One Penis Size Policy

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OK, it's one thing to be uninterested or turned off by BDSM - that's perfectly fine and probably more people are than not. However, calling it degrading and stupid... well, let's just say that idea is pretty offensive to many members of this board, myself included.

Going to second that. As a long time lurker, JamyJam, you might have noticed that an awful of the regular commenters have some kind of BDSM in their lives. There's a lot more to it than what you might have seen/read in popular media/movies or on porn sites.

As for people and activities you and your partner want to make "off limits" - it's certainly worth making that list up front. You'll also want to be sure to communicate activity no-nos to potential dating partners very quickly. Maybe even pop something tactful on any dating profile you might create - right next to the length and girth measurements that any potential suitor must be less than... :D
 
So much to report, so we have been talking and in some ways I think we have made progress.

My boyfriend says he doesn’t want a strong headed alpha coming into my life stirring up competition and emasculating him. My boyfriend is basically the opposite of that and if he were in that situation and the man had a bigger penis it would be too much to handle.

I tried asking him how he felt about not disclosing penis size and he said that is fine and he trusts me to respect our agreement. And I am totally trustworthy too, so for everyone who said lie about it, I just wouldn’t feel right and it’s not who I am or who we are as a couple. As you can tell we are very open and honest with each other.

The conversation took a turn after my boyfriend asked me a question. He asked me if there was anyone that I wouldn’t want him to have sex with... I had to be honest and say yes, for me, it would be his ex-girlfriends, particularly his most recent ex. She really rubs me the wrong way and I seriously question her ethics and I would not support her influence on him.

We went on to talk about what behaviors would make one another too uncomfortable and BDSM was brought up. He wouldn’t be comfortable with me performing BDSM with anyone. Which is fine, BDSM is degrading and stupid and I guess I wouldn’t be able to feel the same way about him if he participated in that either.

Part of me feels like we are reaching a new level of vulnerability in the relationship and it makes me happy how deeply we are getting to know one another.

I’m really conflicted. I know couples define rules when opening up relationships, and I have read about veto power too which is basically what we are considering. I want to have an open mind and recognize my boyfriends limitations are no better or worse than someone else’s, just uniquely his own.

If screening can be as simple as a line item on my online profile, as one of you said, it wouldn’t be hard to do it, as stupid as it is. I really don’t care about penis size, it isn’t why I am interested in having an open relationship.

When I step back and look at my situation, I have a supportive man that fights to understand me, and effortlessly agrees to adhere to my boundaries and limitations. I feel like since I don’t care at all about this issue, I’m not sacrificing anything, and I am tempted to agree to this boundary. Even though I think it’s stupid...


Yeah I'm going to go ahead and say that you're both as immature as each other.

You sound like a couple of sheltered kids
 
So much to report, so we have been talking and in some ways I think we have made progress.

My boyfriend says he doesn’t want a strong headed alpha coming into my life stirring up competition and emasculating him. My boyfriend is basically the opposite of that and if he were in that situation and the man had a bigger penis it would be too much to handle.

I tried asking him how he felt about not disclosing penis size and he said that is fine and he trusts me to respect our agreement. And I am totally trustworthy too, so for everyone who said lie about it, I just wouldn’t feel right and it’s not who I am or who we are as a couple. As you can tell we are very open and honest with each other.

The conversation took a turn after my boyfriend asked me a question. He asked me if there was anyone that I wouldn’t want him to have sex with... I had to be honest and say yes, for me, it would be his ex-girlfriends, particularly his most recent ex. She really rubs me the wrong way and I seriously question her ethics and I would not support her influence on him.

We went on to talk about what behaviors would make one another too uncomfortable and BDSM was brought up. He wouldn’t be comfortable with me performing BDSM with anyone. Which is fine, BDSM is degrading and stupid and I guess I wouldn’t be able to feel the same way about him if he participated in that either.

Part of me feels like we are reaching a new level of vulnerability in the relationship and it makes me happy how deeply we are getting to know one another.

I’m really conflicted. I know couples define rules when opening up relationships, and I have read about veto power too which is basically what we are considering. I want to have an open mind and recognize my boyfriends limitations are no better or worse than someone else’s, just uniquely his own.

