I have spent a good deal of time getting together a way that PN can move out without us being destitute. He has again said he has to leave and has not made plans other than to tell our son and keep telling me that. I was beginning to find it manipulative so I decided to be proactive. I told our son that he has been talking of moving out. It is from LB's response to me telling him that I geared my energy to find ways PN can stay and eventually giving him a proposal that keeps us in the house if he leaves.
LB wants us to all stay here together and continue to be one big happy family. I am all for that but as PN is not. I figured it was time to do what I needed to do to make a suggestion that fits so we can all move on. I am really hoping that he can still turn around his thoughts and see that everything that he has gone through is a perspective and an attitude. He can still change his attitude and perspective and chose to not be a victim of the circumstance he finds himself in.
Until now, I have offered that we raise our son together in this house and each have our own lives... I know several men that wish their ex wives would be so generous as to continue together what they have with their child at home and also move on in life. PN only sees that he should leave.
PN has a gf that he wants to be with. The gf lives in a home with her husband and two kids. There is room for PN here to have his gf over whenever she wants to come over and I can be out of the way. I have been doing that for a year and I generally go downstairs and spend my evening with Mono or go out. LB comes with me or stays up stairs, depending on what he wants to do. I have it in my head, because I remember how fantastic it was to have somewhere to go away from kids when I visited Mono at his homre, that the gf might enjoy being at our house for a break. They sit and read, drink tea, talk and go into PN's room at the end of the night. They seem to have a good thing going there... PN can come and go as he pleases because there are two other adults in the house and I can do the same. It has not been at all difficult to do what we want to do with our lives and has been a blessing.
PN's medical issues seem to be under control now so I have not had to do as much around the house and have less burden of full time child care. I did a lot for him in the last year and was feeling I could relax a little and do my own things. Unfortunately, I didn't get a chance to get to know his gf during the time I was busy looking after my own drama filled life and looking after everything at home. I think this might of contributed to where we are at now. I should know that it is always important to get to know your metamours (if I can call her that) but I was not in a position mentally to trust anyone in my life at the time.
I sent my "whatever I should call her" metamour a message a week back asking that she understand my side of our story and to apologize that I was so unavailable to get to know her over the year. I asked that she be open to getting to know me now as a way to help her understand, through empathy, when she supports him. She saw this as me asking her to help convince PN to stay. She thinks he should leave and that LB will be just fine. People break up and move on, it's only natural. I didn't find this approach to be a poly one. I found it to be a very mono mindset and I was surprised coming from and albeit, new, poly person. I understood her to be interested in chosen community/family. I had heard they were both researching forms of chosen community and was baffled that she didn't see our family as having done that already. I was confused as to why she wouldn't consider finding ways that our family could be together as a group rather than divided. Okay, maybe she wants to create her own community and that involves PN leaving to come to her community...? I was trying to reach out to bridge the two families, but apparently either I dropped the ball on expressing that or she isn't interested and will continue to support PN in moving out.
I also sent a message to PN's mum. She had told me that she would always be there to help and listen to me so I thought perhaps she would be able to hear what I am asking for and at least help PN hear it from another person as apparently, coming from me, he is not able to hear it. She also has decided he should leave and will support him in doing so. I wasn't so surprised at this from her. She left her children and home when PN was 12 and although she regretted she had to, thought it was the right decision. I was surprised however that after years of supporting me and our family as being poly that she was so quick to jump on the bandwagon of PN leaving. She said to me once that if given a choice back when she left her family, she would of chosen to stay and would of asked for a poly relationship so she could stay with her kids. I guess she forgot about that idea? I don't know.
I wrote back to the gf and told her that I agreed with her comment about not wanting to get involved and that she should not involve herself in mine and PN's business any further... I wrote back to PN's mum that I was not interested in talking with her further as I needed all my energy to move forward with keeping our family together. After talking with my parents, to Mono, to many friends.... I realized I was the only one who could see how PN staying would be a good thing for all of us. They all think that I should let go of him being capable of doing the work it would take to stay and that I should figure out what I am going to do when he does go... so I made a plan.
I decided to ask that PN pay half the expenses for the house so we can stay in the house raising LB for another five years until he is 17. Our mortgage is for that long so I am hoping I can buy him out by then or that LB will be used to his Dad being gone and will be okay to move into something smaller. LB is just about to finish up at his last year at the little private school he has been attending since he was 5. He is known and loved there and has two months left to feel part of a school family community that has been built there. After that he has a full summer of summer camps with kids he doesn't know and then into a big public school with only one friend he knows. As it is now he is totally ready for this move and looking forward to it. My fear is that he will not be if his Dad goes so I asked that PN move out now if he is going so that LB at least has two months of adjusting to just that one area of his life. So, if PN pays half the expenses, and moves out now, the transition might be the least amount possible for LB. If he decides to stay then we will have to talk about a change in his attitude and perspective so that we can move forward. Change in our living arrangement can happen if he works with me...
Now I must just wait and see what he decides...
He has asked that I stay out of his decision making and give him his independence. I am doing that. I find it hard to not jump in there and convince him out of leaving, but I see no happy ending if I try and do that. It has to come from him and it has to be his chose out of his own best interest. I will just have to live with the result and so will LB and Mono.