One Penis Size Policy

JamyJam

New member
Hi everyone, long time lurker here with a problem…

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for about 2 years. When we started dating we both talked about how we were open to other relationship configurations but we decided to keep things mono so we could get to know each other and get comfortable. Over the past few months we have started talking more about opening up to secondary relationships and discussing boundaries. We each have our own boundaries that we desire, for example my personal space is very important and I don’t want him bringing people into our home. He has responded pretty well to all of my boundaries but I am really struggling with one of his…

He doesn’t want me to have sex with someone that has a larger penis than his… I have been trying to keep an open mind about this but I just can’t get past it. Early in our relationship he did ask me about the penises of other men I have had sex with, which I found really awkward and difficult to talk about. But I basically told him that the men I have been with have all been about the same size except for one man who was particularly small. After that conversation we never talked about it again, but according to him, one of the things that made him feel secure in the relationship was the fact that I had never been with a “porno penis”…

I don't ever think about penis size, and, as a matter of fact I have a feeling I may find a "porno penis" uncomfortable. I originally agreed to the stipulation without really thinking about the consequences because I wanted to be supportive. Unfortunately I don’t really know how to enforce such a ridiculous rule… It’s not like I can know a man’s penis size before the act of sex. Furthermore I don’t really feel like it’s fair, I would hate to grow close to someone only to have to turn them away because of a physical attribute. It feels shallow and wrong. I have tried reasoning with my boyfriend and he acknowledges that he is being insecure about this but claims that it is a situation he will not subject himself to and that if I cannot respect his boundary on this issue he would rather stay monogamous or end the relationship.

This is the first dispute that he has ever been so adamant about, this is the first time we really haven’t seen eye to eye on an issue and the fact that he is willing to potentially end our relationship over it is heartbreaking and frustrating. I do not know what to do… I don’t even care about my arbitrary future lover’s penis, I just don’t want unfair restrictions placed on me.

Has anyone gone through this, or heard of this before? I am familiar with one penis policies which is all I can find in the search but I feel like this is different... It's at the point where I am wondering if I am being the unreasonable one...
 

breathemusic

Active member
First of all, I suggest refusing to disclose penis size of one partner to the other. Do you think that any future partner would really want you to tell your boyfriend that? He's not entitled to that information. So if the answer is just "I'm never going to tell you what their size is, so you'll never know, and if you can't live with not knowing then you need to decide if you can handle being open/poly or not." then that is the answer.

Frankly, I wouldn't want to be open with someone that is so insecure that they have to treat every meta as a competition. Sounds like you will just be constantly fighting against jealousy.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Now, I know that one reason previously mono men don't want to "let" "their" woman date other guys is because they are afraid the other men will have bigger dicks. But often this is a subconscious fear. It seems really weird that he'd be so upfront about this fear of "inadequacy."

(Men also worry that other guys will have better sexual skills, more sexual "stamina," and have better jobs and cars.)

We all know that size doesn't matter, usually. A few people are "size queens." But when you've come right out and told him penis size doesn't matter to you, and he's still so fearful, it sounds like he's got some weird issues around "competing" with other male's for "his" woman's sex.

As you said, you're not going to go through the trouble of dating, getting to know someone, gradually getting intimate and finally getting his pants off, or at least your hand on his junk through his pants, only to tell him, "Sorry dude, your dick's too big and my bf has low self esteem. See ya."

That's not how poly works.
 

vinsanity0

Active member
As the owner of an average sized penis I can tell you that you are not being unreasonable. You are correct that it is a ridiculous boundary. Your boyfriend has some deep seated issues with self esteem. The good news is that he recognizes that. The bad news is he doesn't want to improve himself. Maybe, as you move forward, he will become more comfortable with poly. The issue really isn't penis size. He is insecure. Been there, done that, got over it by realizing my wife loved me.

I agree with bm that the size of your partners is none of his business. The problem with telling him that is that he may bristle at being told that. Maybe you can get him to open up about what is really bothering him, which is a general fear of losing you. Or, you can just tell him that everyone is his size or smaller...lol
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
By the way, there is a difference between boundaries and rules. Boundaries are something you have for yourself. "I don't want anyone using my toothbrush."

Rules are something one person tries to put on another. "You may not date someone with a deeper vagina than mine. And you must prove this by..."

hahaha.
 

