Predator Poly Couples

[dingedheart]

How do you slander someone on an anonymous forum?

This sounds like the swingers' version of waking up without your eyebrows or half a permanent marker mustache.

Yeah, fucked up. I remember my first drink. It was all fun, right up until the forced blowjob. How did your clothes come off? You were forced?

Friends don't let friends swing drunk. Chalk it up to a life lesson.

 

[Marcus]

How do you slander someone on an anonymous forum?

That's a fair clarification request. Most people here are pretty much anonymous so there is no risk of reputation damage (other than reputation on this board, I guess), so your point is valid. This is however a place where people share ideas and outlooks and it is reasonable to assume that at least some people are going to walk away from reading these threads with a new or reinforced viewpoint on how to behave out in the world.

If that is true, then what we say here is a reflection of how we behave in the 'real world' and I am inclined to discourage people from calling "RAPE" when what really happened is they got drunk and fucked someone. I propose that the world would be a demonstrably better place if people were less likely to have other peoples' reputations, and possibly their freedom, injured, simply because they made a dumb mistake.

So, it isn't the slander in here that I'm worried about. It is carrying these ideals out to the world and harming people with them that I want to discourage.

 

[opalescent]

OP,

You and your partner have my sympathy. Do get counseling, separately and together.

It appears to me that you and your wife were manipulated and abused. That is not normal and it is not poly and it is never acceptable. Neither of you could really give, or withdraw, consent. A lack of 'No' or the inability to say 'No' is not consent.

 

[bookbug]

I am wondering whether Bookbug has misread that section, what the OP wrote was:

She was forced to finish the first blowjob she ever gave. She is uncomfortable with doing them. Therefore, according to the OP, she would not have enjoyed this more aggressive dominant blowjob experience with this man. That's how I read it, at least.

Um, if I am not mistaken, isn't the very definition of rape "forced?" The idea of somebody holding me down and fucking me in the mouth while I gag is horrific.

 

[bookbug]

I am not saying the OPs didn't put themselves in a very bad position, nor am I saying that at least part of it was not consensual. That said, I do not understand why it is the husband's place to forgive the wife. He is just as responsible for what happened as she is. It makes it sound like she did something wrong that he did not.

 

[GalaGirl]

This is NOT healthy sounding. Even if consent were given initially, it sounds like it went haywire somewhere along the line along with communication.

I'm sorry you guys went through that.

I am glad you are seeing a counselor to process and heal. This goes beyond getting the support of internet strangers. You guys need professional support. It also sounds like you are coming to terms with a lot of layers (from college to now) that may have been triggered and figuring out what to do next.

In these first few days, try to not ask "Why?" kinds of things of yourself or each other.

You could ask "What can I do for myself and my spouse? How can I help make the days between a therapy appt easier on us?" instead.

You could leave the "why" processing to do with the support of your counselor. If there are grounds to press charges, that is something else to sort out.

You could take the "time out" to come down from the "fight or flight" hormone/brain chemistry you both seem to have gone through. That takes a few days to clear your body. Do the basics-- eat well, sleep well, take a walk to clear your mind, etc.

Again, I'm glad you have arranged for a counselor. Do what you need to do in your aftercare, including get screened for STDs. Look after ALL your health issues here -- physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, etc. BREATHE. Move it forward, one small step at a time.

Namaste,
Galagirl

 

[Natja]

Bookbug, the OP did not say she was held down on their night with the couple. The forced blowjob was something which happened (presumably) a long time ago. The OP feels that therefore that his wife would have found face fucking a horrible experience. However, that is NOT to say that a) she was held down or b) that the act in itself is a violent act. Many people have and do it on a regular basis without any sort of violent veneer over the act (or even a BDSM/kink veneer). It is just a sex act like any other.

When the OP says he forgives her, he is talking about their night with the couple (no force, imo, although a lot of being taken advantage of and a heap load of regret), not something which happened a long time before they met.

 

[Marcus]

That said, I do not understand why it is the husband's place to forgive the wife. He is just as responsible for what happened as she is. It makes it sound like she did something wrong that he did not.

