Polycurious with a past

poisonthivy

poisonthivy

New member
My husband and I will have been together for 11 years in March.

When we first got together, we discussed our past relationship, and the topic of open relationships came up, as I had previously been in one that did not end on a good note. Without going into detail, ground rules were broken and the ending of that relationship did a number on me. I was fairly young when this happened.

Recently, he has brought up being poly and asked how I would feel about having a third in our relationship. It was a bit of a shock because previous conversation lead me to think he was also into a strictly monogamous relationship.

Evidently, what with my previous issues, and the negativity surrounding poly relationships from society and family, he'd put it on the back burner. However, with the strength of our relationship, he wanted to explore that possibility.

I will say the thought does make me curious. However, the logistics keep popping up in my head.

How do you deal with jealousy? Like, it's one thing to have a threesome and never have to see that person again, but this is a whole relationship and I personally have never had romantic feelings for a woman. Do I find women attractive and sexy? Absolutely. But I've never had feelings of intimacy in that way.

I know that starting a poly relationship is opening a Pandora's box that cannot be closed again. That sting of the previous relationship still sits in the back of my head.

Do you go see a therapist? Do you just talk it out? I want both of us to continue to be happy, but how do you deal with the feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, etc.?
 
Greetings poisonthivy,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like your husband is proposing an MF+F throuple/triad? where you would be expected to be intimate with the added female? I can see where that would rub you the wrong way, you do not seem to be bisexual. What about the idea of him having a second female partner, while you have a second male partner? Would that arrangement be more to your liking? Here's some info on coping with jealousy:
I hope that helps. I also think a poly-friendly therapist would be helpful for you, and I would talk it out as well. Communication is so important in polyamory. Also I encourage you to keep posting here. If you want you can post in Poly Relationships Corner, where you have better odds of getting more responses from more people.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
poisonthivy said:
how I would feel about having a third in our relationship
Click to expand...
I want to focus on this, as you say you aren't bi. Since you aren't bisexual, I'd recommend a hard no on that one. Triads are much harder to navigate than dating separately, and there would be pressure to have you two to have a relationship that you aren't interested in.

Many people think that polyamory means triads only. This is very wrong. One of my partners actually had a coworker tell him that he’s not poly since we all don't have sex with each other. Yep, a monogamous man telling a poly man that he’s not poly and has no idea what he’s talking about. My partner just laughed at him and walked away.

I would encourage you to read some books like Opening Up or More Than Two. Listen to podcasts like Multiamory or Making Polyamory Work. Talk to him about parallel poly. Sometimes couples think adding a third is easier or safer because it's one person you both love. but the reality is it's much harder.

There are a ton of threads about triads in this forum. Just do a search for "adding a third."
 
Welcome.

You aren't obligated to do poly if you don't want to. Your husband is assuming a whole bunch of things here.

When your husband says "polyamory," does he mean what you mean, or is he mixing up all types of "non-monogamy" in there because lack of vocabulary and education? Are you?

And even if you MIGHT be interested in poly, you are not obligated to just jump in. You are not obligated to date the same person as him and do a triad. Group sex is a thing of its own. It's NOT a requirement in poly. You could:
  • Date the same person and share group sex
  • Date the same person and not share group sex
  • Date the same person, but you and husband share group sex with other folks, not with this person
  • Date separate people, but share group sex with husband and some other folks
  • Date separate people, but share group sex with some other folks, NOT with your husband
  • Date separate people, AND you and husband ALSO have your separate group sex partners
  • Date separate people but you (singular) do NOT share group sex, while husband does share group sex with others
  • Date separate people, and neither of you take part in group sex, but maybe some of your partners do share group sex with others
  • Maybe take part in swinging, kink, or having FWBs
See how it's all up to the individual what they do and do not consent to participate in, what kinds of nonmonogamy they are going to be doing and with whom?

If you want to talk to a poly counselor to think this out, you could try here: https://www.polyfriendly.org/ to seek one that "fits" or "clicks" for you.

Listen to podcasts like
www.multiamory.com

Multiamory

Multiamory offers support and advice for modern relationships: polyamory, monogamy, monogamish, swinging, casual dating, relationship anarchy, and more. Est. 2014, our weekly podcast has brought our faithful community of listeners the latest research, personal experiences and a diverse group of sex
www.multiamory.com www.multiamory.com

Read books.

Opening Up has a lot of worksheets in it. You can read it free online.

archive.org


Opening up : a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships : Taormino, Tristan, 1971- : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive​



The worksheets are also here:

Wayback Machine
Self Evaluation

Wayback Machine
Creating Authentic Relationships

Wayback Machine
Reflecting on Change

Wayback Machine
Open Relationship Checklist

There's also other resources.

www.scarleteen.com

A First Polyamory Guide

(Mostly) everything (okay, okay, not mostly everything, but a lot) you wanted to know about polyamory.
www.scarleteen.com www.scarleteen.com

Some of what you're talking and worrying about is addressed here:


kathylabriola.com - UNMASKING THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER: MANAGING JEALOUSY IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS

By Kathy Labriola, Counselor/Nurse JEALOUSY IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS In my counseling practice, I work with many people who have chosen to have open relationships--to have more than one intimate sexual relationship. The biggest obstacle to creating successful and satisfying open relationships is
www.kathylabriola.com www.kathylabriola.com

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for
www.kathylabriola.com www.kathylabriola.com

There is a LOT to think about, learn about and contemplate. I suggest not jumping in blind and going in underprepared. Read and give serious thought and consideration to this.

