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Vicki82

Member
That is beyond appalling. He genuinely believes the person who wants to be safe is higher risk? WTF.

That really sucks but it's so awesome you kept firm on your boundaries!
 

Atlantis

Active member
I have, of course, been second guessing how I presented myself, how I asked for STI testing. But I am pretty sure he asked not to use condoms and that is what brought the topic of testing up. I said I was willing to go condom free after testing and then enthusiastically went ahead with finding affordable options for me ( my insurance won't cover unless for diagnosis) and he said he would check his insurance. Then I found an affordable option, Planned Parenthood has upped their prices ( according to a few interwebz searches as a result of cuts to their funding, thank you Oh Great Orange Cheeto ) to something in the area of $400. Yeah no. I found a $40 option and booked my appointment.

I have done a lot of interwebz searching on the topic and of course you wonderful poly people would be behind testing, I asked my therapist who said "yes" and interwebz feedback is..." if they refuse then say no" So I feel good about it. Maybe the conversations weren't exactly correct but... even if I was super irresponsible about sex before isn't asking for testing showing responsibility?

I am ok with never hearing from him again. But I am still going with ahead with my cheap and accessible testing option. It's has been a couple of years since anything more than annual HIV and a few sneaked in tests for the big 4. Female doctor's appear more willing to pull a bit of medical coding shenanigans so I got that done. But I want a full panel. Mostly it is because I put in the time and effort into finding options and actually booking and working out the schedule to make it happen. I am not going to let all that time go to waste!

I will give Mr Exotic a week and then delete. I am a nervous blocker as I have accidentally called 2 people while trying to block them. Freaking teeny tiny buttons on a phone and mostly an incompetent phone user. :D

I am seeing Prof tomorrow night. I have really definitely giving up on the romantic side of things but am willing to take care of and support.

My previous post got eaten by the time out Cpatcha monster but Prof wanted to gift me a rather expensive item this week that would take up space in my garage. I said no. I am not accepting any more expensive gifts as bribery for him being a crap romantic partner.

It was quite hilarious to me when he offered. What an utter repeat of behaviors. He treats me poorly, I call him out on it, and then something expensive is offered for forgiveness. Admission, if it was plane tickets I might have softened up. But it was stuff. An expensive item that would require money to upkeep. So no. Plus, I know he is trying to offload his stuff. I helped him offload a ton of stuff but I am not willing to store it or accept it as a gift. My garage can still fit 2 cars. Do you know how much work that takes??????

I deleted my online profiles for Mr Exotic. Big regret. I was concerned that I might mess up with what I thought was "hidden" or "on a break" so I deleted. If Mr Exotic doesn't come back with some apologetic testing booked line then I will remake my OLD and get back out there! And this time I will go slowly and screw the people who can't do a bit of old fashioned slow dating.
 

fuchka

Member
I'll add my voice to the "good on you for sticking to your sexual health boundaries" chorus. I'm amazed at how many people accuse someone else of something that seems more relevant a criticism of themselves. Mr Exotic's take on this comes across as the risky option to me. It's not even a "pot kettle black" scenario, more like a squirrel telling a mountain to stop moving around so much.

$400 for STI testing at Planned Parenthood, ughhhh. The funding cuts are so horrible. Glad you found an affordable option, though! Go you! And good luck with the slow dating going forward :)
 
I hate when people call him that. I hate the association. Cheetos are delicious and good. Then again there are so few things one can compare him to without the other thing looking better in comparison.

I'm going to give you the seven words everyone wants to hear, and I mean them sincerely: You Are Already Doing The Right Thing. ^_^
 

Atlantis

Active member
Previous 2 posts got eaten by the timeout/captcha monster. So short version.

Mr Exotic officially dumped me tonight.
I got love-bombed a bit, but I enjoyed it. The total lack of willingness to STI test. yet I am the weird and out there person was concerning. This is what OLD is. I had fun for a couple weeks. Learned a few things about myself.

What I did not do; he asked for a week of time and I didn't send a single message or try to call.

He asked me if I wanted to pick up some items that I left there. Some little chocolate things to hang on the tree and some alcohol in the same " I am taking another direction " text. I replied with a brief. "No thanks. All the best."

In fact, after a week, I was done with someone whose communication style is not to communicate.
 

PinkPig

Active member
Ugh. What a jerk! I'm glad you found out sooner rather than later. Online dating is frustrating, lol.
 

Atlantis

Active member
This STI/STD thing is nuts!

