Poly-to be or not to be

H

Heart to heart

New member
Hi, I’m new here. I’m 68. My husband(68 also) and I have been married for nearly 40 years. Crazy! I know! We’ve been lucky to have enjoyed raising 3 wonderful sons, and we’ve also been crushed🖤by the loss of our oldest and younger boys. Needless to say, we’ve experienced our share of trauma and grief. Nearly 6 years ago my partner D shared with me that he’d been exploring with others, without my knowledge. We recovered our relationship with the help of a poly friendly therapist, and several months following we made the decision to open our marriage. We’ve experienced lots of twists and turns in this lifestyle, and we’ve learned a lot about ourselves and each other. Our current conundrum, and the reason I’m seeking support is that I’ve decided that I would prefer to go back to monogamy and D is quite happy with his 2 partners and me and remaining in a poly lifestyle. I’m struggling to wrap my head around being the mono of a mono-poly couple. As much as I want for his happiness, I want to feel happy too. Thus far in our journey I’ve never experienced the feeling of compersion. I need to connect with others that may have useful advice and can understand my situation. I’m feeling very alone.
 
Welcome to our board!

Hi, I'll be 68 in August. It's always nice to meet others in my age group. I was also married for decades and we raised three kids, 2 girls and a boy. I am so sorry for your losses. I can't even imagine.


Unlike you, I separated from my husband in 2008 and we divorced in 2011.

Hi, I’m new here. I’m 68. My husband(68 also) and I have been married for nearly 40 years.
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Nearly 6 years ago, my partner D...
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I guess you mean your husband? We recommend using nicknames instead of initials here for ease of reading.

shared with me that he’d been exploring with others, without my knowledge. We recovered our relationship with the help of a poly friendly therapist, and several months following, we made the decision to open our marriage.
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It's very hard to transition to an open marriage after one partner has been cheating. Rebuilding trust is very difficult.

We’ve experienced lots of twists and turns in this lifestyle, and we’ve learned a lot about ourselves and each other. Our current conundrum, and the reason I’m seeking support, is that I’ve decided that I would prefer to go back to monogamy and D is quite happy with his 2 partners and me and remaining in a poly lifestyle.
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So despite having somehow transitioned to polyamory, it may be you were never really fine with it. Unfortunately it's impossible to close the barn door after the horse it out. I'm sure D's gf are extremely important to him.

Why do you want to close the marriage now after X amount of years?

Edit: upon rereading, it seems like you're OK with D keeping his 2 gfs and you just don't want the hassle of continuing to date yourself. Are you afraid you'll be lonely though?

I’m struggling to wrap my head around being the mono of a mono-poly couple.
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Were you trying to date and not enjoying it?

As much as I want for his happiness, I want to feel happy too. Thus far in our journey I’ve never experienced the feeling of compersion. I need to connect with others that may have useful advice and can understand my situation. I’m feeling very alone.
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I'm sorry you're not happy. It's not necessary to feel compersion to do poly successfully. But maybe you just don't like sharing your man with others. Maybe you need more time, attention, reassurance, conversations, touch/sex, nice dates or holidays, for him to spend less time with the others, in person or on the phone. Maybe you want him to be more involved in your home, the household maintenance, yard work, car maintenance, family life, etc. There is good info out there about the Five Love Languages.

Are your needs being met? Maybe you were trying to meet your needs with other bfs, but they kept letting you down. Dating is hard. For some people, it's not worth the effort.
 
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Thank you for your response. Especially nice that we are the same age too.

