Out of the Basement

[azurebonds]

Jess, Dawn and I reconfirmed that we are going forward with the April cross country move.

Jess told me that she does not foresee us breaking up. Should we find that we are incompatible, we have agreed to coparent our daughter together in the same house.

Jess has indicated that she would like to explore her newly discovered bisexual side. It’s unclear, but I think she would want a separate partner. This may raise challenges with our current setup, as both Dawn and I want to avoid the possibility of STD risk by keeping the system closed. I am thinking that Jess is not as onboard with that as she has indicated.

Dawn and I have solidified our positions as sub and dom, respectively.

 

[azurebonds]

Jess just wants the option to explore her bisexuality. She doesn’t have any partners in mind at the moment and fully acknowledges that it’s unlikely to happen in the near future.

I think our initial thoughts of polyfidelity were too hasty. I am not actively seeking new partners, nor is Dawn; however, as long as Jess is open with us, she’s free to explore without disrupting the relationship. That being said, I will likely switch back to protection with her or avoid sex altogether should that happen.

Dawn and I are absolutely infatuated with each other. We have expressed that we are at risk of losing other relationships and interests if we don’t find a good balance.

 

[icesong]

Dawn and I are absolutely infatuated with each other. We have expressed that we are at risk of losing other relationships and interests if we don’t find a good balance.

Kink has a way of doing that, I’ve found. I think it’s the combination of what’s basically on some levels like those trust-fall exercises one sees at conferences, with sex endorphins… can be absolutely addictive, in all senses of the word.

 

[azurebonds]

Dawn and I spent a lot of time talking today about the past and our histories. At least from my perspective, I am feeling some emotional improvement, or even acceptance, of my likely trauma-induced concerns.

Kink has a way of doing that, I’ve found. I think it’s the combination of what’s basically on some levels like those trust fall exercises one sees at conferences with sex endorphins… can be absolutely addictive in all senses of the word.

She and I also talked about what we are each getting from our BDSM dynamic. The core of it is more trust in each other. We seem to be like healing salves for each other.

Jess and I have discussed it a bit in the past, but she has no interest in it.

 

[azurebonds]

Jess says that she’s content with one partner for the present. She wants to work on both herself and us before she even goes down that route. She doesn’t foresee the desire to do so, but she wants the option, which she has.

Dawn said, “[F]alling madly in love and entering a polyamorous relationship with a kinky millionaire from [X] was most certainly not on my bingo card for 2024.”

Both have expressed openness to becoming friends with the other if it happens naturally.

 

[Albert Ross]

“[F]alling madly in love and entering a polyamorous relationship with a kinky millionaire from [X] was most certainly not on my bingo card for 2024.”

Hang on, adding this to my bingo card.

 

[azurebonds]

I have started reading the Ethical Slut. I was happy that discussion was not specific to one gender or sexuality, but neutral to them. I also liked the reclaiming of language. It does seem like there are a lot of cultural biases implicit in many terms. They’re probably the source of most of my hangups, as I often feel that I am in the wrong, despite everyone’s expressed consent and happiness with the direction that we are going.

 

[azurebonds]

I left went on my second weekend trip to see Dawn on Friday.

I felt a bit conflicted about leaving my daughter for these trips. After a lot of thought and some self-accusations that I am a bad parent, I think it’s ultimately a good thing. The trips are the first time that I’ve ever been away from her, as I am in the house during the day. It shows my daughter that I can go away and come back, and that she can self-soothe. It shows Jess that she can take care of her without me. It shows me that I am allowed ‘me’ time.

Dawn and I further examined the sub/dom dynamics this weekend. It became abundantly clear as we watched the movie, ‘The Secretary.’ I didn’t care for the ending, but we see ourselves in the main characters.

Our private interactions and communication are always sexually charged with control and degradation on one hand with a desire to please and submit on the other.

I am now further convinced that both the sub and the dom have power. It’s a give and take with consent built in. The sub can just as easily escalate as the dom. It’s a power game played out on a mental level far before sex ever occurs. We both seem to want to deepen this dynamic into other private, as between her and my, areas of life.

We didn’t make use of them this weekend, but we now have a miniature horde of BDSM toys.

 

[azurebonds]

I had a lot of discussion with Jess last night.

She and I clearly have some unresolved mental health issues and trauma. We’re going to take the next year to work on them together and with our doctors before Dawn moves into our spare apartment.

She’s 100% supportive of Dawn’s relationship with me, which clearly makes me happy. Neither of us consider Dawn to be a bandaid to our marriage. It’ll stand or fall on its own merits, but our daughter will always be our priority.