I met Mr Tulip for a drink tonight, he asked me for some professional input, so I met him. The conversation progressed to dating etc and I told him about Mr Exotic and the what happened over STI testing. He said he found my instance on condoms to be weird and also thought I had some disease that I was trying to protect him from. He said people our age ( women ) that he has encountered really don't care about condom use and STI testing. All it takes is 2 weeks weeks of dating then a bit of a conversation then condoms off!

Eye opening!

So, I do come across as very strange and weird in that area.

However, like WOW! 2 weaksish, a chat, and then all is good????????

No wonder Mr Exotic thought I was out there. I am really blown away by this but yet not. The expectation does seem to be a bit of condom sex and then a chat to asses risk and then go for it.

Ugh...no.

Mr Tulip said he heard syphilis is treated with 3 days of antibiotics. Ummmmmm, please read up on antibiotic resistant syphilis.

Yes, have a conversation based on up to date testing. Yes, understand what you are willing to be exposed to and what you are not. Yes, know the treatment options for various STIs. But no, do not think 2 weeks of dating and a chat have it all covered.

From this, I learn that my approach needs to be clearer. Outline why this is important to me. Have these discussions before naked happens. Sloooooow dating. Or date people in the medical field who have no doubts or questions about why precautions are good.

I am utterly convinced that being weird in this area is justified.

My recent conversations about dating and no protection... Wow. No. I am not willing to do that.
 

PinkPig

Active member
Sadly, dating someone in the medical field isn't a guarantee either. I think it's the fringe populace that tend to be more likely to want testing. MY son says there's still even quite a few gay men who don't insist on condoms or testing, especially now that PREP is available for HIV prevention. Though in general, the 20 something gay men tend to test and use condoms much more than the other populations.

Crazy that risky behavior is normalized and those that are proactive are considered high risk :confused:
 

MeeraReed

Active member
So, I do come across as very strange and weird in that area.

NOOOOO! You are not strange and weird about condoms & testing. You are a normal nonmonogamous person! The guys you are dating are being weird about it.

Monogamous (mainstream/traditional) views of dating are weird and strange. It's like, people think condoms are only for one-night stands and that the goal of dating is to immediately be able to not use condoms.

What is the age range of these guys? They sound super un-informed and out of touch.

Even doctors can be weird. My partner gets snide comments about "when is he going to settle down" when he asks for routine STI screening.

That reminds me: time for my annual donation to Planned Parenthood.
 

fuchka

Member
This is a really good topic.

I wonder whether there's a poly (or maybe non-monogamous) bubble around this issue?

I've had weird reactions from doctors too. Including my GP (who I otherwise liked) who told me that I shouldn't need to get tested unless I was having sex with people I didn't trust. Which was an interesting. His view was that - if you need to get tested, you're doing sex wrong. Or rather, you were having sex that was too risky (by definition). I sort of saw his logic but risk is a continuum. For me, testing was a safety precaution, like condom use, which enabled me to make riskier decisions re my sex life, i.e. be non-monogamous.

Atlantis - from your experience, it sounds like this might be a minority view even among non-monogamous folk? I'm really surprised!

I've only had one sexual partner who I've had issues with. Not really an issue but a different view. This was a casual sex partner. I insisted on condoms. He said "I won't cum inside you". I said condoms weren't just protection against getting pregnant (!) I mentioned STIs, said it was something I needed or no sex. So we used condoms. It freaked me out a bit that he was probably having unprotected sex with other people without caring about STIs.

That said, I've never used protection with women, which I know is a limit for other people. I enjoy giving barrier free oral, with women. It's been a while since a new partner on that front, though I think I would probably do more research now and reconsider my boundaries on that one if I planned any further encounters. Cos I admit it might be a hypocritical position.
 

Atlantis

Active member
I have been reading over your replies and having a good think.

Maybe testing does look like a red flag to the monogamy crew? My sample of men who thought it was a red flag is only 2, so not much of a data set :)

Mr Dom and Mr Lime both got tested with no issue.

I am moving away from poly/open. It appears around here that there is a lot of "open" but not much "poly". As in, lots of partners is fine but don't expect a relationship out of it.

We adopted 2 cats at the weekend. A bonded male pair. They have a bit of a history, about 3 years old, and were in the shelter for 3 weeks under a year. The staff were crying and we got a huge send off. I suppose after almost a year they had given up hope of them getting a patient home.

