Redpepper's journey

[Ariakas]

They need a computer monitoring program or something like that Lilo Maybe Ari can whip us up something...not that kind of "whip"

I can probably help with either. I know a good whip maker. Umm...

Work on a word sensory system for polyamory emails. haha

 

[MonoVCPHG]

I can probably help with either ...I know a good whip maker ummmmm...

work on a word sensory system for polyamory emails. haha...

Thanks, man. I knew I could count on you to have my back. Err... you know what I mean.

Sagacity is coming up if anyone wants to see me get what I deserve for being such a crappy boyfriend

 

[MonoVCPHG]

Well as long as you don't argue with yourself...and lose!

No way Derby...I'm a real winner. Wait now, I don't think that is a compliment

 

[Fidelia]

Does that stop you talking to yourself?

Ummm...you're interrupting my conversation with myself

Well as long as you don't argue with yourself...and lose!

I'll tell you what my therapist told me years ago. She said, "Honey, it's okay to talk to yourself. It's even okay to answer back. The only time to worry is if you catch yourself saying "Hmm? Come again?"

 

[redpepper]

So there has been more drama come out of my night with Leo. His wife was jealous.

I didn't get a chance to find out why until today. I managed to meet him for a very quick coffee and catch up on how our respective partners are doing. It seems that there have been some struggles with our having alone time together in my room.

Mono and I have worked it out, to a large extent. It sounds like the issue was more about the energy that Leo and I created in his space than anything else. I can't help that, I can monitor what I do in actions, but not in energy. It is just not possible.

We give so much to our relationship, Mono and I. He pushes himself, and so do I. This poly/mono thing is very hard for both of us, yet we do it. We love each other so much, it's worth the effort and sacrifice. It is going to be compromises from here on in, rather than boundaries. That is just how it is.

Leo's wife is struggling because he is so happy when he has been out with me. I make his depression lift and he comes home beaming. She is unable to do that in his life and so she is jealous and angry that she gets to deal with the depressed Leo while I get the not depressed one.

I pointed out that that isn't true. I get to see him once a month for a few hours and we enjoy our time. I don't want more, but he goes home with that energy and uses it to benefit his home life. It turns out he has been suppressing it, though. I asked him not to do that, but he thinks that she will be more angry. I suggested that he tell her that his happiness through my involvement in his life would benefit her if she were willing to allow it in her life as a positive. But she isn't there yet. She is jealous of me on many levels and this is just icing on the cake. There is nothing I can do, but let them sort it out.

I have not been in a situation like this before. I have never had a female metamour in terms of a wife before either. A whole other ball of wax, it seems.

I let him know that I would like if we could be trusted friends and that she'd come to me with some stuff that goes on for her. But I realize I am not going to be that in her life. I am here for her. She knows that. I advocate for her every time I see him. I remind him to leave his store early sometimes and go home to be with her. I give him ideas about what she might be going through, what might be nice for her. The first thing we talk about is her. Her happiness effects mine and everyone else's. It's important to me that my metamours are happy with me and with their relationships.

So, we left each other with thoughts of next month. No bedroom visits for awhile. He needs to give his wife some attention and Mono is in charge of when I can have a visitor again, for now. I want to be able to give him some of his energy back. I want him to know that I respect his space and that he has a say in what I do in there, as people I invite need to travel through his space to get to mine.

 

[redpepper]

I just wrote a long email to Leo telling him that how I feel and requesting that we go back to being friends that meet for a drink every now and then (not even once a month). I am not in this game to hurt and harm people. I want to be free to love by helping all rather than harming and I don't see that happening as a result of our relationship being closer than it has been in the past.

I looked at our pictures of camping and skiing together as two families that enjoy each other's time together and I don't want to be the cause of that to change. I asked him if he did and wait now for a reply. Perhaps it is worth striving for more closeness for him. I don't know yet.

I'm confused about how to have integrity in this situation and remain true to myself and my values. I have been asked to have a DADT of sorts with Mono and I feel it brushes up against the value I have of being honest. I figure if I can't talk about what I do, then I should bloody well not do it. But then that brushes up against Mono's need for me to have as much freedom as possible, with some limits. What do I go with here? My need for honesty and openness or his need for me to have as much freedom as he can bear, and therefore not tell him stuff.

I'm stumped and confused and tired and just plain sad. I want to disappear from it all and hide in my room alone, pretending I don't exist for awhile.

.................

I went to see Derby today, who has struggles of her own going on. We were a support to one another, I think. I was grateful that she and I think alike on so many things. It makes it hard to empathize with others sometimes, but we strategise around how to accomplish that. We muse about how others might feel quite often in order to move forward somehow. I appreciate and am grateful for her support and that she allows me to support her too.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

I'm stumped and confused and tired and just plain sad. I want to disappear from it all and hide in my room alone, pretending I don't exist for awhile.

.................

I went to see Derby today who has struggles of her own going on... we were a support to one another I think and I was grateful that her and I think a like on so many things... it makes it hard to empathize with others sometimes, but we strategies around how to accomplish that and we muse about how others might feel quite often in order to move forward some how. I appreciate and am grateful for her support and that she allows me to support her too.

Sorry things are difficult right now, Lilo. We've taken a step back, it seems, but I am sure we will end up where we are meant to be, regardless of what that looks like. We just can't be afraid of where that is. I am who I am and you are who you are. Regardless, I will always be here for support. I am glad you have Derby to talk to.

I love you, Bbay.

 

[Derbylicious]

I'm confused about how to have integrity in this situation and remain true to myself and my values. I have been asked to have a DADT of sorts with Mono and I feel it brushes up against the value I have of being honest. I figure if I can't talk about what I do, then I should bloody well not do it. But then that brushes up against Mono's need for me to have as much freedom as possible, with some limits. What do I go with here? My need for honesty and openness or his need for me to have as much freedom as he can bare and therefore not tell him stuff.

From my perspective, Mono's DADT is more so that he can maintain the tricks he uses to get himself through things. He's perceptive enough to already know what's going on and how you're feeling. He just doesn't want it affirmed verbally from you. (Or I could be talking out of my butt. If I am, can you set me straight, Mono?)

I don't think it's an either/or thing. This seems more like a place to test where the boundary is, where you can both be comfortable. Maybe there could be a code word that you can come up with when it seems that you're getting close to talking about things that Mono's not able to handle in a healthy fashion.

 

[Ariakas]

I'm confused about how to have integrity in this situation and remain true to myself and my values. I have been asked to have a DADT of sorts with Mono and I feel it brushes up against the value I have of being honest. I figure if I can't talk about what I do, then I should bloody well not do it. But then that brushes up against Mono's need for me to have as much freedom as possible, with some limits. What do I go with here? My need for honesty and openness or his need for me to have as much freedom as he can bare and therefore not tell him stuff.

I'm stumped and confused and tired and just plain sad. I want to disappear from it all and hide in my room alone, pretending I don't exist for awhile.

There is a distinct difference between dishonesty, being discreet and a DADT policy. You, I think, are being asked to be discreet. He isn't asking to know nothing, he is asking for you to be discreet about details that he finds painful. That's my take on it. I look differently at discretion than you do. However, I find it is something I can build a relationship on. I am an open book, but there are some things I like to have between us. It creates a nice private bond, which I enjoy with my partners.

I am actually putting a blog post together about this because it is related to my relationships right now.

Instead of having the extremes: his need for you to absolute freedom vs your need for absolute freedom to communicate, why not try and find something in the middle to work with?

 

[MonoVCPHG]

I think I am figuring out more and more about this. The relationship RP has with Leo has come close to levels of intimacy that cross boundaries for me. I'm not sure where their level of closeness is heading or what they do in the grey area between friendship and two people who love each other and want each other sexually. We've known that for a long time, but the room visit confirmed that I am worried things are going too far down the physical path.

A good way to gauge if something is going to far is if you wouldn't do it with me sitting in the room. If you think it would disturb me, then that is too much. I don't know how to put it any simpler. The tricks I play in my head are simply trying to deny that that level of intimacy and contact occurs. The other trick is I secretly limit our relationship in my mind. That seems to create balance for me. It is totally unfair but it seems to help.

I'm not open to other men in Redpepper's life in intimate ways. I am open to her having all the male friends in the world. I was happy with her relationship with Leo and still am. It's not an all or nothing. If that movie had of been anywhere else it might have been different. I wouldn't have been so aware of them being so close and if I didn't hear about the energy they created I wouldn't have reacted as such, I think. I tested something, pushed something and it didn't work.