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
I'd tell him that I will agree to the rule but it is something I'll be honest about. So once I establish the guy has a bigger penis, I will end the relationship with him but I will tell him why I have to do so.

I've realized that many people who have these obviously insecurity based rules do not want their partners to tell people that the rule exists because they know on some level that it is silly.
 

MeeraReed

Active member
Question: how would your boyfriend feel if you wanted to use a vibrator/dildo that is larger than his penis? Would that also make him insecure?
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
One reason many men feel better about their bi female partner dating other women, and not men, is because those women can't have bigger cocks than them. Not knowing that women can strap on cocks of any size and shape (and color), and they're always erect, to boot!
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I find it odd.

But alright. The choices are...

1) HARD TRUTH. You agree. And when you discover new dating partner has a penis that is too big for your BF, you dump them. And tell new partner and BF .... what? That you dumped them over penis size?

2) SELECTIVE LIE/ SELECTIVE TRUTH COMBO. You agree. And just don't tell your BF anything about penis size. Bigger or smaller. Just no penis compare talk. And if your BF asks, you say "Nope. You have to trust me I'm not leaving you for bigger dick and I'm keeping agreement. Because blabbing about other people's personal body parts is weird to me. Like you telling a new GF my labia go like this while hers go like that.... too weird. No body comparing and you just have to trust me I'm not leaving you for big dick."

And sometimes it will be true -- the other dick is smaller. And other times it will be a lie. The other dick will be bigger. But if you aren't talking how would your BF know? He plants on pulling down the other dude's pants to check? :confused:

3)HARD TRUTH. You tell BF "After more thinking? That dick screening agreement is not something I care to. So no thank you. And if your preferences are dick screening with notes, mono, or break up? And I don't want to do dick screening? Then I pick ________. "

I'm having trouble imaging what other choices there could be that YOU can control. Because the other choice of "BF gets over his insecurity and this agreement is no longer needed is not something YOU do or control. That is something HE would have to work through himself.

I think it's the "can't compete" fear.

Like "Pussy doesn't matter. I don't have one so I don't have to compete there. But a bigger dick! OMG! I can't compete!"

Or flipped like "I'm super confident about my dick. Other dick doesn't bother me. But pussy. OMG! I don't even have one of those! I can't compete!"

Or "OMG! Partner is into BOTH pussy and dick? I though I had to worry about just guys and now I have to worry about women too?" Or that one flipped.

In the end? It doesn't matter where their thing is coming from.

I think it comes down to YOU. Because you pick the people you date out.

Do you want to deal in dating a partner who has personal work to do. And rather than address it and work on it, they prefer you do they accommodating so they don't have to do any work. Like pass the buck?

If it is a small thing you? Maybe you et it slide. Nobody is perfect after all.

If it is unreasonable thing to you? Then maybe you let this partner go. If they work on themselves and you are available maybe you date again later on. But not now. And if they don't do the work... well, maybe never again then.

I do not know what to do… I don’t even care about my arbitrary future lover’s penis, I just don’t want unfair restrictions placed on me.
Then you do know what to do. This is unfair, not reasonable, and not realistic request. You say "No, thanks. I don't care to do that. And you let the chips fall where they may. He either decides to work on himself, or not. And I guess depending on that? You end it or not.

Has anyone gone through this, or heard of this before? I am familiar with one penis policies which is all I can find in the search but I feel like this is different... It's at the point where I am wondering if I am being the unreasonable one...

You think you are being unreasonable because you have an expectation in your relationships that you will not undertake unreasonable or irrational requests from partner? I think that's a fair expectation.

Galagirl
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello JamyJam,

This is just my opinion, but I think your boyfriend is being completely unreasonable. I would be inclined to say to him, "The more I think about this penis size policy of yours, the less I like it. You seriously need to get over that hangup." On the opposite end of the spectrum, you could agree to the policy, and anyone you date, you just tell them during the first date ... "I need to tell you that my boyfriend has this thing about penis size. So I'm not allowed to have sex with anyone who has a large penis. If that is a deal breaker for you, I would certainly understand." That's an awfully awkward thing to have to tell someone on a first date, but what better options is your boyfriend giving you? That's a rhetorical question ...

