Poly and pregnancy.

heartoflove

New member
Hello,

It's my first time posting on here and I'm hoping to get some advice on my situation.

I became part of a polycule. Two people married and myself as the new member. We all made it clear that we had separate relationships with each other and also enjoyed our energy all together. I understand that they made it clear that in polyamory that there is not a hierarchy within how they do poly which is important to me.

They used to live where I live and now they live out of state and I went to visit for the first time. They we're very kind about wanting me to come live there with them. During my trip I found out that they were trying to get pregnant and it really threw me off. I know I talked about them and if they might want kids and they said they did. I understood that to be in the far future and not in the near future. I was really thrown off realizing that they were not using protection and trying (but not trying hard) for a child and could be pregnant. I felt hurt that it wasn't throughly discussed with me. I feel like our dynamic is new enough that I'm not sure how we all fit into each others lives. Right now, I feel deeply opposed to children and I've always had a no child policy for dating. They have made it very clear that I don't have to be involved in the child's life but, I don't see how that's a possibility and being partners with them. I imagined us living together and I don't feel comfortable living with a child. I also, don't see how they will have time for me when the child is born.

My ideal of what I would have liked is to move up there either with them or close to them and be able to be nomadic with them. Backpack the world, be able to go to festivals, decide to leave on a whim for a month to create art at artist residency, and be free and wild. To me it sounds like they're settling down to have a family though one of them keeps telling me that they aren't settling down and that he wouldn't settle down.

There's a lot of other factors coming up that makes this even more convoluted but, I don't feel like I can share them on here at this time.

I feel like I would be giving up my life where I live to live by them and try to pursue a serious relationship with them and I'm not comfortable with a child in the picture. And I feel like they don't understand why children are so hard on me.

I'm not fully sure what I'm looking for with this post. I would like some advice from anyone who has been in this experience. I'm not sure what to do because it's clear that I don't want children nor want partners with children and I feel that it shifts dynamics. I can tell they don't feel that it shifts dynamics and have compared it do me having a dog which to me is a world of difference for lots of reasons.

They are now uncertain about having a child now and I fear that I'm ruining their plans. I also don't want to give up my life to shift to what they want. And I'm not sure how to make any of this work. If it's even possible to make it work. I've been trying to read about polyamory and parenting but, everything is about groups raising children together. I haven't found anything on someone in my position.

Thank you in advance for everyones thoughts on this subject.
 

Inaniel

Active member
I think your partners are being naive…. And I think you already know what you need to do. Maybe your just looking for affirmation about how you are feeling?

Admittedly when Bird was pregnant we used to say the same things.

“The baby won’t change anything,”
“We will travel all the time with the baby, ect..”

Wrong…. Actually traveling with an infant isn’t that bad. We adventured a bit at first. But kids go through a developmental period where they are too damn heavy to carry for long distances and too weak to carry themselves for long distances. Not but the most dedicated of backpackers are going to maintain steam through that period, and it is a TON of work.

I’m not really a fan of telling people what is / is not possible. But believing a couple’s far fetched promises about what post infant life will look like? When they have never had a baby before? Not a chance.

Your brain is screaming at you for a reason. Internal alarm bells are ringing. You know BS when you smell it. Good luck to you.
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member
I haven't been in your situation, but I'm completely childfree. It's pretty much the firmest boundary I have. I would absolutely remove myself as a serious romantic partner from a couple who was trying to conceive, not matter how casually they were going about it. Hell, I'm barely talking to my best friend until she's an empty nester LOL (it's just where we are in life). We only meet in a "neutral" town for a girls' weekend once a year (although the pandemic has interfered with that, too.)

You could become a comet relationship for one or both of them, but just when they have alternative childcare plans.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
You sound clear you don't want any at all and don't want to help other people raise theirs.

I'm done with kids. I don't want any more. I also have zero interest in helping other people raise theirs.

I feel like I would be giving up my life where I live to live by them and try to pursue a serious relationship with them and I'm not comfortable with a child in the picture.

So stick to that. DON'T rearrange your whole life and DON'T try to pursue something serious here. Even though it is a bummer to discover that you are not on the same page as partners? Be ok with it being a bummer and do not invest further.

And I feel like they don't understand why children are so hard on me.

They do not actually have to understand or obey your limits in order for you to obey your limits/preferences.

YOU are the one who has to obey your limits and not overextend your own self.

it's clear that I don't want children nor want partners with children

That is your limit then. Ergo, these folks, however great they were, are not compatible to be your partners. They want kids.

I can tell they don't feel that it shifts dynamics and have compared it do me having a dog which to me is a world of difference for lots of reasons.

