My ex husband had low self esteem. And he was raised in a Christian environment where that kind of attitude actually helped. He was taught: Jesus first, others second, oneself last.
So of course everyone else was more deserving of love and care than he was. He didn't get much love or care from others, because he over-extended to the point where he was seen as weak and slavelike. What he wanted most from others was respect, and appreciation for all he did. But since he didn't act like he was deserving of being cared for, or thanked, he never got "enough" respect/validation/gratitude. Then he got angry at the people he cared for. He often felt used. And then he'd get passive aggressive, bitter and sarcastic. He also got to the point that if people DID happen to show him love, respect or appreciation, he didn't even see it!
We did couples counseling. I spoke of the ways I showed my love for him. And just in the way I acted and reacted in therapy, over time our counselor could see how I loved and cared for this man. He just had such a firm idea that he sucked and no one appreciated him... he was completely unable to feel my love. In that time, I asked what he'd need to feel loved. He said, packed lunches, but not sandwiches. I provided that. It didn't work. I put cute lovey stickers on his Tupperware, even. I said, what else can I do? He said, more sex, much more sex. I provided daily sex, a good hour long session every day, for years. It didn't work. Finally I read the Surrendered Wife, and submitted, and let him "be a man" in the 1950s way, letting him make household maintenance decisions, decisions for dates and vacations, never offering advice if we were unsure of where we were going on the road (before GPS, that used to happen). Things like that. Nothing helped.
He could spend hours mining for the time I did this or that, which proved I didn't love or respect him. In our talks, he'd regularly go back years to focus on the time there was a thread hanging from the valance on the living room curtains... the fact I didn't cut the thread meant I didn't care about our relationship. Never mind I'd had 2 kids in 2 years and never really looked up from them to notice the hanging thread. (Never mind that he could have cut the thread when he noticed it, and never even mentioned it to the busy new mama. No, he clung to this "proof" for a couple decades.)
Another favorite was the time I'd accidentally made a cut in our new kitchen vinyl flooring. While dealing with the kids I hadn't noticed our portable dishwasher was losing a wheel, and in trying to roll it, I'd made a 3" cut in the vinyl, thinking I was just hitting a stray Lego ... which damage was immediately repaired by the guy who'd laid the floor. My ex was sure I wasn't contrite enough about the accident, and somehow that proved I didn't care enough about him. These are the 2 silliest examples he used. There were many many others. Anything he could fit in his script, he used. He CLUNG to them.
Our counselor told me I was doing and saying all the right things a good loving wife should. She became frustrated with my ex, who persisted in perceiving himself as unlovable. She then tried to get to the root of the matter-- why did he have such a low opinion of himself? I already knew it stemmed from his childhood, and to the so-called Christian attitude he was raised with, and from his parents using "shaming" as a disciplinary tool. Also from his parents having 4 more kids, one every 2 years, after him, becoming overwhelmed with the childcare, so he was shoved out of the nest too early. Etc. He developed such low self esteem, that by elementary school, he was an easy target for bullies. But my ex refused to delve into this, either in our couples' sessions, or his individual therapy with the same counselor. It was too painful for him to face, too triggering.
He was also depressed, but adamantly refused to take an anti-depressant to make it any easier to go into the childhood roots of his low self esteem.
So, finally, the counselor told him there was nothing else she could do for him, and "fired" him. I held on longer. I stayed with him another 8 years, for a total of 32. Wasted time! My own stubbornness, my own idea that monogamy meant being together FOREVER, being determined to work through everything, kept me trying to fix things. And "I LOVED him!"
However, I was working on my own shit then though too. I moved out of our shared bedroom into the guest room. It was a lovely sanctuary for 5 of those years. I went to individual therapy for 3 years. I needed to see where I was a part of this unhealthy dynamic.
And yes, like you, we had periods of time in those final years, despite our problems relating emotionally, where the sex was out of the box, over the top fantastic. I didn't want to lose that. heh
And I loved the guy. In fact, I left him when the good was 60%, the bad was 40%. Guess what? That wasn't good enough. I was tired of being watched and spied on and him constantly looking to have more proof I didn't love him, he was unlovable. I didn't want to be part of that head game anymore. It was wasting my precious time. We don't live forever. I wanted something better. Even being single was better than what I was dealing with.
So, we split. The Universe rewarded me. I found a new life partner almost right away. I wasn't on the rebound, since I was pulling away from the ex the last 8 years, bit by bit. I started embracing poly. My new partner was poly, and she aided and abetted me in my dating others. She also has great self esteem and feels worthy of love, and feels my love, besides also giving it back.
You're not there yet. You say your wife doesn't feel deserving of love. Do you feel deserving of a partner who can feel your love and trust it? Not just now and then after some good sex, but ALL THE TIME?
But Eeyore was the same whether alone or surrounded by friends. A few years back, I reread the chapter about Eeyore's birthday, & I cried a little & laughed a lot. 
