Religion, politics, sex .. and other taboo subjects

[Spork]

Well.

My experience, no matter what I had heard about...

Age 14-18 I was banging most of my friends, mostly high school boys, but a few older guys too, and not once did I get off during sex. Never. I faked it a lot. But my understanding was that it was supposed to happen, and if I let on that it didn't, I'd be implying that the boy was deficient somehow. I didn't want to bruise egos. And had I let on that I didn't get there, I imagine their answer would have been to pound away on me longer, or do inept things that weren't ever going to get me there, as though continuing to do what wasn't working for a few more hours would get me off, rather than simply make me bored and sore. No...I faked it so that my boys would feel that it was fine for them to be done, when I was ready for them to be done.

I still really enjoyed sex with many of them though, just for other reasons than orgasm seeking.

Then my marriage... He was a 10 on a scale of 1-10 for me when we met, it was the best sex I'd ever had. Because I finally for some reason decided it was ok to "help out" if I wanted to. I always thought before that it would be weird for me to do that...I'm not really sure why I changed my mind, but I did. As I got to know him though, sex became something I was hesitant over, avoidant of, and shy about. His concepts of possessiveness, extreme jealousy, insecurity, shame, sex-negativity, and a deep inner drive for violence of the harmful sort...these aspects of him caused me to put up so many defensive walls that I couldn't be vulnerable to him anymore. So sure, once we got going I might have enjoyed it sometimes, maybe even got off...but I was very disengaged mentally and I really didn't want that closeness with him.

So the partners I've had in the last year, several have been very good. But a few of them have moved the bar up VERY high. And Zen...he's opened up worlds of sensation and passion and love and pain and pleasure and...

The things that you named there, Ravenscroft...ok, Old Wolf and I used to have simultaneous ones sometimes. But otherwise...much of that I thought I just couldn't have. Did not think I was capable of multiple, or even of the best, most powerful climaxes with a partner involved or during the act. G-spot? Rare and elusive (actually getting the stimulation just right for those can still be tricky.) But Zen can keep me edging right at peak for hours, occasionally tipping me over but I still stay right up there. It's a mix between him doing things that no one ever has...and I didn't even know to ask for, or that I would like...and as I told him once, I feel like a sort of plasma ball, the globe thingie with the lightening in it? Like my bodily energy responds to his touch like that, as it never has for anyone.

I have only had two lovers in my life that I'd even want to have sex play with for a matter of HOURS at a time. Worm King, and Zen. All the others, even the ones I enjoyed or loved or wanted...if we got to one hour, I was already bored and restless and wanted it to be over. Perfect was like 10-30 minutes.

 

[Spork]

I've got a sex related controversy to talk about here.

Porn.

So, I am not in theory against it, (assuming we're not talking about exploitative situations here.) I'm not against sex work in general, when it comes to freedom to do it and like it...I believe in personal freedom too much.

But I've just been listening to some recommended materials under the heading on Youtube of "Your Brain on Porn." It basically talks about how the brain gets the dopamine jolt from the endless novelty of today's streaming porn and the how and why of it being like an addiction.

The bottom line is that I feel that logically:

- I am not ok with being a 30 second blip in a partner's life. I want love and attachment. I want him to enjoy me, us, and to continue to for more than a very short time. I don't like feeling abandoned because I'm not novel anymore.

- I have no right to ask any man to not enjoy porn. Men like porn. I have to accept it.

- Porn will always be superior to sex with me because there is endless novelty available. It never gets boring, it's always new new new new and therefore giving the novelty dopamine shot again and again. A man also need not put up with the hassle of maintaining a human being, with her feelings and her needs and her issues and stuff...porn is "the perfect woman" because it's all the good and none of the bad.

- Why do men bother? Other than to get a "mommy" in their lives to emotionally coddle them and give them mommy stuff...why do men want the real thing at all, if it's doomed to ultimately be unsatisfying in comparison? Men have a mechanism that is designed to give them the perfect kind of endless novelty reward loop and chemical sexual hit...what is even appealing about the real thing? Is it social status?

