Poly-bomb may have killed our relationship

[GalaGirl]

I did not come here to be re-assured, nor to argue. I needed advice on what I need to be doing/not doing in terms of damage-control. I'm aware that this can and does go wrong, especially when mishandled.

You have finished one week... 3 more to go to honor the agreement to take a month break before discussing this some more.

I think it was a good choice to take a break so you can come to conversation from cooler heads.

WHAT TO BE DOING

Well...You could be doing some reading in the waiting phase.

Love in Abundance by Kathy Labriola is another book. And it is largely already online as separate articles at her website.

Other websites for general poly info

http://practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html
http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/
https://www.morethantwo.com

You could also read about HOW to communicate. Non-violent communication by Marshalle Rosenberg could be helpful. If you only have time to read a short thing, could go with this NVC sheet. http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/aboutnvc/4partprocess.htm

If you have trouble articulating needs, there's a list where you could print and circle. https://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory

WHAT NOT TO BE DOING

Again... you could be reading.

http://www.polyamory.co.za/topics/how_to_mess_up.html is a long list of articles. The first one -- "How to Fuck Up a Relationship
(Poly or mono this applies to all)" by Elise Matthesencan also be found at http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/elise.shtml. It might be a useful one to keep in mind right now as you as your partner talk through all this stuff.

The conversations ahead don't have to be all had in one go. It can be like once a week and then do normal stuff in between. Pizza on pizza night. Laundry on laundry night. Discuss for an hour on Thursday nite. YKWIM? Then it's not overtaking your whole lives, but still is being seen to.

I don't know if this is helpful ...

Emotional Flooding and What To Do About It

But that might be something you can read during the waiting phase so you can enter the talking phase prepared to say "I am flooding. Let's pause here and write down where to pick up next week. I need to do some self care right now." Or learn to recognize it if she's flooding so you can offer to pause so she can do her self care.

Hang in there. Again... have the confidence that actions rooted in good character will yield the best possible outcome.

Galagirl

 

[Marcus]

I think that a lot of what CTF has been posting has been unilaterally dismissed as rantings from a bitter mono.

Poor CTF, forever misunderstood.

While I find CTFs relentlessly negative approach to be as tactful as a white hot chain saw drenched in the gore of the polyamory he clearly despises... his central thesis is true, more or less.

There are lots of things a traditional relationship will not survive. One partner getting a job in another country. One partner coming out as gay. One partner coming out as polyamory. One partner no longer finding the other sexually attractive. One partner moving their mother in. One partner no longer wanting to cohabitate. One partner suddenly making more money than the other. One partner getting pregnant.

Lots. Name a thing, and that can be the thing that ends a traditional relationship.

And coming out as poly in a mono association is one of the things a relationship very well may not survive. Is it likely to survive this kind of change? No, I'd say the deck is stacked against it. Is it worth the pain to live authentically? I say abso-fucking-lutely - CTF says abso-fucking-lutely-not. It's the differences that make this world grand

 

[InfinitePossibility]

InfinitePossibility:


As another poster points out later, you can think you're ready for something and then find out it's totally different than you thought, or that you aren't as ready as you thought. I think having children is like that; you can read all the books and have all the right intentions and everything situated, but it seems like everyone finds something they never expected to have to prepare for. That is what I mean by "I don't know". I'm either too realistic or too pessimistic to presume to be 100% ready for anything. I get as prepared as I am capable of, and then "find out" in practice. I don't mean to come off as though I think of this as a "hobby", I take it much more serious than that.

I agree that you can't prepare for everything and that sometimes you just don't know. I think, though, what people can do is be realistic about themselves, their capabilities and the way they tend to lead their lives.

I am heavily involved in working with and learning about dogs and lots of the things I hear from that community remind me of things I come across here.

I come across people sometimes who tell me that they are desperate to have a dog (something I very much understand) and that the only kind of dog they want is a large, super active one. Pointing out that since they work long hours, have no garden and that their preferred activity is a gentle stroll to the pub, maybe a smaller, sociable, less active breed who would enjoy watching telly, visits to the pub and could be easily incorporated into a local day care centre would be a better idea, isn't always a welcome suggestion.