Correct D is my husband. He’s a lovely lovely man and we are great partners to one another in most respects. I’ll give you some background into our history/situation. I have struggled with mild anxiety/depression of and on since the loss of our first child which was years ago. I became emotionally and sexually unavailable for many years. D was and has always been super patient with me. At the point that he went outside of our marriage to find emotional and sexual connection with others we were in a very difficult place. A number of other traumatic events had occurred in our life by this time, he desperately needed my support and I was incapable of meeting him on an emotional level. My way of coping was to shut down.
Later, when he did share with me about his explorations I felt hurt and sad, but I also heard and understood him, and we were able to process our feelings together. We connected on an incredibly magical level. Our relationship and communication and sex was on another level, and it stuck! D also shared with me that he was bi-curious so some months later we decided to explore together(mmf 3 sums). We immediately made a connection with a sweet and exciting man. The relationship between our lover soon became a relationship that he(J)and I wanted to pursue, unfortunately at D’s expense. I was quite naïve and very inexperienced and didn’t fully realize the hurt feelings that I was causing. And, to be honest I felt a bit justified in my feelings for J considering D’s years of deceitful exploration. Needless to say, it was my decision that we explore individually. D quickly reconnected with his ex-lover and I made dates with J, and we both became involved with other people too.
Not straight forward, I understand. And, I think that you are correct. Fundamentally, I’m monogamous, and though I found enjoyment meeting and creating friendships with others, challenging myself and flexing my muscles, I’m content to be with one at this point in my life.
A tough situation, but I’m fully aware of how I got here. Now, I’m doing the hard work of learning how to live with his being poly while I’m mono.
On some level, I embrace the challenge and I also struggle to accept my circumstances. Whew!!! Thanks again so much for your input. It’s very very helpful.
 
Are you saying... the option to date other people is on the table for both sides?

You just want to back off and not use your option on your side?

If so, go ahead. Whether or not you use that option is up to YOU.


Fundamentally, I’m monogamous, and though I found enjoyment meeting and creating friendships with others, challenging myself and flexing my muscles, I’m content to be with one at this point in my life.
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So you are monogamish? Like monogamy most of the time but up for encounters once in a while?

Is D still the one?

Or was J kinda becoming that one and it freaked you out? So you closed it all down?

I noticed higher up in the post your way of coping in the past has been to "shut it all down."

Galagirl
 
Hello Heart to heart,

Sorry you find yourself at loggerheads with your husband in this situation. You have a right to be happy; it isn't always about D. On the other hand, I can't tell for sure if you want monogamy just for yourself, or for D as well? Usually a mono/poly couple is understood to mean where one partner has multiple other partners, while the other partner in the couple just has the one partner. (Hopefully that didn't come out too garbled.) It's not when one partner in the couple wants monogamy for both partners in the couple.

If you are willing to let D continue to be polyamorous, while you prefer monogamy for yourself, then that's easy, you just go your way and let D go his. You and D can still have your loving relationship with each other. On the other hand, if you are uncomfortable with D continuing to be polyamorous, that's a considerably bigger problem and it could spell divorce later on down the road. Mind you, divorce isn't always a terrible thing. Sometimes the two of you have just grown apart.

I hope you'll keep posting, and we'll keep trying to help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
My actual preference would be to shut our open marriage down, both sides, but that is not an option so I’m finally getting around to doing the hard work that I should have been doing all along.

I am primarily monogamous. I liked the experience of practicing non-monogamy, but I don’t think that I ever imagined I would practice non-monogamy forever. D is the one. And, yes I did become quite close with J too, and it was difficult to say goodbye. I realize that I must sound inauthentic and perhaps not even that ethical. In retrospect, I do understand that it would have been much smarter to have taken more time with my choice.

It’s true. Shutting down is a coping method for me. That is something that I’ve been working on, and I’ve come a long way with changing that behavior.

Thanks so much for posing questions and thoughts.
 
Hi Kevin,
Thank you for your response.
My preference would be that D and I focus on our relationship together without others involved, so yes… going back to monogamy for both of us would be my ideal. D though, and not surprisingly, is very invested in his other relationships. I understand that. We made this choice together. Considering that, and divorce not being an option for either of us, I’m wanting to work at acceptance of this situation that I’ve knowingly put myself in. My hope, with support, is to navigate my way through this situation, to support D in his relationships, as he has with me. I know moving forward that I need to be open and accepting to a different relationship model and I know that it isn’t going to be easy.
I will continue to put myself out there. I’m appreciating the love and support. Thank you.
 
When my wife and I opened up our marriage, I had always been fine with the idea (in theory). However, I wasn't interested in pursuing other partners, really. She was and did so. It was a little bit hard at first, only because I had to overcome a lot of patriarchal nonsense as a man (exclusivity as possession, sex as love, love as only for one person, etc.). However, since we both believed in the idea in principle, I did the work on that and got past it. Over the next 4 or 5 years, my wife had a few different partners, one of which became love (but ended a bit roughly, sadly). Covid put the brakes on that for a couple of those years. In any case, I was busy and stressed and frankly finding a woman as an ENM man is a lot harder. I didn't feel the need to try; so I didn't.

So, you can absolutely be monogamous while your husband isn't. It will require focusing on your connection and doing the work on overcoming a lot of social training that turns out to be false. However, it's so ingrained within us that this is easier said than done. But it can be overcome. There are lots of resources here. Books like Designer Relationships, Opening Up, and Polysecure would help you a lot, if you haven't read them.

(oh, this year, I decided to try to meet people, and it's been pretty great, actually. I have a better understanding of what my wife goes through with other relationships. You've already tried that and found it's not for you, and that's OK!)
 
Thanks for sharing more of your backstory. I see that you experimented with a MMF threesome, ostensibly for D's benefit. However, J (the shared partner) quickly lost his attraction for D and just continued with you for some time, which hurt D's feelings.

I had a similar experience. When my ex h and I first opened our marriage, it was because, after 20 years, he finally accepted my bisexuality. For 2 decades he was uncomfortable with it. (I'd been poly at heart the whole time too, before we had a term for it. I just thought there was something morally wrong with me.) Finally, in fantasy, my h got into the idea of having me explore my attraction to women, in a threesome with him. I was fine with just the fantasy, but he suggested we really try it. He made it seem appealing and told me we could stop at any time if it didn't work out in reality. However, we met a woman who said she was into both of us, but when it came to actually doing something, she was only really into my ex and we never had a threesome experience at all. He and she fell in love. He is mono and stopped loving me, which was the death knell for our relationship.

(We had a veto in place, and after suffering with the loss of his love for about 6-8 months I used my veto. But it didn't stop their love. They continued to communicate and occasionally meet "as friends," until he and I broke up, then they got together full time.)

My point-- "playing as a couple" often goes horribly wrong, because it is more common for the attraction between all three people to be uneven, unequal. Finding a partner to share long term is extremely rare. Boy, did I learn that the hard way.

I see you continued in your relationship with J for some time, but eventually decided you felt better just having one partner. I know polyamory is not for everyone. In fact, as a poly person myself, with my poly nesting partner, we both feel split sometimes when we leave each other on the weekends to spend time with our boyfriends. I love both my partners dearly, but it can be hard to switch between their energies sometimes. I feel I need both male and female energies in my life, and I love having two partners in general, but at the same time, it's not exactly easy to go back and forth!

There's nothing wrong with wanting to go back to being mono for yourself. There's not anything wrong, per se, with wanting D to go back to monogamy too, but you do understand that is not in his nature and of course do not want to force him into a box in which he would feel constrained and inauthentic, frustrated, etc. I applaud you wanting to learn to be fine with him being true to himself. You two have been through a lot of trauma and have had to cope in various ways, and you keep trying to learn bigger and better coping skills to deal with the inevitable stresses of life.

It's good to get the perspective of another mature person here, with a longer relationship experience. So many people here (most of them) are in their 20s, 30s, and 40s.
 
Openbook23 said:
When my wife and I opened up our marriage, I had always been fine with the idea (in theory). However, I wasn't interested in pursuing other partners, really. She was and did so. It was a little bit hard at first, only because I had to overcome a lot of patriarchal nonsense as a man (exclusivity as possession, sex as love, love as only for one person, etc.). However, since we both believed in the idea in principle, I did the work on that and got past it. Over the next 4 or 5 years, my wife had a few different partners, one of which became love (but ended a bit roughly, sadly). Covid put the brakes on that for a couple of those years. In any case, I was busy and stressed and frankly finding a woman as an ENM man is a lot harder. I didn't feel the need to try; so I didn't.