The boys are very shy but after only 2 days are coming out from under the bed and one got a good brush yesterday. I knew they were shy and getting them comfortable was going to take a long time. They don't seem very nervous, if that makes sense. More like they are watching and waiting to see how things work out.

The listing description said "domestic long-hair". One of the shelter volunteers said they are mostly Maine Coon. "Ah Maine Coon, I know that equals fluffy tail." They have fluffy tails so, check! I googled Maine Coon last night. Bit of an eye opener. They have likely not finished growing yet!

I tried to attach a pic of what one of them looks like. Black and Rust. The other one is much blacker with smaller patches of rust on his ruff.

Link doesn't seem to work.

https://www.petmoo.com/cats/maine-coon/

Third cat down.
 

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Vicki82

Member
Aww, congrats on the new kitties!
 

Atlantis

Active member
Apparently daring to say your cat has a bit of Maine Coon in them will bring out the pedigree folk...

I googled the Maine Coon sub-reddit and these people are pretty rabid about there not being many Maine Coon mixes as breeders are very particular about not letting their cats breed with non-Maines. Very interesting. Of course my boys are hiding so I can't check them out :) I am very happy with them being 2 domestic long-hairs ( and not growing to the size of small ponies :) That is what I thought was I getting. The Maine Coon part is just interesting.
 

Atlantis

Active member
One of them peed on me in bed last night. It was not at all kinky ;)

I thought he was coming up close to cuddle :eek: I have 2 mattress pad thingies on the bed so it didn't get close to the mattress. The whole duvet, sheets and covers had to go in the wash a little after 4am.

I got a Feliway diffuser to see if that will help. They have a record of this behavior in their last home but not at the shelter. I have 2 cat boxes and will get a 3rd.

I am messaging a few people on OKC. Have a couple of phone calls maybe on the 26th. Bad time of year for OLD.
 

Noyse

Member
Awesome! Me and my nesting partner are going to shelters looking for a couple cats now. I've been talking about getting a bonded pair, but might settle for two cats that can stand each other. Please keep us updated on the kitties :)
 

Atlantis

Active member
Noyse: Best of luck with your search! I did spend a couple of weeks looking.

I have puppy pads under the loose kid-proofing covers on the sofa which made it all easy this morning.

I spoke with an OLD person this morning and we are meeting for lunch on Sunday. I usually much prefer to meet for a walk but the weather is behaving likes it winter so no to that idea.

Xmas was very nice. Did the presents then dropped the kids off to their dad and went to see The Rise Of Skywalker. It was much better than I expected.

Mr Tulip came over for a bit in the evening. I have been trying to avoid him but he actually picked up the phone so I agreed to a visit and I told him platonic only. At one point he did ask for a platonic cuddle under the blanket and I said no. He also asked why I wasn't interested in dating him. I said he is looking for sugar mamma and I'm not it. He has also put on a ton of weight. I, of course, did not mention that part.

I am doing well on my usually vacation closet clearing out. I am getting pretty over it though. Not too sure I want to do anymore. My car is back to being a 2 car garage. Xmas stuff is all packed away. Lot's of trips to the Goodwill and library to drop of donations and a trip to the local dump.
 

Atlantis

Active member
I had a date with OLD person. It went very well but I must admit I should have re-read his profile before I went.

We had a lovely lunch and then to a local bar for a drink. We hung out for about 3 hours and as the weather was horrendous I left before it got too dark. There was a little knee and arm touching :) He is super cute and pretty buff. Yes, I have type these days. :D

We ended up chatting on the phone that same night and it turns out he is non-monogamous. It is on his profile. He has a couple of other partner people. He is a Dom and has spent time in the city BDSM clubs. We swapped a few pics of gear. Very interesting conversation. He very clearly said he is not looking for monogamy but might do a primary type relationship if it came up. He is recovering from a year of very intense medical treatment and is doing the whole life re-evaluation thing.

We talked STD testing and he said he goes regularly. I said I have my appointment set for a couple of weeks time. He said he absolutely "wraps it". Woo hoo. No weirdness but yes, he part of the "community" One more data point for the "Who Tests and Who Does Not" chart.

My therapist is fine with me having non-monogamous relationships but I need to be clear with myself about not trying to turn non-monogamy into monogamy and keeping separate sets of expectations.

I am still doing the "slow" relationship thing despite Mr OLD being clear that is not looking for monogamy. Might as well get in some practice! No tons of chitty chat texts. He does like to text though. Quick to reply. We texted yesterday to set up the next meeting. Next meeting is a walk in the forest and likely food after. I do really want to get naked with him but I am seeing the use in not being in such a hurry. Find out the info first and then see if what is on offer aligns with what I want and am willing to participate in.

