Sailing Solo

So you have this person who frequently/mostly treats you like shit but they pop up with grand gestures along the lines of " I will pay for a house for you" and lawyers fees and trips to here there and everywhere. But mostly they treat you like shit. Eventually, you understand that they do treat you like shit and you moderate your responses to go with the good times and ignore the bad.

Then the shit hits the fan. They ask you to be all the things you normally are. Willing, supportive, able and capable. This is not outside your normal realm of being. These things I can willingly and ably do. But you are ware that this person has mostly treated you like a disposable rag. But being the human being that you are, you cannot say no.

Well, no. Well, yes.

Is now the time to finally have boundaries?

Now I realize the only way I will get out of this is with " terminal".

I have all the skills and self-supporting strategies and balls in play that I could have been out of it a long time ago. But I held on. This utter grim determination of never giving up.

I am sharing with people that I should have walked away a long time ago but now I am pulled back in as a support person. My people are saying that is ok is to walk away and also to offer a restricted amount of support.

I don't want "People" to look at me and think what an awful person I am to say no. But what people? He has never included me into the inner family and friends circle. But apparently I am that inner support circle. Old faithful and old reliable.

This is sooo hard. I am not primary. I never have been. But now I am wished to step up to" under-primary". To coordinate and behave as primary but yet be under the primary public radar. Primary is already struggling with the demands.

I want my own Primary. I want to have someone there. My friend asked me if the tables were turned, would Prof be there for me? The answer is NO. He would maybe throw $$$$$ at me. But he would not "be there".

As a basic human being, I cannot not support. But is very hard is very hard know that if I were in the same position I would not warrant the same concern.
 
I think it is OK to have boundaries even now. Prof's "Primary" must have some boundaries, she has to sleep and eat for instance. Same goes for anyone else involved with his care. Take only as much of a role as you can square with your feelings. He can throw $$$ at a professional care giver.

Leetah
 
Thank you Leetah. I agree with all you said and am holding boundaries.

It is very hard to write and not give up too many identifying details.

Prof has become this emotionally vulnerable and far more open person. He states that he will need more than one person to support. He says Ms Cherry is trying to take over everything but he is not willing to let her. He says that she cannot do it all to the point where others give up trying to help and walk away.

I see Ms Cherry is coming from a place of caring of love, and virtually, the only comment I have on the situation is that she is coming from a place of caring and love. Prof is not having any of it. He wants her to have boundaries. But that is not my job. I am willing to support, but also quite able to back far and away and melt away into the horizon.

We spent 3 nights together but during the day I went to work and came home to keep up on family, friends and the stuffness of life. I call it "quality time apart." I told him I can drop most of it if he needs me but otherwise I have stuff that I need to and want to do.It worked out well. He likes cooking. I "make" food. He cooked and I repayed by doing grunt work. I got fed very well. He got clean and a bit more organized.

I am having to let my second and older cat go. I will phone tomorrow and make the appointment, My BFF will do the very last moments because I cannot. I do not regret not doing the last seconds with my other cat. I just couldn't. I was there up till the very last moments. But the last moments, my heart spirit, soul whatever you call it, could not do. I need to keep the memories and thoughts of a living being. I cannot do open casket. That is not the image that I wish to hold and I think that the living being that I knew would not require that of me. It does not matter if that living being is human or animal. Because they are all the same to me. I wish to hold the memories of life and all the wonderful passion that they gave to me.
 
Mr Lime said he wanted to come to the cat thing but has something on the calendar that has been there for a while. I told him I wasn't expecting him come. I tried to get out of him if he was mentally planning to just come for an hour and leave or actually spend time. He skipped around answering. Whatevvvvva. I only let him know to be polite as he cat sat for 2 weeks over the summer. I had no expectation of him coming to visit. It hurt for about 20 seconds that he has calendar plans but can't make any with me. Bottom line is he doesn't want to see me. I don't want to see someone who had to have their arm twisted. Neutral is good.

