open relationship jealousy with new alpha

W

whitesox

New member
Hey all , brand new here . My wife and I are fairly new to this . I'll tell the story and look forward to feedback. We have a rule that we need to tell each other before dates with other people occur.
My girlfriend was flying home and I asked my wife if I could see her on weekend and she said she was uncomfortable with me seeing her because of covid. I asked if I wasn't going to see her, could we have a weekend together. She agreed and on Saturday night we had a lovely night with great sex. We had porn on a this girl was squirting from finger simulation , my wife said she wants to do that some time but didn't want to then. The next day I was taking my kids to my parents to hang out and I felt that because I cancelled my date she wouldn't meet anyone ... she said that she was meeting a girlfriend for lunch but I had trust issues and thought she had bigger plans.
In late afternoon , I really felt it and texted her to see if she stayed out and she replied that she was home. After we got kids to bed , she told me she met a man for coffee that she had met once before. She said it was a last minute thing and she is telling me as soon as we had a chance to talk. Right away I was overwhelmed with anxiety and feelings of being upset as I didn't know about it and felt she had at least made a maybe plan and didn't tell me . I did not react well . She said she felt that she didn't want to tell me next time which I don't want her to do.
I asked her about what happened next , she said they were talking about squirting and he told her that he was a master of it and she agreed to go to his place and only do fingering. She told me she squirted and came multiple times and it was amazing. I asked her what he looks like like and she told me he was muscular , tattooed and super masculine. I asked if he would do a threesome and she replied that he doesn't do that anymore as husbands can't handle how much of a alpha he is. This gave me major feelings of anxiety and I just wanted to curl up and die.
I feel very scared and don't really want her to see him but I feel if I do it will cause problems either with resentment or her sneaking around.
Am I crazy for being upset about how this transpired with no communication and how do I deal with the ego blow/anxiety of this picture that my wife has painted of her new lover ?
 
You could stop asking for all that information, it's really not stuff you need to know.
 
I'm trying to understand - so correct where needed.
  1. You have a rule to tell each other before a date.
  2. Your girlfriend was flying home and you asked to see her.
  3. Your wife said she was covid uncomfortable with that so you negotiated the weekend with your wife.
  4. You had a good time with your wife and had a mini discussion concerning squirting. She wasn't into it at that point.
  5. Next day you hang with the kids and parents and your wife does a date without meeting the rule in #1.
  6. You did not react well to the rule break so your wife told you she is considering not doing the rule because you don't act well when she doesn't do the rule.
That's what I read anyway. So, you are not crazy for feeling however you feel.
As for her paramour, he has a great schtick. I'm guessing it's part of the attraction story. (I'm too alpha for my shirt, too alpha for my shirt, too alpha...) But anything he can do I can do and so can you.

As to how to deal with the ego blow/anxiety? I like Evie's answer, I'm gonna Like it.

My freebie just because it came to me as I was typing: Make your own schtick. Did the paramour sorta match the guy in the porn? Find your porn doppelganger and sell it!
 
Definitely don't ask for details. Also, why was it ok for her to meet some random guy but NOT ok for you to meet your gf?? How is one less risky than the other?

Honestly, it sounds to me like your wife wants to do what she wants to do but also wants you to do what SHE wants you to do. I would pass on that. Also, just because you asked for details doesn't mean she has to provide them. I'm wondering if she doesn't enjoy making you jealous (and controlling you.)
 
I don't understand. If you are limiting contact to the "family bubble" of your house and maybe your parents' house? And wife wants you NOT to have your GF come visit because of COVID?

What's she doing going out with her girlfriend? Having a second meet up with some potential dude? Then going to his place to share digital sex?

Are you mad she's maybe exposing the family bubble to germs in pandemic?

Are you mad she broke the agreement about telling each other about dates before going out on them?

Mad about both things?

And if you are upset with her behavior... why on earth would you want to share a threesome with the stranger Dude and expose you to Covid maybe? Groups sex is not a requirement in open marriage.

I feel very scared and don't really want her to see him but I feel if I do it will cause problems either with resentment or her sneaking around.
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I think you could tell her you don't want her sneaking around to see him. You prefer she honor the agreement and put her dates on a Google Calendar ahead of time. And if she cannot honor the agreement?