You could of course lie. When your boyfriend says, "Have you had sex with anyone with a big penis?" you say, "Nope," regardless of what size of penises you have encountered. Actually even if you don't lie, your boyfriend might not trust you to tell the truth. He could easily end up resenting you because he is sure you are acting against his policy, even though you've told him you're not. This policy of his could cause so many kinds of trouble, for you, for him, for anyone you date. Your boyfriend isn't just being unreasonable, he's being crazy. No one should have to carry the kind of burden he is saddling you with, and he is shooting himself in the foot. And how can you be sure a penis is the "right" size, shy of producing a tape measure?

So what are your other options? Well, you could wait until you pull down someone's pants, only then to say, "Oh I'm sorry, your penis is too big, we can't have sex." Or, "Your penis is too big, we have to break up." Such great options. Or you can go back to monogamy with your boyfriend. Or you can break up with your boyfriend. That pretty sums up all of your choices. I mean I know you care a lot about your boyfriend, and the two of you have never had a disagreement except for this one little thing. But really, is it so little? This is a boyfriend who is willing to saddle you with this totally unreasonable burden. What does that say about his character? Would you want to be with someone who treated anyone like that?

Then there's the option of convincing your boyfriend to change his mind. The problem is, I can't think of anything you could say to him that would convince him. You've already tried to reason with him. Essentially his position is, "I know I'm being insecure, but I won't subject myself to that kind of situation." Maybe the thing to say to him, when he says that, is, "No, you're not being insecure. You're being unreasonable, and, frankly, insane. Who saddles their girlfriend with a burden like this?" I don't know, if you said something like that, would that convince him? and maybe you've already said something like that. If you did, how did he respond? If you'll describe your conversations with him in more detail, that might give me more ideas.

This would be almost comical, if it wasn't really happening. :(
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
This is the first dispute that he has ever been so adamant about, this is the first time we really haven’t seen eye to eye on an issue and the fact that he is willing to potentially end our relationship over it is heartbreaking and frustrating. I do not know what to do…

One thing you can do is recognize that if he is willing to end your relationship over this, he is carrying around a lot more insecurities than just this one. This is your first serious dispute, but you'e only known him for two years. Two years is often when relationships start getting into deep intimacy territory, when the stars in your eyes dim down and you're better able to see who you're really in a relationship with. I guarantee you that this is not his one and only insecurity that he will try to mitigate by controlling you and others. There is absolutely nothing you can say to someone about their own insecurities - nothing that is long lasting, anyway. Yes, we can support our loved ones in their efforts to get better, but fears are self-generated and can only be self-healed. If your BF is not working on his own insecurities and fears, your words of reassurance will fall on fallow ground. Even worse, if you go along with these fears by "correcting" your behavior, you will only be propagating the problem, not solving it. This penis competition fear is but one of many and your BF's fears will never, ever dissipate by your cooperation. You will never be able to reassure him enough and he will never stop looking over his shoulder, keeping an eye out for bigger cocks coming to steal his woman's desire. Changing this fear is something that only your BF can do. Your compliance with this insecurity-based rule will never solve the issue.
 

Inaniel

Active member
Not quite playing devil’s advocate here but I have seen women screen men for penis size before, it’s not such a crazy idea IME. For example on tinder some women will mention that they are a size queen to weed out penises that they are not interested in. Cuckold couples will also screen for penis size. In fact there are entire dating websites dedicated to screening for penis size, and men commonly put there penis size in CL casual encounters section (back when it existed). In all of these examples, women are typically screening for larger than average penises, regardless the idea of this sort of screening certainly isn't novel.

I am saying the logistics could be figured out. NOT that you should have to deal with it...

I think rationality is an ideal that humans inevitably fall short of in one area or another. We all have our hang-ups, and inevitably must deal with a partner’s lack of rationale in one area of life or another. I am typically not a fan of trading in a partner when things like this pop-up because there will always be something, and if this is the only thing you have disagreed about in two years, that’s not bad…

When you talk to your boyfriend I would avoid terms like "insane" or "crazy", words like that can be offensive and triggering for some people making it difficult to have a conversation. I would start by asking your boyfriend describe in detail his vision of this uncomfortable future, perhaps there are underlying details that you could start to tackle. Like how big is “too” big anyway? Do you have your own definition of “too big” maybe there’s common ground there? Is he worried that it could affect you physiologically? Because you could find resources to help educate him in female physiology… I agree with everyone that this may not be your job, but hell, he’s your partner it’s okay for you to be warm and loving and helpful in regards to his insecurities. Despite everyone suggesting you be cold and dishonest, I actually doubt that’s how they are IRL..

