Sailing Solo

[Atlantis]

Hi Jane. They were 2 separate incidents. The cat was actually my second cat lost in 3 months. One was 14 and the other was coming up on 19. Kidney disease for both. I am now fur baby free.Friday night was vey hard. I went to bed to cozy up and watch tv and ended up crying on the phone to my friend. I am reading and watching tv on the sofa until lights-out for the time being.

The cat ceremony I was mostly willing to go along with. The other stuff is a bit too spiritual for me.

I did look at the cats for adoption in Petsmart. They work with the local rescue shelters and are not selling kitty-mill cats. It was very tempting but I have spent bank on the cats in the past couple of years and can do without vet bills for a while.

I fell off my sofa on Monday night. I was taking a short-cut to turn of a light by climbing over the back and totally caught my foot and went splat on a hardwood floor. I went to work on Tuesday feeling very stiff and sore, too much gym I thought, Weds was sore and still hard to walk and hard to type and a pain up my arm and back and pain when driving. By Friday night I decided to take a look under good lighting. Bruises! I must have splatted a lot harder than I thought.
I have spent this weekend doing little bits and pieces and then reading or watching tv. I did have a nice walk with my friend but was feeling the aches by the end. I had to shelve the painting plans till next weekend or more likely over Thanksgiving.

The bumps and bruises chilling has allowed me too much time for OLD. I have a phone chat scheduled for tonight and a couple of other people in the early chat stages. Mr Fit is still texting twice a day. Lots of hugs and other emojis, virtually no content.

Bit of chat with Mr Lime, I said I had the weekend mostly free and he glided on past that.

Mr Tulip called Saturday night to talk kids.

 

[Atlantis]

I had a nice chat with Mr OLD. He is keen to meet and willing to drive as I am where I am for the week and he is where he is. Enthusiasm is nice.

Here's me over thinking and planning again, but it's possibly time for me to give up poly and look at monogamy/serial monogamy. I am just not willing to fight for Queen Bee status in a poly relationship. I imagine there to be equity but my personal experience is that the drama wins out. The drama relationship usually seems to crash and burn but it is easily and quickly replaced by another. I like high intensity on occasion but that is not sustainable for me. I am ready to try something more akin to regular monogamy.

I have tried dipping my toes into monogamy and, in the past post-divorce years, it has felt stifling and restrictive. But, at the end of the day, I am chit-chat friend because I have been unwilling to go all in with one human being and give uo Prof. And so I am left with Prof saying," I will turn up if I am available". Yeah no. I personally will drop everything and will turn up with a bucket to put out your fire.

No more DADT.

I hope I will not be changing my mind but have actually set a new course.

 

[Vicki82]

I hope you find peace in whatever path you seek, Atlantis.

 

[Atlantis]

Thanks Vicki.
I am terrible for doing the same behaviors over and over. I can see myself doing it but familiarity is hard to beat.

I had a very nice day with Prof up to the point he was doing the old" someone said" and then "someone said this." I asked him way be so cagey when I have met and am now aware of the main girlfriends in his life. He said, in a pretty snippy tome of voice that he doesn't want drama. I asked him when I have given him drama of late? He replied when I am drunk. I asked him when was the last time I was drunk and he said months ago. He says he is getting a lot of drama from the other girlfriends. I let it drop.

So I get the rude shut down because of other women's behavior? I must admit it left a sour taste in my mouth. He is taking Ms Cherry to his family Thanksgiving out of state. I will always be the bridesmaid and never the bride.

I met with the guy I had a phone with the other night after dropping Prof off. I figured I would be driving by and what was one more hour? The guy was keen to meet.I really enjoyed my time. He is very smart. I found him attractive though we are very close in size ( that is a bit of an issue for me as I am a bit on the tall side ). He was appropriately touchy, I giggled and blushed a lot. We had a bit of a smooch on the way back to cars but he was parked in the opposite direction and it was very chilly. He said a couple of times that he would really like to see me again. I would like to see him too! Can I really do a relationship with someone who is really divorced, not dating multiple people, and who seems to like me? Scary shit. First date and I am way over thinking.

Mr Lime wants to talk tomorrow. I got pissy with him via text a couple of days ago. He was flirting and I ignored it and carried on with a bit of chat. I haven't seen him 5 or 6 weeks. He asked me I saw him flirting and I replied with yes, but I am not flirting with someone who has made no effort to see me in over a month and is waiting for his GF to have a drama meltdown when he goes to stay in the same house with ex and kids over Thanksgiving.

When I first knew him he was going back to the house and sleeping in the same bed with ex! But Ms Whatever her name is...is melting down over a visit and sleeping on the sofa. From the woman living with her "not-husband".

I am so comparatively low key.

My plan is monkey branching. I find it very hard to let go of a toxic relationship but I wish my future to be different. I need to break my habit of finding difficult relationships. I am so attracted to hard work. What would it be like to find easy?

On my many hours in the car today I did a lot of thinking ( over 8 hours ) I have to really do this "open emotion" thing. Mr Exotic ( there, he has a name ) seems to have his shit together. He is divorced, has dated post divorce, has a good job, his own place, good relationship with ex and kid, and he seems to think I am a smart and attractive. It makes me want to run for the hills. My gut emotion is to run from a person who expresses genuine interest and, so far, appears to be pretty balanced. Huge culture clash. Where is the toxic drama that I need to smooth out?

A good therapist. I do recommend a good therapist. I have been working on this for sometime. I want to find non-toxic but a bit quirky.

 

[Atlantis]

Mr Exotic is not much of a texter but he does like chatting on the phone! We had a good talk on Thursday night about dating/relationship goals. He said he is definitely through his post-divorce dating period and is looking to settle down a bit. He says he is open to me being poly/open but he is not looking to multi-date. I didn't mention my poly/open past at all. I am very ready to invest in mono relationship. It might not be with him but it is something I am ready for.

Mr Lime has been very emotional this week. He asked if we could talk, I sent him 3 windows and he didn't call or even suggest other times. So I gave up trying. We texted a bit last night. He seems very down.

I am trying to muster up the enthusiasm to go see Prof. He wants me and the kids to help him clean up the new camper and load it. He asked me to do this BEFORE he told me he was going on a road trip with Ms Cherry. I would actually have tried to get out of it but I can throw the kids in the pool afterwards and it's a lazy way for me to wear them out He asked to come over last night and I said no. I basically couldn't be bothered. It was not all that long ago I would have leapt on any opportunity to see him. My therapist says to help as long as I feel I am not being taken advantage of. Quid pro quo. I will help clean and get tired kids out of it.

 

[Atlantis]

We worked hard! But I do actually enjoy being useful and helpful in practical ways. I really get a feeling of "job mostly well done" and what was achieved was of benefit.

I am likely easily taken advantage of because I like being busy and getting things done. It makes downtime feel more indulgent. But also, I much prefer downtime to be in a clean organized environment.

I will not likely get all my surfaces clear because I have 2 kids and a full-time job. My pre-kid life was very minimalist but I am not looking forward to a post-kid empty-nester lifestyle. My mum tells me about how sad she gets when all the messes are cleared away because it really means the time together is over.

I really want more sex. Mr Exotic has mentioned kinky. My response is that I am not Domme. He indicated that he is not looking for Domme. I "Should" go slower but I don't want to. I would love some kinky sex. I would love some full on bondage smacking kinky-as-fuck sex.

I hate the Captcha thing. Like really hate it.

 

[Atlantis]

So, therapy, yes. Trying to connect to emotions. Very hard. Been working on it for quite a while.
Last week inner me crawled off into an angry black crayon scribble corner ( I have been watching a lot of horror movies ) and very clearly asked why am I letting him ( Prof) do it to crayon scribble me again? I told angry crayon scribble that I will not let him do it again and I will get us out.

There was a conversation in the car with Prof. Basically, I am not allowed to express any emotions because there are 2!!!!! girlfriend people ahead of me that have very out there emotions and he can't take any more. 2??????? I am third in line? It also came out that Ms Cherry is so Primary that his continued denials are ( over-used term ) gaslighting lies.

I called him on it yesterday. I told him to block and delete me as that is his usual response when I dare to ask to be treated as human being. Fingers crossed he will. I just cannot be the one the break things off. I know my family and friends will totally get it an likely applaud me for getting out but I don't want to be known to random people that I have never met as the person who walked out on a sick person.

