Obviously new with questions

M

Maouta

New member
Hello. I’m a married man and I have a poly friend. Here is the issue. My wife is physically, emotionally and mentally unavailable. We do not have intelligent conversation - she cannot comprehend. When I try to express my emotions again, she cannot understand. It seems like the only thing involved with this marriage anymore is the ring and our last name. I love my wife and i wouldn’t feel right if i left her. She is multiple handicapped and i need to care for her. I love my friend. My friend is loving, caring, understanding, and fill my needs.
Is this relationship OK?
 
When you say "friend" do you mean a friend in the platonic sense, or are you using a euphemism?
 
Polyamory has the expectation that everyone in the relationship structure knows about everyone else and their role. So if your wife doesn't know about your friend, no, it's not okay. If you wife knows about your friend, but is under the impression that it is purely platonic and yet it isn't, no, it's not okay.

In saying that, I am guessing that your friend helps you with the inner strength you need to care for your multi handicapped wife. As you have not mentioned what these handicaps are, perhaps if they include cognitive and/or emotional impairment then your wife may not be able to understand your friendship/extramarital relationship. Only *you* can really grasp the nuances of your situation, the impact that having multiple loving relationships will have on each of the people involved. If you provide a few more details, we do have some people on this forum who are very good at unpacking the various aspects and giving ideas for your consideration. I'd encourage you to be a little more forthcoming with information if you want elaborate feedback.

All the best
Evie
 
Wow. Thanks for the great response.
My friend and I have had sex. Then we stopped due to this issue. And, my friend is a great comfort to me in dealing with these issues - and others. We want to get input.
My wife does have cognitive issues. Meaning that she is, most times, not aware of her environment and has horrible short term memory and has issues with long term memory.
Hopefully this will help. But, anything else I can provide that will help with needed input is offered.
 
With that level of cognitive impairment, you may be the one in a million who the statement, "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" might actually ethically apply to.
 
Greetings Maouta,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I sympathize with your situation, my wife had Alzheimer's and it was next to impossible to explain polyamory to her, let alone have her remember. After a few tries, I decided to let her be blissfully ignorant. I think the type of situation you're in is similar. Your relationship with your poly friend is okay. Just do the best you can with your wife. She cannot help her condition; you cannot help that you love your poly friend.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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Welcome aboard!
 
Evie said:
With that level of cognitive impairment, you may be the one in a million who the statement, "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" might actually ethically apply to.
Click to expand...


I agree with this assessment 1,000%, including the part about how rare such an exception is.
 
My father has Alzheimer. Since the dx? I told my mom that "Old Dad" was gone. Here was this new "Patient Dad." And over the years the disease has gotten worse. He will one day get to a point where he does not know how I am. He confuses me a lot with old me, like teenager me, not middle aged woman me. He "time travels" not knowing what decade this is.

My wife does have cognitive issues. Meaning that she is, most times, not aware of her environment and has horrible short term memory and has issues with long term memory.
Click to expand...

If your wife is no longer "fully here" -- then I think you could care for her. But accept this is no longer a two-way street relationship. It is a patient-caregiver relationship, one way street. Where you give, and she cannot give back like before due to her conditions.

Evie said:
With that level of cognitive impairment, you may be the one in a million who the statement, "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" might actually ethically apply to.
Click to expand...

I also agree with Evie. I think you could be ok with having another partner who IS present and CAN be a two-way street relationship.

Though you and your other partner may want to get support. This space you both occupy is not an easy one.

Galagirl
 
Thank you, Emm, Evie, Kevin, River and GalaGirl for your responses. I am so greatful for the wisdom and expirences shared here. And thank you for welcoming me.
 
I was in a long distance relationship with a guy when I was newly poly, who had a mentally ill wife who could do no work, no housework, could barely take care of her grooming... no sex, no real marital relationship. No normal emotional relating.

I was in a grey area, but I felt bad for him, compassionate, since he'd had no affection, much less sex, for several years.

So we texted a lot, shared affection, fantasies, day to day news, histories, a bit of mild cyber sex. He was such a sweet guy. We met 3 or 4 times, had nice dates and sex. I liked him. He loved me, I was a lifeline for him. He also had a somewhat less mentally ill teen son at the time I was seeing him, who was also a huge challenge.

He was afraid to ask his wife to open the relationship, afraid she'd get more ill from that request. But he finally felt too guilty carrying on with me, and broke off.

A year or so later, he messaged me to say he had taken the bull by the horns, asked his wife to Open, she was rather blase about it, said yes, and he was now free to have other romantic sexual relationships. He asked if I was still interested. I wasn't actually, at that time, interested. I'd moved on. But he messaged from time to time and I was glad to hear he was dating some other poly people.

So, that's just my experience from the other side.
 
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