poly without sex

lilith108

New member
Hi there, I have been in a relationship with a polyamorous partner for the last 18 months. We have an incredibe relationship. I have been open to polyamory in theory. However - in practice I simply do not want to be sexually intimate with anyone else but him at this point. This is simply what has unfolded fo me, and I have been honest with him from the start of our relationship, that I am not necessarily committed to polyamory. I guess that ambiamorous better describes me. I flow with what each relationship is asking for. My partner was committed to polyamory. He has a nesting partner, and does not practice hierarchy. During our relationship he decided to explire polyfidelity - and committed to the two of us. This came from his own desire and not from pressure. Prior to that he had many and frequent relationships with other women. Then 4 months ago, he anounced that he had had a strong realisation that he did not want to be sexual with anyone else but myself. Including his nesting partner. One part of me loved this, and another part of me has really really struggled, as I was in the zone of finding my way with polyamory, and suddenly he has changed the landscape profoundly and I am at sea and not sure what the hell to make of it. 4 months along and he says he cannot imagine that he is going to change on this issue - he is still only wanting to be sexually intimate with myself. He still lives with his nesting partner, and describes the relationship as mildly romantic, affectionate and in partnership. Noone else knows that they are no longer sexual - as requested by her. And I have honoured that need for privacy. Since this took place, the nesting partner has had understandably strong and jealous feelings. I no longer feel welcome in my partners home. Which also really hurts. However, i am not accepted in this mononormative bloody culture that we are in as anything more than the 'other woman'. and that hurts more than ever tbh. The invalidation by tribe of what we he and I are to each other. And yes - I know its modernity bullshit, but still it really hurts me. Has anyone else had experience within polyamory of being nonsexual but still in partnership? I certainly believe in platonic intimacy as super inportant and have a lot of that in my life. I don't begrudge him that. Or his journey with his nesting partner. but its bloody confusing to me nonethless, to find my ground in all of this. many thanks
 
Well, that was a bit of a bombshell he dropped on his nesting partner, especially if she wasn't ready to transition to a non-sexual relationship with him. I trust he's open to her having other partners, too. It's clearly been a bombshell for you, too, even if it seems to be in your favour right now - you were working towards one thing and now it's another. No wonder you're feeling confused. After all, he could change his mind again sometime in the future even if he can't imagine it right now. And in the meantime, this decision has caused a rift between you and his nesting partner and has put you in the position of being the 'other woman' to her, not just people outside the polycule.

But that aside, yes, we are still up against a mononormative culture, although there are growing pockets of acceptance. I suspect you'll find that you and he need to develop your own circle of friends wherein you are seen as his partner in a more egalitarian sense.

As for your question about being non sexual in a nesting partnership, and sexual in other partnerships - without divulging other people's business, I'm just going to say Yes, this is an extremely common theme for people I know both in ethical and non-ethical non-monogamy. It's really not uncommon at all.
 
thank you for taking the time to reply. I think it was a quite the bombshell for her. And ye s- she does have other partners. He is a deeply ethical person and loyal person- but believes in honouring where one is at. And yes - I guess that means he can change again. But anyone can - can't they. that is the risk of lovin!
 
I’ve been through a period as a nesting partner of no intimacy and told my partner that it made me feel like we were just in domestic partnership and friends. He didn’t see it that way as we still had the odd kisses.
My situation though is very different. At the same time I have three emotionally supportive partners, two of whom have zero sexual interaction. When it’s a change in a nesting relationship that was sexual it will create some feelings. Maybe see if she wants to chat with you about it. Show you are considering her in all of this. Women deal with things differently to men
 
My nesting partner, MrS, and I are rarely sexual - he is rather grey-Ace. This is, however, HIS choice. I am willing to be exactly as sexual with him as he wishes to be with me - when I am getting my sexual needs met, to some extent, elsewhere. I will say that it can be difficult being the person who still would like the relationship to be sexual. Sex with partner B cannot replace sex with partner A. You can't make someone want to be sexual with you, but rejection hurts. I think that this would be more difficult if you knew that your partner was sexual with other partners, but NOT you (whereas MrS is rarely sexual with anyone, including me).

