Sailing Solo


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My last update got eaten.

Mr Green is unwell. He was waiting for a scan before our next date ( which was planned and on the calendar ). The news was not good. I don't know if I'll see him again. I have been crushing on him a bit. In a most pleasant way. But after only 3 dates it is likely we won't continue.. :( I am really quite sad for him and sad for me. I did have quite a few tears.

I did have 2 dates with another person. I am glad I did slow dating. There were a few red flags, one you might think is odd but he is very into "communities" and I am not. He also told me a few tales of being ostracized by a couple of communities due to a nasty divorce. I thought I had better let him know that I volunteer for things but don't get involved with the people who organize as I find it to be a network for gossip. He accused me of calling him a gossip. I replied with, "That's not what I said. I said "I" keep out of the "community" part because of the gossip, but do I volunteer." He told me to stop talking and got up and walked out of the bar!

This another one who espoused respectful communication. Respectful communication would be, "Let me clarify what I am hearing."
There was some other stuff too. I blocked and deleted him. I am glad I did slow dating!

A quick break up after only 2 dates is better than a break up after 2 dates and bumping uglies. I might be learning.

Prof is still asking about Weds. I had a hell week at work. ( I actually had to take a day I was so fried ) and told him again that Weds are out till I get through this patch but weekend time is fine. No reply.


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Prof: another request for Weds this week. Me: No, after busy time at work.
It is starting to feel like "Clash of the Wills". But I am freaking busy. Look at me taking 2 minutes for my blog update. I sent him a March date. I actually don't want to see him. I can't be bothered with his endless cover ups and shell games.

I managed a 10 minute stop at the gym today. Dressed in regular street/work clothes. The guy behind the check-in desk said "whatever" so I pounded at the bike till my pick up text came through. A whole 10 minutes. But I did it! On a school night! Next week, I'll be a little more together and plan to do 30 minutes. And work clothes with a pair of sport shoes will be fine. I go home and shower so it doesn't matter.


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I am contemplating a job change. The information arrived in an email so it wasn't like I was looking and it is within the same business.

I talked to my lawyer about how much my ex could go after as an increase in child support and if it made sense to even apply. And to those who haven't read my blog, I pay my ex despite me having the kids the majority of the time and being the one who pays for allllll the kid stuff, shoes, field trips, haircuts, birthday parties, clothes. Lawyer said apply.

I think for the first the year the difference will be good but not really worth the change. Looking to years 2 and 3, the difference will be significant and have a long lasting impact even if the ex gets to file for an increase.

My current job is fairly easy compared to what I have done. I feel I have got a bit lazy and complacent, and by that I mean I don't work 24/7. The kids already have after school activities set-up so I can do the extra hours. They are also likely old enough to be left home alone for the day ( we will need to practice that ) for the few days a year that there is no program for them to attend on school vacations. So, after a week of thought and number crunching, I will apply. I will be quite fine if I don't get the job, I am happy enough where I am, but the extra $$$$ is the difference between getting by and getting rid of my student loan and bulking up retirement.


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I messaged Mr Exotic on Monday night. He had changed his online pic and I wanted to see if he would a) reply and fizzle or b) block and delete. He had sent me a Happy New Year Message out of the blue and has chatted a little before fizzling.

He replied instantly. I asked if he has seen a movie related to the pic ( same actors The Matrix and John Wick ) and he said no and would I watch it with him? I replied with a simple "sure" This is America, people totally want to hang out but rarely actually schedule. He asked me when? I said Friday. He said definitely, Where? I said his place. I have no desire to do a mad clean up and also plan to watch the movie and leave. If he wants another date and is willing to talk about his new thoughts on STD testing then I am all for it!

I did my testing at the local public health place and by local I mean far out of the way but the only option. Interesting. They will only do the Big 4 unless you have symptoms and then they will direct you back to your own doctor. I did the Big 3 as I had a few done under my insurance recently. And I got my results back. All good.

I discussed Mr Exotic with my therapist. She said proceed with caution and only if he has new thoughts about the STD testing and come to a different understanding.