I had a phone talk with an OLD prospect last night. He was very straight up with his filtering questions which I appreciated. I do have a reluctance to be very forthright with people I don't know. He lives a plane ride away. When we matched online it was because he was visiting this area for work. I did point this out and he said he would make it work and get back to me with a plan to meet. We did a little text chatting today but he is not much of a texter. He is a good talker though :)
 
After receiving some information about Prof's schedule it would appear I am relegated to Ubering again. Maybe there will be more weekend time but..whatever.

I didn't bother to contact Mr Lime today. Ugh...whatever.

I am chatting with a second OLD person.

I do think I am will do monogamy next time round. Maybe serial monogamy will be my style. I am not enough of a queen bee type to hold my ground against more determined types. The Prof situation makes me want to have a person who likes me and who I like back with energy and enthusiasm.

I have to get my cat go and I a so very fortunate to have my friend and certainly other friends who are willing to help.
 
My first baby is ready to go. I have a chair at the end of my bed and it has a ramp to the floor. This is where she has lived for the past multiple years. Even when the arthritis is bad, she gets up on the bed for reading time and goes back her spot when reading is over. She has been waking me up in the middle of the night for years with meowing and complaining about what currently she is pissed off about. Well, that has all stopped. The most awful thing is she has not been doing reading time for the past number of days. Tomorrow would be better but Thursday is time enough. There all kinds of other things, but I do not wish to list them. The sum of it all that is her time. I have to respect that. I don't want to. But neither do I wish her to expire from dehydration and starvation. If it was me, I would want to be let go.

I have made it to late 40s with most of my family intact. But I am getting to that point in life where funerals will become the norm. I wish to never outlive my human children.

I speak to my mum and my older friends who are constantly dealing with death and loss. They seem to be accepting, sad for a time, but they keep trucking on. For this week, I will allow the emotions again because I cannot stop them.

Outside of my direct family, this animal is the individual that I have had the longest chosen relationship with. This "animal" has done my life for almost 19 years. She is not an "animal" she is my baby when I thought I would never have human babies. She has always been obnoxious and demanding. I do eeeeevvveerrrything to make her happy. I am the only human being that she tolerates. Because all other animals and humans she treats with cat disdain.

I have men people come and go, jobs come and go, continents come and go, but this cat being has remained the same. Difficult and demanding. And yes, I see the parallel to my life in general. I do difficult and demanding.

So this weekend needs to be the start of different. No more selecting difficult and demanding relationships.
 
I'm so sorry to hear about your cat, Atlantis. My thoughts are with you.
 
I'm sorry about your cat, too, Atlantis :( You have so much on your plate right now. ((Hugs))
 
Cat and me are having a decent last night. She loves being brushed, so we did that and watched tv until she wanted to go back to bed. She will look loved and well cared for tomorrow. Because she is.

I talked to Prof. His online calendar has turned into a bit of a shit pit. Wednesday nights were put up as being up for grabs and someone signed up for all of them before I had chance to look. He said he will fix it. I said leave it. He said he will fix it.

I really don't mind. If he has people that want to care then that is all well and good.

Right now is a time for slow change.

Thank you all for your support. I am doing a mixture of reaching out and self-soothing. I am losing my second baby in just over 3 months. My baby is very old. I am going from borderline crazy cat lady status to no mammals. It is too late to call anyone. time to be ok with tears and do the self-sooth.
 
I'm so sorry for your losses. I just caught up on your blog. I'm also sorry about Prof, but I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself. You have my solidarity.
There's a lot of people here who care, and we all send our virtual hugs.
 
I know all your user names and I read all your stories and news. It really means a lot that you are posting kind words. My friends and sister have been amazing. My mum is the person she is. My dad tries to be understanding.

I hid in my closet last night and cried on the phone with Mr Lime. I was avoiding speaking to him, but it was good for me to lose it.

I am trying to move stuff and change things up so my eyes don't check the places there should be a cat. I am barely getting over the loss of the first one. To lose both so close in time is a challenge.

I am getting rid of everything. I checked with my kids and they say they are fine and I do believe they are. I think I did a good parenting job with explaining and preparing them. But the cats were mine long before the kids arrived and the job of taking care of the cats has always mostly been mine. I need to retrain my brain that things are different.