I am rethinking the whole business of even trying to have sex with men, much as I like it, knowing this hurts me. Since I can't expect men to not watch and enjoy porn, but I don't want to go up against something I can't possibly compete with...I can never be all the women, and I can never be all the things, and I've got all of this human baggage on top of that...

It makes me want to check out and not even participate. I mean, I think of men who find me attractive and I think sadly, "that's only because I seem like a novel idea, you haven't yet seen/done/had...but if I consented, 30 seconds in you'd be bored. What's the point?" For someone who tears herself apart over the idea of "you're not good enough"...well, I guess I'm not. Maybe it isn't my fault, but it still sucks.

I can't reconcile my personal feelings with my political ones on this subject.

 

[Hannahfluke]

Spork,

I only can speak for myself and what I think on this topic and what I think the men I've been with, both currently and past, think, I don't know for sure how they think, because I haven't asked.

My partner I'm with now, the only person I regularly have sex with right now, wouldn't be happy with just porn in his life. He has a couple fetishes that make having a partner to participate with kind of critical for him to really enjoy a sexual experience, otherwise it's just a physical release and kind of Meh for him (that part I know, he's told me so in pretty close to those exact words). So porn can be interesting and fun for him, but to really enjoy sex he needs a real person engaging with him, which he won't get from porn.

My husband, who I have by far had the most sexual experiences with, since we were monogamous for 17 years (even though we don't have sex often right now) really likes porn. But, while he enjoys porn, he also wants the emotional and physical intimacy that sex with a woman (since he's straight) provides. He wouldn't be happy long term if porn and masterbating were his only sexual release.

My last boyfriend really liked porn too but he was also the most sexually active person I've ever been with. The norm for us, until we started having issues, was to have sex at least twice on the days we'd spend together. At the beginning, we had sex, usually, as often as he could within the time I was there (he had a really fast recharge rate, which I really loved and took advantage of), we went through a lot of condoms at the beginning. He is also the person I've been with that has had the most partners. So being with a partner obviously gives him something that porn doesn’t.

I think that while porn may provide novelty for men, most people crave physical and emotional intimacy with others and porn can't provide that (at least not yet, I keep thinking of the movie Serenity and Mr. Universe's sex bot ). I think that's the missing piece of why men would want you also, not just endless porn. Plus, I'm sure that watching someone else cause pain isn't nearly as fulfilling as causing it yourself to someone who loves it, for a sadist, which is another area where porn can't compete with you.

 

[Leetah]

That is being hard on men to take one fact about human nature and decide that is the whole of their feelings! Do you truly think that a flesh blood woman that they care for and cares for them feels less than pictures on a screen? That most humans would prefer one brain chemical that is released by visual stimulus over the total sensory, emotional and intellectual stimulus generated by sex? I don't think you really believe that. You are loved and valued in bed and out by people who know you!

Leetah

 

[Spork]

That is being hard on men to take one fact about human nature and decide that is the whole of their feelings!

No. There is more to it. They would also want to appear successful to others in the sense that they have the status that comes with having a woman. And they would maybe get something from the physical touch, not sexual but...the same skin-skin contact thing that exists with in mother/baby contact and attachment. The validation.

Of course none of that would be experienced with the same intensity of a drug addiction, which would be a similar concept to the push-the-button, get-the-reward of clickyclickyclicky through rapid novel bits of various porn. It's custom made for this. And there is nothing I could possibly have in my life that will compare to that. It does nothing for me. I don't want to see a thousand dicks.

So...I guess maybe I'm good for something, if not for that. I can't explain. I'm having this whole experience that is amazing, and I feel like I should be lucky my partner is along for the ride. But is it really enough for him to put up with me, especially as the novelty of me becomes more and more a thing of the past? Why?

Do you truly think that a flesh blood woman that they care for and cares for them feels less than pictures on a screen?

Yes. A reward center wired to porn won't get the same kind of stimulation without the novelty, like a rat pulling a lever, and choosing the chemical over food. I expect it feels a lot better. My fear is that he's waiting for it to be as good...because after all, the whole world is forever on about sex, so it must be great eventually...but it never will be as good. And eventually I'm gonna be more trouble than I'm worth and he's gonna know it.