It's rough, although not unexpected, that HIS decision has poisoned whatever relationship you have with your meta (even if only "polite company" previously - you no longer feel welcome in their house). I practice a mostly kitchen-table sort of poly and tend to date within our circle of intimate friends, so meta relationships are very important. Some polycules practice a more parallel poly model, where metas are aware of each other but don't generally interact beyond that, and may put close friends on their "messy person" list of people who are off-lmits for partners to date. (MY "messy persons" list includes family members and work colleagues.)
... Women deal with things differently to men

This may be a cultural expectation, however, I would say a truer statement might be "Different people deal with things differently." I would say that it is the people in the "nesting partner" relationship have the responsibility to tend to THAT relationship. If there are requests that can be made of meta that would help, for instance "Please respect Fridays from 7-10 as "nesting partner time" and don't expect immediate responses to non-urgent texts and calls.", then it would be nice for that to be honored but ultimately it is the hinge's responsibility to manage their own boundaries.

JaneQ
 
Hi lilith108,

Luckily poly does not require sex, it just requires romance. So your partner could still be considered polyamorous, even though he is not having sex with his nesting partner. However, poly also requires consent, and I am not sure whether his nesting partner consents to the current arrangement. She may be just going along with it to avoid a breakup, however her true feelings may be showing when she has strong and jealous feelings toward you, and does not want to welcome you in her home. She may feel that as long as you are getting sex and she isn't, that she would rather you not be in the picture. There is no right or wrong in any of this, it is just how she feels (if I am guessing correctly).

It's a big change, for all three of you, that's for sure.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Hi lilith108,

Luckily poly does not require sex, it just requires romance. So your partner could still be considered polyamorous, even though he is not having sex with his nesting partner. However, poly also requires consent, and I am not sure whether his nesting partner consents to the current arrangement. She may be just going along with it to avoid a breakup, however her true feelings may be showing when she has strong and jealous feelings toward you, and does not want to welcome you in her home. She may feel that as long as you are getting sex and she isn't, that she would rather you not be in the picture. There is no right or wrong in any of this, it is just how she feels (if I am guessing correctly).

It's a big change, for all three of you, that's for sure.
Regards,
Kevin T.
Yes. It is hard for me to digest because on the one hand I can understand why she would feel hostile towards me - because we are feeling breathing human beings, and this stuff can be so hard! On the other hand, it really hurts because I actually have not personally been instrumental to this new dynamic they have - well - not directly... like putting pressure on him...

I guess the 'consent' part is that they had pre-consent, from the start of their relationship, to be in a type of polyamory where 'anything goes'. They have no hierarchy, no longterm commitment, no other expectations other than to treat one another with integrity. My partner describes this as being one of the beautiful things about their relationship...that they are compeltely 'free' to be as they flow in each moment with the living cosmos sort of thing. Even the house that they both live in....my partner owns, and she is officially a tennant in their dynamic. Havng said that - she is involved in renovations and space choices etc. But they were very clear at the start that they do not want to get financially entangled - so that she would be free to have her own place as and when she ever wants it. And so I guess in the beauty of such freedom comes risk. I don't mean that to be heartless. I would not feel secure in my relationship without some levels of understanding of commitment. While at the same time I honour that things, people, relationships do change, and noone should be forced out of their own deep alignment based on prior commitment. But....I'm just not freakin evolved enough to be able to be in total relationship freefall like that. Thats the honest truth...

I know that in the first couple of months after he made this announcement to her it was very hard, and she was hurt, and she does have expectations that he will return sexually to the relationship. Now - they don't even discuss it any more, and seem to be going fine.

And then - I feel wrong to be even pondering their dynamic, as I know it is their business.

