Poly on purpose

So

I have a gf, I think. Gf seems trite. Too small to describe what is actually happening.

Three weeks ago, I was on the verge of complete self-destruction. Partying all night, every night. Girls, clubs, booze, bar fights and... other things.

Last week? The universe offered up the other side of choice. it's like I woke up in someone else's life.

Tess and I are good. Better than we've been in years. Friends. I feel whole and complete, for the first time in recent memory.

So here's the question for those farther along this journey. How do I maintain this? How do I not fall back into fear and self pity? Where I am is so much better than where I was when this all got started. I'd appreciate any help or suggestions you may have.
 
Hi Freetime,

I'm sure you know that you can't really prevent yourself from ever feeling fear or self-pity again. Your feelings will rise and fall in response to life events and your own thoughts. You can manage them, examine them, try to understand where they come from, but attempting to corral and keep certain emotions at bay will usually make them more volatile. "Whatever we resist, persists... and grows stronger." Better to allow for the natural ebb and flow of your inner life. When you let yourself feel what you feel without judging it (judging as in "Oh this sucks" or "I don't wanna feel this shit"), its hold on you suddenly loosens and the feeling dissipates. In other words, resistance is futile.

Besides, whenever we try to move forward in our lives while avoiding something, we basically wind up shaping our lives around the very thing we do not want. We mold everything to make sure it is "not that," and essentially wind up living life as an empty reflection of the very thing we're avoiding ("Oh, I'm never feeling that way again!" or "I'll be all right as long as I don't make the mistakes my parents did"), instead of an organic, fully realized expression of who we are and what we truly want in life.

Life cannot always bring us puppies, lollipops, and rainbows. All I can tell you, FT, is that you can enjoy what you have today without worrying that it will go away. Stand still in this moment of now and appreciate... everything. And if you face life like an adventure, knowing that not all of it will feel good, and take the approach that you are creating it anew each day, instead of manipulating it to not be something else, you will have an authentic, organic expression of YOU. And that's where satisfaction lies.
 
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Eloquent and beautiful. Thank you. You, my dear NYCindie, truly have a way with words.
 
Life as a secondary

Weird. I don't feel any less loved or appreciated. I'm happy. Today I'm grateful for that which I have, and that's good enough.

I spent the day with a friend. She and I are very alike in many ways, and I was glad to be there for her. Feels good to be offering help and support instead of needing it.
 
Welcome back, FT! I had the chance to read through when I first joined the board and your story resonated with me, to the core.

Glad to hear that you're doing better and feeling freer. (Is that even a word? lol)

:)
 
Freer is now officially a word. Wow. What a year. There were those around me who weren't sure I was going to survive it. But I did. I thought I'd share with you what I've learned.

No matter how it may look right now, the universe is looking out for you. Enjoy the journey.

Love you all,
Freetime, all the time

P.S. I will be spending NRE with my new gf Rain, her husband and my wife. How cool is that!? Exactly.

Later, folks.
 
Hi RP! I hope you had a good night.

Rain and her husband spent the night here. We had a great discussion, fun frivolity, and more discussion until the sun came up. A great way to bring in 2012.

Interesting place to be right now. My marriage is over. My first attempts at poly didn't work out. And here I am in another poly relationship.

The biggest difference is that this one isn't connected to Tess in any way, so has none of those issues attached.

I truly do like poly as a life choice. It fits me so much better then monogamy ever did, which is somewhat humorous, when you know my story.

I'd like to have a primary relationship again one day, and would love for it to be a part of a poly family.

Poly is community, and one I'm glad to be a part of.
 
My last day here has arrived

I move to my own apartment tomorrow morning. I am quiet; I am sad right now, as I pack up the last of my things. So many memories, good ones of love, life and laughter. I'm going to miss this house, its presence and all it holds that is dear to me.

20 years of marriage comes to a close tomorrow. A true ending. When the last of my things are removed from this house, I'll consider my relationship with Tess fully closed, as well.

I'll always be her friend, but that's a new relationship to be formed, and can only be done if the old relationship is truly over.

This is a difficult day for me. The next few days promise to be hectic and full. I have so much to do.

What was, isn't. And what is, soon won't be.

