Out of the Basement

Everything seems to be working out.

Jess and Dawn are friendly, but mostly leave each other alone. I think that their personalities are quite different, despite the overlap in interests. There’s not a lot of communication going on.

The refrigerator in Dawn’s apartment died (it was unused for a while), which caused us to have to share a space for a bit, which Jess was fine with. Fortunately, I was reminded of a spare refrigerator that I had. We just had to figure out how to move it.

I find the sleeping arrangements a bit awkward, as I am trying to swap nights as fairly as possible. It’s just something that I am going to need to get used to. It reminds me a bit about one of those shows on polygamy where the guy swaps houses on a schedule.

My daughter, who’s very social, likes Dawn. I think that she’s a bit confused on her relationship with me. She told Jess that she “has two mommies now,” which obviously did not go over well. I am calling her Aunt Dawn to my daughter, my best friend to most, and my renter to those curious about my living arrangements.

A member, I think, of my recently joined church saw Dawn and I out together. I think they were a member anyway. They kind of just approached me and we all just acted like we were long lost friends for the next two hours. I have bad memory loss, so I kind of just roll with social situations as they come up.

Either way, I am trying to keep my relationship hidden from some areas of my life. I have half a mind to be as blatantly open as possible, but part of me thinks that would be bad for my daughter. It’s better that she doesn’t have to be the girl who has three parents/caregivers in school.
 
The move is finally over, as are my monthly flights across the country. I made 10 flights out to see Dawn in total. In a way, I am going to miss them. It closes a chapter in my life.

At Jess’ request, we ended up with a sleeping schedule for me. Monday and Friday with Jess, and Tuesday through Thursday with Dawn. Weekends are up to me, but will probably be based on whatever is going on that day. It’s not as awkward as I thought it was going to be.

So far, both have expressed that things are going well. I’m going to have to work on controlling my NRE. The first week I was spending quite a bit of time with Dawn, which is fine, but Jess mentioned it.
 
Jess is asking for balance in gift giving and dining out, as in she wants to get gifts, etc. when Dawn does. I think there’s some jealousy there, but I am not sure how to deal with it.

I am under the opinion that the relationships are separate and that they shouldn’t affect each other; however, that might be me dodging the issue. Since everyone is in close proximity to each other, it’s easy to see what the other is getting, and it might be a natural reaction.

It doesn’t help that my spending has been higher than usual lately. It’s not as bad as that time I bought 6 diamond earrings, but it’s still frivolous, which is very different from my usual miserliness.
 
I applaud Jess for asking for what she wants. Frequently, if you don't ask, you don't get. The flip side is, if you ask, the answer may be No. So asking can be a brave risk, so again, good on her.

What's holding you back from taking Dawn out to eat? What's holding you back from getting her meaningful gifts? Other than your usual misery nature? Because dealing with it would be easy if you wanted to say yes to those things.

Or are you not just spending more than usual, but totally overspending and can't do that for two people? In which case, I would suggest examining your overall relationship budget.

I overspent last year when starting to date Nevyn. This year, I've just had to tell him I need to put savings in the bank.my salary is quite a lot more humble than his and I was trying to match him dollar for dollar to make it fair. I can't. And you may tell Jess you want to spend money on her in different ways than dinner and presents, but then make sure she can see what those ways are so the envy doesn't build into resentment.
 
You’ve got me pegged. I am overspending on Dawn to the point that asking me for equality feels like I am burning money, especially since I am not as manic (to my knowledge). I save vastly more than I spend, so it’s not breaking the bank; however, sacrificing savings or investments feels basically sacrilegious.

Jess is a bit of a homebody, and when I buy things it’s usually when I am out exploring with Dawn. Gifts I have tried to keep equal.

This is definitely an issue that could lead to bad outcomes if I don’t handle it right.
 
So, open a new bank account, envelope system style, and put equivalent money in it and save up for something very big for Jess. Make it a joint account, but make it a savings account that you can't just spend will-he nil-he from, and have a shared goal for it, so it feels like a meaningful collaboration. That way you aren't immediately spending so it won't feel to you like you are burning money, but Jess can see that you and her have a savings goal that *will* be spent on her at some point in the future (not impossible to imagine future).
 