I invited Mr Lime to NYE at my friend's house. Ms CG left him alone on Xmas day. I invited him to my house to hang out on Xmas day but he hit the booze early, I think as an excuse to hang around at his house and see if Ms CG could squeeze him in for a minute. I actually called him. He seemed so down.

I have had many a holiday with my "partner" doing other things that didn't include me. I know the feeling of waiting around to see if might get some breadcrumbs.

I don't think Mr Lime will actually show up but he is welcome if he does.

Prof has family coming into town. I asked to meet some ( basically being evil, I wanted to see his reaction ). He said I could meet them, but I would need to be introduced as a "friend and caregiver". I told him I was sorry that he felt at his age and with his illness he still had to live his life "in the closet". ( Yup, being evil ) I won't actually ask again. I just wanted to see how he would attempt to cover me up. I am fine with just the driving and told him to let me know when the next trip was.

I talked with the shelter animal behaviorist and the cats are on "confinement unless supervised." Child the Younger left their bedroom door open, even after I asked them if it was shut, and of course a roaming cat peed on their bed. :rolleyes:But they are doing well. I wake up to 2 cats on my bed in the morning and they are playing and loved getting brushed.
 

Atlantis

Active member
I woke up to a another puddle in my bed this morning. 3 loads of washing and drying. I bet it was the fireworks and folks banging pots? ( is that a thing?) that went on for longer than I felt it should.

The cats are in "confinement" in the downstairs small 1/2 bath/ powder room or whatever you call it. I feel awful but the shelter behaviorist said it would be fine till we get the inappropriate urination under control. I have ordered a double cat window perch. There are 2 litter boxes in there and 2 beds, a window. It is probably not quite a small as I imagine it be.

They can come out to play when we are home. I did also want to get them to claim another area as theirhome. I am expecting a few family members trips over the next year and my bedroom will be used by other folks, so it is probably best if the cats eventually progress to the largish half-landing area.

I woke up to a another puddle in my bed this morning. 3 loads of washing and drying. I bet it was the fireworks and folks banging pots? ( is that a thing?) that went on for longer than I felt it should.

Second meet with Mr OLD in a few hours. It is actually quite nice weather today.
 

Atlantis

Active member
Second meet up went well. I stayed over at his house. We had a third meet up, he stayed over at mine. He is a very experienced Dom and has all sorts of toys and items. He needs a name. Mr Green.

Meet ups have been put on hold as he has some stressful medical scans and says he always takes the 2 weeks before to take care of himself.

I did text to suggest an idea for Friday when we next meet-up and he replied quickly and enthusiastically. But I have been very good at not doing chit-chat texts and keeping myself a lot more restrained.

I would really like to keep playing with him. The sex was good and the first steps into BDSM were a lot of fun.

I had another OLD date. He was really just looking for a hook-up or hook ups. So that was a no. No other OLD prospects at the moment.

Prof pulled another Prof stunt. He told me I could only meet his visiting family if he could introduce me as his "friend and caregiver". I told him I was very sorry that he needed to be in the closet but that was not something I was comfortable with. There were a few words from him about his family not understanding. I called bullshit. They are all liberal adults. His kids are now hitting their early 30s.
Basically, Ms Cherry was there the entire time so I would have had to be there at the same time as her. And yes, that might be a bit much, buy couldn't maybe Ms Cherry go home and give the space for me to meet them? I bet he never asked her. She is pretty reasonable and I feel would have been fine with it.

I ducked out of 2 Weds meetings. Prof said he wasn't sure of his schedule and would let me know. Well, I scheduled getting my butt spanked instead. Far more fun! He did push enough that I saw him Weds this week. It was odd. He showed me pics of his family visiting :eek: Really? No apology, no plan to tell them. I told him I was busy till the end of Feb with work and would be unable to schedule until then. This is true. I am very busy. Busy working on getting my ass smacked, and going to the gym, and working on low-carb cooking. We had some weird texting, he wants to schedule bonus time, but all his weekends are booked up. Well, duh! Of course they are. I didn't offer any time. I said I would see how it goes once I get through my busy February.

I am liking this plan. Slow fade. No official break-up. No pushing to be more included in anything. No accepting the odd weekend night he will likely propose to butter me up. No discussion about me being downgraded to friend, I will just do friend. Lunch is good. Watch an episode of something and go home.
 
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