That most humans would prefer one brain chemical that is released by visual stimulus over the total sensory, emotional and intellectual stimulus generated by sex? I don't think you really believe that. You are loved and valued in bed and out by people who know you!

Leetah

A lot less by the people who have been there and done that. The ones who haven't...well, they've got their imaginations.

I just don't see why reality beats fantasy when reality is real. Women on screens don't have to change position because something is cramping up, they don't bother you with doubts and moods and insecurities. Fantasies are perfect and real people are not. I most certainly am not.

 

[FallenAngelina]

- Why do men bother? Other than to get a "mommy" in their lives to emotionally coddle them and give them mommy stuff...why do men want the real thing at all, if it's doomed to ultimately be unsatisfying in comparison?

From what I understand from almost every man I've asked, it's the other way around. Porn is extremely unsatisfying compared to the real thing. Stimulation from novel porn is one thing, but I don't have the impression that most men are looking for anywhere near that level of novelty in their actual sex lives and vastly prefer the sexual love of real beloved women. I tend not to believe all of those supposedly scientific conjectures about how bad porn is for the brain. When I was a kid, moms everywhere lived in terror that their kids would all grow up to be heartless murders and thieves because we were exposed to so much TV violence. And TV advertising was going to turn us all sociopathic. Nowadays, it's "screen time" and free porn that are going to turn male brains to mush and render them incapable of love. I just don't see it happening at all.

 

[Spork]

Sorry. I've been struggling with some excessively maudlin emotional self torture, and I think it's because of nicotine withdrawal. 23 days now. I just remembered that my last serious attempt ended about a month in, due to a mental episode where I freaked out over nothing (that has been the breaking point of every prior attempt to quit.)

Just had lunch with Zen. Got a head-full of his look and touch and voice and now I'm feeling recharged.

The porn thing still troubles me, but...not as deeply and viciously as just a couple of hours ago.

Look at it this way:
I had my ex, who constantly lectured me that I didn't want sex often enough or keep it interesting enough, and eventually told me that since I "had no libido" or "had no sex drive" that he would be taking care of it himself (with porn) every evening. If I wanted to participate in his sex life, I needed to give him 24 hours advance notice so he'd be mentally prepared to NOT take care of it himself.

Had a partner who basically pushed me out the moment I ceased to be a novel experience for him, which was also about the point I was feeling attached. That was painful.

Had a partner who seemed to lack interest in sex or play with me, but still had an interest in porn and cam girls, who SAID he wanted to do stuff with me...but then often just wasn't in the mood for sex. Well. He was too stressed out to be interested in sex with ME, but if it was something easy and novel, then that was fun and got his interest.

The list goes on. It leaves me feeling like either there is something there, that I just can't compare to, or maybe I specifically (as my ex tells me) am just no good. When I'm in a funk, I can't shut this stuff off...this, or something else like it... And on the days where I don't see or talk to Zen, I have a hard time keeping my faith in his regard for me burning strong...doubts and fears sneak in. I am not as strong as I pretend to be.

 

[vinsanity0]

I understand that some guys (and gals) do get addicted to porn. I'd say it is like any other addiction. Some people can gamble occasionally, some have to gamble. I think anyone who prefers porn over the real thing has issues.

For me, porn is very poor substitute for the real thing as far as sex goes. Not even close. Also, it's not so novel. The reality is maturbation is just masturbation. So ask yourself who would prefer masturbating over a real sexual relationship. Obviously someone who is incapable of maintaining a relationship. Those issues aren't your fault.

 

[Spork]

I understand that some guys (and gals) do get addicted to porn. I'd say it is like any other addiction. Some people can gamble occasionally, some have to gamble. I think anyone who prefers porn over the real thing has issues.

For me, porn is very poor substitute for the real thing as far as sex goes. Not even close. Also, it's not so novel. The reality is maturbation is just masturbation. So ask yourself who would prefer masturbating over a real sexual relationship. Obviously someone who is incapable of maintaining a relationship. Those issues aren't your fault.