There is a not so underlying view that men need to toughen-up or get the hell out. This gender bias runs deep, and this community is not immune. Advice about how to deal with a female's insecurities and a male's insecurities is drastically different. I’m going to go against the grain and say that your boyfriend is being very vulnerable with you, and the best approach is to have some compassion, and work on understanding the rational dis-connect and motivating him to come to a place that makes sense for both of you.
 

vinsanity0

Active member
Not quite playing devil’s advocate here but I have seen women screen men for penis size before, it’s not such a crazy idea IME. For example on tinder some women will mention that they are a size queen to weed out penises that they are not interested in. Cuckold couples will also screen for penis size. In fact there are entire dating websites dedicated to screening for penis size, and men commonly put there penis size in CL casual encounters section (back when it existed). In all of these examples, women are typically screening for larger than average penises, regardless the idea of this sort of screening certainly isn't novel.

I am saying the logistics could be figured out. NOT that you should have to deal with it...

I think rationality is an ideal that humans inevitably fall short of in one area or another. We all have our hang-ups, and inevitably must deal with a partner’s lack of rationale in one area of life or another. I am typically not a fan of trading in a partner when things like this pop-up because there will always be something, and if this is the only thing you have disagreed about in two years, that’s not bad…

When you talk to your boyfriend I would avoid terms like "insane" or "crazy", words like that can be offensive and triggering for some people making it difficult to have a conversation. I would start by asking your boyfriend describe in detail his vision of this uncomfortable future, perhaps there are underlying details that you could start to tackle. Like how big is “too” big anyway? Do you have your own definition of “too big” maybe there’s common ground there? Is he worried that it could affect you physiologically? Because you could find resources to help educate him in female physiology… I agree with everyone that this may not be your job, but hell, he’s your partner it’s okay for you to be warm and loving and helpful in regards to his insecurities. Despite everyone suggesting you be cold and dishonest, I actually doubt that’s how they are IRL..

There is a not so underlying view that men need to toughen-up or get the hell out. This gender bias runs deep, and this community is not immune. Advice about how to deal with a female's insecurities and a male's insecurities is drastically different. I’m going to go against the grain and say that your boyfriend is being very vulnerable with you, and the best approach is to have some compassion, and work on understanding the rational dis-connect and motivating him to come to a place that makes sense for both of you.

What you see as "cold and dishonest" I see as recognizing a partner's insecurities and not enabling them. You are trying to make this a gender thing, but all genders have insecurities. What if a woman told her male partner she didn't want him to be with a woman with a tighter vagina? Or a woman with smaller labia, or bigger breasts? Or younger?

None of that would be about vaginas, labia, or breasts. It's all about being insecure about their partner leaving them for something they perceive as better. Yes, we can do what we can to help a partner through something like that, but it's up to them to do the bulk of the emotional labor. In this case the partner seems to have drawn a line in the sand.

I agree with Karen that if it's not this one thing it will be something else. Only time will tell. In the meantime maybe it will help him feel more comfortable to make him think he's "safe". Insecurities don't have to last forever.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Not quite playing devil’s advocate here but I have seen women screen men for penis size before, it’s not such a crazy idea IME. For example on tinder some women will mention that they are a size queen to weed out penises that they are not interested in.

That would be different to me.

Because it would be ME doing the screening. Like if I made a dating profile saying I like redheads and want someone who likes riding horses and some kink? Fair enough. Someone else can make their profile to be seeking a non-smoker, speaks french and blondes are a plus. Whatever. Because it is each person screening potentials for their own self.

Here it is NOT really OP screening for themselves to meet their own preferences. It is the partner wanting OP to screen for the partner's preference. Even though the one dating them would be OP. And not the partner.

That would be like my husband picking for me and saying I can only date blondes, I can only date small dick, I can only date people who ride motorcycles and not horses. DH isn't dating them. He's trying to pick who I get to date for me.

I'd be like "Um... *I* pick out my dating partners, not you."

So it would be a problem.

It's not the dick screening so much as WHO is doing it and WHY.

I could be wrong in my impression... but here the problem is not the penis size. But the insecure partner wanting to overstep their bounds and pick who JamyJam can date or not. Because they are afraid JamyJam will dump them if JamyJam finds a new partner with a bigger dick. They prefer (restricting JamyJam's dating choices) rather than (doing their personal work on solving their insecurities another way.) And want JamyJam to agree to that kind of arrangement.

