Wow. It's August 2016. I haven't been back in forever. I came back because my journey with Audrey seems over. We broke up last week and I'm devastated. That's not even the word. Decimated.
I should probably go back a bit before this to explain how it happened.
Audrey and I started dating not so long after my divorce. I'd already dated someone else before her, so it wasn't a total rebound.
She was 19 (23 now) and I was 41 (44 now). She had no clue what she wanted to do with her life and was living with her parents. She hadn't finished high school for medical reasons.
I've written a blog in the life stories section, but we've forged what I thought was an amazing relationship over the last three years. Now it's over and I'm more crushed by this than by my divorce from my ex-wife of 14 years.
What happened? Sometime in 2015 Audrey began talking to a guy from some dating app...Tinder, OKCupid, something...whose name is Anthony. Young guy. Not really doing much with his life. Has a bunch of anxiety and depression issues similar to her. I didn't realize how deep they had gotten for awhile. It's been so long, you'll have to forgive me, I'm going on memory. I have a vague memory of seeing something she wrote to him by accident that was romantic and being super surprised.
Anywho, in January of 2016, he saved up the money to come see her. Remember, she's still living with me and things are fine. I remember being both excited and scared for her about the whole thing. I drove her to the motel he stayed at downtown. Fleabag place but that doesn't matter when you're in love I guess. This is going to make me sound like a dick, but halfway through the visit, I decide that I can't take it. She comes back to get some clothes, I tell her look. I'm sorry, but this is how I feel. I can't be polyamorous any more. I can't face losing you.
Well she goes in to full convulsion mode and I tried to calm her down. There was some bargaining, but ultimately I stood firm and said I knew what I needed for me...but would respect her for whatever she needed to do. She chose me. We said we'd try it for a year and see how it went being monogamous. About 2 or 3 months passed.
Of course I had to fuck it up. The political season was upon us and I started making a lot of political Facebook posts. This attracted someone that I'd been watching for awhile, but wasn't sure if she liked me. Turns out she did. Really cute, professionally accomplished, fun to hang out with. Although very intense. I liked that because people have accused me of the same thing and it just means I'm engaged and interested. She knew I was dating Audrey, but I had to explain polyamory to her. She wasn't completely sold, but I explained that she couldn't expect me to be exclusive just from one date. That convinced her...so she invited me up to a charity poker game where we had a lot of fun. It was a work thing for her, but also benefited a charity that she's worked hard to support for a long time - suicide prevention. I'll name her Rachel.
That date was amazing. We went out to eat afterwards at a cool little dive bar where a party behind us thought we'd just gotten married because of how we were dressed. She lives about 2 hours away, so she invited me to stay the night. She initiated sex and it was delicious. I stayed the weekend and then headed home. Over the period of a month I went up to see her 3 more times and we had a blast. The topic of polyamory came up more than once. Rachel told me that she was having schoolgirl fantasies (her words) about us...and really enjoying our time together. But if someone came along who was willing to devote 100% of themselves to her...then she'd be out. I can respect that. Of course I can respect that. That's how I felt with Audrey before I backtracked.
Well of course with someone as wonderful as Rachel, someone did come along. But not before Rachel and I had a long talk where she talked to me about how Audrey wasn't good for me. No, it wasn't like it sounds. She was going over with me what was destructive in my life and what was working and how Audrey fit into that. She did ask me to leave Audrey for her. I couldn't do it. I loved Audrey too much. I discussed all this after the fact with Audrey and things settled back in as they were before Rachel. I told Audrey that if things didn't work with Rachel that I'd want to go back to monogamy. This is a big part of the story.
Now that things were over with Rachel, here's where things started to take a bad turn with Audrey and me. As we were poly again, she started back up with Anthony. She never told me she had, nor did I have any hints or indications. I thought we were back to being monogamous. About 2 months later, Audrey was getting hit on by a friend she'd known for a long time that happened to be our server at a restaurant one day. When we got home she talked about how she'd like to hang out with him as a friend, but she knew he'd want sex...and she didn't want that. I encouraged her to hang out, because she wanted more friends, but to make the boundaries clear. She decided not to do that, which was fine. But it led to another discussion - she let me know that she thought we were still poly. I was crushed.
Now let me just say. It's not about who was right. I'd said we'd go back to monogamy, but I didn't check in with her about it. She just went back to being poly...and never discussed it.