Yes, my acceptance of their relationship is based "partly" on skimming over how connected they are, but it works. I need to give a little, and I need to do whatever it takes to do that, but the room visit was too much, ultimately. I felt like I facilitated her pushing our boundaries, as well as her own boundaries with Leo.

Maybe one day I will change. I'm late for work. Take care everyone. We'll get through this.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

hi
and i also have a question. Mono, you state "A good way to gauge if something is going too far is if you wouldn't do it with me sitting in the room. If you think it would disturb me, then that is too much."

?

You should read more of our story and you won't be so confused. I have total compersion with what RP and PN have. We've had threesomes together. I also embrace the relationship she has with Derby, but don't want to watch them making out LOL! What RP and PN do with Redpepper alone is completely fine with me.

Read more, my friend, please, before asking for more clarification. We've all poured our hearts on here before.

Welcome to the forum

 

[MonoVCPHG]

thanks for the clarification, mono.

it's true i haven't yet read everything and i really hope my question didn't come off in the wrong way.

like i said, i guess i was more reacting to this statement based on my own current struggles and learning process (and again it seems i could learn a lot from how you guys have handled these things).

but thanks for responding so quickly and again, if my question came off badly, please accept my apology.

hope you have a great day

No apologies needed, my friend. I'm a little raw today. My students are driving me crazy! And I keep feeling that no matter what I do I end up limiting or hurting RP. Take care.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

If that movie had been anywhere else, it might have been different.

Maybe movies upstairs could work? I'm trying to come up with something here, folks. I want Redpepper to be happy and fulfilled. I'm just not sure she can truly be that anymore with someone like me in her life this way. I'm not going anywhere. Just trying to make things better, but feeling as though I am making things worse. Sorry, RP. There is something to be said for just swallowing my feelings, but that is not healthy and not how we made it this far. I love you.

 

[redpepper]

There is a distinct difference between dishonesty, being discreet and a DADT policy. You, I think, are being asked to be discreet. He isn't asking to know nothing, he is asking for you to be discreet about details that he finds painful. At least thats my take on it. I look differently at discretion than you do however, I find it is something I can build a relationship on. I am an open book, but there are some things I like to have between us. It creates a nice private bond, which I enjoy with my partners.

I am actually putting a blog post together about this because it is related to my relationships right now.

Instead of having the extremes, hist need for you to absolute freedom vs you need for absolute freedom to communicate, why not try and find something in the middle to work with.

Couple of things. You and I are not that different, Ari. I don't tell PN intimate details about my sex life and some of the emotional stuff Mono and I go through. I don't tell Mono about some of the the same the other way around. It's just respectful that way. You have given me cause to think how this is different ,however, and I appreciate that. The line must be found and I am working on that.

welcome entredeux, thanks for writing on my blog. I have to get to work, but I am reading and will respond when I can.

Derby, I like your code word idea. will think on that more.

Mono, I'm just sad that you are not in this with your all because of who I am and my actions within that. I don't want half ass. I hurt because of that. Sigh...

 

[MonoVCPHG]

Mono, I'm just sad that you are not in this with your all because of who I am and my actions within that... I don't want half ass. I hurt because of that.... sigh....

You've got more of me than anyone else ever has. A more complete picture of who I am, more trust, more depth and more understanding of how I have become the person I am. What you are getting is yours as long as you want, it in the package it comes. You're hardly getting half-assed, my love. But sorry in any case.

 

[LovingRadiance]

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO to you both.

It's hard to find that thin line that makes it work. I understand completely. We're in the midst of a similar struggle. Where is the line between open and honest, and respectfully not rubbing something in the face of someone who doesn't wish to be a part of that something?

(I wrote it that vaguely on purpose, NOT pointedly.)

I just wanted to say I'm so proud of you both for working through the emotions and circumstances together and continuing to battle together to find the workable solution.

 

[Magdlyn]

So the non-sexual bf is named Leo? It gave me a start to see him called by name instead of NSBF. Is that because you can see it's not really non-sexual, even though you don't actually have sex?

I can see why Mono felt jealous-- a bit too close for comfort, just on the other side of the wall like that.

 

[redpepper]

Well its about to become non-sexual by your definition again, Magdlyn, as I have been told today that she is the primary and calls the shots for their relationship. He is going with her boundaries and I am now waiting to hear what those are.

