Shaya
New member
As a forum, we often find ourselves giving advice to newcomers to polyamory. These newcomers are sometimes already in an established long term relationship and our advice can range from divorce, to stop poly and focus on your relationship first, to "rock on poly." I sometimes feel we give advice based on very little information, always coloured by the lens of the opening poster.
More and more I think the health of the underlying original relationship plays a bigger role in a successful transition than we give it credit for. Our questions, if we ask any, tend to be "what does your partner think of poly," whereas I think the real money lies in asking "how good are you at maintaining one relationship" or "how strong is your monogamy?" Because if you can't do one relationship, you certainly can't do two and if your monogamy is not strong, it certainly won't survive the transition to poly.
Here is a set of questions adapted from a book by Shirley Glass called "Not just friends." I found it enlightening for my relationship. It's a questionairre about relationship vulnerabilities and has nothing to do with polyamory. I suspect it also presumes you are monogamous. Answer the questions and score yourself 0, 1 or 2 for each question. Add up your 16 answers to get a number between 0 and 32 to see how vulnerable your relationship might be. Your partner should do it separately since they will likely arrive at a different score. Do the quiz whilst feeling emotionally neutral if you can - don't do this whilst angry, arguing or unduly upset.
******************************************
Score each question with
0 (No. Disagree completely),
1 (Yes, agree somewhat) or
2 (Yes, agree completely).
Add up your 16 answers to get a number between 0 and 32.
1. We had problems trusting each other early in our relationship.
2. Our relationship revolves around our children (or for childless couples, we disagree on whether or not to have children).
3. My partner spends too much time away from home.
4. My partner rarely takes my side in anything.
5. We've grown apart.
6. I have felt alone and unsupported at times of loss or crises.
7. We don't have equal input for important decisions.
8. We argue about the frequency of sex.
9. Our interactions feel more like a parent-child relationship than one between equals.
10. We are uncomfortable about exposing our inner selves to each other.
11. We sweep things under the rug so we hardly ever fight.
12. There's a disparity in how invested we are in the relationship.
13. I feel I can't influence my partner to do what I request.
14. I don't know if I really love my partner.
15. We don't know how to repair after a conflict.
16. We don't have much in common.
*****************************************
Interpretation of results from Shirley Glass. Your relationship is in:
0-4: A safe harbour.
5-13: Choppy waters.
14-23: Rough seas.
24-32: Watch out! You're headed for the rocks.
*****************************************
I discuss in post 2 below my score and my wife's score. I discuss in post 3 below a suggestion for the previously monogamous couple who didn't score as well as they had hoped and what I feel this might mean for their transition to polyamory. Post 4 onwards will be comments from other forum members about this.
I would be interested in your feedback on how useful you think this is, bearing in mind that there are probably a hundred such quizzes including many that might be better than this at assessing relationship vulnerabilities.
More and more I think the health of the underlying original relationship plays a bigger role in a successful transition than we give it credit for. Our questions, if we ask any, tend to be "what does your partner think of poly," whereas I think the real money lies in asking "how good are you at maintaining one relationship" or "how strong is your monogamy?" Because if you can't do one relationship, you certainly can't do two and if your monogamy is not strong, it certainly won't survive the transition to poly.
Here is a set of questions adapted from a book by Shirley Glass called "Not just friends." I found it enlightening for my relationship. It's a questionairre about relationship vulnerabilities and has nothing to do with polyamory. I suspect it also presumes you are monogamous. Answer the questions and score yourself 0, 1 or 2 for each question. Add up your 16 answers to get a number between 0 and 32 to see how vulnerable your relationship might be. Your partner should do it separately since they will likely arrive at a different score. Do the quiz whilst feeling emotionally neutral if you can - don't do this whilst angry, arguing or unduly upset.
******************************************
Score each question with
0 (No. Disagree completely),
1 (Yes, agree somewhat) or
2 (Yes, agree completely).
Add up your 16 answers to get a number between 0 and 32.
1. We had problems trusting each other early in our relationship.
2. Our relationship revolves around our children (or for childless couples, we disagree on whether or not to have children).
3. My partner spends too much time away from home.
4. My partner rarely takes my side in anything.
5. We've grown apart.
6. I have felt alone and unsupported at times of loss or crises.
7. We don't have equal input for important decisions.
8. We argue about the frequency of sex.
9. Our interactions feel more like a parent-child relationship than one between equals.
10. We are uncomfortable about exposing our inner selves to each other.
11. We sweep things under the rug so we hardly ever fight.
12. There's a disparity in how invested we are in the relationship.
13. I feel I can't influence my partner to do what I request.
14. I don't know if I really love my partner.
15. We don't know how to repair after a conflict.
16. We don't have much in common.
*****************************************
Interpretation of results from Shirley Glass. Your relationship is in:
0-4: A safe harbour.
5-13: Choppy waters.
14-23: Rough seas.
24-32: Watch out! You're headed for the rocks.
*****************************************
I discuss in post 2 below my score and my wife's score. I discuss in post 3 below a suggestion for the previously monogamous couple who didn't score as well as they had hoped and what I feel this might mean for their transition to polyamory. Post 4 onwards will be comments from other forum members about this.
I would be interested in your feedback on how useful you think this is, bearing in mind that there are probably a hundred such quizzes including many that might be better than this at assessing relationship vulnerabilities.
Last edited: