Out of the Basement

Tinwen said:
You met Dawn during an episode of mania with psychotic elements? :O
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Yeah. We met at roughly the same time that I had my mental break. It definitely threw fuel on the fire with the NRE. I was not treated then, and I engaged in a lot of risk, had no real spending limits, and was very rapidly getting piercings, from 0 to 14 in that year.

Dawn and I had become good friends very quickly. Not long after, it became apparent that we had feelings for each other. This was all disclosed to Jess as it happened and she gave the go ahead to have the relationship.

For a brief period after, I couldn’t believe that everything that had happened. It didn’t seem real. For about a day, part of me wondered if Dawn existed. I was having some hallucinations at the time, so it seemed reasonable to question it.

Once the relationship became official, I flew out to see her every month. She’d pick me up after work around midnight. Every one of those weekends was very passionate, and basically a non-stop date. It was all a lot of fun, and I was sad to see that part of the relationship come to an end, but now we have each other every day.
 
“It’s not NRE, it’s love.”

I had a great day going out with Dawn, and I had a good, productive conversation with Jess.

We’ve come to an understanding that time is not always going to be 50-50, and that’s ok. None of us need to feel guilty if we are falling into patterns that aren’t equal. She wants to spend time gaming with her friends. That’s fine. That just leaves time for Dawn and I. This doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be with Jess. It’s that I am allowing her space. That space, at least for me, is just being filled with Dawn. We want to spend time together. As Dawn said, “It’s not NRE, it’s love.”

It’s also the healthiest outcome for my daughter. We, the adults, get to have what we need and she doesn’t have to have her family life disrupted.

As for my in-laws, Dawn is just a friend. Beyond that it’s none of their business.
 
Jess is asking for more balance in where I sleep and more communication. I haven’t slept in the same bed with her in a week. This is partly due to having my sleep apnea device being setup in Dawn’s room. It’s also due to Jess not going to bed until well after midnight. She’s going to have to make some space for me to get good sleep there.

I suppose that I do spend a lot of time with Dawn. We spend a large part of Sunday together, as well as after work on weekdays and almost every evening after my daughter goes to bed. I would like to point out that Jess is often gaming during these times. Maybe it’s unfair, but if she wants more time, she’s going to have to free some up for me.

I consider these to be existing problems. I think she’s noticing it more because of Dawn. I don’t want my relationship with her to be impacted by mine with Dawn. I guess the cracks in my marriage are starting to show now that Dawn and my relationship can be used for comparison.
 
Jess and I talked through it. She’s feeling like I spend time with her out of obligation, not desire. It’s not the case, but I can see why she might feel that way. I have somewhat defaulted to spending time with Dawn. I might need to adjust our schedule to ensure that both Jess and Dawn can spend time with me each day.
 
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You mentioned you were going to buy a new game to play with Jess. Did that eventuate?
 
Evie said:
You mentioned you were going to buy a new game to play with Jess. Did that eventuate?
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Yeah. We play Baldur’s Gate 3 on Mondays if we don’t go out. That’s our date day. We’ve missed the last two though.

I’ve talked to her a lot today. I think things are going to be ok. We just need to find opportunities to spend time together, even if it means bringing our daughter along.
 
Jess and I met in college through her roommate and longtime friend. In short, this roommate was crushing on me, but I ended up with Jess. A lot of drama ensued, coming to an end at college graduation.

I both proposed to and later married her in the same garden, which has a large bell tower in the center. She had gone to this garden annually since she was a child, so it seemed like the perfect place. She, however, once we got there, was so excitedly taking pictures that I couldn’t get her to stand still long enough to actually propose. Finally, defeated, I sat down on a chair under the tower and she next to me. She bumped the ring in my pocket as she sat. She said, “What’s that?” and immediately blushed. I don’t really remember what I said after, but she, with hands over her eyes, nodded, “Yes.”

Most of the years are a bit of a blur. Jess and I would often go out to the local theme park for entertainment, but mostly those years had us working opposite schedules.

Neither of us really had money then. We moved from apartment to apartment, initially in one that was very cheap and gradually to ones more upscale. Finally, I bought a house, which needed a lot of work. This was during the downturn and prices were rock bottom. It was a very fortunate move as later I was able to pay it off through much sacrifice, as well upgrade it and sell it for substantially more than I paid. I would have similar luck with later real estate and stock. As Dawn says, I was failing upwards.

I then had what I know now was a manic episode…
 
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azurebonds said:
Finally, I bought a house, which needed a lot of work. This was during the downturn and prices were rock bottom. It was a very fortunate move as later I was able to pay it off through much sacrifice, as well upgrade it and sell it for substantially more than I paid.
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Out of curiosity, why is this in first person singular? You and Jess have been together since college, rented progressive places together, but suddenly when it comes to buying and renovating you're using I rather than we. Why is that?
 
Evie said:
Out of curiosity, why is this in first person singular? You and Jess have been together since college, rented progressive places together, but suddenly when it comes to buying and renovating you're using I rather than we. Why is that?
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My income dwarfs hers because I am in a well-paying field. Rather than splitting bills equally, I believe that things should be split based upon the ability to pay. By the time that I could afford a house, she was no longer paying bills. From that point forward, she kept her earnings as her money. With my money, I invested and eliminated debt. So, financially I see us each being separate.
 
azurebonds said:
My income dwarfs hers because I am in a well-paying field. Rather than splitting bills equally, I believe that things should be split based upon the ability to pay. By the time that I could afford a house, she was no longer paying bills. From that point forward, she kept her earnings as her money. With my money, I invested and eliminated debt. So, financially I see us each being separate.
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Did you ever see your marriage as a partnership?
 
Evie said:
Did you ever see your marriage as a partnership?
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Not with money. We’ve always been separate there. In my opinion, it’s good for partners to have financial independence. It means that no one is trapped in the relationship by money. It makes decisions cleaner and mostly prevents fighting over money.
 
azurebonds said:
Not with money. We’ve always been separate there. In my opinion, it’s good for partners to have financial independence. It means that no one is trapped in the relationship by money. It makes decisions cleaner and mostly prevents fighting over money.
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Does Jess still work? You say she doesn't contribute to bills anymore (because you are wealthy enough that it doesn't matter, right?) Is she investing any money, too? Building her own wealth? Or earning just enough for personal spending?
 
Evie said:
Does Jess still work? You say she doesn't contribute to bills anymore (because you are wealthy enough that it doesn't matter, right?) Is she investing any money, too? Building her own wealth? Or earning just enough for personal spending?
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Since our daughter was born, I have been paying her to be a SAHM.

She prefers to spend her money, not to invest. She likes to go to conventions and also have art commissioned. She’s really into decorating.

She used to spend excessively, constantly going into debt. I put a stop to that since her debt is my debt by marriage.
 
Please understand the curiosity, I'm just experiencing some of my own financial challenges right now so am endeavouring to understand how different households work with disparate income.
 
Evie said:
Please understand the curiosity, I'm just experiencing some of my own financial challenges right now so am endeavouring to understand how different households work with disparate income.
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Feel free to ask. What are you experiencing?
 
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