I really appreciate the input here. Thanks so much everyone. The further I go in my poly journey the more discierning I am becoming about what is my own cultural conditioning, what is my inner child insecurities, and what is my real core grownup truth. I really appreciate how polyamory has made me grow in such ways. Atm - I have no idea what is causing me all this internal unrest. Is it more insecurity and jealousy? - undoubtedly in part. But I feel there is also a grownup voice in there that is simply not happy with how things are in this whole dynamic right now. I'm not sure tbh. I do know that our relationship is amazing, and I feel childish for 'wanting more'. Not going to his home anymore is painful.

Also - I have been unable to debrief with friends because his other partner has requested that noone know about their change in sexual status. And I have kept this promise other than to a counselor - which I gained permision from my partner to discuss. So within our corner of the world I am viewed very much as the 'other woman' and she as the proper partner. And it doesn't matter how much I know this is Modernity bullshit....it impacts me greatly. It just stings. Not having status is a primal hit too. Being accepted by tribe and all that stuff....

Am I a complete arsehole for being this petulent? I mean my higher self has compassion for her situation. My lower self is like - you made choices to take the risk to be entirely 'free', and yet you still have all the status and priviledge that society and he confer on the 'primary' even though they don't do 'primary'. He admits that I am the one meeting the majority of his emotional needs, and now his sexual needs...he sees me as his total sancutary. I have even moved into the stepparenting of his two teenage daughters who previously had not been spending time at their dads home, and he parenting mine. Yet - I fear by saying these things I am simply making excuses for myself. He is basically a great man on a journey. And I a woman on mine.

Fuck - being human can be very hard sometimes!!!!!

with grateful thanks
 
They have a prior agreement that they would practice a type of polyamory where anything goes. But she does not seem to be in that same frame of mind today. She is finding out that "anything goes" isn't really exactly what she wants. And right now that discovery might be subconscious. She might be disliking you without knowing why.

I do not think you are in an easy situation. You are being obligated to prop up a facade, while doing all of the heavy lifting behind the scenes.
 
They have a prior agreement that they would practice a type of polyamory where anything goes. But she does not seem to be in that same frame of mind today. She is finding out that "anything goes" isn't really exactly what she wants. And right now that discovery might be subconscious. She might be disliking you without knowing why.

I do not think you are in an easy situation. You are being obligated to prop up a facade, while doing all of the heavy lifting behind the scenes.
that is a great response. thank you. Everyone is doing their best - all three of us are deeply caring people. But yes - that's exactly how I feel - that I am doing the heavy lifting. So much shadow work...so much working on myself to be able to hold this. Thank you for witnessing this in my journey
 
I am sorry you struggle.

My impressions might be off. I don't know if this helps you any. If it were me in your shoes?

I'd be kinda like "Hang on there BF... You just up and change the whole model from the sky? We're just supposed to go along with that?"

It doesn't sound like either you or his other partner got much a voice here. Did you?

If yes, and you all agreed to it... I suppose a transition period is to be expected for all of you.

But somehow it still feels off to me.

For me? I'd try not too worry too much about my meta and her problems. I get it is a surprise to go from lover and nesting partner to... kinda mostly tenant/roomie? But that's her side of the V to manage. And she can't MAKE him share sex with her if he doesn't want to.

But all the other stuff? Wassup with that?

If it were me in your shoes? If I was feeling like this?

Atm - I have no idea what is causing me all this internal unrest. Is it more insecurity and jealousy? - undoubtedly in part. But I feel there is also a grownup voice in there that is simply not happy with how things are in this whole dynamic right now.

I'd listen to my feelings bubbling up and take a time out to reflect.

I guess I'd be surprised because I've only been in this 18 mos. NRE lasts 6 mos to 24 mos so... why are you latching on to me sooo hard BF? Esp when you aren't ready to be "out" as poly to your friends and family and introduce me as your other partner to them?

Why bring me all this new work?