It is amazing how much more space there is with various pieces moved out. I am donating and passing on all the cat stuff. I don't think I will do it again. Almost 19 years of committed daily relationship and care. Like wow.

I am likely getting Mr Dom's dog for a while. It could be a few months, it could be a couple of years. It always takes a few weeks to re-adjust once the dog is returned.

I need to find a new project. I am so utterly not willing to make it my job. I bumped into 2 people from my previous job last weekend. They both said they were amazed at the amount I worked and are glad I had made the change. Reality check moment. I feel I am utterly lazy at my "new" job but I got recognition recently for "going above and beyond". I was thinking to myself that I do the bare minimum and someone will notice and fire my ass. My idea of bare minimum is actually full-time involved and up to date and utterly competent but I know I could do more.

On-line dating. It is hilarious. 2 of my chatters have disappeared. I am getting heart and hug filled emoji texts from someone whom I have never met, the dude a plane flight away. I googled him, he told me to, to show he is real. He was a pro-athlete. He made the professional grade and made pro-money. 000.1% make it. WTF? My therapist says he has created me to be imaginary girlfriend and I need to be very careful how I engage with him. It is very hard not to be imaginary girlfriend. I can twist and pretzel into all sorts of human being. But how can I not engage with this experience? Like really? I have worked out how to get to him to engage in text conversation beyond heart emojis and emoji hugs and he says he will phone talk tomorrow. I know I shouldn't. But I can't resist the distraction.
 
I just finished bingeing your blog. I am sorry for your loss & commiserate your pain. My furbaby, Jessicat is going to be 15 in March and I worry about her everyday
 
HI Valynn, What a cute cat name! :):):)

Have you thought about prescription kidney food yet? It's not a whole lot more expensive. I wish I'd know about changing their diet before the damage was done.

And well done on reading all my blog! I suppose that is what long weekends are good for :D


The kids and I did a good job of cleaning up, gifting, and re-arranging today. My brain is certainly going to take a while to adjust. It's the worst upstairs. Older cat had moved entirely upstairs so it is more apparent that things are different.

We would have done more cleaning but my vacuum started smelling of burning and then black smoke drifted up. I have been wanting a new vacuum for a while but couldn't justify it as the old one kept chugging along. It is now a need to get a new one. :D Lots of sales this weekend so I should be able to find a bargain.

I checked Prof's calendar and I have been cleared off virtually everything until mid-December. He sent me a text saying he didn't want me take any more time off work so changed it all up.

The time I was taking wasn't coming off my holiday or sick leave and he knows that. It was quite nice having 4 day work weeks scheduled! I sent him the dates of my next kid free nights. I really am not putting much more effort into this.

Next project is painting, again :rolleyes: One of my kids got into peeling strips of paint off the bathroom door where the cats had scratched. I can see it would be quite satisfying to peel when you are sitting with not much else to do ;) Also, the gym. I will be having Prof free weeknights so should be able to fit in a week-night more often.
 
HI Valynn, What a cute cat name! :):):)

Have you thought about prescription kidney food yet? It's not a whole lot more expensive. I wish I'd know about changing their diet before the damage was done.
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She's actually Dexus' cat, I got her for his 8th birthday. She was with her male litter mate. The shelter named them Jessie & James. For the old time western bank robber/gunslinger. Not the Pokemon villains. LOL

She dropped alot of weight just when Dexus went into the Navy, dropping from 15 to 7 pounds. In a panic I raced her to the vet. She was diagnosed with a hyperthyroid, a slight heart murmur & the beginnings of kidney disease as well as arthritis. All due to her age. She is on meds for her thyroid & the expensive special wet cat food for the past 2 years & her weight has stabilized at 8 & 1/2 lbs.

And well done on reading all my blog! I suppose that is what long weekends are good for :D
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I decided to read a blog that resonated with me. You & I have a very similar outlook on life. Being an ambivert personally, makes living with others difficult. I wish you well in the future with your most recent relationship transition.
 
