Redpepper's journey

[wildflowers]

RP, I'm not clear about whether you're just leaving your blog or stopping writing altogether. Either way, I will miss your presence. I understand that putting your feelings in public now feels dangerous and unappealing, but thank you for all that you have shared. Your openness with your feelings and your process has been illuminating and inspiring.

I wish you well in sorting out your feelings and resolving confusion, and in building connections that satisfy you and make you happy. And good luck to you too!

 

[Nox]

We'll miss you RP. Best wishes and safe journey. We'll keep the lights on for your return.

 

[redpepper]

I'm not sure if it's good bye forever or not but it's good bye for now. Thanks for keeping a light on. *hugs*

 

[InfinitePossibility]

Wishing you luck and for some clarity soon.

IP

 

[BrigidsDaughter]

I'll miss hearing from you as well. Enjoy your bike rides.

 

[redpepper]

Hello. Just thought I would say hi.

As you can see I am no longer a mod any more after about five years of daily attention to this forum. Strangely enough no one seemed to notice I was gone about a month ago. Or at least didn't make mention of it to me anyway. What a weird feeling to suddenly not do something every day and no one say a word... bizarre.

So here I am. Very happy and very content to be living each day flying by the seat of my pants more in love with Mono than ever and most importantly more in love with ME than ever. I could go on for ever just me, myself and I and be quite content these days. The interesting thing about that is that I hear very little from others if I don't reach out myself and am not bothered by that. I figure if people want to know me they will put that effort in.

In the mean time things come up and I am free to do them or not as I see fit. No more excessive google calender. It feel awesome to look at it sometimes and see that every night is free and know that exciting things come up in the moment.

We, our house, are settled nicely and are content to make plans and enjoy each other as we are. We have a bizarre family to those in the outside world but it doesn't rock our boat too much. We carry on and live honestly and with pride. We all benefit.

In the mean time I fantasize about having my own place one day. Even my own dishes and furniture. I actually look at house items in terms of what I like rather than what I think others would like. I have never done that before.

It remains that until Mono and I aren't done with each other until we are all done living the way we do, until there is no reason to all stay together, until there is some evidence that one or all of us doesn't benefit from our arrangement, until some unforeseeable future issue comes up or situation. We remain where we are and are content to be each others one and only. That change is making us blossom I think. We look different, feel different and have a trust that is building around monogamy for the first time. It feels right and therefore is right, for now. If that should change in the future I am pretty certain we will move on to others and never try poly again with each other. I can't say for sure, but then who can.

I have some major hesitations about poly now and some big arguments against it for many reasons. I can see the benefit in some situations and can see how others are on a path that is theirs and theirs alone and that I can only, and should only, observe. I observe and support where I can but remain an advocate for forethought, making hard choices and for seeing things to full circle.

Sometimes people's paths include poly but I in no way believe that poly has to be and is something to strive for as a forever alternative to honest monogamy (http://rhetcomppolydiss.wordpress.com/2013/09/04/honest-monogamy/). Relationships are as fluid as everything in life to me. There is no need to continue trying poly if it isn't going to work as much as there is no reason to keep trying to be monogamous if it isn't going to work for the relationship one is in. There is also no need to think that there is one solution for every relationship. Some just don't work with a poly model and that is okay and should be respected. I am glad I figured this out and am now learning monogamy for the first time in most of my adult life.

I have a lot of rules to catch up on and fight against in my life now as I don't tell anyone new I meet that we ever were anything but RP and Mono. I feel like a fish out of water and believe that the only way to survive is to continue working on me. After all, I am all I really have.

Interesting times continue.

 

[Confused]

It's really nice to read your update. I spent some time on this forum a couple of years ago then stopped reading when my life took a turn.
I only came back a month or so ago really because I remembered your story and wanted to see how things were turning out for you. I at least was disappointed you weren't posting much. You stuck in one strangers head anyway. Wishing you happiness.