I will walk away from the promise of funded college educations because I actually heard inner crayon scribble. I can't walk away for me. I walked away from my marriage for the sake of my children.( that took a while, it was not a 2 second decision ) I will walk away from Prof for the inner crayon scribble. I knoooow inner crayon scribble is actually me but I can't walk away as the regular me. I can do it for the little voice that crawled into a corner and told me that I am letting him do it again.

When I went on the date with Mr Exotic Inner Scribble continued the dialogue. "He thinks you are smart ( Yup okay ) He thinks you are beautiful that is really creepy and weird. ( Inner Scribble I think this is fairly normal ) He wants to see you again! Red Flag Red Flag! ( Inner Scribble I think this ok, this is what normal people do ) He touched you! You hate people touching you! ( Inner Scribble I think he is really quite hot. I liked that he touched me ) He wants to talk on the phone and work out when to see you again. He presents as a not utterly damaged human being and is not in need of fixing. Run Run Run! ( Scribble, we agreed we were going to try and do different. This may not work out, but so far it appears to be a genuine case of someone who likes us and IIIIIIIII have used normal range judgment and IIIII think this all ok).

Scribble panic has powered us to get a bunch of house maintenance stuff done. I needed to replace some baseboards for almost 2 years and got it done over the past 2 days. Scribble panic will get the trim painting done.

Mr Exotic may not work out. But I am ok with doing monkey branching and being very single. Inner Scribble is finally being heard. Please do not think I am a terrible person for seeking escape from a horrendously toxic relationship. I am willing to continue the agreed upon transportation. I do think I will be cut-out/cut-off. I also think Prof will try all of the old tricks to suck me back in. But I actually heard Inner Scribble and will do the minimum required to not be not an awful human being.

I predict an exchange of keys and I will utterly say you do not have permission to come to my house for the exchange. We can find a mutually reasonable parking lot. Watch him use his key when I am at work.

 

[SenatorBinks27]

You are not a bad person for seeking to escape a toxic relationship. It's what you need to do for your health. I had to give up seeing my daughter every day in order to do it, but if I had stayed it would have negatively affected us all. I'm behind you.

 

[PinkPig]

You're doing great, Atlantis. It may not feel like it, but I see progress. No one who knows how Prof treats you will think you're horrible for breaking up with him while he's sick. Besides, he has 2 needy, drama queen gfs to keep him busy.

 

[Vicki82]

One step at a time, Atlantis. Take care of you!

 

[Atlantis]

Thank you all for the support. It really does mean a lot. I find it so hard to believe that I am a capable in so many areas but keep falling down over getting away from Prof.

Prof sent me a minimal Happy Thanksgiving text. I waited 6 hours to reply with a similar minimum. I will need to message again to see if he needs transportation. I am on the schedule, but he does have others who are happy to cover.

Monkey branching is going fabulously well. Mr Exotic is a whole lot of fun and so far, seems to be a genuinely nice person who has his shit together as much as any of us can. He has been divorced for years: 8 or 9. Done his rebound playing about and is looking for something committed. He has a good relationship with ex and has his chid to stay regularly. He works out, is a runner.

My therapist says not to go too fast but I am enjoying someone who is keen to see me but also who needs to go home to get stuff done, work out and have some "me" time.

He ended up staying Weds and Thursday night. We made Thanksgiving dinner, had a lot of sex, and half watched The Last Jedi. He is going to come down later today with Indian food.

NRE oozing from every pore. But I don't we are over-doing it too much and it will be back to kid/work reality prep tomorrow.

If even it doesn't work out, I am happy to enjoy the experience for as long as it lasts. There are single people out there who you don't have to coerce to make time for you! Maybe not tons of them in my area, but they are out there.

 

[Valynn]

Take your time and enjoy. You deserve having some, dare I say, NSA happiness? You have been through enough in the past. Go with the flow & see where it takes you. <3

 

[Atlantis]

I struggle to find the words to express my gratitude at the support you all are giving me.

I know I write terrible posts that really need a lot more editing. I type, walk away, and pray the captcha monster won't be too hard when I am able to try to finish and post. I am only giving my side of the story. I am sure Prof has a different version and somewhere in the middle lies the human truth.

I am willing to offer Prof transportation but not much else. I find myself unwilling to volunteer to clean and do grunt work. I find his whole cover-up of the primary relationship to be deceptive and manipulative. I find his knocking me down when I am not even speaking up to be manipulative.