And here we have the fuck up: I told her that I wanted us to be monogamous again. Things had been great between us. Sex was great. Times had been hard...we've had no working water for 4 months and no gas stove for 3. Very low on funds for going out and having fun, but we've made do and enjoyed being together with our pets. Well once I told her that I wanted to be monogamous again...she started having an anxiety attack. I comforted her for 20 minutes, but I had to go see a client about some money and couldn't stay. Like so many times before, I told her to have her mother or sister come over to calm her down, since I couldn't stay. Remember, the end of our first date ever...ended with her having anxiety about me leaving and I was the best thing to calm her down throughout our relationship.
When I came back from my meeting she was out with her Mom and sister...and seemed ok. She stayed out with them for three or four hours and when she came back....BAM! She dumped me completely.
Done. Over. She had boxes and already had her mom and sister getting her stuff from our...well now my...house. She told me that she knew it would be hard, but she had to do it for independence. And because she felt like she was losing sense of self in the relationship. Our first talk at that time was for about 5 minutes tops. Which left me even more devastated.
This person that I have devoted my life to...decides in an instant that we can only be friends...and even that will take some time. WHAT??? I've supported you not just financially...but emotionally and intellectually too! Can't we even work on the relationship? How is moving back in with your parents MORE independent? I've been trying to get you to get a job and to study for your GED...and now, somehow, doing those away from your adult partner...is constricting? I just don't get it. Can someone PLEASE explain it to me?
I'm utterly devastated. We've shared so much and done so many things in this 3 years of being together. My love for her has made me make a lot of choices in those three years that weren't the best for me...but that contributed to the relationship....now all that sacrifice...wasted. All that history wasted. Like it was worth nothing. All I do now is sit around and watch television...watch porn...and go through the motions. I have nobody to lean on. All family dead. No friends. I'm working to get my law license back. And I have to take care of all these pets we got together that continue to remind me of her. I love them dearly and would be even more alone without them, but it's work. And she's wanting visitation with them. She can't keep them because her parents rent a house with a no pets policy. Ugh. She's said that we can be friends and that she wants to help me through this. Also that there are still romantic feelings, but she doesn't feel like the relationship is right for her. I just don't get it. I'm encouraging her to be whomever she wants to be. I'm giving her no restrictions and am willing to go back to being poly. Hell, she can even live with her parents and we can just casually date. But she's said no to that too. I can't wrap my head around it.
So here I am. No money to go out and get out of my funk. No motivation to do anything. Utterly love lorn. And considering some unhealthy things (directed towards myself).
What a wonderful life I have.
I should probably go back a bit before this to explain how it happened.
Audrey and I started dating not so long after my divorce. I'd already dated someone else before her, so it wasn't a total rebound.
She was 19 (23 now) and I was 41 (44 now). She had no clue what she wanted to do with her life and was living with her parents. She hadn't finished high school for medical reasons.
I've written a blog in the life stories section, but we've forged what I thought was an amazing relationship over the last three years. Now it's over and I'm more crushed by this than by my divorce from my ex-wife of 14 years.
What happened? Sometime in 2015 Audrey began talking to a guy from some dating app...Tinder, OKCupid, something...whose name is Anthony. Young guy. Not really doing much with his life. Has a bunch of anxiety and depression issues similar to her. I didn't realize how deep they had gotten for awhile. It's been so long, you'll have to forgive me, I'm going on memory. I have a vague memory of seeing something she wrote to him by accident that was romantic and being super surprised.
Anywho, in January of 2016, he saved up the money to come see her. Remember, she's still living with me and things are fine. I remember being both excited and scared for her about the whole thing. I drove her to the motel he stayed at downtown. Fleabag place but that doesn't matter when you're in love I guess. This is going to make me sound like a dick, but halfway through the visit, I decide that I can't take it. She comes back to get some clothes, I tell her look. I'm sorry, but this is how I feel. I can't be polyamorous any more. I can't face losing you.
Well she goes in to full convulsion mode and I tried to calm her down. There was some bargaining, but ultimately I stood firm and said I knew what I needed for me...but would respect her for whatever she needed to do. She chose me. We said we'd try it for a year and see how it went being monogamous. About 2 or 3 months passed.
Of course I had to fuck it up. The political season was upon us and I started making a lot of political Facebook posts. This attracted someone that I'd been watching for awhile, but wasn't sure if she liked me. Turns out she did. Really cute, professionally accomplished, fun to hang out with. Although very intense. I liked that because people have accused me of the same thing and it just means I'm engaged and interested. She knew I was dating Audrey, but I had to explain polyamory to her. She wasn't completely sold, but I explained that she couldn't expect me to be exclusive just from one date. That convinced her...so she invited me up to a charity poker game where we had a lot of fun. It was a work thing for her, but also benefited a charity that she's worked hard to support for a long time - suicide prevention. I'll name her Rachel.