 

[NutBusterX]

You are stuck in more than one stranger's head, Redpepper. I am happy to read this update and happy that you have found some peace.

 

[BrigidsDaughter]

RP - I may not have commented on here when you stepped back, but I've followed your journey both here and Facebook. I am glad to see that you and Mono have found peace.

I think for many of us, it is difficult to know what to say when a person who was an inspiration to us on our own poly journey suddenly decides that they want to live monogamously. I actually stumbled onto this forum in 2007 or 2008 when doing research into different types of relationship models and families. It wasn't until 2009 when my relationship with Wendigo formed, that I realized that I'd already found the term for what I was, what I have always been, even when I was living "monogamously" (by which I mean, the other relationships I was in were FWBs, and so I didn't see them as real relationships until much later). Your story and LR's story helped me more than I've ever really expressed in those early days when I was trying to navigate having more than one LTR and a family.

I hope that you do stop in from time to time because there is still much we can learn from you about truly being our own primaries. Good luck and enjoy seeing the world from your motorcycle.

 

[wildflowers]

RP, you told us you were leaving, so we were not surprised at your absence. I'm sure people did not want to get in the way of your decision to leave; you had enough to deal with already. But I, like the others, have missed your presence here, and am glad to hear that you are happy and content. It's kind of hard for me to fathom how your worldview shifted so radically, but I recognize that you're doing what feels right for you now, and there's no reason you should do anything else. I wish you the best wherever your path takes you (but hope you will at least wander through here at times.)

 

[FullofLove1052]

RP -

I am happy for you, and I hope this new journey brings you much peace and happiness.

The following resonates with me:

Sometimes people's paths include poly but I in no way believe that poly has to be and is something to strive for as a forever alternative to honest monogamy (http://rhetcomppolydiss.wordpress.co...nest-monogamy/). Relationships are as fluid as everything in life to me. There is no need to continue trying poly if it isn't going to work as much as there is no reason to keep trying to be monogamous if it isn't going to work for the relationship one is in. There is also no need to think that there is one solution for every relationship. Some just don't work with a poly model and that is okay and should be respected. I am glad I figured this out and am now learning monogamy for the first time in most of my adult life.

THIS. All of this. I struggled with bowing out gracefully from something I have known all of the years I have been dating. I felt like poly just had to be the be all and end all, but I was no longer sure what I was fighting for. Once I did introspection and figured out what I needed, the path illuminated like the stars in the sky. I knew that continuing to be poly or ever wanting to try it again were not feasible options. What I have done may not work for everyone, but it is working for me. So far people have respected it.

We are learning about how to maintain a mono marriage, and this is the most daunting prospect I have ever faced in my life. I have never been in a mono relationship at any point in my life. I was a polyamorist and anything outside of that is unknown. Like you and Mono, people just think it has always been the two of us. I do not feel compelled to correct them or bring up the past.

I do hope you will post updates every so often just to let us know how you are doing. There are plenty of people near and far who care about you and your well-being. Live it up, enjoy, and continue loving yourself.

Ry

 

[opalescent]

I wish you all the best RP! You show your usual courage in going your own way.

 

[redpepper]

Confused and NutBusterX thanks for your messages. It means a lot to me to know that I have been interesting to someone.

RP - I may not have commented on here when you stepped back, but I've followed your journey both here and Facebook. I am glad to see that you and Mono have found peace.

I think for many of us, it is difficult to know what to say when a person who was an inspiration to us on our own poly journey suddenly decides that they want to live monogamously. I actually stumbled onto this forum in 2007 or 2008 when doing research into different types of relationship models and families. It wasn't until 2009 when my relationship with Wendigo formed, that I realized that I'd already found the term for what I was, what I have always been, even when I was living "monogamously" (by which I mean, the other relationships I was in were FWBs, and so I didn't see them as real relationships until much later). Your story and LR's story helped me more than I've ever really expressed in those early days when I was trying to navigate having more than one LTR and a family.