Do I present as ambivalent?
Arrgh. I have been working on neutral with romantic relationships. For all else I have deep caring and love.
I am therapying the heck out of myself as to why I choose these utterly unsuccessful romantic relationships. It mostly seems that I pick unobtainable and emotionally distant people, then I try to fix it. I am, by nature, a solution finder. That is one of my few gifts in life. I am very good at finding solutions.

I am utterly attracted to adult relationships that are very hard work and require emotional and logical responses. I want to "fix it".

Based on my therapy suggestion of going neutral. I have gone very neutral with Prof. I am no longer suggesting, I am waiting for requests. The response to this has been eye-opening. " Can you, will you?"

I quit Prof's online calendar. He texted, he explained, I am "meh". "Sure, mid-December is fine." He comes back with A,B,C,D,E and G. I am willing to do it because I said I would do it. But outside of specific requests, I am "meh". Ms Cherry and he are dictating the calendar. I am scum option G. Well, I committed to be scum option G. I plan to go through with being option G/Z. But I am in no way delusional that he is keeping me around as not much more than support in time of crisis.

He enjoys my chitty chatty optimism and general state of fun and enjoyment of life. But he endlessly chooses intense drama. He chose Ms Cherry as Primary. He and she dictate. He says he doesn't want her to be "Queen Bee" but as the past years have shown that he goes with the demanding Queen Bee.

Mr Lime has chosen "Queen Bee" but also likes my chitty chatty optimism. Mr Lime is/was a depressing human being to be around.

I have found myself a new unobtainable romantic adult human person. Mr Fit ( the athlete person, I have given him a name). He has youtube postings of his damage. I know I should not. I really know I should not.

My therapist says I should aim for "quirky" and steer clear from damaged. But do not the deeply damaged attract?

I have been watching a certain Netlix series. It reflects my life. I watch it and I laugh and cry. When I say cry, I mean deep down wrenching cry. I was there! I saw all of this! I LIVED this. This is the human being I am. It is awful. I look at it and see that I have PTSD while laughing. I told Prof we cannot watch it together anymore because I am the product of one side of this life.

So I pick the damaged because I am damaged but I try for the better parts of being human.

Can you get to this age without being all the life experiences that you have had? I think "no". I see that by this age you cannot be different without tremendous effort. I see that the younglings are formed so young. Be kind to your younglings. Tell them your version of being kind. Show them compassion and empathy. Do not tell them so much as show them.
 
Yeah, so me and the kids binge watched the middle parts of Star Wars over the long weekend. The Annakin/Natalie Portman movies. I fought long and hard but eventually bought all 3 for cheap of eBay. Freaking Disney pulling them off online to rent. Like I would pay $19.99 to own The Phantom Menace. I got 4 Star Wars movies DvDs for $10. I think they are most awful with a few excellent scenes. Child the Elder wanted to watch the General Grievous battle scene which I do think is brilliant but involved an awful lot of crap viewing to get to that point.
TLDR: hence the youngling references. Annakin massacring the younglings/padawans. Very hard to watch.

Prof wanted to hang out tonight. Yeah no. Tons of kid homework and I NEEEEEEED to watch The Flash. I got the evening set up so we can squeeze in 2 episodes.:D:D:D:D. I was showered and in my jammies before 6pm. :D:D:D

Cat stuff is hard. I am so used to being woken up around 2-3am by a complaining cat. I woke up at 3am in a panic thinking I hadn't checked the water bowl. The water bowl is/was a huge cooking glassware dish. Whisker fatigue and all that. I could have dropped dead and work and it would be fine for a week.

Mr Fit is cute and unobtainable. Soooooo very attractive.
 
I usually don't butt in on others' blogs, but given my overall aesthetic here I guess you can understand why I had to say something.

First of all, I have been reading your stories, and I offer my sincere condolences to you for all the hardships you've been going through. I know what it's like to lose such a close companion (fuzzy), I know what it's like to always want to "take in strays" (not fuzzy) as it was put to me a long time ago. I really hope things start to improve and you find the balance you're looking for.