Change, the natural state of everything.

Be well,
Freetime
 
Time to clean something up

In past posts I've not spoken well of Tess. I did not speak from love. I spoke from fear, anger, childishness and spite.

My marriage with Tess is ending because it's time for it to do so. End. At any moment, I could have chosen to see this, and accept it for what it is, the truth. But instead I chose to fight. And that made it hard for us both. I have said hurtful things, and acted both childishly and hurtfully towards her, when in reality the only problem was... me.

A message to Tess: I am so sorry for what I've said and done. I'll make amends as I can. You are a beautiful and joyous child of the universe. You always have been. I will always hold you close in my heart, even as I let go of you tomorrow. No more anger, no more tears. Just love.

Be well, Tess.

Love,
FT
 
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Is it always like this?

When I finally surrendered, when I finally let Tess go, I found what I've searched for my entire life. And her name is Rain.

She has read this story, and still loves me. My brain seeks reason and logic. My heart needs neither. It just knows. And I am content to just let it be.

I am as I have always been. Only now I know what that truly means.

Hello, Rain. Be welcome here. These people are my friends. They helped guide me to the truth and loved me at my lowest times. They are my tribe, and I welcome you to meet them.

And to you all, I introduce Rain. She's my friend and my love.
 
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A message from Rain

"I love the people on your forum. They are like family. Your tribe. Wonderful, smart, intelligent people, willing to support, encourage and help someone they've never met."

Some stories and advice resonated so deeply with me. They made me laugh, they made my heart hurt. They made me feel proud.

This from Rain. To you.

She is grateful that you are in my life. As am I.

She will post when she can, but she wanted you all to know what she feels about you. So now you know.
 
:) Sweet
 
Risk it all

I could play it safe. Go slow, take my time. But if I did that I would have missed what's happening right now.

Opening up and dropping the acts, the masks, the pretense. Showing someone who I truly am isn't the risk, at all. The risk is missing my life by holding onto those illusions.

Letting go and following my heart has opened up my life to loving freely, and being loved completely.

Rain lives within me, always there, always in love. My equal in all things.

Reason be damned. This is my life and I'll live it as fully as I can. I'm learning to listen to my heart, live passionately again and walk with my head up.

A lesson to remember. A message to remind me.
 
And our next contestant is-- monogamy

Come on down! You're the next contestant in "Holy fuck, is my life weird!"

Sorry, Dave, but it's true. I'm in a mono relationship, and loving every minute of it.

So, do I have to give back the secret decoder ring and log book?
 
Freetime said:
Monogamy! Come on down! You're the next contestant in "Holy fuck, is my life weird! " Sorry, Save, but it's true. I'm in a mono relationship, and loving every minute of it.
Click to expand...

Well, you're in NRE. See how you feel in 6-18 months and get back to us. ;)
 
Funny ol' world

Well, the journey continues. I was fired from my job.

I've given notice that I'll be moving out of my new apartment at the end of the month. I'll be moving in with my gf.

I have no money. My credit cards are maxed. I have no idea what I'm going to do for a living. But I'm happier than I've been in a long time.

I'm going to take some time and just look at my life and start doing what I want to do, and not what I think I have to do. I've been trying for far too long to fit in to a world that I really don't care about. Time to go find out where I do fit, and go from there.
 
Whaaaaassup?

Well, hello there. What's new? I missed you folks.

My life is as odd as it's ever been, and now filled with more love fun and adventure then I would have thought.

I'm living with my beloved, her husband, their two kids, and having the time of my life.

I'm taking classes to become an EMT, Emergency Medical Technician/Paramedic, surrounded by love and learning to live again. How cool is that? 'Zactly. Very.

I have a lot to learn about being in love, true love. You can tell I've got a lot of work to do. But I'm getting there.

Being with someone who loves me fully is an amazing and touching experience.

I've let my marriage go. I've filed for divorce. It will be finalized in three months or so. Tess is happy now, and deservedly so. I never was the man for her. We had what we had, but I'm glad it's over.

For all the pain, hurt and sorrow I experienced last year, all I can say about that is, it was worth it, because it brought me to Rain, my love.

I'm off to go sit in the sun and thank the universe for looking after me. Later, folks.
 
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