Evie said:
So, open a new bank account, envelope system style, and put equivalent money in it and save up for something very big for Jess. Make it a joint account, but make it a savings account that you can't just spend will-he nil-he from, and have a shared goal for it, so it feels like a meaningful collaboration. That way you aren't immediately spending so it won't feel to you like you are burning money, but Jess can see that you and her have a savings goal that *will* be spent on her at some point in the future (not impossible to imagine future).
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I think you are right. Once Dawn gets settled in with a job and some savings built up, I’ll be able to make things more equal. Right now, I’m carrying the lion’s share of costs.

Dawn and I have already discussed splitting costs for fun activities in the future; however, I’ll still handle most of the bills, etc. since there’s such an income and wealth disparity.

Till then, I think I need Jess to see that my spending on Dawn is a temporary solution; however, I can see how on the surface, it looks like I am taking Dawn out on a bunch of dates. In reality, Jess is invited, and it only becomes a date because she’s choosing to not come along.
 
azurebonds said:
Till then, I think I need Jess to see that my spending on Dawn is a temporary solution; however, I can see how on the surface, it looks like I am taking Dawn out on a bunch of dates. In reality, Jess is invited, and it only becomes a date because she’s choosing to not come along.
Click to expand...
It's probably not enough to invite Jess along to stuff that you and Dawn want to be doing. If she's not interested and stays home? Doesn't mean she doesn't want you attention. What you and Jess need to do is to figure out what Jess needs from your relationship, e.g. in terms of quality time with you, and do that. If she has what she needs, jealousy subsides and it doesn't matter if Dawn is getting something else. If she isn't happy in the relationship dyad, her frustration is gonna target both you (as anger or coldness) and Dawn (as jealousy). That's just how it works - each diad needs attention.
 
You may want to put more serious effort into your relationship with Jess. The gifts are just a symbol; Jess is asking for as much time and attention and appreciation as you devote to Dawn (or at least more than Jess is getting now). It's not about money or spending.

Spend some time "dating" Jess. Meaning, go places that she wants to go, or if she's a homebody, then spend time staying in with her, just her, not Dawn also.

Jess has been a really good sport about all this. Don't dismiss her feelings as "jealousy."
 
I guess it’s wrong to call it jealousy since she’s told me that she’s not bothered by me being intimate with Dawn, which could have been a bigger issue. If poly is an identity, not just a relationship structure, she’d be it.

It’s also true to say that inviting her to things that have historically been just my daughter and I, which Dawn now enjoys, is probably not fair to Jess.

I talked to her. We are going to try to do something together as just the two of us once a week. We haven’t really had that since our daughter was born.

The reason that I spend on Dawn is because she moved out here and is job hunting. Once she has a job, we can split entertainment costs more equally. Also, I have been buying her furniture, which is replacing the things I asked her to leave behind in the move. Those purchases are done.

I likely still am manic. I have yet to stop shopping for jewelry, which has become somewhat of an obsession of mine. I might be focusing on the wrong expenses as a way to avoid my own shortcomings. All totaled, I am $30k over budget.
 
Jess and my date night is now Monday. Dawn has generously agreed to watch my daughter during.

Dawn and I have dates on Sunday afternoons. On Saturdays, she and I go out with my daughter. Jess can, but chooses not to, come out on Saturday.

I think that this will work out.
 
Being in the closet sucks. I am sitting here with Jess’ parents and trying to maintain the illusion that I only have one relationship, something that I will likely pretend is the case till they are gone. This weekend, I will keep up the pretense with my own family. This is likely my path for the next 20+ years. Part of me wants to throw caution to the wind and light a fire just to see what burns.
 
It’s Dawn’s and my first anniversary. The NRE is still going strong.

I’ve adjusted my schedule to better ensure that both relationships can flourish. Jess and I date on Monday’s and Friday's now, where the latter is more of a family outing and the former is just the two of us.

Sunday is Dawn and my date day, whereas Saturday is dedicated to my daughter.

It’s been a very strange, but happy, year.
 
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I realized today that Jess and I have forgotten how to talk to each other. We’ve been so focused on our daughter that we never made time for each other. I think think it’s repairable, but it’s probably going to take a lot of effort.
 
Well, drama has officially started with my in-laws. They are raising concerns about Dawn being a stranger and my daughter being in the house with her. I am apparently endangering my daughter.

I don’t think outing our relationship is the right answer, but beyond that, I am not sure what to do.

I am also not too happy about some of the assumptions being made about Dawn.

Jess is going to put her thoughts together and let me know where she stands.

Dawn has nothing to worry about, but I may be getting flak.
 
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