And remember, it is okay to do all that deep consideration and still come out with: "I considered this. But no, it's not for me." Your consent to do things or not belongs to YOU.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Bobbi and GG gave great advice. The things they suggest doing, considering, learning about are the things you didn't do the first time, that made "polyamory," or an "open relationship" go badly for you.

In poly, to do it properly, what is needed is the informed and joyful consent of all involved. So, get informed.

There should be no coercion, no going along with it just to please your partner or to try and hold onto him no matter what.

I'd also suggest asking him to answer you honestly if he's crushing on someone specific right now. Often that is what is behind the reason people ask their partners to consider opening up. And if he says no, keep in mind that he might be lying about it out of guilt. It's understandable in our culture when people do this, since monogamy is "supposed" to mean we never look at another person and find them attractive ever again, once we commit to The One. This is, of course, completely unrealistic and against human nature. As wise people say, "I'm married. I'm not dead."

But your hubs is being naive to ask you to have sex with a woman or women he feels drawn to, just to "do this together," if it goes against your own nature.

I am not saying that you may never actually fall for another woman. You already find some women attractive and even sexy. There's a chance you'd feel drawn towards another woman emotionally some day. Our sexualities are fluid.

Just the same, the chances that both you and hubs will be attracted to the same woman, and her to both of you, and for it to be a long-term forever combination of relationships, is slim to none.

In a triad there are several relationships, NOT just one.

you+hubs
hubs+other woman
you+other woman
all three of you together

Each dyad needs its own space and nurturing to grow. There needs to be one-on-one time for each dyad, not just group dates. And that means the other woman gets to have sex with each of you individually. It's completely unfair for her to only be "allowed" three-way sex, when you and hubs can have one-on-one sex whenever she's not around (or even when she's sleeping alone in your guest room!). (Yes, we see this here all the time.)

One final thought. If you do decide to open, that should mean you both date individually of the gender you are drawn to. So, if you're drawn to another MAN, you get to date him too. There's no double standard, where he gets to date other women, but you only get to date other women too, because he doesn't find that threatening. You're not really drawn to women! You like men. So you get to date men, and hubs has to deal with his (possible) insecurities around that.
 
poisonthivy said:
My husband and I will have been together for 11 years in March.
Click to expand...
How long have you been married? Do you have kids, either separately or together?

poisonthivy said:
When we first got together, we discussed our past relationship, and the topic of open relationships came up, as I had previously been in one that did not end on a good note. Without going into detail, ground rules were broken and the ending of that relationship did a number on me. I was fairly young when this happened.

Recently, he has brought up being poly and asked how I would feel about having a third in our relationship. It was a bit of a shock because previous conversation lead me to think he was also into a strictly monogamous relationship.
Click to expand...
Other than you sharing your past experiences, has he done any other research into this topic? Bottom line, does he know the door or road he’s suggesting you both go down? Never was there a more fitting expression than, “Be careful what you wish for."

poisonthivy said:
However, with the strength of our relationship, he wanted to explore that possibility.
Click to expand...
It’s good to be positive, but pretty much 90% of people who come here think the same thing and, sadly, a high %age fail.

poisonthivy said:
I will say the thought does make me curious. However, the logistics keep popping up in my head.
Click to expand...
Theories and concepts can be beautiful. Everything gets real once you’re in the trenches. Finite resources are a bitch.

poisonthivy said:
How do you deal with jealousy? Like, it's one thing to have a threesome and never have to see that person again, but this is a whole relationship and I personally have never had romantic feelings for a woman. Do I find women attractive and sexy? Absolutely. But I've never had feelings of intimacy in that way.
Click to expand...
Distraction, compartmentalization, rationalization, behavior-modification technique, good old-fashioned alcohol mixed with denial. 🥴😉 Or the expensive way is to pay a therapist.

poisonthivy said:
I know that starting a poly relationship is opening a Pandora's box that cannot be closed again. That sting of the previous relationship still sits in the back of my head.
Click to expand...
Yes, it's very hard to unring bells. The old relationship is dead and something new and different is built in its place. Prepare to mourn the loss.

poisonthivy said:
Do you go see a therapist? Do you just talk it out? I want both of us to continue to be happy, but how do you deal with the feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, etc.?
Click to expand...
Yes and yes. However, I think talking, specifically empty words, can make these difficult times worse. If the words aren’t backed up with some actions or genuine feeling, it ends up feeling like manipulation and dishonesty and disrespect. Before long, you’re in a death spiral.
 
We have been married for four going on five years and no kids. I have advised him that I need to do research and get more information before I make a concrete decision. I will say that what I have read so far has absolutely opened my eyes. He is in a few poly groups and I believe it's something he has been thinking about for awhile so its not a whim for him. For me there is a big fear of losing what we already have, with how far we've come and the things we have already worked through.
 
Hello poisonthivy,

It is smart of you to take some time researching about poly, all relationships are a risk, you are trying to not lose what you and he already have. The two of you have been through a lot together. You don't want to lose that.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
poisonthivy said:
For me there is a big fear of losing what we already have, with how far we've come and the things we have already worked through
Click to expand...
I cannot speak to the strength of your relationship but I can tell you that you will lose what you have, in a sense. Once you open to poly, things change. You will have to grieve the relationship you have now and build a new one in poly. Sometimes this happens several times throughout the relationship. Note that it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes things crash and burn and sometimes you create a much stronger, more emotionally and communicationally open relationship that’s more fulfilling and stronger than before.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top