Or someone who just has not had many, in his life, or has not had someone in a while.

But there have been more than one man in my history who got so acclimated to porn and masturbation, due to a dry spell where sex wasn't available, that it made actual sex challenging for him to enjoy.

 

[FallenAngelina]

....either there is something there, that I just can't compare to, or maybe I specifically (as my ex tells me) am just no good.

Seems you're in an exceptional funk because the Spork who usually posts knows that these are by no means the only two options. This seems pretty out of character for you to have such doubts about yourself. I hope I'm not being too forward in saying so. It's just that I care.

 

[Spork]

Seems you're in an exceptional funk because the Spork who usually posts knows that these are by no means the only two options. This seems pretty out of character for you to have such doubts about yourself. I hope I'm not being too forward in saying so. It's just that I care.

There is never just the one thing...I think I am too complicated for that. It would be nice if I could have a problem, and it was just the problem itself, as it appeared on the surface, that was the whole of the picture.

I know that I am vulnerable to internal chemical stuff. From hormones to diet to sleep to nic withdrawals. Anything can push me in one direction or another, and I look out for that stuff, but sometimes it takes me a bit of suffering to stop and find and address the biological/chemical issues. Some, like hormones or drop, there isn't much I can do but wait it out. The rest...use the vape, sleep enough, eat enough. Check, check, check.

After that, there's the fact that I'm prone to sometimes having battles with depression. It's gotten ugly in the past, but I try very hard to head it off, avoid certain behaviors that feed into it and make it worse. I know where I am capable of putting myself. When I'm saying the bad things to myself, I'm driving myself into the well....when I'm talking about it online, it's because I would love to ask my partner or friends or someone for some support, but I feel if I do I'll be a bummer, I'll be needy and lame, and they won't want me around anymore. The merest possibility of losing them is so awful, I can't share my stuff with my real life people very easily. I was indirectly doing it in my blog...but that was a bad idea for certain reasons with some of my partners...if nothing else I just throw it out there into the interwebs because keeping it in hurts.

The concerns themselves...my own insecurity, my bad feelings about porn, whatever...that's probably the least part of it. But it's enough to tie my brain in knots if I'm feeling the way I've been for a couple of days now.

 

[kdt26417]

Count me as one man who prefers the real thing over the simulation a thousand times over.

 

[InsaneMystic]

Count me as one man who prefers the real thing over the simulation a thousand times over.

Yeah. I find it baffling to hear that any sexual guy would (consistently) prefer rubbing one off to porn over actually doing the deed with a partner, because the only folks I've heard that from until now all were asexuals.

While for me, personally, using a "visual masturbation aid" is infinitely less off-putting than the idea of having partnered sex, you bet that I consider this to be closely tied to my asexuality. There are folks who see their libido as just a nasty-yet-neccessary chore to deal with ASAP, comparable to taking a dump, and like taking a dump, it's best dealt with alone and privately... but those people tend to have in common that they fall squarely into the asexual spectrum.

IME, sexual people - and that goes especially for guys - just about invariably see masturbating to porn as nothing more than an inferior substitute for partnered sex... similar to eating stale bread compared to a full, fancy meal. Sure, the stale bread will suffice to keep you from starving, but the enjoyment level is way lower.

 

[Spork]

I'm more concerned with a thing where a guy uses porn constantly because it's just normal and fun...but believes he wants the real thing...or says he does...yet has difficulties in his actual enjoyment or performance of it, or porn changes his expectations until real sex isn't exciting anymore.

Case #1: I tried a policy of "never say no." I tried to keep sex to twice a week. But if I wasn't also dressing up, or doing something fetishy (even if it hurt me or I wasn't into it)...I was accused of being boring and lectured about it. Told I never did this or that, when I frequently did this or that. I was expected to keep it novel and new and interesting, when zero effort was put into bringing anything novel, new or interesting into it for me. I was being cast in a role where my job in the bedroom was to be entertaining for him. My needs didn't matter much in that relationship anyways, and that's really just part of who he is...but this approach to sex coupled with my feeling that, due to porn, there was an impossible standard (infinity...compared to a real person with limits and flaws) that I was compared to. No way I could meet that standard, so I gave up and put up walls and disengaged from his sexuality, and was so disconnected and defensive (not vulnerable, not open) that I was very uncomfortable even talking about sex with him.