So, you can absolutely be monogamous while your husband isn't. It will require focusing on your connection and doing the work on overcoming a lot of social training that turns out to be false. However, it's so ingrained within us that this is easier said than done. But it can be overcome. There are lots of resources here. Books like Designer Relationships, Opening Up, and Polysecure would help you a lot, if you haven't read them.

(oh, this year, I decided to try to meet people, and it's been pretty great, actually. I have a better understanding of what my wife goes through with other relationships. You've already tried that and found it's not for you, and that's OK!)
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Thank you for sharing about your experience. It is helpful to hear from people who are in similar situations. The longer that I sit with this, I realize how hasty I was in my decision process when my husband and I decided to open our marriage. I also realize that though I got to a place of acceptance regarding my husband’s prior exploration/affairs, and accepted accountability for my own part in the breakdown of our marriage at that time, I was holding onto a bit of resentment too. Though unsure of what it would look or feel like I wanted to have experiences too.

I have read Opening Up and Polysecure and I’m just beginning to realize the resources available here. I’m so glad that I found this site.

Thank you again. And, I’m glad that you’re enjoying meeting some new people.
 
Hi and welcome to the forum.

So sorry for your loss or losses. I can’t imagine. Lots of couples don’t make it through those difficult times. Did you seek counseling, either individually or as a couple? How many yrs did you withdraw from your husband before he decided to step out? Was he making his concerns known to you at the time? And then I suppose he sort of dropped it because he was getting those needs met elsewhere and that took pressure off you. So that worked for you, right? How many yrs did you operate like that (if that’s even remotely close to the situation)?

What made you change your mind about being poly? How long did you see J? And would you say you fell in love with J, or it was just a sexual NSA thing?
 
Thank you for sharing a piece of your backstory. How incredibly difficult and painful for you. Your experience parallels my story, except that in my case I was the one causing the hurt, and our marriage didn’t end as a result. Wow! I’m so sorry.

Your thoughts regarding “playing as a couple” often going wrong makes so much sense. I wish I’d had that nugget of advice sooner, I may have made some different decisions, but again, neither D nor I have regret for having shared the experience with J. We were learning, and our hope was that we could explore safely together with each other’s support and that did happen too. We had some beautiful experiences together with J, before things got complicated and a few brief encounters with others too.

I did continue my relationship with J though it was fraught with unresolved issues. The negotiations between the three of us, and the uncomfortable conversations between D and I went on and on. At the point that D accepted our relationship(honestly, an extraordinary
amount of work on his part), J’s primary began to take issue with it.

Our youngest son died tragically in March of 2019. Our family and each other were our primary focus, and our grief consumed our very being. I struggled with my anxiety and depression. I think we all did. And of course, the grief, the grief, the grief…

A lot changed for me after N’s death. Though I did continue my relationship with J, and with S, another lover, and I dated some, but little by little, I lost interest and didn’t seem to have the bandwidth for seeking other relationships or staying invested in my established relationships. Covid also played a role.

I’m so happy that I have found this forum to voice my story, to get worthwhile feedback and to be heard. Thank you I really do appreciate you and your insights.
 
I'm very sorry for your loss of your youngest son. It sounds like that was the pivotal event that led to your polyamorous endeavor dissolving.
 
Thank you for sharing a piece of your backstory. How incredibly difficult and painful for you. Your experience parallels my story, except that in my case I was the one causing the hurt, and our marriage didn’t end as a result. Wow! I’m so sorry.

Your thoughts regarding “playing as a couple” often going wrong makes so much sense. I wish I’d had that nugget of advice sooner, I may have made some different decisions, but again, neither D nor I have regret for having shared the experience with J. We were learning, and our hope was that we could explore safely together with each other’s support and that did happen too. We had some beautiful experiences together with J, before things got complicated and a few brief encounters with others too.

I did continue my relationship with J though it was fraught with unresolved issues. The negotiations between the three of us, and the uncomfortable conversations between D and I went on and on. At the point that D accepted our relationship(honestly, an extraordinary
amount of work on his part), J’s primary began to take issue with it.