Okay, so...art is subjective, different people have different tastes and I not only respect but cherish that. But I had to jump in with at least a minor defense of my babies because they are so often misunderstood and maligned in the public discourse. It should probably come as a surprise to no one, but Phantom Menace is my favorite motion picture of all time and it means a lot to me, and I love Clones and Sith as well. They have their flaws, some more glaring than others, but I feel the same way about IV-VI (the "original trilogy" for those keeping score) and I love the "Lucas 6" Star Wars movies more than most things. I actually prefer the characters and storyline in I-III if I had to choose but I love the whole story (the Disney stuff is well-made and has their moments, but like all non-Lucas SW stuff they kind of miss the point and feel...off to me).

There is a lot, a lot a lot, going on under the surface of I-III. And I think a lot of people just don't get it for one reason or another. I'd say it's because people can't get past the silliness, but IV-VI were 100% just as silly and they trancended.

I could, and have many times, gone over the value of these films, why I love them, and why I think more people should too, but I will not filibuster here for it because that would be rude to you, Atlantis. I'm always happy to privately discourse with anyone interested in long, passionate ramblings about silly space movies, but otherwise please return to your regularly scheduled programming ;)

Once again, Atlantis, I like many here feel for what you're going through and am here for whatever support I can give. :)
 
Senator Binks.
Art is indeed very subjective. I am glad you enjoy them! I did have a good time watching with the kids though admittedly I had to give up on Phantom Menace and went to bed at 8pm :D:D I mostly do not enjoy child actors and I do not enjoy virtually any scene with moody teen Annakin either. Same as when Luke is being whiny. I absolutely love the political intrigue, space battles and light sabers though. I am a sci-fi and hard science person. Can't wait for the next season of The Expanse and I think I have read them all but the last 2. Team Amos here :)

How is this for a turn-up for the books? I am avoiding Prof. I turned down an invite for a thing this afternoon and did not share that I have Sunday night without kids.

I have attended my religious and spiritual events with respectfulness and good manners all over the planet. But I am not willing to be expected to suddenly "believe" and "embrace" this type of activity. I have said no, already. Very clear statements of this is not my thing, you go ahead, but this is not my thing.

The texts I am receiving from keep crossing that line. I see I didn't write about last week with Prof. I saw him about 1.5 hours after letting my baby go. Without going in too many details; he is obviously looking at what happens after death and I had to say...this is too soon for me. I am not willing to not talk about my cat/s from this point forward.

Then came the texts. I wish I could put it down to strong prescription drugs but I was :eek::eek::eek: I showed my therapist. She was in agreement it was pretty out there, likely due to-end-of-life thoughts, and I should just say no. I really feel I can't put it out into the blogosphere but we are not talking light a candle or herbs and sending out positive vibes to whatever flying spaghetti monster you believe in. I would totally participate in that if that was what was requested. Hell, I might even drop peyote and sit in a sweat hut. But this was waaaaay beyond what I am willing to smile and nod through.

He wants to tell me all his exciting news in person. So, I am resorting to my preferred tactic of avoid difficult adult issues and basically hide. I tried to give him out for meeting next week but he came up with a viable work-around. Dammit.

I knoooooooow I need to be firmer but it took me a year to finally speak to my chiity chatty office mate and get them to stop talking to me. Who, by the way, basically refuses to say anything to me at all. Mostly good, but occasionally awkward.

I am dreading seeing him! It sounds very dramatic but I really don't want to. I think I can make it work that contact is limited until this phase calms down.

I have been doing lot of therapy work on how I ignore my " yucky gut" feelings and just push on through. I can put up with more than I imagine most people can. But this? This is a "no". I have said "no". He keeps trying.

I need to grow a bigger pair. Funny what few boundaries I have. But this one has been firm for years. I will participate in all kinds of care, all kinds likely fucked up relationship messes, all kinds of other stuff I will not admit to in public, but I will not take on religion/spirituality. Go do your thing, and I will meet you at the other side, and we can do what we usually do. But do not expect me to actually have your revelations and suddenly convert to your religious/spiritual way of thinking. I have been clear on this for years.