Well, if it doesn't shift it for them? It doesn't shift it for them.

But that part doesn't matter. It shifts it for YOU. And you don't stay in a thing that no longer works for you just because it still works for them. You do not subsume yourself to a relationship.

They are now uncertain about having a child now and I fear that I'm ruining their plans.

TTC is their problem, not yours. You are not the one trying to conceive. That stuff is in their dyad.

If they are being "casual" about TTC, and not really thinking it out, comparing it to having a dog and thinking they are still gonna live the nomad life and do poly and the other poly partners are just gonna be hunky with all this from the air...

All I can say is that it all sounds a bit naive to me. Reality will kick in at some point. And maybe it's ok for that to happen. And maybe being less naive isn't necessarily "ruin."

But still... their problem on that dyad, not yours. On your end, YOU have to be realistic about YOUR life. If you already know this is not what you want? Keep it simple. Decline.

I get the feelings hurt, but the actions seem straightforward.

I also don't want to give up my life to shift to what they want.

So don't.

And I'm not sure how to make any of this work. If it's even possible to make it work. I've been trying to read about polyamory and parenting but, everything is about groups raising children together. I haven't found anything on someone in my position.

Maybe how it works best for you is by not being together with them any more.

You don't have to square peg, round hole. Don't bend yourself into pretzels. Instead, honor your own preferences and your own limits. You don't want to be around kids? Don't be then. Seems real simple on your end.

Perhaps in future, you update your vetting process to avoid anyone who plans to TTC. You just go after people who wish to be child free, or people who are past that stage of life and don't want any more children. You actually ask them where they stand on kids, and state where you stand on kids.

Because adult children visiting here and there is one thing. Active parenting through childhood is another. It is NOT like just having a dog.

Galagirl
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello heartoflove,

Having a child is a BFD, and it definitely impacts on the amount of time available for romance. This is true in both monogamous and polyamorous relationships. You are well within your rights to be upset about that part of it.

They don't seem to value your opinion and input as much as perhaps they had led you to believe. Or maybe they just don't get how big of a deal this is to you? Have you told them that you feel that they should of consulted you before trying to get pregnant? Maybe they just don't know.

If they want kids, and you feel like you are raining on their parade just by stating how you feel about it, then you might wonder if this married couple is really the best match for you. They seem to share your ideal of being footloose and fancy free, but they believe they can reach that ideal with a child, and you strongly disagree with them on that.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Others have covered the kid part very well, so I'll address a couple other things, for your benefit and for anyone else new that is reading this thread.

Dating a couple is very hard and in fact, rarely works out. You say you're a new partner for both of them. There is no rush to move in with one new partner, let alone 2 who have a history, no matter how much they give lip service to how egalitarian and non-hierarchical they are. Their couple privilege is obvious here. They stopped birth control and are trying for a kid, and told you about it after the fact.

It's never a good idea to move directly into a long distance partner's place. It's much better to have a few long visits, and see how you get along with him, her or them. Then if that goes extremely well, and you entirely trust them, you might consider moving to their town, into your own place. This should take a least a year of long hard consideration and boundary setting. If you're new to dating them, you're all in a state of NRE, new relationship energy, aka infatuation. It takes 6 months to 2 years for NRE to wear off, and it can take even longer in a LDR. NRE is like a hormone drug. It makes you act crazy and make silly decisions.

Your rose-colored glasses are now coming off. Your couple decided to have a kid without discussing it with you. Their ability to be footloose and fancy-free backpackers is now severely limited. It's good you see that now. It's obvious that they are not right for you. I am sorry it has come to this.
 

LoveForTea

New member
Hi heartoflove,

I judge others have already given excellent advice on what you can do in the short term, so I wanted to make a suggestion that you might be interested in once you have put a bit of distance between yourself and the current situation.
I know I talked about them and if they might want kids and they said they did. I understood that to be in the far future and not in the near future.
What I'd suggest is taking a good and honest look, with plenty of compassion and kindness for yourself, at how you chose to continue being in this relationship. At this point (how long ago was it?) you knew they wanted kids, and it sounds like you already knew it's a dealbreaker for you. Even the far future comes around eventually. What was your belief? That they weren't serious? That they'd come around to your view, or you to theirs, eventually? That it would be far enough in the future that the relationship would run its course? Was it that you didn't want to deal with the issue? Or something else?

The purpose of this exercise isn't to apportion blame, or make yourself feel bad, hence plenty of compassion for yourself. Whichever way this situation plays out, I judge here is a big opportunity for you to learn about yourself and to grow.
 
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