Prof texted me about meeting up tomorrow. The Wednesday that has been held for each other for nearly 7 years. But I have booked in Mr Exotic. Prof has been cancelling Weds for weeks now, with valid reasoning, but Prof has mostly not offered make-up time because he is full booked with Ms Cherry and other stuff. Well, fuck that shit. Prof is now, obviously, per his online calendar, deep into denying any poly/open relationships with his family. I have been open to family and close friends for years. My parents are in their mid 70s and have been accepting. And these are very conservative parents. Prof is choosing whatever path he takes. I feel he is mostly closeted so he can pit females against each other. I maybe way off base and likely shouldn't try to interpret. But there you have it. Toxic sludge relationship.

Mr Exotic is all keen to drive tomorrow and Thursday I will drive to him.

The limits of my schedule are very transparent. Mr Exotic will either be able to cope with them or he will not.

But even if Mr Exotic cannot not, I will not go back to Prof. I do need to find language to tell Prof that Weds night is off the table unless it is transportation. So far I am chicken-shit at avoiding a direct conversation. I am planning on working it out in therapy.

When you see the greener grass it is impossible to go back to dried and withered. I want to be a priority with energy and enthusiasm.

Tied in with all of this, I have applied to adopt a 2 year old cat. I could give my brain more time adjust to life without my 2 cat babies but my brain is not adjusting. I have been trawling pet adoption sites and spotted a fur baby that looks so like my most recently departed cat. Cat is listed as as Siamese. The photos and description utterly label that cat as Burmese. I knoooooow Burmese. Keep your fingers crossed that it works out. I would love another demanding querulous cat baby. Burmese are atrociously demanding and intelligent cats.

 

[Valynn]

I wish you success in adopting your future furbaby. May this cat ease your mourning for your others.

 

[Vicki82]

You deserve to be a priority, Atlantis. I am glad you're standing up for your needs and wants.

Ooh, a Burmese! I have a Russian Blue and she is the most amazing cat.

 

[Atlantis]

Cat the elder was a Burmese so I know what I am letting myself in for! The house is just so quiet when the kids are away and it I think if this one doesn't work out then I really will wait. I did phone the place to-day and the woman hunted down my email application and said she will forward it to the foster family when she has time. It's mostly staffed by volunteers so I will just have to be patient.


I will not be transporting Prof next week due to scheduling conflicts. I suggested next weekend ( I knew he would say no ). At first he said he would be too sick to see me and when I said that is not a problem I am happy to come and look after him; he said he was booked all weekend. Of course he is! Primary relationship and all that.


Mr Exotic is going well. A night here and then a night there. I won't be able to see him until next Weds now and then I'll see him at the weekend because he wants to see me! How about that?

Sex is going great. Reminds me to call the clinic...

 

[Atlantis]

My mum said I am not to be mean and avoid Prof. She pulled the guilt card with style and panache. Argh. I replied to his "can't do next weekend text" with "What about Sunday lunchtime?" Of course he can't do that either. I talked to mum felt guilty, and then offered Tuesday evening for an hour. He said yes.

I do need to tell him that I moved on. I am being almost as bad as him with hiding the truth. Again, even if things don't work out with Mr Exotic I know that there are people out there who will treat me better. Enough of getting Prof's breadcrumbs.

I saw Mr Lime for a bit on Thursday, I had a window of time to kill and went to pick up my make-up bag that has been there a couple of months. I did rather enjoy the salacious details about how things are going with Ms CowGirl. She doesn't want him to see me. Doesn't want to spend NYE with him as she wants to go skiing with this guy she had a thing with and still wants to have a thing with, but just as friends ROFLMA.

Mr Lime says he now sees why I nervous to date a person who hasn't even started divorce proceedings. He thinks he is one of her rebounds and what she really wants is to do a lot of dating and sow her oats. But also not let him see me. Dog in a manager much?

He isn't even really over his not-ex wife yet. He went there for vacation and was very hurt by her clearing stuff out and taking down a lot of the family pics. He still has a long way to go with moving on

 

[Atlantis]

Mr Exotic is worried that I am a risky sex partner because I insist on condoms and have my STD tests booked. Apparently that is indicative of someone who has something to hide and is nervous about passing it on.
I have no words.