Very often those people will reply that they intend to make the lifestyle changes necessary. They are going to work less, take up running and spend way less time in the local pub.

My experience is that these plans are not realistic. The people mean well but are just not being honest with themselves about what their own capabilities are.

Usually, these situations go quite badly. The beautiful, athletic dog becomes a liability in the pub until they are banned. They destroy the possessions of the person. They are wild when they go out, making walks stressful. Most of the time, those dogs are homeless by the time they are a year old.

It is always in my mind that if a lifestyle change is needed to make a much desired outcome possible, make the lifestyle change first and then when it is clear that that will work out, go ahead with the dream. Otherwise something that is dreamed of and much wanted can make life much worse than it was before.

 

[FallenAngelina]

I needed advice on what I need to be doing/not doing in terms of damage-control. I'm aware that this can and does go wrong, especially when mishandled.

I feel that the friggin title of the thread shows that I am already pointing the finger at myself.

I'll remind you once again that you were both very young when you met and it's the nature of youthful relationships to dissolve or at very least evolve. We all change a tremendous amount between 17 and 30 - in fact, if a person doesn't change quite a bit during this time, there's an enormous midlife crisis waiting in the wings when you hit 45 or so. Life causes us all to change and grow, this is normal. If your relationship does end, then your poly leanings will only have been the catalyst. It will only be because both of you have grown and changed significantly since you met.

My husband and I ultimately decided to separate and divorce, but it's going extremely well and we have come back to being genuine good friends after a surprisingly short period of time. We're not even technically divorced yet, but have quickly moved on to a mutually supportive and emotionally close camaraderie that includes other partners. Success in a relationship can be staying together or moving romantically on, but a few factors contribute to harmony and I'd encourage you to shoot for eventual mutual harmony rather than trying to hang on to The Relationship at all costs. This is what has helped us stay on the Harmony road:

1. Let each other feel as you feel.

You're individuals and there's no requirement for you to see things the same way in order for the relationship to progress and prosper. Don't expect nor require "talks" to end in consensus. Merely sharing how you feel and how you see things is "talk" enough. Don't try to fix. Someone may indeed come up with a brilliant idea, but let that come naturally. There's a lot of magic in just being present while opening up to each other. You do not have to and indeed cannot fix. All you need to do is know your truth and listen to hers. This is truly being there for each other and a lot of wonderful stuff comes out of this that will guide and fortify you both.


2. Stay out of the Guilt-Resentment-Guilt-Resentment loop. It digs a rut and only traps you deeper and deeper.

You're suffocating under an enormous heap of guilt right now and this will not only make you miserable, it will launch your relationship into an orbit that will attract a lot of resentment on her part. There's a way to gently, respectfully, lovingly communicate with your partner that is honest and productive - much more likely to inspire understanding and preserve self respect in your partner. Nothing will spare anyone some pain, but pain can be greatly mitigated by one partner's choice to keep guilt and blame out of the story. Instead of focusing on how you can ease your partner's pain, you'll get a lot more mileage out of focusing on how you can clean up your own guilt, which seems like a go-to emotion for you. You're much more likely to help steer your relationship into a mutually satisfying place if you stay off the guilt train. Guilt does not spare your partner pain and only leads to a blame response. I strongly encourage you to work on yourself here and do whatever works to clear off the ginormous pile of guilt that is smothering you right now.

 

[Magdlyn]

Poor CTF, forever misunderstood.

While I find CTFs relentlessly negative approach to be as tactful as a white hot chain saw drenched in the gore of the polyamory he clearly despises... his central thesis is true, more or less.

There are lots of things a traditional relationship will not survive. One partner getting a job in another country. One partner coming out as gay. One partner coming out as polyamory. One partner no longer finding the other sexually attractive. One partner moving their mother in. One partner no longer wanting to cohabitate. One partner suddenly making more money than the other. One partner getting pregnant.