Then either it needs to be disbanded or changed to something that IS keepable. Because how is it ok that you try to tell her about your date with your GF ahead of time and she doesn't tell you about her dates ahead of time?

And how is it fair that you consider her COVID concerns and postpone your date... and she doesn't have any concern for your COVID safety back? What's that all about?

If she's makes an agreement of her own free will? Rather than just saying "No, thanks. I don't agree." And you hold her accountable to her word? How is that you treating her unfairly? Where is the resentment? That you expect an adult person to be a person of their word and keep their agreements?

If she's gonna sneak around, she's just gonna.

How does that matter to you talking to her honestly and up front about the things that concern you? These two things are not connected.

Am I crazy for being upset about how this transpired with no communication and
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You are not crazy to be upset about broken agreements or the double standard.

how do I deal with the ego blow/anxiety of this picture that my wife has painted of her new lover ?
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If this is her first time sharing sex outside the marriage? Be sure you aren't pinning it on the dude and making him sound greater than he actually is inside your head.

All I read was that she shared digital sex where she squirted for the first time and squirting was amazing. And that the Dude is muscular , tattooed and super masculine. And that they've had 2 meetups. Plus how he's a "master" and and "alpha" all that. To me that just reads like he's full of himself. Doesn't mean he's a great person, a great BF, and great anything. At this point it's her sharing sex with a near stranger during pandemic and getting off.

Maybe she was just curious, maybe she's making some newbie mistakes.

If you want this to get better over time? Speak up and nip miscommunication in the bud. And maybe stop asking her sex details beyond whether or not safer sex practices were used.

You are overasking and she's oversharing the TMI sex details.

Galagirl
 
Hello whitesox,

Me personally, I don't have great respect for most men who consider themselves "alpha" ... and even less respect for men who consider themselves "too alpha for other men to handle." Other than that I just agree with the points the others have made. You'd be better off not probing for information about the people your wife dates. At the same time, she shouldn't be going around dating new people in the midst of a pandemic, or at the very least, if she does, then she should allow you the same freedom. Also she should stick to your agreed-upon rule that you will always tell each other when you're going on a date before you go on it. If you can adhere to that rule, then she can too.

It's true, if your wife really wants to keep seeing this guy, there's no way you can stop her. But you can certainly stand up for yourself, and tell her that if you are sticking to the rules, that she ought to stick to them as well. It would be the fair thing for her to do.

I hope you can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
So to summarize: The OP followed the rules and informs his wife of his gf flying home and would like to see her over the weekend ....she says NO because of covid and would Like to spend the weekend with him. Sunday rolls around and he takes the kids to the grandparents and she “ says” she meeting a gf for lunch BUT his radar is sweeping and feels something more is planned. Later afternoon the feeling is greater so he text her to dispel or confirm his hunch She says she home. After the kids are in bed and asleep she confesses to meeting up with a guy she met or talked to once before.

Question : Did she actually have lunch with her gf ? What’s “ last minute mean “ ? How was this arranged ...did she arrange this while at lunch while her friend was sitting there ?

It’s pretty coincidental that the OP sensed she had bigger plans ..AND then it turned out to be true. Am i the only one they that thinks that interesting ?

The Op says he reacted badly. THAT ACTUALLY doesn’t seem unreasonable given the situation and his gut being right. And here’s where I part company with most of the comments above in this idea of “ over” asking. In the moment ( and maybe historically ) there is an element of trickle truth. So asking after you met this guy for coffee then what happened. that’s OVER ASKING ??? “ well i talked about the squirting video and my eagerness to try that and he said he was a master at that so we took the coffee to go to his place “

Asking does this guy look like ?? That’s over asking ??

Personally Im Little skeptical on her reply and or embellished comment on this guys willingness to have 3 somes ...she met him once before and now to get finger banged / squinting tutorial it sounds more like cuckhold comment or backhanded way of diffusing the situation. Back to the point ...is asking if he would do 3somes over asking. NO a it’s NOT. AND IF IT IS actually true that he said he doesn’t because most husbands can’t handle how alpha he is ...whatever that means ...(which might be an interesting conversation In itself) I don’t think that’s oversharing. Its the truth.

