redpepper
Active member
Codependency is a mindset and a lifestyle choice, just as autonomy is, I have come to think.I find these views interesting, never actually thought about it this way - then again I have trouble putting words to ideas sometimes. I'm in the process of trying to help my husband smash all "traditional" thoughts to relationships and sexuality as he's struggling with coming to terms with himself. I find that the more we throw out all traditional labels and just focus on what is working for either of us, the happier we are. It sounds selfish, to focus on what is really making me happy or unhappy, but how else am I going to clue my partner(s) in when there's a problem and vice versa.
When we treat our marriage like a business partnership instead of ownership of each other things work much better, even if it is co-dependent.
If I feel as if my life is my own, that I could set myself up just fine without whoever being in my life, make choices that consider my others, yet keep faithful and loyal to myself (integrity to the values I have), that I could be just as happy without others' input and influence and STILL love having someone in my life. THEN my relationships 'serve me.'
If I can't entirely say a firm YES to anyone without saying 'but,' or if I have to think about it and force-fit the situation to feel good about it, then I know I am not there, and I will not be living to my true potential If I don't make a change. Essentially I know I will not be as content and connected to the world as I could be. Furthermore, if I am grasping to keep a relationship stable then it is 'serving the relationship.'
(Okay, young kids that need care and raising can't be part of this equation, I don't think. The best that can be done where kid responsibilities are is to come close. Not miserable, but at least happy that the best-case scenario is worked out. Otherwise, it's time to leave.)
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