Case #2: Partner I became very attached to, as soon as the excitement of "strange, new sex partner" wore off, pushed me out of his life. Found out later that he habitually does this with women. Novelty seeking in actual partners. Any one seems to bore him quickly.

Case #3: Partner appeared to lose interest in play or sex with me. Some physical dysfunctions presented at times, but not that bad. Didn't want to talk about it. Claimed no interest in sex, but when I was sleeping there, took an almost delighted interest in incoming content from "cam girlfriend"...also showed interest in novel, new partners for play during time when supposedly had no interest in sex. Frequent porn & masturbation habits.

Case #4: Partner who claimed porn addiction, tried very hard to enjoy the real thing but had dysfunctions and difficulties. Could never finish. Others say, "wow, endless stamina"...I don't agree. I want my partners to finish. It is as important to me, as a man wanting his partners to enjoy sex. I dislike the concept that sex is the guy performing for the enjoyment of the woman. We should both be performing for one another's enjoyment. He did seem very "into" me...claimed it's not me it's him.

Case #5: Told by a flirt that he prefers brief, intense sexual affairs and even if feelings happen, wants them to end quickly so that they can be remembered at their best before anyone gets bored or anything bad happens. Claims hundreds of partners. Admits to frequent porn habits.

This is not just being a sex addict or a porn addict...the fact that frequent sex with one partner would never be enough for such a person means addiction to novelty in sex.

I could go on. The point is, I feel like I will always be disappointing as a real person with real limits on who I can be and what I am, compared to infinite variety, and there is infinite variety with a man who bangs woman after woman, but then there is the screen, where you can watch and explore things you might not be comfortable doing in real life. Because those aren't real people you have to worry about hurting them or offending anyone or the moral implications or degradation or anything, (even though they ARE real people...there is the nice safe buffer, and the watcher isn't DOING the acts so he need not trouble himself with his own morals if they come into whether he'd really DO any of that)...

The flipside is, ok...I'm wrong... Because other women are able to have relationships where their men prefer them, and love them, and are satisfied by them and those relationships are happy in a longterm way. But I can't, my attempts seem to fail, and my failures haunt me. The men are lying to spare my feelings, it's not them, it really is me. I am after all, the common denominator. So, I am in some way inferior or broken or not good because I can't seem to pull off what others can. They are exciting and interesting and I'm boring, I don't know. Or my ex is right and childbirth simply wrecked my ability to be enjoyable. I'm attractive enough to get them interested, but they lose that interest pretty quickly or don't really enjoy the real thing once they've got it in front of them. But the bottom line is, on top of the difficult chemical stuff that had me feeling reactions at 500 times their real impact... I am in love and I'm scared that no matter what I do, I will become disappointing and boring to my man and lose him. Getting attached to someone has become scary to me, I'm afraid of loss and I'm afraid that by even having these thoughts I'm going to mess it all up.

I could be talking to him and I could be asking for reassurance instead of struggling through my drops alone...but I feel like I'm needy, I'm a downer, I'm adding a burden of stress and maintenance on him if I talk to him about this stuff. So I struggle.

 

[FallenAngelina]

.... I'm scared that no matter what I do, I will become disappointing and boring to my man and lose him. Getting attached to someone has become scary to me, I'm afraid of loss and I'm afraid that by even having these thoughts I'm going to mess it all up.

I could be talking to him and I could be asking for reassurance instead of struggling through my drops alone...but I feel like I'm needy, I'm a downer, I'm adding a burden of stress and maintenance on him if I talk to him about this stuff. So I struggle.

It's not so much that you'd be a downer or adding stress, it's that you'd be asking him to literally change your mind, which he cannot do. The problem with the oft-advised seeking reassurance is that it doesn't work very well and is a temporary fix, at best. "Needy" is asking another to do what he cannot do, which is wipe away your go-to thoughts and associations with attachment and loss. You know that's an inside job and that's in part why you're reluctant to talk with him. Yes, a loving partner can hear our fears and embrace what feel like broken parts in us, but a loving partner can't make us have different thoughts and feelings than we do. Nobody else can bring these to you. It's always a hero's journey.