Jess is going to work on herself before even considering having another relationship.

All three of us have a bad past. I think we can draw on that to act with compassion and interpret one another charitably.

For me, I am going to keep moving forward. I am feeling much more calm these days. I am honestly trying to piece together the last few months. It was very chaotic and a lot of it is hard for me to remember. I can only say that I am happy with where things are and where they are going.

 

[azurebonds]

I have never had a person in my life where I can completely drop my guard. I feel that with Dawn. Whether NRE or not, and there certainly is some, I feel comfortable with her, trust her and know that we are capable of resolving any issues that arise.

Both Jess and Dawn have been very supportive. Jess is working on giving me alone time with Dawn, both over the phone and in person, and has been helping to prepare the apartment for her. Dawn and I have been talking nightly. We are developing our D/s position over the phone and during my monthly visits. We are also talking through any issues that arise due to our past and LDR.

I am enjoying the trips, which feel like miniature vacations to some extent. I fly out on Fridays and back on Mondays. Dawn picks me up after work, which I try to time my flight for. We go on a series of dates, punctuated by, to be frank, debauchery. So much, in fact, that it’s hard to keep track. We have such good chemistry, in text, in person and otherwise.

I am paying special attention to Jess as well. I am pushing us to go out more with my daughter and trying to be more affectionate when we’re together.

I am honestly surprised how well things are working out. So much so that my paranoia is through the roof.

 

[Magdlyn]

I have never had a person in my life where I can completely drop my guard.

Including Jess?

I am paying special attention to Jess as well. I am pushing us to go out more with my daughter

With "my" daughter? I thought she was also Jess's daughter.

Do you also get a sitter and take Jess out on nice dates?

and trying to be more affectionate when we’re together.

Trying? Do you and Jess not show affection now, or have sex? I saw that you seemed perfectly willing to forego sex with her altogether if she found another sexual partner.

I am honestly surprised how well things are working out. So much so that my paranoia is through the roof.

Can you explain how well things are going with Jess? You don't have to. This is your blog and it's okay to just talk about whatever you want. I am just curious if you're not at the gates of poly hell, and/or breaking up with Jess, hence your paranoia.

 

[azurebonds]

Including Jess?

With "my" daughter? I thought she was also Jess's daughter.

Do you also get a sitter and take Jess out on nice dates?

Trying? Do you and Jess not show affection now, or have sex? I saw that you seemed perfectly willing to forego sex with her altogether if she found another sexual partner.

Can you explain how well things are going with Jess? You don't have to. This is your blog and it's okay to just talk about whatever you want. I am just curious if you're not at the gates of poly hell, and/or breaking up with Jess, hence your paranoia.

I thought it best to ask Jess some questions and, with her permission, share them.

How would you describe me as a father?

you're a really good father, you're always putting her first, and you do your best to giver her experiences, i would just say that both of us need to get better at having patience when she's being difficult. But you put her first and you try and keep things fun and play along and thats wonderful

How would you describe me as a husband?

very, very patient, and supportive. even when i take it for granted you try and build a good life for us, and i'm not ever thankful enough for what you've done and accomplished.

Do you feel “demoted” because of Dawn?

not demoted, really? my tendency to get lost in myself/my head and lose track of things outside of me had just selfishly grown accustomed to having all of you, even when i wasn't taking advantage of it and i think that same selfishness finds it awkward to share now, but not in a bad way, just in a "well stop and think, you weren't spending that time with him all day every day before, its ok to share now." as long as i still get time when i request it, ie movie nights and stuff, i think that weirdness will fade as i grow acclimated

We did not feel comfortable during the initial years of covid to use a sitter, so those aren’t muscles we’ve developed. We do go out together with our daughter on occasion, but I am often doing that alone.

We show affection (e.g. hugging and kissing). Sex is rare. She has an extremely low drive and considers herself demisexual, if not asexual. She has told me in the past that she just doesn’t think about it, but enjoys it when it happens.

As for sex and partners, we have to consider 3 people in this situation. We’ve all been tested, I have gotten a vasectomy and protection is not being used. So, adding in additional people risks spreading disease, even if treatable. Beyond this, there are more psychological factors at play here that are far beyond the scope of this reply.

 

[Magdlyn]

Thanks for answering.

So, Jess has certain psychological issues and doesn't like going out much, and doesn't crave sex. No wonder you're so excited about Dawn. That makes sense.

You go out all together as a family with your daughter rarely, and never go out on dates one-on-one with Jess. Covid has been over a while, and you've got millions in the bank, apparently, but it didn't occur to you to hire a sitter (or even a nanny) until now.