I hope that you do stop in from time to time because there is still much we can learn from you about truly being our own primaries. Good luck and enjoy seeing the world from your motorcycle.

Yes, I am definitely not quiet on the secret fb groups I host. lol. I can't shut up ever really. Talking and relaying my inner experience has always been the best way for me to work stuff out.

Living monogamously. Bah! Doesn't sit right, but I guess that is what is going on. Its hard to grasp for me as the term as a definition just doesn't fit somehow. I guess my heart doesn't stop loving others and that is why. I still love fiercely, I just chose to direct the romantic aspect of that towards Mono and act lovingly where I can towards others in my life. Nothing has changed inside as far as love goes. I just have a better grasp on what I can handle at this time and what is worth investing in for me personally. The love is still there.

RP, you told us you were leaving, so we were not surprised at your absence. I'm sure people did not want to get in the way of your decision to leave; you had enough to deal with already. But I, like the others, have missed your presence here, and am glad to hear that you are happy and content. It's kind of hard for me to fathom how your worldview shifted so radically, but I recognize that you're doing what feels right for you now, and there's no reason you should do anything else. I wish you the best wherever your path takes you (but hope you will at least wander through here at times.)

I did say I was leaving my blog for now and people said good-bye. Then I left as a mod and I heard nothing from anyone. I just found that odd. Then again I find the weirdest things odd.

My world view hasn't shifted for anyone else. Just me. Poly rocks under certain circumstances. Just not mine.

RP -

I am happy for you, and I hope this new journey brings you much peace and happiness.

.....I struggled with bowing out gracefully from something I have known all of the years I have been dating. I felt like poly just had to be the be all and end all, but I was no longer sure what I was fighting for. Once I did introspection and figured out what I needed, the path illuminated like the stars in the sky. I knew that continuing to be poly or ever wanting to try it again were not feasible options. What I have done may not work for everyone, but it is working for me. So far people have respected it.

We are learning about how to maintain a mono marriage, and this is the most daunting prospect I have ever faced in my life. I have never been in a mono relationship at any point in my life. I was a polyamorist and anything outside of that is unknown. Like you and Mono, people just think it has always been the two of us. I do not feel compelled to correct them or bring up the past.

I do hope you will post updates every so often just to let us know how you are doing. There are plenty of people near and far who care about you and your well-being. Live it up, enjoy, and continue loving yourself.

Ry

Yes! Someone who might get what I am going through. Chat?

I wish you all the best RP! You show your usual courage in going your own way.

courage. Interesting choice of this word. I have been investigating the cowardly lion from The Wizard of Oz as part of a group halloween costume. My co-workers decided I should be the lion. Lions and their association with courage. It's been an intersting study.

 

[InfinitePossibility]

Good to hear from you again, RP. So glad that life is more peaceful for you once again.

Thanks for that blog. Excellent writing. I have a few people that I will share it with.

I started reading this forum a bit over 3 years ago because I started seeing my SO who told me that he was poly, had been for years and even though he had been single for a while, he hadn't considered that he would ever again be in a mono relationship. I started reading then to try and help myself understand what he was talking about and to see what my levels of comfort were. Your blog was one of the first I read and I found it incredibly helpful.

I found help in being able to explain to my SO why I wasn't comfortable being poly and help in explaining to him that I have no interest in controlling him and that he is free at any time to explore multiple relationships again. I have no desire to be part of that just now but would have every desire to remain his friend.

More help in understanding that my feelings and desires may change. In time it may be me suggesting we open our relationship more or change it in other ways. Your blog helped with understanding the possibilities in doing so.

Thanks for writing it and good to hear from you again.

IP

 

[HisPet]

Hello!

RP it is so nice to hear from you, thanks for updating. I too have read for your blog for a long while now. While I have never commented, you have been an important part of my morning coffee routine as I check the forum almost every day for a long time. Thank your for sharing your life with us and especially your journey to self care.