 

[Ravenscroft]

Oh... heavens. While you're about as far from "irrational optimist" as it's possible to get, you've gone really dark here.

My overall impression is that you have started from a desired conclusion, then bounced backward -- which is okay, but that doesn't mean the conclusion is the sole possible outcome from the founding principles. For instance,

Men like porn.

...& so do women. I'd say almost half my lovers like it more than I do, & I'm no prude.

the brain gets the dopamine jolt from the endless novelty ... there is endless novelty available. It never gets boring, it's always new new new new and therefore giving the novelty dopamine shot again and again.

Nonsense -- porn is endlessly repetetive, prone to fads & myths. I had to ask one lover to CEASE the antics another boyfriend (a borderline porn addict) demands, the "reverse cowgirl" is now & do NOT suck on my testicles thankyouverydamnmuch. Even anal intercourse loses its fun when it's part of the "package tour". Having experienced many orgasms in a willing woman's vagina, I have to say that the standard porno "money shot" is vastly inferior

Not to overlook the women who don't look like they're really into it: uncertain, bored, tolerating, even irritated. Not one of MY turn-ons.

As for the "dopamine jolt" thing: any male who finds "rubbing out a fast one" to be ANYTHING REMOTELY equivalent to the toe-tingling floating-on-air orgasm derived from an hour (or three) of actual interpersonal SEX is an utter moron &/or an addict & doesn't deserve contact with women. I enjoy drinking, but slowly savoring an ounce of proper Scotch is lightyears different from slamming tequila shots, even further from swilling a dozen Bud Lights. The commonality is alcohol... but little further basis for comparison.

And though I'm not totally het, I'm NOT interested in endless parades of disembodied penises. Seems like most on-camera males don't want to leave a legacy of THEIR funny faces & silly noises. I'm a fan of Peter North because he actually seems to be enjoying his on-camera partners; the music often goes Extra Loud to cover up his patter, & he makes the others giggle, which is closer to MY style of sex.

porn is "the perfect woman" because it's all the good and none of the bad.

Here, I'd maybe agree if you mean "good" to be a C+, "bad" a D. It leaves out the possibility of achieving "great" or even "excellent" -- which I wouldn't expect could happen with porn.

And I could fill a few books with essays as to why I like imperfect women.

My overall feeling is that there ARE males who prefer porn over activity with real people... yet we give hardcore gamers a pass because sexual gratification isn't at the center of it. Are fantasy-league addicts somehow morally superior?

I can't say that I have ever become bored with a sexual partner. I was involved with Nancy for 16+ years. Speaking strictly for myself, the sex was ALWAYS great, ranging from sweet calm lovemaking to hot sweaty passion, even if we were just playing variations on elements we'd done hundreds of times.

Anyway, all just toward discussion. Spork, I hope that you're feeling better about life.

 

[FallenAngelina]

porn is endlessly repetitive

Interesting and helpful to hear your POV, Ravenscroft, and especially this.

 

[IndieSolo]

Jeez, this convo turned really depressing. I don't know if any of us here can actually say something that would be useful to you, Spork. Sounds like you're in need of some professional help.

 

[Spork]

I am doing a LOT better right now. Even for a Monday. As I've said, I had a perfect storm of stuff conspiring to wreck my whole attitude.

Anyone who has ever quit smoking will understand that piece of the puzzle.

Anyone who has experienced a nasty bout of sub-drop will get that part.

Hormonal wonks like PMS in the mix, too.

And the part I must apologize for, there is a missing piece of the puzzle that this problem was, and is, that I can't really talk about here with you wonderful people, because it's not mine to share. I do respect the privacy of my loved ones enough that there are some details I won't put on blast...but do be assured that I have talked to the relevant party about it and I feel better.