I agree.

I liked him but his communication stank. I also can agree that my approach was a bit strong and there a few red flags waving with my connections to exes. I have been clearing up those red flags since he raised them, I needed to do it for me and future dating, so maybe I don't look quite so...I don't know the words...person with unfinished business.

Prof. I do wish him the best, medical is going "ok". Phasing him is out is going fine apart from concert tickets. I bought tickets. Crap seats, but a band on my bucket list. Prof is always good for a concert. I can't get anyone else I know to go to concerts that involve a late night and dragging your butt out of bed the next day to go to work.


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I met with Mr Exotic tonight and I am not sure what to make of it.
I still find him very attractive.

We ate a tiny dinner. Went to a bar that was local to him, and by local I mean across the street, that he wanted to try out.

The bar tender person was brilliant.

I have worked in "pubs/bars" my entire student life. My main pub was 400-500 years old. I can pull many a pint but can't pump out cocktails. I do see pint pulling in America and slowly die inside. Sone pints require many minutes od settling and topping up. You need to have the angles down.

So he used the explicit words of "second opportunity."

There were small pecks on the lips.

I said I would like to "date' some more. He said he was going to ask. I asked about weed. He said he had smoked. It was a bit obvious that he had. I dunno.

I think he still has unresolved things with his ex. They have been divorced for many years. He talked about her.

I dunno.

I think he is still yearns for that family unit.


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I think I just got flaked on.

There was a little texting today with Mr Exotic, I said I had found the movie he was interested in Netflix and had a bottle of whisky. Not exactly an invite but not exactly not. He replied that he would be at mine at 8pm.

I hasn't actually said I was free but I was excited. He saw that I saw the message.( blue check marks )but I didn't actually send a confirmation reply. I messaged at 7:20pm about parking and he replied minutes later saying he had an upset stomach and was staying home.

I actually called him, as I was worried I had messed up by not actually replying to his message and just leaving it a blue marks.

He said he had been at a catered event ( he had told me he was doing that ) and had an upset stomach, but it was not too bad. He said it was fine that I hadn't actually replied. He didn't offer to reschedule and I didn't ask.

I doubt I will hear from him again. I am certainly not going initiate. He is just not interested.


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I pieced a few things together and strongly suspected that his depression is "active." He had talked about his depression said there were a few very bad years but nothing for a while now.

If asked him if he cancelled because of depression and replied " Yeah, pretty down." We have been texting a bit he says it is a daily struggle which renders him not good BF material. Closely followed by, he doesn't want to be anyone'e BF anyway.

So this is my 3rd dating encounter with someone who has depression. Only one of them was honest about it. The other 2 I actually had to ask outright because of their behavior.

I have been reading a bit more about depression and dating and relationships both last night and this morning and I just don't think it is path I wish to walk. I feel guilty saying it but relationships are hard enough to navigate. I have a lot of experience working daily with depression and family with depression. I am allowing myself to be OK with not wanting known depression in my romantic life.

I am glad I got a straight answer. I really like Mr Exotic when he is in a good place. But the idea of someone "making" themself spend time with you...
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I've been struggling with that a bit myself, Atlantis. I don't know. Mental illness is really tough.

One of my ex-boyfriends, John, has severe depression he doesn't want to get help for. I love him dearly, but not romantically anymore because I can't let myself get that entangled with him or I'll get sucked down too.

My husband, Henry, also has fairly severe cyclical depression. The difference is that he treats it, and he wants to get better. He takes medication and he is in counseling.

I recently found out that my boyfriend, Charles, also suffers from depression and he's been having a hard time with it. Still kind of figuring that out. You're right, it does make things more difficult. You can't really help someone who doesn't want to help themselves, either.

I never really worry that Henry is making himself spend time with me, but I do worry that about Charles. I don't like feeling like an obligation. I don't think there's anything wrong with choosing to put your own mental health first and not get involved, especially if you don't have a strong connection already.


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Thanks Vicki. Big Thanks. You say it so well. Those who are willing to work on it and those who are not.