What that blog calls honest monogamy resonates for me. As an old punk rocker with that anti authoritarian starting point, I assumed that I could date someone else if wanted to, but I just never wanted to. I also am an ex junkie and I crave intensity, and for me that comes from the crucible of monogamy, that fierce focus. For me, the longer it goes on, the more intense it gets from a relational standpoint. The get to know you stuff of the first year is fun but the fifth year -- holy fuck how do we work this out -- is when new growth is required and the real challenge begins.

It was very reassuring to read that your relationship with Mono has been repaired, that gives me so much hope. I think I understand how devastating it was, what a betrayal to feel, that loss of his one-and-only love. That kind of love is powerful and forms a bedrock for life and when that shifts all reality moves with it.

I too hope that you at least drop in occasionally, it would be wonderful to hear more about your journey!

As far as no comments when you left as moderator: I personally would never notice when a mod leaves, I can never tell who is doing that super important but unknown to me duty. Maybe others are like me, who only a couple of days ago even knew who the current mods are - and I have no idea why I even know that. Sometimes it's a challenge to know what to take personally eh?

 

[Magdlyn]

RP, I didnt know you quit as a mod. I knew you said you were leaving here, or taking a long break, so assumed you wouldn't be modding. I happened to notice NYCindie became a spam sweeper and Ariakis became mod, but I never saw an announcement about the change in the guard.

So, you're monogamous with Mono... he's no longer seeing any other women, and you are in a platonic place with your husband, while sharing co-parenting duties?

I think this is healthy for you for now... as you grow in loving yourself and feeling confidence that you are a worthy person. Some people with low self esteem seem to get into polyamory for the wrong reasons, because they get the hectic attention and NRE and sex that shields them from looking inside and loving themselves. Seeing how you got so upset when Mono got another female lover is proof enough you aren't in the compersion camp fully enough yet.

Enjoy the calm and peace and stability.

 

[nycindie]

Hi RP,
Glad to hear from you and to learn that you are much happier now. You didn't mention PN. Are you strictly platonic with him now? How is he doing? And LB? Are you all still living together? And Mono is in his apartment downstairs in your house? Or have you moved in with him in his room? Just curious about how you're making it all work for everyone, and if PN is still... there and supportive of you and Mono. Does he have any other relationships?

Also, I actually didn't know you weren't modding anymore until fairly recently. There was no announcement. You had said you weren't going to post much anymore so you could focus on your life. That sounded like you didn't want to be in contact with members of this board too much. I happened to come across a post of yours and noticed that it said Senior Member under your name. I figured you were sort of on a leave of absence from here and doing your thing, didn't think to reach out - sorry about that. And sometimes I've been so busy that all I can do here is login and zap some spam, post here and there, and go.

Wishing you well!

 

[ImaginaryIllusion]

The announcement was late...as in just put up a few minutes ago.

My bad.

Wasn't really something I wanted to announce...since that'd make it real.



Glad you're doing well RP...we'll talk soon.

 

[redpepper]

Yes I live with PN still, Mono and LB. We all raise LB, support one another, make plans together and are family. Not much has changed for me and PN other than neither of us prioritise each other in social plans or for dates. For Mono the change has been bigger. In his head that is. He feels responsible for me now. There is no need but he seems to think I expect it. I keep reminding him that my priority is me first and that the whole reason I made the changes I did was to be able to do that.

Mono agreed to exclusivity when I asked for it. He hadn't ventured far from that anyway. It was more about what could be in the relationships he had. We are both fine with that for now. It's increased our closeness and desire for one another I think but also made us both relax and indulge in the safety we feel to ask and fulfill for each other and ourselves whatever we want. Talk about hot! Whew. I see little reason at this time in adding to my sex and romantic life when we seem to be on a second honey moon in many ways.