Which in fact was what needed to happen...and it was only my fear of being too needy in reaching out to Zen and getting the assurances I needed that was holding me back there. And of course the subsiding of the nasty mix of head chemicals helps immensely.

So. On that note, there was a convo in a FB polyamory group that last week I would have ranted and raged on, but today I actually said, "I must bow out of this, due to bias." This guy cheated on his girlfriend, says she has low sex drive, or else maybe he is a sex addict, and he is using poly to cover his bad behavior. Actually says he talked to her, and she says he doesn't make her feel beautiful anymore. And he can't because it would be lying, she put on weight. Since she's now fat, he can't be attracted to her, and it's doubly her fault for not desiring to submit to sex more often even though she knows he doesn't find her attractive anymore. So he's utterly blameless and justified somehow in cheating, and I'm sure when she finds out and breaks up with him, it will be all her fault even more. But ultimately the root of the problem is that the woman he "loves" is now ugly, and that matters more than anything. I can't. Even. I'm a white girl who can't even. Nope. I don't wanna. Not engaging. Not going there. Nope.

Also had a conversation with a male acquaintance last week about all of this, and his repeated answer was, "but you're hot." but you're hot, but you're hot, why don't you think you're hot, why don't you make the most of your sexiness, put on makeup and act feminine and be the hot chick because you're hot. DUDE. Did not get my issue one bit. My issue has always come down to, I value ME from the inside out, because I know myself from the inside out. Who I am...the things I feel, say, do. Not the stuff that is beyond my control, the body I pilot around...I keep it healthy, but it's got flaws I can't fix. It will never be perfect. And it will age, and eventually fail.

My issue, that sometimes flares into all of this very dark stuff, is that I love a man...and in order to please him and engage HIS sexuality and be what he will love, I have to betray myself. I have to place all of the importance on the outside, because brains don't make for boners. A guy doesn't give a damn if I cured cancer, he doesn't care who I am. He cares if I'm hot. And one day...I won't be anymore. What will I be worth, then? It is a rather hopeless outlook to have. It is one of my bigger, hairier, nastier gremlins. Once in a while it gets out of its cage and messes with me. I've felt at least somewhat my entire life, that I love whole human beings...but they (the men I've loved) only love a cardboard cutout that isn't even really me.

When you back those concepts with a cauldron of turbulent emotion, you get my melodramatic ass of last week. Today I can sketch out the logic, but I'm not typing any of this with tears in my eyes or pain in my heart. I'm just...explaining.

I had a great weekend. Zen has reassured me. I am reassured. He's not like anyone I've ever known, and I'm not "too much" for him, I don't think. We are good.

 

[Magdlyn]

My issue has always come down to, I value ME from the inside out, because I know myself from the inside out. Who I am...the things I feel, say, do. Not the stuff that is beyond my control, the body I pilot around...I keep it healthy, but it's got flaws I can't fix. It will never be perfect. And it will age, and eventually fail.

My issue, that sometimes flares into all of this very dark stuff, is that I love a man...and in order to please him and engage HIS sexuality and be what he will love, I have to betray myself. I have to place all of the importance on the outside, because brains don't make for boners. A guy doesn't give a damn if I cured cancer, he doesn't care who I am. He cares if I'm hot. And one day...I won't be anymore. What will I be worth, then? It is a rather hopeless outlook to have. It is one of my bigger, hairier, nastier gremlins. Once in a while it gets out of its cage and messes with me. I've felt at least somewhat my entire life, that I love whole human beings...but they (the men I've loved) only love a cardboard cutout that isn't even really me.

Then you're hanging out with the wrong men. I only date guys who are sapiosexual. I don't answer men on OK Cupid who only comment on my looks. (I actually block them so they can't gaze upon my beauty anymore.) And right now, today, I got messaged by 2 men who actually mentioned my interests instead of just my looks! True, this rarely happens, but most men on OKC are wankers. I reckon most of the good ones with a bit of brains and decency are already partnered, or married, or gay.

But one of these 2 guys actually asked me if I thought men could ever be attracted to a woman's mind, instead of just her looks and how she feels. Because he is sapiosexual, but he didn't know if women would believe him that a man even could be that.