If screening can be as simple as a line item on my online profile, as one of you said, it wouldn’t be hard to do it, as stupid as it is. I really don’t care about penis size, it isn’t why I am interested in having an open relationship.

When I step back and look at my situation, I have a supportive man that fights to understand me, and effortlessly agrees to adhere to my boundaries and limitations. I feel like since I don’t care at all about this issue, I’m not sacrificing anything, and I am tempted to agree to this boundary. Even though I think it’s stupid...

We try to have a sex positive forum here. While it's fine that you are not into BDSM, please keep your comments respectful.

I'm sorry you couldn't come to a better conclusion. Good luck finding a meaningful relationship based on penis size.
 
..so for everyone who said lie about it, I just wouldn’t feel right and it’s not who I am or who we are as a couple.
Only one person gave you the ridiculous advice about lying.





My boyfriend says he doesn’t want a strong headed alpha coming into my life stirring up competition and emasculating him.

This fear is what your BF should be addressing, not penises, not kink, not veto. All of the rules aiming to keep out competitors will not help your relationship, they will not ease his mind as you proceed with other partners. He will always have this insecurity, some guy will always be alpha-er and have a bigger dick, you will forever be trying to assuage his fear of losing you. Healthy monogamy is based on genuine preference for one person, not on fear of keeping out all competitors. Healthy polyamory is based on genuine preference for multiple people, not on fear of keeping out stronger competitors.
 
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I'd say you're confusing a veto and a "messy list."

A messy list is a valid thing to have. "Please don't date my sister, or any of my exes, or my boss," would be a common request. But saying, "Don't date any 'alpha males,' especially ones with dicks bigger than mine," is arbitrary and shows a fear of loss that needs to be dealt with by your bf.

I am very wary of men who buy into that "alpha male" bs that has been going around. I wouldn't do polyamory with a guy who had these hangups. I probably wouldn't want to date him, period.

A veto is always a bad idea. It gives the original partner the power to tell 2 other people that they must break up. In poly, we all have the right to manage our relationships as best suits the 2 individuals involved. It's not fair at all to the newer partner to be told, "My other partner doesn't like you, and so I am breaking up with you, even though we like/love each other."

I screen people when dating, to try and make sure this kind of deal is not in place with them, and any of their other partners. It's very humiliating to feel like you need the approval, not just of your dating partner, but of their other partner(s) as well.
 
Uh huh, that's one hell of a shit storm on the OP :D Please don't call her immature because she called bdsm stupid, that's not very kind either. I first read the reactions and only then went to back the original post, just to realize I'm sincerely amused, not offended.

JamyJam, please listen to what people have to say about veto-power, that's important.
 
Please don't call her immature because she called bdsm stupid, that's not very kind.

I don't think she was called immature because of the BDSM remark.
 
That's one hell of a shit storm on the OP. :D

Put "penis size" in a post, you're gonna get responses! :p

JamyJam, please listen to what people have to say about veto power, that's important.
 
Why is no one jumping down the throat of users who called her BF "insane" or a "twit"? I think OP's opinion about bdsm is well within the existing bounds of imprudent culture on this forum...

It sounds like OP wants to bestow rules on BF and vice versa. Have a ball.. And I am not sure I fully understand the distinction between an “okay” rule and a “not okay” rule as Magdlyn tried to explain. ~ We can be poly as long as you don’t date my friends, ex’s, family, co-workers, and the cute barista at my favorite coffee shop…~ Rules are rules, this idea of a “messy list” could easily become arbitrary.

I can’t help but wonder how everyone’s opinions would differ if BF said, “Sure you can sleep with other people, but only with big dicks and only if I get to watch”? Common form of kink, and heavy on rules..
 
Why is no one jumping down the throat of users who called her BF "insane" or a "twit"? I think OP's opinion about bdsm is well within the existing bounds of imprudent culture on this forum...

