I am going to respond to
this post.
You first posted 7/28. It is now 7/31. I said
you could give it time for the hormones of "fight or flight" to clear your systems. It seems to be starting to. You still seem in a muddle, but slightly less amped up.
I am not sure where you are with pressing charges. I will leave the legal side of things to you to discern with your wife.
Are you doing your basics? Getting sleep, eating, exercise, etc.?
Initiating sex with a person when their hormones and lowered inhibitions persuade them to continue, rather than their rational mind, and ignoring that they'd make a different decision, is exploitive and wrong,
You DO seem to see that is is wrong, so fine.
It is wrong. Don't do it. Don't participate in it. Worry about WHAT KIND of wrong it is later.
You don't seem to be willing to call it "rape" at this time. Many would disagree. To me, it IS rape.
But at this time, I wonder if you're doing this because you might have to process your conduct in HS and in college,
as well as this incident, and reconcile it. Perhaps you are not ready to go there because it is too much to process at once. Well, it is your process. Digest it at the speed you can.
You have a lot of layers, dude. Peace and healing are not going to come for you instantly. You go beyond the help of internet support boards with your situation.
This has been a crazy time for my wife and me, but I've come to the conclusion that we are really very culpable for what happened.
You seem more ready to own SOME portions of this like hopping into the sack, drunk, with near strangers
this fast was not a good way to go. This incident does not need to destroy your marriage. HOW you cope with it in the aftermath might, if you don't get it together. Yu could start pulling it together.
You can Google resources where you live locally.
Our communication is shit. So are counselors and psychiatrists.
Don't give up on finding the right counselor for YOU. Perhaps you'd be better off doing individual therapy and not couple's therapy at this time. You could change at a later time to couple's therapy. Maybe you'd prefer group therapy. It's mere days, dude. Pace yourself. I get that it feels uncomfortable right now. Given the circumstances, those are appropriate feelings.
What are you expectations of yourself at this time?
What are you expectations of your wife at this time?
How do you see yourself getting through this?
How do you see your wife getting through this?
How would you like it to be? Are you seeking attainable, realistic things, with your expectations and hopes?
My wife was as happy as a clam from then on. She tells me to man up when I weep, says that she can't carry all my burdens. She becomes irate whenever I want to talk about what happened.
Your wife's experience of this is her own. She's got to carry her own load. She cannot carry yours too. You could refrain from evaluations like "She is as happy as a clam." You cannot know what she is feeling. You are not her.
If she's evaluating you, you could tell her your experience is yours. She can't know how you feel. You are YOU.
I see your need to want to talk and process. So talk and process. She has a need to NOT talk. You could meet BOTH people's needs by YOU talking to others at this time, not right now with your wife.
Again, just because the first counselors were not "it" for you, don't write off pro care entirely just because the relief was not
instant. Maybe you'd rather have group therapy, or just another personality for a counselor.
You and your wife clinging to each other, ducking each other under in these first few days, doing push-you-pull-me stuff is just adding to the problems. It does not help to drown/suffocate each other at this time. You could agree to swim for shore separately, and then meet up there to talk and sort at a later time, when you feel more ready to deal with the couple things. Deal with the individual work first.
Your wife is in the
inner kvetch ring with you. Don't bitch at her. She was there. Bitch OUT, not IN.
Keep trying to find a better fit for a counselor that would serve your healing process better.
Stop counting all the places where things went
wrong or were done
wrong.
Start counting all the places that things could go RIGHT and be done BETTER.
Then, make the plan to go DO THEM one thing at a time. Man up. Choose to move it forward.
Galagirl