I am going to respond to
this post.
You first posted 7/28. It is now 7/31. I said
you could give it time for the hormones of "fight or flight" to clear your systems.
It seems to be starting to. You still seem in a muddle, but slightly less amped up.
I am not sure where you are with pressing charges. I will leave the legal side of things to you to discern with your wife.
Are you doing your basics? Getting sleep, eating, exercise etc?
Initiating sex with a person when their hormones and lowered inhibitions persuade them to continue, rather than their rational mind, and ignoring that they'd make a different decision, is exploitive and wrong,
You DO seem to see that is is wrong... so fine.
It is wrong. Don't do it. Don't participate in it.
Worry about WHAT KIND of wrong it is later then.
You don't seem to be willing to call it "rape" at this time. Many, including me will disagree. To me it IS rape.
But at this time? I wonder if you do this because then you might have to process your conduct in HS and in college
as well as this incident and reconcile. Perhaps you are not ready to go there because it is too much to process at once? Well, it is your process. Digest at the speed you can then.
You have a lot of layers, dude. Peace and healing are not going to come for you instantly. You go beyond the help of internet support boards with your situation.
This has been a crazy time for my wife and I but I've come to the conclusion that we are really very culpable for what happened.
You seem more ready to own SOME portions of this -- like hopping into the sack drunk with near strangers
this fast is not a good way to go. This incident does not need to destroy your marriage. HOW you cope with it in the aftermath might if you don't get it together. Could start pulling it together.
You can Google. Hit the resources where you live locally.
Our communication is shit. So are counselors and psychiatrists.
Don't give up on finding the right counselor for YOU. Perhaps you are better doing individual therapy and not couple therapy at this time. Could change at a later time to couple therapy. Maybe you prefer group therapy. It's is mere days, dude. Pace it out. I get that it feels uncomfortable and unfun and ugh right now. Given the circumstances? It's appropriate to feel ugh right now.
What are you expectations of yourself at this time?
What are you expectations of your wife at this time?
How do you see yourself getting through this?
How do you see your wife getting through this?
How would you like it to be? Are you seeking attainable, realistic things here with your expectations and hopes?
My wife was happy as a clam from then on. Tells me to man up when I weep, and that she can't carry all my burdens. She becomes irate whenever I want to talk anout what happened.
Your wife's experience of this is her own. She's got to carry her own load. She cannot carry yours too. You could refrain from evaluations like "she is happy as a clam" -- you cannot know what she is feeling. You are not her.
If she's evaluating you -- you could tell her your experience is yours. She can't know how you feel -- you are YOU.
I see your need to want to talk and process. So talk and process. She has a need to NOT talk. Could meet BOTH people's needs then by YOU talking to others at this time then. Not right now with the wife.
Again, just because the first counselors were not "it" for you -- you could not write off pro care entirely just because relief is not
instant. Maybe you rather have a group session. Or just another personality for a counselor.
Could pace yourself. You and wife clinging to each other and ducking each other under in these first few days or doing push-you-pull-me stuff just ADDS to the problems. It does not help to drown/suffocate the other one at this time. Could agree to swim for shore separately and then meet up there to talk and sort at a later time when ready to deal with couple things. Deal with individual things first.
Your wife is in the
inner kvetch ring with you. Don't bitch at her. She was THERE. Piss OUT, not IN.
Could keep trying to find a better fit for a counselor that would serve your healing process better.
Could stop counting all the places that went
wrong or things done
wrong.
Could start counting all the places that could go RIGHT and could be done BETTER.
Then could make the plan to go DO THEM one thing at a time. Could man up. Could choose to move it forward.
Namaste,
Galagirl