Mono seems hell bent on doing what he believes is right in order to prove his trustworthiness and integrity is again intact. I am doing my best to give him the space he requires and trust him. I doubt I ever fully will again but the more I work on loving myself and putting myself back together, the less it matters and the less I care. If he fucks up and goes behind my back again then I will leave and I will be fine. I have a plan and I will love again. For now I am free having given him my forgiveness and trust. It was a huge moment to be able to say that and feel it. In return I am not cluttering my life up with lovely people who deserve much more than I could ever give. I give mostly to him and love that I have been given the chance to have what we have just us two. It might end one day but I wanted my time with him alone and I am getting it.

No PN isn't seeing anyone. I hope he finds someone but he he will in his own time and when he finds the right person. For now we are all settling.

I have been poly now since I was 25. I'm 43 now. Or at least identified as non-monogamous. I don't think I entered into poly due to low self esteem. I had and have plenty of self esteem. People don't always practice poly due to low self esteem. There are many reasons to practice poly. People do it because it fits their lives in the moment.

I fragmented over years and became un-whole due to my poly practice, among other reasons. It grew inside me, due to years of "taking care" of partners, becoming too busy, my work as a care giver, having a child etc. I lost touch with the basics of who I am and where I am going personally. In the end I was unable to cope. A huge change was needed in order to bring the fragments together so I can fully love myself again.

Mono was unable, I believe, to ask for me to be monogamous ever. I don't think he ever felt he could ask or insist on monogamy as I don't think he felt worthy or justified in having my full attention. After years of being around poly people he decided to try it out as an alternative to believing he could be monogamous with me or anyone. He has a load of work on himself to do also and now we have the space and safety to do it because of our arrangement. He has said he is happy with our lives now and if you look at his pictures he looks content and relaxed...happy.

The muddle of sorting out the details of poly never worked for him. He doesn't like to rock the boat and was very concern about how his actions effected me. His idea of having a don't ask don't tell open relationship was a way for us to pull away from each other and date without being too involved with others or our relationship. Our love was too big for that. If he dated again we would have a don't ask don't tell open relationship. To me there would be little point in continuing together if that happened as I might as well be on my own as a single poly person and be his friend. Neither of us are interested in squelching our love to accommodate a dating lifestyle such as what I describe. It just isn't the time right now.

 

[redpepper]

Part of my break down this spring was due to the amount of activities and relationships I took on. I had four partners that all had lives, challenges, issues, changes and plans that involved me on many levels. I am not the sort of person to sit on the side line of people's lives. I am either in it or not. There doesn't seem to be a middle ground that keeps me present and connected with those I love. To me the line of how much I could handle was pushed right to the limit as a result. I had just enough room to maintain what was going on with everyone as is and nothing more. Even that was becoming too much.

I understand now that I created a situation for myself and therefore my partners that meant if they made any move toward change or difference in my day to day understanding of where we were at then I would bust. And bust I did. It was completely unfair to them and unreasonable to expect them to remain as is for my benefit and yet I needed them to in order to not lose my balance and explode apart. I knew this for years. I even talked about balancing my plates here knowing that the topple would be great if anything unforeseen ever occurred. Well many unforeseen situations occurred and my life balance completely toppled as a result. I dropped the plates, I dropped my ability to cope. I felt foolish and unfit to be poly. I was shocked at how desperately I needed to gain control even though I knew that other people's lives are not mine to control. I knew that in my heart and yet felt I needed to plead for some semblence of control. I am building again with some new protocols and procedures for myself.

People come with all sorts of the same things I come with. We are all complicated. I knew this going into many relationships at once. I loved that about my partners and everyone I meet. I loved it so much I believed I could surround myself with it and make it my life. I did for a long time. I'm proud of that. Now I understand that my complications and a few others are enough because huge situations and issues come up that are bigger than anyone could imagine. I have to be able to handle anything life hands me and I have to pull myself together in order to do that. Being fragmented and barely coping is not good enough for my liking.

My dad had another stroke this summer. He's fine. I was able to be there and be together when he and my mum and brother needed me to be. I was glad and proud to be there as a full whole RP. Not the barely together version they would of had if I hadn't of made the choices I have. Simplicity is my friend these days.