Why this urge for polyfidelity? Then only sharing sex with me? Then all your emotional labor? AND being step parent to your kids? And you want to get all involved with mine?

All this relationship escalator stuff... WHY? WHY NOW?

He admits that I am the one meeting the majority of his emotional needs, and now his sexual needs...he sees me as his total sancutary. I have even moved into the stepparenting of his two teenage daughters who previously had not been spending time at their dads home, and he parenting mine.

I like kids and all, and I'd be kind to them if a partner had kids and I ran into them or was invited to some family day thing.

But I don't want anyone getting close to my kids trying to be all "step parent" to them when they just aren't a step parent. I also would not want to take on any kind of "step parent" role to any children I have not actually adopted as step kids. Because I don't want to get emotionally bonded and attached to a child, invest a lot, and then be at the mercy of the bio parents with legal custody if I am or am not allowed to see them anymore if something goes wahoonie.

To be meeting the bulk of someone's emotional needs when I'm not sure what "place" I have in their life and they aren't "out" yet to their friends and family about our relationship? I'd wonder if there's this expectation for me to invest lots while getting little return on my investment. Like I'm just supposed to do most of the giving in the relationship?

I'm ok chillin' over here not riding the relationship escalator. Keeping it casual and light. So I'd pass. Wait out the NRE, and wait to see about introductions first before getting more "serious." Slow this down.

Is this what bothers you that you can't quite put your finger on and why you seem envious of the other partner?

Like she gets to enjoy "pride of place" in his life as the "serious partner" or "kinda wife." And now she gets to do less work.

When you now do MORE work -- more of the actual labor now (even though she didn't ask for these changes). And then you still don't get recognized in any way in public by him or presented to his family and friends as "my other serious partner" or similar?

I have been unable to debrief with friends because his other partner has requested that noone know about their change in sexual status.

Could debrief with friends WITHOUT talking about sex.

Cuz it really isn't about the sex. I could be wrong but it sounds like it's you wondering "BF... What place in your life do I occupy now? And is it one I agreed to be in and I am happy to be in? Or is it one I got railroaded into because I'm a poly newbie?"

Am I a complete arsehole for being this petulent? I mean my higher self has compassion for her situation. My lower self is like - you made choices to take the risk to be entirely 'free', and yet you still have all the status and priviledge that society and he confer on the 'primary' even though they don't do 'primary'.

You don't seem petulant to me. You seem confused.

And maybe aiming your upset at her head instead of where it belongs -- you voicing it to him. She wasn't the one making these cavalier sounding changes to the poly relationship model.

Galagirl
 
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I am not sure whether this is your bf's NRE talking, or not. I'd say, on average, NRE has almost or completely waned by 18 months (except in cases of long-distance relationships.) Personally, I am in a relationship of 6-months duration, where we spend about 50 hours a week together, and I feel we are moving from NRE to established relationship intimacy (ERI) already. You can't spend that much time together a week and not be getting to know each other pretty darn well.

That said, I am sure there are multiple reasons your bf has lost desire for his current nesting partner. That's their business. Many long-term partners do lose much, most or all desire. And often it is uneven; one person loses desire and the other doesn't, which sucks for the rejected partner. But it is what it is. I do feel badly for her. I understand why she doesn't want you in her house reminding her of how she doesn't get her bf's sexual attention anymore. Maybe she'll break up with him if it's just not feeling satisfying anymore, and downright hurtful. But that's none of your business.

You have no "right" to be in her home, whether they were still having sex or not. If your bf's teenagers are happy to come to your house to be "parented" by you, at least you get that sort of family feeling. Maybe your kids get along with his and you enjoy that.

As far as not being accepted as his co-primary by your circle of friends, I think you and bf could have a good talk about coming out as his co-primary. Either that, or get new friends who are poly, relationship anarchists, swingers or whatever. This "other woman" idea does not fit into the poly dynamic.

I am not sure what you mean by "Modernism" creating this problem. Can you explain?
 
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