As far as I can tell, no one did anything that is in need of forgiving. If hubby thinks this was a mistake, then he needs to learn to deal with it and maybe not put himself in that position again. I guess maybe he needs to forgive himself for a series of actions which he now regrets. I'm sure she can take care of her own need for forgiveness (if indeed that need is present).

The idea of somebody holding me down and fucking me in the mouth while I gag is horrific.

A considerate lover would surely stop doing that to you once they realized you weren't into it. That is, of course, assuming that you were not into it and alerted the person of this immediately.

My problem with calling this couple rapists is that I haven't heard that either the husband or the wife gave any indication that they were not completely into it at any point. If even one time, one of them had said, "Hey, hang on, this is going too fast" or "Quit it" or "Stop," this would be an entirely different conversation. Since none of that ever happened there is just no reason to throw those terms around.

This is a learning experience, not a reason to call the police. You do realize that rape is sexual assault and the police need to be called. If it's rape, then it is not an intellectual discussion and there shouldn't be any doubt whatsoever... because someone will have been raped. Men with guns and body armor need to smash down that couples door, throw them to the ground and put them into steel restraints, and they need to be hauled off to prison where they will only be able to rape other inmates. Their children need to be confiscated and taken to foster homes to protect them from the rapists. How can calling an act "rape" be taken so lightly? Rape is a fucking EMERGENCY!

 

[bookbug]

Bookbug, the OP did not say she was held down on their night with the couple. The forced blowjob was something which happened (presumably) a long time ago. The OP feels that therefore his wife would have found face fucking a horrible experience. However, that is NOT to say that a) she was held down or b) that the act in itself is a violent act. Many people have and do it on a regular basis without any sort of violent veneer over the act (or even a BDSM/kink veneer). It is just a sex act like any other.

When the OP says he forgives her, he is talking about their night with the couple (no force imo, although a lot of being taken advantage of and a heap load of regret), not something which happened a long time before they met.

Oh, okay. I am relieved. The account is a bit disjointed and I certainly could have misread. Thanks for clarifying!

 

[bookbug]

My problem with calling this couple rapists is that I haven't heard that either the husband or the wife gave any indication that they were not completely into it at any point. Even even one time one of them had said "Hey, hang on, this is going to fast" or "Quit it" or "Stop"... this would be an entirely different conversation. Since none of that ever happened there is just no reason to throw those terms around.

This is a learning experience, not a reason to call the police.

Because you do realize that rape is sexual assault and the police need to be called. If it's rape then it is not an intellectual discussion and there shouldn't be any doubt whatsoever... because someone will have been raped. Men with guns and body armor need to smash down that couples door, throw them to the ground and put into steel restraints, and they need to be hauled off to prison where they will only be able to rape other inmates. Their children need to be confiscated and taken to foster homes to protect them from the rapists. How can calling an act "rape" be taken so lightly? Rape is a fucking EMERGENCY!

I see your point. Apparently I misread. That said, while rape may be a fucking emergency, sadly woman do get forced, sometimes at gunpoint, sometimes through intimidation, and it often does not get reported. Or, because she didn't fight back, it's not considered rape.

 

[Vixtoria]

There was actually a case RECENTLY where a judge dismissed a case of rape because the rapists didn't actually come, therefore, it wasn't really rape.

 

[bookbug]

there was actually a case RECENTLY where a judge dismissed a case of rape because the rapists didn't actually come. So it wasn't really rape.

I am speechless. Retry for assault then?

 

[LovingRadiance]

I didn't read all of the replies, BUT from reading the first 5 posts, here's my two cents, if you want it.

It's never a bright idea to go out socializing and have every party in your group be drinking. Designated drivers can serve multiple purposes-including saying, "Hey-- not a bright idea tonight," in regards to taking home strangers.

I don't see this as a poly situation, but I do see it as a group of people EACH making unsound choices that led to dangerous and emotionally damaging circumstances.

Everyone has their own rules for themselves.