I have a few basic beliefs of trying to make other people's days a little less shitty. That is mostly it. I try to be my idea of "kind". I have seen my idea of idea of "kind" is mostly the same around the planet. Do not copy/paste Mirriam Webster's definition of kind. I just try to not make your average person's day more crap and maybe improve it a little. I hope it is a lot, but a little is fine.

I am adjusting to life with no fur babies. I wake up in the middle of the night in a panic about the water dish ( gigantic bowl ) not having water. My first thought walking in the door is to go check on fur baby. I wake up at 2-3am expecting to hear cat complaining. I know it will pass. My BFF still leaves the light on for one her dogs. I will likely never fully close my bedroom door for the full night. I think you never do when you have children.

Things change and life mostly moves on. You fill the gaps. There will be moments of " Oh shit, I need to..." and then you realize that you haven't needed to for a long time. I am a little over one week in; I accept it will take time.

I am trying to use more comma splices because I over use commas. I love me a comma.

OLD: Still chatting to Mr Fit. I am utterly willing to take a flight somewhere to meet someone totally inappropriate because I want to get on a plane and be somewhere different. I doooooo looooooove traveling.

I am so ready to up-stakes and shift continents. Sigh. It's not going to happen anytime soon.
 
I did try to edit my previous post for errors but the time out/captcha monster got me.
Please excuse.
 
Atlantis said:
I have attended my religious and spiritual events with respectfulness and good manners all over the planet. But I am not willing to be expected to suddenly "believe" and "embrace" this type of activity. I have said no, already. Very clear statements of this is not my thing, you go ahead, but this is not my thing.
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Wait...What?!
You just put your cat down (my condolences >sad<) and someone is trying to use this for some sort of "conversion" opportunity?:mad:

Atlantis said:
The texts I am receiving from keep crossing that line. I see I didn't write about last week with Prof. I saw him about 1.5 hours after letting my baby go. Without going in too many details; he is obviously looking at what happens after death and I had to say...this is too soon for me. I am not willing to not talk about my cat/s from this point forward.
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I am a little flabbergasted. I am trying to imagine WTF this person is saying that is SOOOO off the beaten trail....(Someday, years from now, I would be so curious to hear the "too many details" - because I am lost.

Atlantis said:
Then came the texts. I wish I could put it down to strong prescription drugs but I was :eek::eek::eek: I showed my therapist. She was in agreement it was pretty out there, likely due to-end-of-life thoughts, and I should just say no. I really feel I can't put it out into the blogosphere but we are not talking light a candle or herbs and sending out positive vibes to whatever flying spaghetti monster you believe in. I would totally participate in that if that was what was requested. Hell, I might even drop peyote and sit in a sweat hut. But this was waaaaay beyond what I am willing to smile and nod through.
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OMG, what could possibly be this awful? I mean, I agree: candles, herbs, FSM, definitely (would do)peyote - weird but fine - but, wait, this was YOUR cat right? (OK, Dexus' cat but NOT Prof's cat...)

Atlantis said:
..., but I will not take on religion/spirituality. Go do your thing, and I will meet you at the other side, and we can do what we usually do. But do not expect me to actually have your revelations and suddenly convert to your religious/spiritual way of thinking. I have been clear on this for years.
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I don't understand how otherwise rational people can subscribe to the "magical sky-wizard" idea - but I don't know that anyone has seriously tried to covert me since college (it was the Mormon's - you got a free Book of Mormon if you gave them your dorm address - I like free stuff!)

Atlantis said:
I have a few basic beliefs of trying to make other people's days a little less shitty. That is mostly it. I try to be my idea of "kind". I have seen my idea of idea of "kind" is mostly the same around the planet. Do not copy/paste Mirriam Webster's definition of kind. I just try to not make your average person's day more crap and maybe improve it a little. I hope it is a lot, but a little is fine.
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Yup, good plan, I like it! If you can, make the world a little better of a place, if you can't, then try not to make it any worse. (A nicer version of Heinlein's definition of sin = "hurting other people unnecessarily")
 
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