Lots. Name a thing, and that can be the thing that ends a traditional relationship.

And coming out as poly in a mono association is one of the things a relationship very well may not survive. Is it likely to survive this kind of change? No, I'd say the deck is stacked against it. Is it worth the pain to live authentically? I say abso-fucking-lutely - CTF says abso-fucking-lutely-not.

For financial reasons, not "for the children" as I thought I'd remembered from his first posts. I was also loathe to leave my husband sooner because he made good money and I was homeschooling our kids. But I finally realized I felt like the proverbial bird in a gilded cage, opened the door, and flew away.

 

[Tinwen]

2. Stay out of the Guilt-Resentment-Guilt-Resentment loop. It digs a rut and only traps you deeper and deeper.

You're suffocating under an enormous heap of guilt right now and this will not only make you miserable, it will launch your relationship into an orbit that will attract a lot of resentment on her part. There's a way to gently, respectfully, lovingly communicate with your partner that is honest and productive - much more likely to inspire understanding and preserve self respect in your partner. Nothing will spare anyone some pain, but pain can be greatly mitigated by one partner's choice to keep guilt and blame out of the story. Instead of focusing on how you can ease your partner's pain, you'll get a lot more mileage out of focusing on how you can clean up your own guilt, which seems like a go-to emotion for you. You're much more likely to help steer your relationship into a mutually satisfying place if you stay off the guilt train. Guilt does not spare your partner pain and only leads to a blame response. I strongly encourage you to work on yourself here and do whatever works to clear off the ginormous pile of guilt that is smothering you right now.

This is such great advice for those of us who tend to take on a lot of guilt, that I just want to highlight it once more!

 

[CTF]

Cont...

CTF:

My real issue is twofold; The decision has already been made, so suggesting that I think long & hard about it is only useful if I could time-travel, and that you kinda are arguing in favor of dis-honesty by way of advocating that anyone should keep something big to themselves (Even if the purpose is to keep from hurting them).


She hasn't said no per se, and her agreement to take time to think about it shows she is probably giving it some consideration. But I've said I'm willing to accept whatever decision she makes.


Never have I ever said anything close to "If she doesn't accept me this way then that's on her".


Yeah, it's this sort of extreme word choices that, while they may be 100% accurate, are why you come across as negative. If you truely are "dead inside" then it isn't simply a matter of "coming across" as negative, the issue is that you actually are negative. No one who really feels that way is capable of communicating without their own situation influencing how they view the world, and how they treat others. I've felt dead inside plenty of times, and I've seen firsthand the difference between that version of myself and the "normal" me; No one wants to be around the negativity of someone who is dead inside.


The only thing that is clear at this point is that she currently is not excited by the idea, and is having trouble processing what it all means. Beyond that, speaking in absolutes is pointless and presumptive.


Again, she has not declined, as we have not had that discussion fully. She needs time to process the facts about how I view love & relationships. I do not have the answers yet.


As I said, I was not exposed to the idea of polyamory until like 10+ years into our relationship, so I was operating under the ideals I had been raised with, which told me that how I was feeling was "wrong". If ya wanna talk about pointless honesty why would I tell her "Yeah, so I love like, 3 people other than you... but I know it's wrong of me to feel that way, just felt like letting you know"


My initial post was hastily written, as I was writing it after an all-night cry-a-thon that left me with no idea what to do. But that's why I keep coming back and replying to specific things, to clarify on my original post. "Understanding" is a constantly shifting ideal, you have to stay open to new information and allow it to change your understandings.


I could almost agree with this, but there have been comments (not just from the monos) that talk about how hard it is for her to deal with this new information and the feelings it brings up. Several people have mentioned the suffering of their s/o when they dropped the bomb. I think it's clear that your s/o did not handle things properly, and a disaster was the result. But I'm obviously more interested in learning what people in my position did right, and how it helped create a better result.