If Jess is introverted, there are places you could go that wouldn't involve much in the way of tiring social interactions. I am just talking from my own POV, but I find it's important to get out of the house as a family and as a couple. I find it cheering to get out of the four walls, no matter how opulent the house may be.

She may not feel demoted, and that's great. Maybe she's just kinda checked out of everything and you're taking care of yourself. I can't tell. It's not my business; I am just curious. In polyamory we learn to be wary of NRE leading to breakups of the original couple, if things aren't kept in balance. But it sounds like you and Jess are both prepared to just coparent and consider yourselves friends or roommates anyway.

Is this really polyamory then? I am not sure. It sounds more like a soft landing situation type deal from here.

 

[azurebonds]

It’s not that hiring a nanny did not occur to me. It’s that I disagreed that covid was over. I also don’t want to leave my kid with a stranger if I can help it, especially if there is a risk of CSA. Furthermore, I am incredibly frugal, one might even say miserly.

Introversion is not Jess’ issue. She has a hard time breaking away from her hobbies. Let’s just say she’s prone to hyperfixation.

Is this really polyamory then? I am not sure. It sounds more like a soft landing situation type deal from here.

Given that this is how my marriage has been since the beginning, either I was never in a monogamous relationship or this is polyamory. Does polyamory mean having multiple romantic loves? If so, then that’s what it is. If it means having multiple sexual partners, then it is, technically. I would not consider us roommates.

 

[azurebonds]

I am so proud of Dawn for really pushing her GED studies and working with me to navigate her debt challenges. It looks like bankruptcy is the best option, since there’s little incentive on the hospitals to waive it. I am extending “boyfriend credit” to allow her to empty savings to pay the legal bills while not having to worry about emergencies. I did chip in a little bit, which she didn’t ask for, but it’s a gift. I would rather not have people that I care about stress about money. I have had enough of that for one lifetime.

Jess is showing vast improvement on her new medication. She’s becoming more driven and is really starting to help me plan for our daughter. It’s hard to realize that she’s a kid now, not a toddler or a baby. The baby to toddler transition was a lot easier. It’s hard not to see her as a toddler. I guess that’s what people mean when they say that they still see their little girl/boy.

 

[azurebonds]

The thing about Dawn is that we have such a mental connection. It’s not that we are the same, it’s that we are complementary. In virtually all aspects, we just mesh or “blend.” The sex, which is awesome, is entirely secondary to that foundation. In fact, it would not have occurred without it.

I don’t have that mental connection with Jess. We are probably the perfect case of ‘opposites attract.’ I have always had trouble understanding her motivations and her, me. All relationships have struggles and ours are serious, but we’ll work through them. We care about each other and we are bound through our daughter. We don’t need to attempt to fill all needs; a person doesn’t need to be everything to their partner. That’s one of the beauties of polyamory. We can be fulfilled without pressuring a single person to be more than they are.

 

[azurebonds]

I am enjoying family time these days. It’s nice to go out and just watch our daughter together as she’s learning and playing. She’s more independent, and Jess and I are able to talk more.

I came to the realization that I am missing a lot of memories. Jess and I are going to start going through photo albums together, maybe with our daughter. It’ll be good to talk through our stories.

It’s Dawn and my 3rd month! We’re breaking from many of our hangups in the past, wiping away old debts and prepping for the move. Dawn’s well on her way to her GED and I am so proud of her.

 

[azurebonds]

TLDR: I flew out to see Dawn. I’d recommend. Will visit again.

I flew out to see Dawn over the weekend. We explored objectifying, binding and degrading her, and then rewarding her with an oil massage. She was punished for misreading while being aggressively stimulated. On a couple occasions she was merely a sex toy.

I will admit getting some perverse pleasure from causing her top floor neighbor and friend to turn on and up their music.

 

[azureGF]

TLDR: I flew out to see Dawn. I’d recommend. Will visit again.

I flew out to see Dawn over the weekend. We explored objectifying, binding and degrading her, and then rewarding her with an oil massage. She was punished for misreading while being aggressively stimulated. On a couple occasions she was merely a sex toy.

I will admit getting some perverse pleasure from causing her top floor neighbor and friend to turn on and up their music.

It was a really nice weekend of exploration and connection.

Plus I got to try a handcuffed scenario that had only been fantasy before, and realized it was very satisfying and left some physical reminders for a few days after. Definitely open to trying more.

 

[Evie]

I will admit getting some perverse pleasure from causing her top floor neighbor and friend to turn on and up their music.

Hahaha, I hope at least one of you took said neighbour and friend a "sorry (not sorry)" bottle of whatever they prefer to drink since then.