Would it be over asking to ask WHY she agreed to or ONLY finger banging/ squiring tutorial. NO customary oral warm up ? Is the picture of a clinical nature....women jumps on the grand masters work bench pulls up her skirt and the masked professional with a sterile glove with lube NOT licking if fingers his own germ filled / coffee scented saliva to get to work on producing squirting and multiple orgasms.

would it be over asking to know if they were both completely naked ? And during a pandemic when clearly you have some type of older parents involved in your lives would it be over asking if in addition to normal STD testing is covid testing had occurred ?
 
It’s pretty coincidental that the OP sensed she had bigger plans ..AND then it turned out to be true. Am i the only one they that thinks that interesting ?
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No. You aren't. I was thinking hinky too.

To clarify...

1) Agreement -- "we tell each other before dates happen." By text, email, verbally, on a calendar, however it is in this household.

2) OP tries to inform wife about GF coming to visit in the spirit of honoring agreement.

3) Wife says no, because COVID and spending time together. He agrees and postpones. Takes kids to grandparents. (Maybe to come back and spend time alone with wife?)

4) Wife goes out to see her girlfriend (true or not I dunno)....(<---- It's already hinky sounding to me here. What happened to the COVID concerns? And telling plans ahead of time? And spending time together this weekend? )

5) She lied/didn't lie about #4... and sees this stranger dude for 2nd time. Goes home with him to have sex and comes back to gush on and on to spouse about it while saying this is first chance to tell about date. (<-- more hinky. This is "first chance"? How long does it take to make the date and slap it on a shared Google calendar? Less than a minute. )

6) Spouse main reaction is... to find out about threesome possibilities with Dude. Then get all depressed the answer is no, and listening to the great hunky details.

I think getting all into the sex details with Dude down at #6 is overreacting on that part.

Because there's UNDERreacting on #4. Like "What the heck? Pandemic is still on. Did you stand me up to go out with your friend and this Dude? After I changed my weekend plans for you? And how truthy are you being to me anyway?"

I'm also skeptical. Like is this for real or trolling?

Whitesox, if you are for real, I'm sorry this is happening to you.

But if asking for TMI sex details just distracts you and sends you down into a funk? I think you could not ask for details. Could not go down taht road at this time when there are greater concerns.

Could instead focus on the main things at hand. You have kids and parents in your "bubble" to watch out for.

I think you could back up a few steps and focus on holding wife accountable to agreements, address pandemic safety, and have a conversation about honesty.

Cuz right now it's like she says one thing and does another. Or like agreements don't really apply to her, they exist for her to control your behavior only. This kind of stuff does not inspire trust.

Galagirl
 
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I am real , I have had trust/jealousy issues since this started and she told me about a meetup one time and I worried most the day. Her argument was even if she had talked to the guy before, they didn't have plans , she didn't want to ruin my day with a maybe and felt by telling after the first chance she got was the next best thing . She saying I have control issues and she wouldn't react the same way if i informed her after. I think what really upset me was I turned down my GF and had a feeling she was still going to meet someone on sunday but felt that she would atleast tell me a maybe as it cut like a knife when she said she met someone. I feel like she cheated on me and the fact that it was a new lover made it hurt even more because I didn't consent . She felt that a last minute text wasn't needed as she was going to tell me later. I have fears that if this comes up again she won't be honest after based on how much we have been fighting about it. She say's she would never react this way to a last minute plan if I informed her shortly after.
 
I am real , I have had trust/jealousy issues since this started
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Thank you for more info.

When did this open marriage start? What preparation did you both do?

If this was newbie mistakes that is one thing.

If this is CHRONIC behavior? She is constantly making agreements in bad faith and then cheating on those agreements? Then that's something else.

Which is it? Until you tell me otherwise, I'll assume it was newbie mistakes.

I feel like she cheated on me and the fact that it was a new lover made it hurt even more because I didn't consent .
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I'm still trying to understand your configuration here. You ARE in an open marriage of some kind, right? Were both of you can date other people and share love and sex with them? Or is it some other model?

What agreement did she cheat on? This is the agreement you two have I know about:

We have a rule that we need to tell each other before dates with other people occur.