Ahem...
Post #17: "It also doesn't alleviate the poly partner from the responsibility of causing that pain."
Post #26: "the whole "if she gives me the freedom & makes me happy will benefit her because I'll admire her more" nonsense is a naive fantasy. It's also an extremely disrespectful & unloving way to behave towards her."
Post #29: "I keep hearing that mantra about "honesty" & knowing the "full me/you", yet these same people generally ignore who their partner is, and what they need by not learning to bear the burden themselves."
Post #29: "The ONLY thing accomplished here, was a devastated mono partner, and an end to a relationship likely imminent."
Post #32: "we're talking about a complete lack of respect for the mono partner"
Post #32: "it shows how little they truly value them."
Post #32: "Like I said before, this situation usually only shifts the burden of pain onto the other partner. Amd often, telling that partner ends up being justified as though they're acting courteous to them, when they're really just trying make themselves feel better."
Post #55: "However, knowing that your gf would not be on board, and hoping to try anyway, not only is a clear breakdown of communication on your end, but highly disrespectful & naive."
Post #62: "The feeling of rejection when a poly partner comes out... especially after being together for so long is an indescribable feeling of rejection."
I think you can see how these statements can be read as pointing out unfairness towards one's s/o. Just sayin'...


Aaaaand...
Post #10: "She's never going to understand how you can love another"
Post #26: "Let it go. Don't just put of the poly discussion for a month, put it off forever if you plan to stay with her."
Post #26: "She's NEVER going to reach compersion..."
Post #55: "so that renders the open relationship hopes DOA, leaving nothing left, but to clear your own conscience.
Post #58: "is that as clear as it is to everyone now, that she'll never be on board"
These are pretty absolute terms you use. Again, just sayin'...

And no, you haven't been blocked. If I get too sick of you to even argue I'll just skip over your posts

Look, if I came across too harsh, I sincerely apologize. Yes, it's an emotional topic, and one that still gets me charged up nearly 2 years later. This site is packed with my posts, and there were special circumstances involved when the bomb was dropped on me. It'll always be linked with my dad's death, and when your wife abandons you to deal with it on your own, so she can spend 14 hours/ day with someone else because of NRE, then yeah, it's going to leave a mark.

That being said, just because I think more pause before deciding to drop the bomb should have been given, doesn't mean that I think you're a bad person. And all of those remarks that I made were an attempt to drive home the point that for staunch monos like myself (and from your description your gf), having the bomb dropped is a devastating blow. You may not understand how, but it's a deep sense of rejection, especially if she subscribes to the economy theory of love. Which I most certainly do... the idea that love can be infinite defies logic when you understand that love is attached to actions, and time spent, etc...

And yes, my remarks about her not achieving compersion, etc... were absolute. That doesn't mean that I don't think there's a possibility to work things out & stay together, but I firmly believe that the only way, is to give up the idea of changing the dynamic & remaining mono. For your sake, and hers, I hope I'm wrong, and if that happens, I'll be the first one in line to admit... but sorry, I just don't see it happening from the way you describe her feelings. She may not have said "no" by your definition, but when she says that she doesn't want to share you, she's voicing her disapproval. I'd also be willing to bet, that she's hoping you change your mind at the end of this month long moratorium. Also, just curious, but what happens if, at the end of the month, she says she needs more time. Maybe another month, or 2 even? How would you respond?

 

[CTF]

Poor CTF, forever misunderstood.

While I find CTFs relentlessly negative approach to be as tactful as a white hot chain saw drenched in the gore of the polyamory he clearly despises... his central thesis is true, more or less.

There are lots of things a traditional relationship will not survive. One partner getting a job in another country. One partner coming out as gay. One partner coming out as polyamory. One partner no longer finding the other sexually attractive. One partner moving their mother in. One partner no longer wanting to cohabitate. One partner suddenly making more money than the other. One partner getting pregnant.

Lots. Name a thing, and that can be the thing that ends a traditional relationship.