Our youngest son died tragically in March of 2019. Our family and each other were our primary focus, and our grief consumed our very being. I struggled with my anxiety and depression. I think we all did. And of course, the grief, the grief, the grief…

A lot changed for me after N’s death. Though I did continue my relationship with J, and with S, another lover, and I dated some, butlittle by little, I lost interest and didn’t seem to have the bandwidth for seeking other relationships or staying invested in my established relationships. Covid also played a role.

I’m so happy that I have found this forum to voice my story, to get worthwhile feedback and to be heard. Thank you I really do appreciate you and your insights.
dingedheart said:
Hi and welcome to the forum.

So sorry for you loss or losses i can’t imagine. Lots of couples don’t make it through those difficult times. Did you seek counseling either individually or as a couple. How many yrs did you withdraw from your husband before he decided to step out. Was he making his concerns known to you at the time. And then I suppose he sort of dropped it because he was getting those needs met elsewhere and that took pressure off you so that worked for you right ? How many yrs did you operate like that ( if that’s even remotely close to the situation ) ?

WHAT made you change you mind with being poly ? How long did you see J. And would you say you fell in love with J or it was just a sexual NSA thing ?
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Hi and thank you.
It’s true, our marriage has overcome insurmountable loss and challenge.

Yes, we have sought out therapy many times throughout our years together(both together and individually) starting after the loss of our first child.

My emotional withdrawal has been a behavioral coping strategy that has clouded our marriage from time to time for years. That no longer happens, though I do need space from D following a date. Just breathing room.

At the point that D began to explore outside of our marriage our life was spiraling out of our control on multiple fronts. We were at odds and our communication had completely broken down.

Things shifted for me after the loss of our youngest son N. I did continue my relationship with J for some time after N’s death, and I also continued to date S(another lover), but once those relationships ended, I really lost interest in continuing. The fallout from Covid played a big part as well. J and I were involved for 4 years off and on. We definitely shared strong feelings for each other.
 
kdt26417 said:
I'm very sorry for your loss of your youngest son. It sounds like that was the pivotal event that led to your polyamorous endeavor dissolving.
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Thank you. He was an amazing young man. I miss him every day. I think that is partly true. I lost my spirit, a light went out inside of me. I did continue dating for awhile following his death, even met new people, but eventually I realized that my head and my heart weren’t in it.
 
I'm very sorry for the loss of your first child. It seems that that is a blow from which you never fully recovered. Then you lost your youngest son, and that was like a double blow. No wonder you've had troubles in your marriage.
 
Thank you for providing more of the back story. IMO, it really helps.


Heart to heart said:
A tough situation, but I’m fully aware of how I got here. Now, I’m doing the hard work of learning how to live with his being poly while I’m mono.
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What specific things or feelings are making it hard being mono? Large gaps in your schedule, loneliness, loss of something you regarded as special? Are you feeling insecure?

Heart to heart said:
On some level, I embrace the challenge, and I also struggle to accept my circumstances.
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I think embracing the challenge is good, but I think you need to identify what the nuts and bolts of that challenge are, and what you find distasteful or negative about your circumstances.

I'm not sure how to phrase this, but did or do your kids know of the open status of your marriage and did/do they have strong opinions on it?
 
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kdt26417 said:
I'm very sorry for the loss of your first child. It seems that that is a blow from which you never fully recovered. Then you lost your youngest son, and that was like a double blow. No wonder you've had troubles in your marriage.
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Thank you for your acknowledgment and your understanding. You are correct, our losses have had a compounding effect on both of us and the circumstances surrounding them have been complicated and difficult to comprehend as well.
Though, in many ways we have navigated traumatic loss and circumstances well together, it has also taken a tremendous toll on our marriage.
 
I think the grief you felt, and feel, about the kids you lost, has spilled over into your experience with poly. Like maybe you have insecurities that make it hard to enjoy poly.
 
Yes. My kids have always held my heart. Having lost my first child really affected my prioritization in my relationships. My children have been my world and D took a backseat… not ok. I do struggle with my insecurities. And, I think that my intentions going into an open lifestyle were not clear. I jumped in without thinking it through.
 
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