They have a hierarchical arrangement and I must adjust. Apparently its okay for her to have other men in her life, but it's not okay that he be close to another woman. She has really low self esteem and self worth and has been jealous for some time of m'e being in his life. Maybe more than that is going on, but that is what I have been told. She has been unable to find someone who will love and appreciate her as he does. Its too bad, and I feel for her, but I need to live with that as a result. I don't mind boundaries, so much as the hypocrisy.


I am going at her pace, as she is the one struggling. What else can I do? Nothing but wait. I told him today that I will go back to monthly meets at coffee shops etc. With their boundaries and Mono's in place, it could very well be not worth it. I admit that. We shall see.

Right now, I am feeling completely defeated and hurt. I don't take kindly to my freedom being squelched by those I don't chose to, so there is some anger there also. I'm being patient though, and empathetic, for the most part, in terms of communication. I think she deserves that respect.

I really don't know much, other than the little bits I get from him and piece together, so I could be way off. He's not the best at being forthcoming with concrete information that I can work with. So I have asked him pointblank what boundaries I have to work with in order to not mess around with their stuff, as it's not my business. What my business is, is what happens next. As we didn't discuss any boundaries on his side before, now we damned well better. I need some very firm ones to work with before we go any further.

I know where I stand with Mono now. We worked that out, I think. I can move forward on that end. I need this worked out, then a date can be set to meet again. I'm all business tonight. Fuck it, when it comes down to it, emotions aside, it's all business, complete with protocol and procedure. I'm on it. Must be a full moon coming up.

I have heard through the grapevine that some people expect that we have all our shit together, because we come across that way on here. To a larger extent we do, but we are also in perpetual motion and change and no one ever knows what will come up. We have worked out many things and do have a great deal of knowledge about how poly has worked for us. But, as far as I am concerned, poly/mono relationships are never going to be "worked out." it is not possible, I don't think. There will always be problems and compromises and sacrifice.

If you have been reading here you know that I believe a compromise means that boundaries are not settled yet. Mono and I will always be in a perpetual struggle with compromises. I hate it. I find it completely exhausting and frustrating. But we must stay in a state of compromise, as we will never find a boundary agreement that suits both of us, I don't think. It's just not possible.

So, hang on to your seats and enjoy the ride, because I am not giving up and neither is he. We will continue to battle it out because we love each other.

Funnily enough, that love is intensified for me because of our struggle. The passion has increased tenfold and my pussy hurts.

 

[eklctc]

Thank you for sharing so openly. I think, if we are all realistic people, we know that everything isn't always flowing smoothly in your world and, in order for the relationship to grow and continue to work, you must be pushed, challenged, tried. That is how we gain, in these instances. That is part of the joys of truly experiencing life. It presents you with the opportunity to build yourself and world through trial and error.

I completely understand the current issues with the metamour. You can only be you and genuinely express your intent. As we know, many people (men & women) are just not ready for the self-reflection required to do this. They haven't learned how to identify and break down their emotions and how to conquer the reactions they have been taught are the correct ones, in this society, when approaching these alternatives. It could be a beautiful thing if only they would open up to learning and embracing.

Though neither my metamour nor my male partner (P) have voiced it to me, I believe some issues that have arisen over the last few weeks in their relationship have been related to me, in some sense. I know he reached out to me when I was out of town after they had a disagreement. He did not share details, just sought my presence. Then she mentioned via text that she had been feeling emotional and insecure about some things this past weekend. Since we transitioned from a triad to a vee, she and I don't communicate much. I believe, as time goes on, the relationship I have with P is going to suffer because of that, but I am willing to continue to give my all to him until that time comes.

I'm glad you guys are working through your emotions and thoughts. I will keep you in my meditations.

 

[redpepper]

Thanks, Eklctc.

Mono thought of my position tonight as one where I am in a beautiful pasture and love where I am. Feel right here, there is space beyond that worth discovering, but not an option.

I see it like the movie "It's a Wonderful Life." I watched it for the first time the night after I saw Leo. I feel like the man in the movie. I have everything, but I was meant to be a great explorer. The world is out there and although I have something wonderful, every now and then I push to break out of it, just for a bit, to explore.

I am back to my pasture and feeling safe in it and content tonight.

Mono and I had another good talk. Leo emailed to tell me that I mean more to him than sex, and now we know where the boundary is, we can go back to not pushing it.

I'm good, he's good, Mono is good. It sounds like Leo's wife is okay with whatever we decide, and that is all I need to top off my week, until next time.