That sounded like calendar stuff to me. Is that true? Then yeah. She did not tell you ahead of time about her date with Dude. She told you after.
Rather than deflecting, she could take personal responsibility for her behavior. She could apologize, promise to do better next time, and/or ask to renegotiate agreements.

I don't know your agreements about safer sex practices. Or is the agreement actually more like

"We agree we need to tell each other before SEX dates with other people occur" instead?

If so... Why is this agreement needed? If you are in an open marriage -- don't you both already know that sooner or later there will be other people as lovers? What's this agreement trying to achieve?

Do you have to clear it with your wife every time before you share sex with your GF?

Or is this about NEW people? And established partners do as they please so long as safer sex practices are observed?

I think what really upset me was I turned down my GF and had a feeling she was still going to meet someone on sunday but felt that she would at least tell me a maybe as it cut like a knife when she said she met someone.
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Ok. She could have at least told you up front if she had some "maybe" plans this weekend.

What was the least you could do? When the weekend plans changed, did you ask?

"Ok, so I'm canceling my GF so we can spend time together this weekend and not deal in COVID risks. When do you want to schedule our date? Do you have plans on Saturday or Sunday? Is this family time or should I take the kids to my parents so it is couple time?"

Like... do you two plan dates with other people but don't actually plan them with each other just assuming things?

She felt that a last minute text wasn't needed as she was going to tell me later. I have fears that if this comes up again she won't be honest after based on how much we have been fighting about it. Could ask to stop fighting and agree that the agreement above is not serving either of you well as written.
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I can see you feel hurt, but it sounds like her intent was not to sneak around and cheat. She DID tell you as soon as possible when she got home. But that is not what you asked. You asked her to tell you before. She didn't. So she could apologize. And if this agreement is too hard for her to keep worded this way?

Could agree you are two different people that might need different things to feel safe enough participating here in an open marriage. Could ask to stop fighting and agree that the agreement above is not serving either of you well as written and may need reworking.

Could update agreements so it becomes more keepable by both and the responsibility is on both sides to hold up the various sticks.

Maybe something like

1) We both agree to put our things on the calendar ahead of time. Even the "maybes" -- so the other one can know what to do/expect in terms of childcare, eldercare, anxiety management, etc.

2) We agree to use safer sex practices. They are (list them)

3) Spontaneous activities like _____(list them)_____ during pandemic are ok/ not ok / can be ok if ___(list conditions)______.

4) Before we share sex with each other we both agree to ask/tell
  • Asker: "Has there been anyone new since the last time we shared sex together? Safer sex practices were or were not used?"
  • Teller: "Before we share sex together, I need to let you know that I was with a new person.... Safer sex practices were used /not used."

She say's she would never react this way to a last minute plan if I informed her shortly after.
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You know you are two different people right? One might need glasses, the other one doesn't. One might need diabetic medication and the other one doesn't. So her being ok with last minute plans if you tell her shortly after? Ok. Cool for her.

But it doesn't automatically mean YOU are great with that at this time. You might need different accommodations, esp if this open marriage thing is new.

Could ask her if she's willing to stop fighting and work with you to find the "good enough for now" place so you both are feeling ok enough participating here. Every little thing on the calendar is going to feel "controlling" to her, and everything spontaneous is going to feel too "up in the air" for you and maybe anxiety provoking. Find some middle ground you can both deal in for the next 3 months and then check in. See if agreements are still good as is, or need updating.

Ex:

If she promises to put her weekday things on the calendar so things are "planned ahead enough" for you during the work week? Can you be ok with her having her spontaneous things happening on the weekend? Then each of you is giving something and getting something.

Def have the safety conversation around safer sex and pandemic issues too.

If you are both new to this? There's just going to be bumps. Could accept that as you both try to learn to be together in a new way. If this was an honest mistake in judgement? Let it be that. Learn from it and move on. Don't be sniping at each other, pointing fingers, etc. That just keeps you both in the stuck.

Have a more productive conversation about finding actual solutions rather than going round and round on coulda, woulda, shoulda. Move it forward.