And coming out as poly in a mono association is one of the things a relationship very well may not survive. Is it likely to survive this kind of change? No, I'd say the deck is stacked against it. Is it worth the pain to live authentically? I say abso-fucking-lutely - CTF says abso-fucking-lutely-not. It's the differences that make this world grand

Oh I'm not at all whining about being misunderstood. While I do see some remarks taken out of context, I never expected poly folks to fully grasp what it feels like. Sure, I'm negative. I abso-fucking-lutely am. Do I have poly? No. I do find the whole "monogamy is unnatural" & bithching & moaning about this mythic notion that society is trying to keep poly shoved aside" quite offensive & frankly annoying, but hate? Nah.

That being said, sure, there are a lot of different factors that can destroy relationships. And while you may see it being worth the risk, there are far too many who don't even understand what the risks are.

 

[CTF]

For financial reasons, not "for the children" as I thought I'd remembered from his first posts. I was also loathe to leave my husband sooner because he made good money and I was homeschooling our kids. But I finally realized I felt like the proverbial bird in a gilded cage, opened the door, and flew away.

To be fair, I might have spoken about the family as a whole, but not once did I say that I stayed for the kids... that being said... what difference does it even make. Regardless of the reasons I stayed, I did. Had she felt the need to pursue it, there'd be a different outcome. But the blast still did the damage.

I guess I'm wondering what your point in all this is.

 

[FallenAngelina]

But the blast still did the damage.

As I recall, there was a lot more that was problematic about your marriage when your wife dropped The Bomb. If you don't care to address your marriage specifically in this thread, I understand, but my point is that The Bomb in and of itself cannot destroy a relationship. The Bomb takes the heat for a lot of rubble that was already lying around from other skirmishes. That's my developing theory, anyway. Would you say that this is the case in your own relationship? It certainly was in mine. My husband and I had a really good marriage, but in retrospect I see that we had a few existing fatal flaws that The Bomb rendered impossibly visible.

 

[Magdlyn]

... Regardless of the reasons I stayed, I did. Had she felt the need to pursue it, there'd be a different outcome. But the blast still did the damage.

I guess I'm wondering what your point in all this is.

CTF, your problems in your marriage go way beyond "polyamory." So. You've made your points to CoolName, shared your views. He has found you harsh and is almost ready to just start scrolling by when he sees a post by you.

You haven't updated on your last thread on your marital situation in about a year. For those who aren't familiar: In the stretch of a couple months, your wife fell for another guy (online relationship). Your father died of cancer. Your wife had cancer (apparently surgery took care of it). You 2 are close to being empty nesters (offspring late teens, early 20s). In the 2 years since the death, her cancer, her affair, she has been diagnosed with OCD, anxiety and depression, and has been on a cornucopia of medications, and done lots of therapy (with no benefit, according to you). You've done some therapy. You are still living with her (out of a sense of obligation) after 2 years of emotional distance from her. Your role in her life is her attention source (usually after a negative behavior of hers, either a complete breakdown, or obsessing over purchasing something your household does not need and can't afford), and caretaker.

She hasn't worked outside the home in 2 years, nor does she do more than one load of laundry, one stack of dishes, and/or cook one meal a week. She spends her days at home online, chatting and gaming, or watching movies.

You feel dead inside. You have said elsewhere your soul has been crushed to the point it seems absent. You have lost your libido. You said in your thread from a year ago, you were resting prior to starting the divorce process with your wife. At that point it had been a year since your wife's discontinued online emotional affair. But it seems you are still in limbo after yet another year has passed.

Perhaps it's time to update your situation on a new thread, rather than spout extreme negativity to a newbie here, whose situation is not really that similar to yours.

 

[Tinwen]

...my point is that The Bomb in and of itself cannot destroy a relationship. The Bomb takes the heat for a lot of rubble that was already lying around from other skirmishes. That's my developing theory, anyway.

In my relationship (2.5 years of cohabitation) it was and wasn't true. It absolutely highlighted fundamental philosophical differences we had in our approach to life, which otherwise could have remained unseen or not understood for years. These differences... I think they would have caused a very slow death of the relationship eventually. Or maybe not. We might have been able to work with them somehow, if they were illuminated by a lesser bump in the road. Or, we could have had a "successful" long living relationship, where I would never know what exactly it is that I'm missing. It's pretty probable that the relationship would have really worked, but I don't know. What I know is, that poly - or rather my need to explore, not just in the area of intimacy (although that was huge and I'm very glad I didn't refrain from it) - was an irreconcilable difference at that time of our lives.