That date was amazing. We went out to eat afterwards at a cool little dive bar where a party behind us thought we'd just gotten married because of how we were dressed. She lives about 2 hours away, so she invited me to stay the night. She initiated sex and it was delicious. I stayed the weekend and then headed home. Over the period of a month I went up to see her 3 more times and we had a blast. The topic of polyamory came up more than once. Rachel told me that she was having schoolgirl fantasies (her words) about us...and really enjoying our time together. But if someone came along who was willing to devote 100% of themselves to her...then she'd be out. I can respect that. Of course I can respect that. That's how I felt with Audrey before I backtracked.
Well of course with someone as wonderful as Rachel, someone did come along. But not before Rachel and I had a long talk where she talked to me about how Audrey wasn't good for me. No, it wasn't like it sounds. She was going over with me what was destructive in my life and what was working and how Audrey fit into that. She did ask me to leave Audrey for her. I couldn't do it. I loved Audrey too much. I discussed all this after the fact with Audrey and things settled back in as they were before Rachel. I told Audrey that if things didn't work with Rachel that I'd want to go back to monogamy. This is a big part of the story.
Now that things were over with Rachel, here's where things started to take a bad turn with Audrey and me. As we were poly again, she started back up with Anthony. She never told me she had, nor did I have any hints or indications. I thought we were back to being monogamous. About 2 months later, Audrey was getting hit on by a friend she'd known for a long time that happened to be our server at a restaurant one day. When we got home she talked about how she'd like to hang out with him as a friend, but she knew he'd want sex...and she didn't want that. I encouraged her to hang out, because she wanted more friends, but to make the boundaries clear. She decided not to do that, which was fine. But it led to another discussion - she let me know that she thought we were still poly. I was crushed.
Now let me just say. It's not about who was right. I'd said we'd go back to monogamy, but I didn't check in with her about it. She just went back to being poly...and never discussed it.
And here we have the fuck up: I told her that I wanted us to be monogamous again. Things had been great between us. Sex was great. Times had been hard...we've had no working water for 4 months and no gas stove for 3. Very low on funds for going out and having fun, but we've made do and enjoyed being together with our pets. Well once I told her that I wanted to be monogamous again...she started having an anxiety attack. I comforted her for 20 minutes, but I had to go see a client about some money and couldn't stay. Like so many times before, I told her to have her mother or sister come over to calm her down, since I couldn't stay. Remember, the end of our first date ever...ended with her having anxiety about me leaving and I was the best thing to calm her down throughout our relationship.
When I came back from my meeting she was out with her Mom and sister...and seemed ok. She stayed out with them for three or four hours and when she came back....BAM! She dumped me completely.
Done. Over. She had boxes and already had her mom and sister getting her stuff from our...well now my...house. She told me that she knew it would be hard, but she had to do it for independence. And because she felt like she was losing sense of self in the relationship. Our first talk at that time was for about 5 minutes tops. Which left me even more devastated.
This person that I have devoted my life to...decides in an instant that we can only be friends...and even that will take some time. WHAT??? I've supported you not just financially...but emotionally and intellectually too! Can't we even work on the relationship? How is moving back in with your parents MORE independent? I've been trying to get you to get a job and to study for your GED...and now, somehow, doing those away from your adult partner...is constricting? I just don't get it. Can someone PLEASE explain it to me?
I'm utterly devastated. We've shared so much and done so many things in this 3 years of being together. My love for her has made me make a lot of choices in those three years that weren't the best for me...but that contributed to the relationship....now all that sacrifice...wasted. All that history wasted. Like it was worth nothing. All I do now is sit around and watch television...watch porn...and go through the motions. I have nobody to lean on. All family dead. No friends. I'm working to get my law license back. And I have to take care of all these pets we got together that continue to remind me of her. I love them dearly and would be even more alone without them, but it's work. And she's wanting visitation with them. She can't keep them because her parents rent a house with a no pets policy. Ugh. She's said that we can be friends and that she wants to help me through this. Also that there are still romantic feelings, but she doesn't feel like the relationship is right for her. I just don't get it. I'm encouraging her to be whomever she wants to be. I'm giving her no restrictions and am willing to go back to being poly. Hell, she can even live with her parents and we can just casually date. But she's said no to that too. I can't wrap my head around it.
So here I am. No money to go out and get out of my funk. No motivation to do anything. Utterly love lorn. And considering some unhealthy things (directed towards myself).
What a wonderful life I have.