It sounds like OP wants to bestow rules on BF and vice versa. Have a ball.. And I am not sure I fully understand the distinction between an “okay” rule and a “not okay” rule as Magdlyn tried to explain. ~ We can be poly as long as you don’t date my friends, ex’s, family, co-workers, and the cute barista at my favorite coffee shop…~ Rules are rules, this idea of a “messy list” could easily become arbitrary.

I can’t help but wonder how everyone’s opinions would differ if BF said, “Sure you can sleep with other people, but only with big dicks and only if I get to watch”? Common form of kink, and heavy on rules..

FWIW, a large part of me agrees about the rules differentiation being arbitrary. What you should look for are people who share your values. It might be perfectly fine for my partner to date my friend, Bonnie. It unlikely to become complicated. However, my friend, Clyde, who is monogamous, has PTSD and abandonment issues as well as an adult son who is fully dependent, that's going to be messy. I date people who could work that out for themselves.

I think a messy list is something you might need early on when you're thinking about the possible ways being poly might implode but for the most part, I think it is a case by case basis.
 
I can’t help but wonder how everyone’s opinions would differ if BF said, “Sure you can sleep with other people, but only with big dicks and only if I get to watch”? Common form of kink, and heavy on rules..

She wasn't talking just about sleeping with people, but about *dating* them. As in getting to know them and forming some sort of emotional attachment / entanglement before sleeping with them. And I'd say _that_ is a different thing than a specific cuckold/hotwife scene as you describe... mostly because the "rule" is established up front before the attachment happens.

OTOH we certainly get enough people coming here that start as swingers, with all the rules, and fall in love anyway and end up in a mess that they post about here. The general population of the board tends to tell THEM trying to make rules against, for instance, falling in love with people is an exercise in bad ideas. So is the general instance of a One Penis Policy. I don't think the answer here is any different.
 
Why is no one jumping down the throat of users who called her BF "insane" or a "twit"?

I was shocked that Kevin used words like that. It seemed out of character for him! But I criticize his advice too much, so I let it go.

I think OP's opinion about bdsm is well within the existing bounds of imprudent culture on this forum.

I'm not sure what you mean by "imprudent" here.
It sounds like OP wants to bestow rules on BF and vice versa. Have a ball.. And I am not sure I fully understand the distinction between an “okay” rule and a “not okay” rule as Magdlyn tried to explain. ~ We can be poly as long as you don’t date my friends, ex’s, family, co-workers, and the cute barista at my favorite coffee shop…~ Rules are rules, this idea of a “messy list” could easily become arbitrary.

Oh, it's not obvious? Dating my sister could be a problem because of long familial ties. What kind of issues would come up if he treated her wrong, or they broke up, etc.? Same goes for dating people from work, etc. It can cause issues with employment comfort.

But a random cute barista? No problem! Not a deep relationship already in place, nor would she probably be an important person in one's life prior to the dating idea.
I can’t help but wonder how everyone’s opinions would differ if BF said, “Sure you can sleep with other people, but only with big dicks and only if I get to watch”? Common form of kink, and heavy on rules..

But this issues isn't about cuckolding, it's about polyAMORY. Love, in other words, not sex, per se.

The issue seems to be low self esteem on the part of the bf.
 
My boyfriend says he doesn’t want a strong headed alpha coming into my life stirring up competition and emasculating him.

So what would you do if one of those showed up? Tell them to cut it out? Or end it with them?

Maybe letting BF know your plan would help him?

I tried asking him how he felt about not disclosing penis size and he said that is fine and he trusts me to respect our agreement.

He just trusts you, right?

And what would you do if the person you are dating IS bigger? You still dump the new dating partner?

Can the agreement be moved over to what he's actually scared of? So you aren't put in a weird spot being the penis police?

Like instead of "I agree to dump anyone who has a bigger dick than you" it becomes "I agree to dump anyone who treats you disrespectfully or tries to emasculate you and stirs up competition?"

That seems closer to the main issue for him.

Part of me feels like we are reaching a new level of vulnerability in the relationship and it makes me happy how deeply we are getting to know one another.

Glad to hear it.

Maybe the Opening Up worksheet help you in these talks.

https://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

I’m really conflicted. I know couples define rules when opening up relationships, and I have read about veto power too which is basically what we are considering. I want to have an open mind and recognize my boyfriends limitations are no better or worse than someone else’s, just uniquely his own.