Part of me is very attracted to how attractive I find him and the larger part of me is "no way".

The new hard work therapy me is open to enthusiastic and energetic relationships. Folks who are aware of their shit but want to make things different. I am aware of my shit and I want to make it different.

Mr Exotic seems very accepting of his depression. I want to be with the, "Today is good," Mr Exotic. I want to be with a partner who finds most days good.

I see now that his love-bombing and "very enthusiastic about the future" talk was on a "good day". Most of his days are bad.

Most of my days are pretty good. I might whine and complain on my blog: but most of my days are good. I have good things on my calendar. Some with people and some by myself.

Mr Green and I have had been texting. My therapist gave me very strict texting guidelines for texting someone who is very ill. Very good guidelines. I am glad I listened. She was correct. I am texting support. Outer circle supporting in.

Despite all that is going on with him, Mr Green messaged me at the weekend. An update. Information.

I sent a message last night and his brother replied. Mr Green texted himself sometime later. He is doing well. Out look is positive.
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My neighbor texted me to say I have flowers at my door.

I drove home wondering who they could be from.

I had no clue till I stopped in the petrol station and realized that tomorrow is Valentine's Day.

At no moment on the drive did I think they were from Prof. It wasn't till I realized that tomorrow was Valentine's Day did he come into the equation.

I feel a bit bad. I am drowning in work and all the calendar dates are just dates. In my head Friday is organized. Meetings, pick up times...My kids are with their Dad tonight so I had no thoughts of sending stuff to school for Valentine's parties or whatever. Nada. Nothing. Friday is the 14th. Here is the list of things to do on the 14th.

I was in bed before 8pm last night. Tonight will be the same. When my brain is very over worked it needs to go to sleep. It does not feel a need to pace the floors all night stressing. I do appreciate this about my brain. Brain says bed time. I say OK. My kids are now old enough to do bed-time without me if necessary though probably not regularly.

I was willing to let the cats wander the house freely last night and sleep with me. A little after 8pm I realized the cats were no-where upstairs. I went downstairs and they were sitting outside kitty jail, AKA the downstairs small powder/toilet room, waiting to get put to bed!

Kitty jail is pretty awesome. 2 beds, food, water, litter boxes, window perch, and the toilet is covered with "buddy blankets". Adopting older pets is a good thing.

I am not having any sex. At all. I am revelling in slow dating and holding onto my STD testing clearance.

It's hard to describe. This feeling/certainty that you will have to be awesome over a period of time before I am willing to fuck.


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Mr Green. I think ( with therapy ) I did all the right things and messaged and was in contact until my last message had no response. Awful. I found out via Facebook. I had a strong suspicion when my last Whatsapp message had no blue tick marks.
It was in August, fires, evacuation, and...loss. I was staying with my friend in her 1 bedroom. I had taken pictures of my place ready to show insurance if my place had burned down.

He died the night the fires started.

We watched Picard. I initially, I had tried so hard to like Picard but couldn't get into it. Mr Green got me into it while we doing surgery and all those words. He didn't watch the last episode with me even though we were at his place. I got it. Even while watching the last episode at his place.
We did lots of Facetime and Zoom. The last time we spoke I think he was tryin to say goodbye but I didn't see it. He was on methadone. Can you imagine, methadone, for the pain. He cleared out his whole family so we could Facetime for a bit. He tried to say goodbye, I was all" Talk soon!"

It is just a few weeks away from when we first met. January 1st.

We had a few weeks, may be a month, of normal dating before the metastasized cancer diagnosis took over.

All this while Prof was doing cancer too. ( Prof moved in Ms Cherry to take care of him )

Apart from Mr Green's brother's slight awareness of me, none of his other family/people knew.

I have not been able to share my grief with anyone who knew him. Tonight, I posted on his Face book page. I have no-one to share him with and I wanted to talk.

Prof will likely die soon and I will have no-one to share that grief with either.

Poly. Is your poly open or is your poly a secret?

If you are the secret partner then you cry alone.


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I'm so sorry, Atlantis.