There are other red-flags waving in his face about me too. I have my-exbf's engine in the garage. I met with my ex-bf to pick up a forgotten items. I told Mr Exotic where I was. I did not try to lie and cover it up. It was in late afternoon and I met Mr Exotic after. And I invited Roomie ( male ) to Thanksgiving/our second date.

I can see it to be a bit concerning that I have male friends. But Roomie has been my friend since I was pregnant and married! and no way was I going to leave him home alone. Plus, I asked Mr Exotic ahead of time if it would be weird to invite Roomie and feel free to decline and he said to go ahead and invite him.

Oh well. I tried to reach out by phone and sent a non-defensive, firm, and not wishy-washy or apologetic ( look at me standing up for myself ) reply to his text of concerns.

Mr Exotic seems to be saying that he still wants to meet tomorrow but no sex. I said that is fine and I respect his decision to abstain. He might just straight up cancel.

This is toooooooo much drama! It either settles down quick smart or I will be vacating. I just amazed that me being careful is indicative of me being a wild woman! I did reply to him that he should more concerned if I didn't want to use protection. Being safe and responsible is a bad thing?

Prof is coming round tonight. I am trying to work up some some level of enthusiasm but today was really draining. Probably all my STIs sucking my energy. Prof also wanted to leave a motor scooter in my garage. I am guessing as a semi-permanent gift. I declined. I just rid rid of a large item of Mr Dom's out of my garage. Roomie is rehoming it Yeah for friends! Roomie is certainly not going to get kicked to the curb for a 2 week romance.

It is a never ending battle to keep my garage able to fit 2 cars. I am utterly unwilling to be storing crap from Prof's 2 car garage that he cannot get a single car into. I arranged to get some of the furniture out of his garage for him and the mess literally spread like a tide to engulf the empty spaces. I donate, recycle, rearrange and still get all my stuff in mine. I also have to store all 3 garbage cans in it. I can't leave them outside the front and I have no access to my yard unless the cans go up the stairs and through the house and out the back. Yeah no. I am keeping that space clear for the potential loaner car. Quit buying shit you can't store!

 

[Atlantis]

I haaaate Captcha!!!!!!!!!
My post got eaten. Short version...

Mr Exotic is worried that I am a risky sex partner because I insist on condoms and have my STI tests booked. Apparently that is indicative of someone who has something to hide and are nervous about passing it on.
I have no words.

I responded with "Being safe and responsible is a bad thing?" Among other things; he also queried my relationship with Roomie ( I invited Roomie for Thanksgiving but did check with Mr Exotic first and gave him the option to decline, Rooime had his kids so didn't come ) Queried that I have an engine from my ex-bf in my garage. ( Mr Lime took care of my house and sick cats for almost 3 weeks, yes he gets 2 years free engine storage ) Queried getting a left item from Mr Lime in the late afternoon and then meeting Mr Exoitc after. I told him upfront what I was doing and in no way tried to lie or cover it up. Anyway, all this seem to equals I have a myriad of untreated STIs and that why I want us to get tested before going bareback.

I think I did well with my text replies ( I did try to phone call ) I was clear, acknowledged how things might look to him but being safe is better than being reckless.

If this scares him off then all well and good.

So I literally just got a text saying he is cancelling this week and taking time for himself.

You know what? Good for me for not be willing to go condom free till the tests are done. I am still going to go ahead with my tests.

And yes, my therapist was right. Go slooooow before sex. This was my test. I went against her advice. Maybe my approach had errors but bottom line is he isn't willing to get tests but asked not to use condoms. I should just trust he has picked good partners in the past and is not a risk. Yeah, no.

Look at me! I had adult male boundaries and held them!

I like great sex. If being a very active and interested sex partner and asking for tests is worse than being a passive sex partner who bats their eyelashes and says they are "clean", well, no. I was willing to commit to an exclusive relationship with him. But in no way I am not going to settle for a less than very active sex life. I want kinky sex! Go ahead and judge me. Kinky must absolutely equal a huge number of random hook ups. NOT. And what if people do want a bunch of hook-ups! Go at it! I am not going to fake being less than interested in sex and I cannot fake any interest in laying there quietly. Pah.

This is dating. Working out that you are not a match. Deciding that going protection free requires open discussion.

So I read his message. WhatsApp will show I did.

 

[PinkPig]

Wow, Atlantis. I'm sorry Mr. Exotic is showing his ass. Good for you enforcing your boundaries, though.