Btw. I'm more in the "it just happened, I fell in love" camp , and my own world a sense of self was very much turned upside down. I dropped the bomb so you could say I killed the relationship, but a more accurate description is that I became a very different person within just a few months and suddenly grew apart with my partner. Huge and lasting personality shifts (mostly for the better as far as I can say) occurred there.

 

[CTF]

As I recall, there was a lot more that was problematic about your marriage when your wife dropped The Bomb. If you don't care to address your marriage specifically in this thread, I understand, but my point is that The Bomb in and of itself cannot destroy a relationship. The Bomb takes the heat for a lot of rubble that was already lying around from other skirmishes. That's my developing theory, anyway. Would you say that this is the case in your own relationship? It certainly was in mine. My husband and I had a really good marriage, but in retrospect I see that we had a few existing fatal flaws that The Bomb rendered impossibly visible.

I don't mind discussing it, but I don't want to go into a ton of detail, simply because I don't want to hijack the thread. For more detail, readers can go back & check my previous posts if they want. That being said, there were some issues before the bomb, but nothing I'd consider fatal. It was knowing that she could theoretically share her heart with someone else that highlighted the fact that I didn't matter to her as much as she led me to believe. It showed me that her love for me decreased from where it was previously. And since we did have discussions regarding non monogamy in hypothetical situations, she knew exactly where I stood, but then pretended not to remember once she saw how hard I took the news, and then her mantra was about just wanting to be honest. From then on, I've had doubts on whether I could trust her.

 

[CTF]

CTF, your problems in your marriage go way beyond "polyamory." So. You've made your points to CoolName, shared your views. He has found you harsh and is almost ready to just start scrolling by when he sees a post by you.

You haven't updated on your last thread on your marital situation in about a year. For those who aren't familiar: In the stretch of a couple months, your wife fell for another guy (online relationship). Your father died of cancer. Your wife had cancer (apparently surgery took care of it). You 2 are close to being empty nesters (offspring late teens, early 20s). In the 2 years since the death, her cancer, her affair, she has been diagnosed with OCD, anxiety and depression, and has been on a cornucopia of medications, and done lots of therapy (with no benefit, according to you). You've done some therapy. You are still living with her (out of a sense of obligation) after 2 years of emotional distance from her. Your role in her life is her attention source (usually after a negative behavior of hers, either a complete breakdown, or obsessing over purchasing something your household does not need and can't afford), and caretaker.

She hasn't worked outside the home in 2 years, nor does she do more than one load of laundry, one stack of dishes, and/or cook one meal a week. She spends her days at home online, chatting and gaming, or watching movies.

You feel dead inside. You have said elsewhere your soul has been crushed to the point it seems absent. You have lost your libido. You said in your thread from a year ago, you were resting prior to starting the divorce process with your wife. At that point it had been a year since your wife's discontinued online emotional affair. But it seems you are still in limbo after yet another year has passed.

Perhaps it's time to update your situation on a new thread, rather than spout extreme negativity to a newbie here, whose situation is not really that similar to yours.

Actually, other than her picking up more of the chores around the house, and me leaving one company & starting with another, there isn't anything to update.

 

[WhatHappened]

Perhaps it's time to update your situation on a new thread, rather than spout extreme negativity to a newbie here....

While I find CTFs relentlessly negative approach to be as tactful as a white hot chain... his central thesis is true, more or less.

As I said on another thread: It seems to me a POLYAMORY forum should be a place to get truthful input, not merely rah-rah it'll all be fine. If someone is going to hike in the Rockies, I'm going to tell them everything I know about it, good and bad. I'm going to tell them the dangers and pitfalls and possible catastrophes waiting if they do not take care with their survival gear and maps and water supply and so on.

It would be irresponsible and cruel not to tell that side of the story. How does that allow someone to make a good decision, if they hear only one side?