For me, I don't go out drinking without a VERY CLOSE friend who is COMPLETELY sober.
I don't hook up for sex until I know someone well enough to talk frankly about sex and relationships stone-cold sober.
I don't do first time sex while drinking.
I am anal retentive about letting everyone know (not just potentials) that NO is NO, and if it isn't a RESOUNDING "FUCK YES," that's a no, also.
I don't accept invites from anyone who has pressured me AT ALL on any topic.
I don't go out without backup-in the form of someone to fight by my side, if it comes to that.
I don't go on a date without a check-in time.
(Actually, a lot of these are suggestions can be found on any BDSM warning list too.)


Poly isn't why I don't do those things. Working in a strip bar for 4 years and watching other women get hurt is why I don't do those things.

Being married doesn't protect you from being hurt.

Just the beginning of this month a guy at a campground got a wild idea it was okay to try to grind on me. This trip I'm packing a .44, which I pointedly shot practice rounds with, for the benefit of those men knowing I am capable and will fire.

ANYWAY, it sounds like you need to take some serious time to sit down and consider what is SAFE for the two of you GENERALLY, before you even get down to how to manage poly.

THEN you need to discuss what each of you needs personally to make poly feasible.

SLOW DOWN, get sober and spend some time thinking about how you are going to alter your lifestyle SAFELY.

 

[Marcus]

Just the beginning of this month, a guy at a campground got a wild idea it was okay to try to grind on me. This trip I'm packing a .44, which I pointedly shot practice rounds with, for the benefit of those men knowing I am capable and will fire.

You know, LR, sometimes you sound like a crazy person. lol

 

[LovingRadiance]

Marcus, who said I wasn't?

I am (for reference) on Kodiak Island, Alaska, in a remote area. (You can look at a map.) Carrying a .44 is NORMAL here, because of Kodiak brown bears being EVERYWHERE. You just don't go fishing or camping here without a gun and ammo that will take out a bear. It's downright idiotic. But most of the women leave it to the guys to pack.

However, since one of those guys, whom I had never met, thought it was acceptable to force himself on me (I've no doubt it would have gone further if I hadn't been wearing 3 layers of clothes and been able to yell for help), I figured it will do them all good to be reminded that I CAN fire it my own self. Then Maca doesn't need to be at my side as protection. He can keep fishing away!

 

[Marcus]

(i've no doubt it would have gone further if I hadn't been wearing 3 layers of clothes and been able to yell for help)

So you are confident that this guy would have raped you right there? I'm not going to lie, the comfort and humor with which you report this scene is very disturbing to me.

I think I need to get out of this thread. It is really beginning to freak me out.

 

[Ambyer]

This trip-I'm packing a .44 which I pointedly shot practice rounds with-for the benefit of those men knowing, I am capable and will fire.

I think I'm in love!! LOL

But really, I like your style. Sounds like something I would pull. I own (and am a damn good shot with) more guns than most guys I know.

 

[Whisper]

I think I'm in love!! LOL

But really, I like your style. Sounds like something I would pull. I own (and am a damn good shot with) more guns than most guys I know.

A lady with guns ~~~ you sound like a hunter :3 Do you hunt red foxes by any chance? D:

I don't own any guns (I'm English after all!) but I can put up a fight. roar

 

[bookbug]

So you are confident that this guy would have raped you right there? I'm not going to lie, the comfort and humor with which you report this scene is very disturbing to me.

I think I need to get out of this thread. It is really beginning to freak me out.

The issue is that really good guys like yourself can't imagine behaving this way. I mean yes, you are aware it happens on a theoretical level, but it isn't a part of your existence. A jackass guy isn't going to pull that shit on you.

Unfortunately, because the jackasses can seem like okay guys and don't wear signs stating their assholery, women need to be vigilant when in the company of men she doesn't know well.

 

[MeeraReed]

Does anyone else think this sounds like a fake post? It reminds me of a fake letter to an advice columnist I saw once-- a husband was all upset because his multiple brothers fucked his wife, or something like that.

"The first blowjob she ever gave." Really?