I think "messy people list" happens before there's even people on the scene. Like I don't want DH to date my mother or sister or boss. People that are too weird or creates messy situations. In return, I would steer clear of his messy people list too. Making that kind of agreement feels better to me than a veto. Because there's plenty of people to date in the world without going right for the messy weird ones.

"Veto" happens AFTER a real person is involved. Dating someone for a while and then telling someone you have to dump them because your other partner said to? That's not very nice. People shouldn't be treated like collateral damage. It's very couple privilege too.


When I step back and look at my situation, I have a supportive man that fights to understand me, and effortlessly agrees to adhere to my boundaries and limitations. I feel like since I don’t care at all about this issue, I’m not sacrificing anything, and I am tempted to agree to this boundary. Even though I think it’s stupid...

Then after thinking it over you just agree to it. And maybe you keep the "I think it is stupid" part to yourself.

But I'd encourage working out the language of the agreement to be what it really is about for him. It's not the dick size. The dick size would just be the "last straw" for him by the sound of it.

He basically doesn't wanting some alpha male coming in here and stirring up competition or trying to emasculate him.

Maybe he wants your reassurance that you wouldn't be happy about that behavior either?

Maybe you could agree to something more like that so it works for him AND works for you so you don't have to be agreeing to things you think are stupid?

Galagirl
 
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Can the agreement be moved over to what he's actually scared of? So you aren't put in a weird spot being the penis police?

Like instead of "I agree to dump anyone who has a bigger dick than you" it becomes "I agree to dump anyone who treats you disrespectfully or tries to emasculate you and stirs up competition?"

That seems closer to the main issue for him.

But, since this is basically all in his head, wouldn't he be the one getting dumped? I mean, I guess it's possible some guy could come along and try to cowboy her away, but it seems more likely the BF is going to be the one constantly creating a competition.
 
I'm not sure what you mean by "imprudent" here.

But this issues isn't about cuckolding, it's about polyAMORY. Love, in other words, not sex, per se.

The issue seems to be low self esteem on the part of the bf.

I mean not caring about the consequence of offending with one’s words.

It’s interesting that you say this is all about polyamory, because OP’s initial post never used the word. I feel like I don’t even know what’s going on in this thread anymore. The point I was trying to make with my comment about kink is, I think the community reacts differently to someone creating a rule out of insecurity than someone making a rule out of kink… And I guess that makes sense in a way, but I am having trouble rationalizing it...

As for messy lists, I would ask why is your comfort at work so much more important than her BFs comfort in the relationship? How do we value what one finds comfortable over another? I still fall back to this idea that rules are rules and most people have a few.
 
vinsanity0 said:
But, since this is basically all in his head, wouldn't he be the one getting dumped? I mean, I guess it's possible some guy could come along and try to cowboy her away, but it seems more likely the BF is going to be the one constantly creating a competition.

I see that as a separate issue.

OP could promise to speak up and ultimately break up with any new person who treats BF poorly. That would behavior the new potential is doing. And that seems to be what BF actually fears. Being treated badly by the new potential even if he's hanging it on the "dick size" hook.

If BF keeps going round and round with competitiveness? That is now behavior BF is doing. JamyJam may have to think about asking BF to cut it out, returning to Closed with BF, or breaking up with BF if there no resolution. Cuz there's trying to work things out and then there's just going round and round in circles.

But one thing at a time, and hopefully coming to a better framed agreement that works for both of them helps as they move on to try to date others.

  • So BF feels safe enough participating here.
  • And JamyJam feels ok enough participating here too and not like they agree to do stupid things.

Galagirl
 
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I mean not caring about the consequence of offending with one’s words.
I think that we're a plain spoken and forthright bunch, not callous. We’ve been written up in the press as one of the best all around relationship advice forums on the internet.
 
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I think that we're a plain spoken and forthright bunch, not callous. We’ve been written up in the press as one of the best all around relationship advice forums on the internet.

Do you have any links to that? It must have gone under my radar.
 
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