round only to be devastated yet again. He's just too up and downy wishy washy.

Just like you said...

Oh, hell no Dude! I'm not going to sit and wait for you to call me back when you're ready. Doesn't work like that. So I packed up all my stuff I JUST brought to his place, gave him back his keys, and left. DONE. STORY OVER

Let it be over once and for all!

I wish you peace and healing during this post break up time.

Be leery of him trying to wiggle his way back. Just no contact at all. DONE.

Galagirl
 
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