JamyJam doesn't like this arrangement.

And the partner is going "Well, you agree to my terms, or else we do monogamy or break up. "

I agree with everyone that this may not be your job, but hell, he’s your partner it’s okay for you to be warm and loving and helpful in regards to his insecurities. Despite everyone suggesting you be cold and dishonest, I actually doubt that’s how they are IRL..

I'm not suggesting JamyJam be cold and dishonest. I am suggesting JamyJam figure out what they want to do here and how to approach it.

Because it's not really about dick size. It could easily be money, education, whatever else the person thinks is "better." It's fear that one doesn't "measure up."

If it were me? I prefer hard truthing. Not everyone does.

I would say "I think every person's dick size is their private info shared with a lover only. I wouldn't tell them about your dick. I'm not telling you about their dick. Now if you are fearful or worried about something, I can talk that out with you. But this dick screening thing you are proposing I do? No. I do not agree to do that. I can promise you I'm not just going to up and dump you over big dick. "

Galagirl
 
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Inaniel

Active member
I completely agree with the above posters. I was merely suggesting the logistics may not be as awkward as represented, I thought I was careful enough to specify that I was talking about the logistics of the situation and not the ethics, clearly not...
 

vinsanity0

Active member
I completely agree with the above posters. I was merely suggesting the logistics may not be as awkward as represented, I thought I was careful enough to specify that I was talking about the logistics of the situation and not the ethics, clearly not...

Since you said you were playing devil's advocate I just assumed you were putting forth a counter argument for the sake of debate.
 

Inaniel

Active member
That is not what I said; I can see why you interpreted that way though.
 

TXretired

Member
Sounds like he is a little of a controlling twit. My wife’s partner has a bigger dick. Ok, big deal. She is happy. My partner prefers my size. Ok, big deal. There are some real important issues. Find them first.
 

JamyJam

New member
So much to report, so we have been talking and in some ways I think we have made progress.

My boyfriend says he doesn’t want a strong headed alpha coming into my life stirring up competition and emasculating him. My boyfriend is basically the opposite of that and if he were in that situation and the man had a bigger penis it would be too much to handle.

I tried asking him how he felt about not disclosing penis size and he said that is fine and he trusts me to respect our agreement. And I am totally trustworthy too, so for everyone who said lie about it, I just wouldn’t feel right and it’s not who I am or who we are as a couple. As you can tell we are very open and honest with each other.

The conversation took a turn after my boyfriend asked me a question. He asked me if there was anyone that I wouldn’t want him to have sex with... I had to be honest and say yes, for me, it would be his ex-girlfriends, particularly his most recent ex. She really rubs me the wrong way and I seriously question her ethics and I would not support her influence on him.

We went on to talk about what behaviors would make one another too uncomfortable and BDSM was brought up. He wouldn’t be comfortable with me performing BDSM with anyone. Which is fine, BDSM is degrading and stupid and I guess I wouldn’t be able to feel the same way about him if he participated in that either.

Part of me feels like we are reaching a new level of vulnerability in the relationship and it makes me happy how deeply we are getting to know one another.

I’m really conflicted. I know couples define rules when opening up relationships, and I have read about veto power too which is basically what we are considering. I want to have an open mind and recognize my boyfriends limitations are no better or worse than someone else’s, just uniquely his own.

If screening can be as simple as a line item on my online profile, as one of you said, it wouldn’t be hard to do it, as stupid as it is. I really don’t care about penis size, it isn’t why I am interested in having an open relationship.

When I step back and look at my situation, I have a supportive man that fights to understand me, and effortlessly agrees to adhere to my boundaries and limitations. I feel like since I don’t care at all about this issue, I’m not sacrificing anything, and I am tempted to agree to this boundary. Even though I think it’s stupid...
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
We went on to talk about what behaviors would make one another too uncomfortable and BDSM was brought up. He wouldn’t be comfortable with me performing BDSM with anyone. Which is fine, BDSM is degrading and stupid and I guess I wouldn’t be able to feel the same way about him if he participated in that either.

OK, it's one thing to be uninterested or turned off by BDSM - that's perfectly fine and probably more people are than not. However, calling it degrading and stupid... well, let's just say that idea is pretty offensive to many members of this board, myself included.
 
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