Galagirl
 
It sounds like she fed you a load of bullshit and wasn't super committed to keeping the truth from you. That might be a good thing. Also kind of sounds like she tanked your weekend with your girlfriend because she had "maybe" plans with the squirtmeister. Squirtmeister sounds like a total douche. All of my opinions are simply based on what I'm reading and how it's presented. Sounds like you guys need to have a solid talk about where you really stand on all this and what the boundary lines really are.
 
I can't even deal with this thread, never mind the specifics: the meeting or not meeting of the OP's gf, the wife's platonic gf, the new squirtmaster/alpha/hunk/egocentric asshole.... All this is just so fucking risky as per the fucking pandemic, considering the numbers that CNN posts every goddamn day.

Just thank your wife so much for her work in increasing the death count. Let's hope she didn't catch this deadly disease from her platonic gf, or her new lover, and give it to you, your kids AND your parents.

I'm out.
 
whoa, whoa, whoa Dr Fauci....getting a little worked up in your bubble. We have NO idea testing and if these people are in a hot zone or how much testing they have or haven’t done. They could be orphans or have no living elders to be concerned with. AND i think the Squirt Dr might be getting a bad rap from a second/ 3rd conversation he might be a very nice guy just out there practicing his craft and made a few bad jokes.

And lastly ..CLEARLY you don’t know the power of the “ squirt “ to say it wasn’t worth the risk 😜😜 WHAT THE HELL you want people to have to go to Sweden to get a good squirting orgasm ???

AND LETS NOT FORGET the other Dr fauci OK‘d tinder hook ups. So has that changed ?

want to hear the funny part .....the wife works for the dept of health shutting down hair salons 😱🤣🤣. KIDDING 😉
but I wouldn’t doubt that happened out there somewhere.
 
dingedheart said:
AND LETS NOT FORGET the other Dr fauci OK‘d tinder hook ups.
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What does this mean? I'm on a media abstinence program since most of the post-election news has been nothing but dreadful. Now that the electors and the real leader of the party (Mitch McConnell) have spoken, I'm slowly venturing back into the news. Did I miss important Fauci commentary on casual sex???!!
 
You have the right to be upset but I’m confused about how you have directed those feeling. Why you aren’t upset about the systemic respect issues in your relationship. Damn the “alpha finger session”, you two have bigger fish to fry.

She broke previous agreements in your relationship. She sought to control you using COVID as an excuse while sneaking off on her own...

Regardless of what anyone here thinks about COVID, your wife clearly doesn’t care about it at all and is simply using it as a way to control you while she goes off to do whatever she wants to.

I would be livid about that, and wouldn’t be able to tolerate being treated that way in the future.
 
dingedheart said:
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I have to sign up to read that, but I did a Google.

  • Dr. Anthony Fauci told Vanity Fair that singles who want to hookup with a Tinder match could do it, but that it involves a relative risk.
  • Fauci said people should weigh the pros and cons of hooking up with the risk of becoming infected and consider that they could be asymptomatic carriers.
www.insider.com

Dr. Fauci says you can hook up with a Tinder match who doesn't have symptoms, but only if you're 'willing to take a risk'

In an interview with Vanity Fair, Dr. Anthony Fauci said that singles have to weigh the pros and cons of hooking up and potentially becoming ill.
www.insider.com www.insider.com

Where in this post did the OP say his wife considered the risks of hooking up with a stranger, get herself tested, ask him to get tested, see any results, while vetoing her husband seeing his gf, whose risk factors could be so much more clearly considered?

I get so angry at the young people who are just going ahead and crowding into clubs and shouting and dancing and sweating and breathing all over each other. I think this wife didn't assess any risks, of either her h's gf or her own Dr Squirt. She just barged ahead. In fact, I think she watched squirting porn videos with the OP just to get warmed up for the new guy. Ugh. So selfish.
 
FallenAngelina said:
Judging from what Mags posted, Dr. Fauci is giving casual sex the same guidelines as all the other get-togethers. There's no special dispensation for hooking up.
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Right! Of course he did. There is no "new Dr Fauci." That's a ridiculous claim. All of us in poly relationships have to maintain a strict bubble with our partners, or forgo seeing people outside our households, until Covid is fully under control, which will be much later in 2021, if we're lucky! Stop spreading disease and death. I don't understand people like this.
 
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