Active member
It's so hard to have to process your grief separate from the network of others who cared for him. I hope you get some comfort from sharing with your friends, or this forum, at least.


New member
Oh gosh, how heartbreaking. I'm so, so sorry.

FWIW, people here are listening. I see your grief, even if we're strangers. *big hugs*


Love & Light with you through these trying times Atlantis. We are all here for support in one way or another. Reaching out for support is the hardest part.


Active member
Thank you for the positive vibes. :) It is actually very lovely to see your support.

This year has definitely had a number of challenges. Being involved emotionally with 2 partner/lover people with cancer ( there, I said it ) has been all kinds of brutal. One person has a chemo port put in, the other person has a chemo port put in 6 days later. Add in COVID. you can't see this person, you avoid that person because they have all kinds of relatives flying in to say... And then there are fire evacuations. Pack your creatures and some clothes in your car and go to sleep in your work office. Send your kids off in another direction. And then you wonder why one of your people isn't responding. Well, shit is awful, it is all burning down...I am sleeping on a couch, he is getting mega legal opiods, but we do pics and signs and signals.

There is no response, no sign, no signal. You are all caught up in sleeping here, there, where-ever, your kids are away, you have angry pets, you still go to work, got to pay the rent.

At the end of the week you think something is up. You think have a think. The thoughts lead you to not good thoughts. You log into Facebook ( you haven't posted to Facebook in years but Mr Green's people have access ).

He is gone. Right at the start of it all. He went.

Props to you mate. Pick your moment.

But he didn't pick that moment. Cancer ate him. He didn't "lose the battle". There was no battle. It is not a fight. The outcome does not depend on the effort you put in.

He absolutely did not want to die.

We talked about.

His conversations with me were different. We did not pray. We did look to a higher power to make the outcome different.

We ate delicious things and he got me to watch past episode 4 of "Picard".

I really did not like early Picard though I am a total Trekker ( not a Trekkie ). So many trekker stories.

He wouldn't watch the last episode of Picard with me. We watched all the other episodes together. He head was on my lap through all the episodes. I rubbed all his cancer surgery spots. In retrospect, I understand why he was fussing around in the kitchen and wouldn't sit with me.
I apologize if I ruin Picard for you, but...

I have not yet been able to bring myself to start season 2.

I am doing a grief thing on a whole new level.

I am so fortunate that my parents and siblings are all alive,

I do think I did the best I could for Mr Green. I do. I think we did all kinds of normal for his 90 days of remission. We did tv, and some food, and some walks. We walks after the official diagnosis of more cancer. I sat on his deck with a bag of curry in a mask. He couldn't breath. We thought it was because the cancer had metastasized to his lungs. Actually, no. There was whole new tumor growing in his heart.

Isn't that a fun video chat.

Looking back, he was saying goodbye. I didn't see it. I thought it was another chat with him out of his mind on Methodone and we would talk again. He kept saying "Good times, Good time."

I think I did ok. The fires were everywhere. I packed my life into the back of a car. First world problems. I have a car. I have insurance. The fires. The fires got to less than a mile away. The ash was so thick. It was a foggy London the 1800s.

For real? He died on the day of the fires?

Nobody called me. Nobody rang.

I don't know where he is. Cremated or buried.

COVID meant no goodbye.

We all were asked to celebrate his birthday his birthday with a candle.

Da FuQ?

His birthday and my birthday are so close.

We talked about it. 3 weeks apart. His birthday and then my birthday.


Staff member
Oh Atlantis, that sounds so very horrific and I'm sorry for your loss. Which is such a cliché thing to say but I really am. long distance hugs offered, if you'd want them.


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Thank you Icesong. It does help.
I am going to take the day off work today.


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Shedding tears from that story. Sending light your way


Well-known member
I am so sorry, Atlantis. I'm sorry Mr Green is gone way too soon. And I'm sorry that you're left to grieve alone. And I'm sorry about Prof, too. And the fires and evacuations. So many horrible things about this year. Sending positive thoughts that next year will be a happier, healing, safer year for you, your kiddos, and your kitties.