CTF's experience with poly is worth listening to, as is anyone else's on this forum, for those considering taking that step.

 

[Shaya]

Similar question asked in a new thread here, with what I feel is a very impressive opening post.

 

[Aery]

Not advise

Hi all!
I hadn't been posting in a long while (I onetime co-facilitated way back in the 80's, and then reintroduced myself and I took the shot of seeking more local resources/shout-out to locals on here, then pretty much just went as local as I could). Anyway, I've read through this "Poly bomb thread" and read many good, if some sort of abstract responses at times).

I did read one reply. Gala Girl addressing about being able "{...]to hear you express your poly thoughts/feelings? So you aren't going around bottled up any more? after backing off," that I thought was excellent feedback... which didn't cross "it can work"/staying neutral line/or negative line.

More like if it doesn't arise through whatever is shared, across the board (or bed, if you will) with some agreement to walk together, to communicate and not pressure a choice, it all has ramifications on the emotions/relationship, IMHO... It challenges received notions.

Withdrawal and situational depression are also valid feelings.

I would like to validate CoolName who's been processing the feedback.

I also understand some indiscreet places come up in how we express ourselves sexually/emotionally in sometimes peevish, frustrated ways if feeling thwarted, unlistened to, or sense we humans aren't easily pinned-down enters the equation. Personal equation is and important part... but we're talking relationships that are gong to have messy corners.

 

[Aery]

"Please click one of the Quick Reply icons in the posts above to activate Quick Reply." ...Maybe I'm slow-witted///but nothing works... I wanted to correct grammer/spelling... "(going) to have messy corners"... but hey! it was crazy hot here today... and I had some wine///

 

[kdt26417]

Hey Aery,

There is a 12-hour window in which you can edit your posts; I don't know if maybe your window expired before your attempt to edit. Just a thought

Kevin T.

 

[Loz]

Maybe my story could help

Dear Coolname,

I can feel your pain and that of your partner. 17 years down the line, 3 beautiful boys and 8 years of marriage, my husband realised he needs to pursue his poly side. I am fully monogamous and never considered the need to explore other relationships. It wasn't exactly a bomb as he always talked of not understanding monogamy but it was still a shock. Last year, when he first started talking about it, I tried but could not handle it. He decided to push his desires aside for us. You might think that would have been an end to it but I came to see that poly is a part of who he is which he has been repressing for so long. It took time, reading 'More than Two', soul searching and making sure our relationship was strong until I offered him his desired lifestyle. That was in February of this year. It was the greatest and hardest gift I could give. It has been and continues to be challenging but I know I am growing and our relationship is stronger as a result. Together we pursued his first proper relationship and now we are in a V. She is wonderful and very understanding of my needs and I can see and feel that our relationship has not changed with the addition of her. She is part of my life too in a way and I feel compassion for her when she is suffering. It's not easy for her either coming into a well-established relationship.

Don't get me wrong, I have bad days or moments and time sharing is really challenging though my husband has always had a demanding job. I had lots of anxiety when they had their first evenings together and sometimes I felt I would not be able to function properly like sleeping or enjoying food but here I am now, enjoying the fact that he is out with her so I can get an early night!! (he's a total night owl) I can play piano, watch soppy chick flicks and not feel I have to meet all his needs all the time. I look forward to our time together and we never take each other for granted. He is still a fantastic father and to be honest, practically little has changed but he is much more satisfied with life.

I did this because I love HIM, not a projected image of what I want him to be and this is part of him. He can love more than one person at once and still fully love both of us. I haven't lost my status as soul mate and the sharing communication is truly intimate.

Your partner will be terrified and feel like her world will collapse with this but it does not have to. She may not come round but it is not impossible. I am learning to be happy in this new setup now I have grieved my old relationship model. There is a great beauty in challenging yourself to overcome limits like jealousy or possessiveness which intellectually we all know are not productive or even morally right.

I hope you manage to find a way together. POly/mono is super tough but all change is. There is always hope. Good luck