Sailing Solo

I posted in the general forums, which I rarely do, but it is posted "solo ploy" .

Like fuck. Being a solo is brutal in many ways. There is no sharing of bills, no help with kids, no confirmed " I am dying, call this person", but call any number of my friends or family. But on the plus side, you do not have to deal with someone in your space all day, every day.

This is mmmmmyyyy space. I paid for it. I get to decide what amount out stuff is in this place. If I want to binge Netlfix or read my book for hours on end and not cook mega healthy balanced meals, ignore the piles of laundry, and let my kids watch screens, then guess what??? I don't!!!!!

I get to fuck whomever I want. Because, you know what? You don't get up and go to work to pay my bills. I do.

If you want to be solo poly then you need to take care of the stuffness of life. You cannot hand it off. But the plus side is ... at the end of the day... I can punctuate my blog however you I FEEL like punctuating it and you don't get to say shit about it! Ha! I can paint my kids room in the most incredibly bold coolers because that is what they wanted. I put a bazillion hours into doing it. And when I sell MY HOUSE the new owners can repaint however they like. But I did not have to check in with another adult human being (apart from the awesome people at the home improvement store because I suck at color choice ) about what is "acceptable" and what is not. My kids love the riot of color in , mostly, their choices.

When I am dying on the inside I have a toolbox of friends and family and most importantly myself to get through it. Look inside for that inner strength. It is there.
 
I don't usually post on anyone's blogs, but just wanted to say, I am also solo poly and I appreciated your post on the general discussion thread.

Being solo can definitely be brutal.
 
Thanks Meera,
I just re-read and it was on the blunt side. I feel a bit bad about it now :(
I was definitely having a vent last night.

2 men in the space of a week saying I was tooooo independent and the emotional squeaky wheels get the oil. They both also said they appreciate that I take care of what needs to be taken care of. There probably is more of a middle ground but I feel I am reasonably balanced.

I feel quite proud of how I am developing my self-soothing skills. It certainly lessens the sadness of not having a partner reliably around for the bad times. But the good times far outweigh the bad.
 
Mr Lime is mumbling about visiting at the weekend. He is checking if Ms CG will let him. :D:D:D
I am dying to see if he will be a miserable git or actually be a little lighter.

He was hinting at visiting this past weekend but I missed the hint. It was beyond subtle. In fact, the last time he had dropped the same hint I asked him about it and he said no. So, I ignored the same question one week later. I am not sharing my plans with someone who keeps saying it won't work out. And he is big enough and old enough to ask for time directly. I schedule time. When do I not schedule time? Even as scheduler in recovery I schedule time. Ask for time and I will plan it in. What am I doing this weekend???? All kinds of stuff. Looking at the chickens with the feathered legs was total fun! And the trains and old farming implements. "Old" being hilariously not old. Yeah no. I have seen this stuff working, it is not all that old. But whatever. We had fun and lots of laughs.

I am chatting with a guy in a "Relationship Anarchy" style relationship. ROTFL. Sure, once you check with the GF we are good to meet.
 
The new Dark Crystal reboot is brutal.
I watched a few episodes with the kids and then we watched the original movie over the weekend...1982. How is it so old?
I cannot watch torture.
I can watch shoot and splat and gore but hate torture.
They are muppet puppets but damn, it's horrendous. I press pause a lot an we talk about the manipulation and the trope of the " Hero's Journey" but at the end... I am hiding behind cushion and creaming "No, No, NO", at the screen.
The voice cast is phenomenal, Sigourney Weaver and Helena Bonhema Carter.
My kids have a solid background in Alien/s and Harry Potter. But Like, Noooooo.

We are splitting out time between The Flash and The Dark Crystal, but it is the same story. Evil and the Hero's Journey.

The Flash is less torturous and has the joy of Wentworth Miller, who has his own demons but... Wentworth Miller... Sigh, Adorable, even as the bad guy.
 
Mr Lime is still working on plans for the weekend and will let me know. I replied "ok" and that was the only message today.

If he does visit, I predict there will be some kind of emotional calamity phone call from Ms CG and he will have to leave. I was planning to write out the scenario and stick it in an envelope on the fridge to hand him on the way out the door but that would maybe be a little unkind.

At this point the fact that the negotiating is taking so long, implies a short visit if any visit at all. But it is somewhat flattering that he appears to be trying.

Eeyore texted about meeting on Weds, I suggested the weekend. I think I did pick him a better nickname but don't remember what it was.

I am chatting with a couple of online people. One just asked to meet. I said yes.
My main plan for the weekend is the gym and John Wick 3. I can't believe I didn't see it in the cinema and it is now out on DVD. What the hell was I doing that was more important than Keanu?
 
Mr Lime is still working on plans for the weekend and will let me know. I replied "ok" and that was the only message today.

If he does visit, I predict there will be some kind of emotional calamity phone call from Ms CG and he will have to leave. I was planning to write out the scenario and stick it in an envelope on the fridge to hand him on the way out the door but that would maybe be a little unkind.

At this point the fact that the negotiating is taking so long, implies a short visit if any visit at all. But it is somewhat flattering that he appears to be trying.

Eeyore texted about meeting on Weds, I suggested the weekend. I think I did pick him a better nickname but don't remember what it was.

I am chatting with a couple of online people. One just asked to meet. I said yes.
My main plan for the weekend is the gym and John Wick 3. I can't believe I didn't see it in the cinema and it is now out on DVD. What the hell was I doing that was more important than Keanu?
 
Mr Lime cannot make this weekend but will probably do so next week. He says it will involve a sleepover and getting naked, so that is positive. I haven't asked for any more details.

Prof is unwell. They are building a treatment plan. It will involve surgery.

I was probably the last to know. He didn't want to tell me till he saw me in person. Which on one had is sweet and on the other hand felt like I was being excluded. He could have picked up the phone. I have known about everything else leading up this moment.

I had to text ask him today for the latest update. In what way was I not fairly high up on list of people whom he would let know? I saw him yesterday and he told me what today would involve and I asked him to let me know. Text was fine. I worried all day and eventually messaged about 6pm. He did respond fairly promptly with a copy-pasta. I know know know that I shouldn't take it personally. He is dealing with a lot. But it is pretty obvious at this point that I will not be his primary care giver or even a priority for information. I think that Ms Cherry is now the public face of his romantic life.

I talked to my sister last night and my BFF. I will have to tell my parents tomorrow. She adores Prof and he sees my parents as surrogates parents. As my sister said, mom will be painfully positive. We are not allowed to do sad in my family. It's all about the one foot in front of the other and just get on with it. And that is exactly the type of person I ended up being. Problem is, that type of brittle cracks.

It's a big kick in the pants. I have been doing a lot thinking and feel quite over being a Secondary. Old faithful, reliable, but not the main act. It feels like the trade-off being strong and independent is too high.

My therapist brought up the idea that I am not willing to present as vulnerable so I don't get treated as a high priority. I don't create the environment where someone is allowed to take care of me because I tell them and me that "I can do it all myself."

I don't feel vulnerable on the whole. I feel like my castle can withstand a whole lot of Trojans. I have my network of friends/family people. The though of losing Prof is horrendous, he is a big part of my network. But apparently I am not a big part of his. :(
 
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I talked with my sister and parents. They both said to not take things personally as he will be overwhelmed and trying to digest. He does have a huge network as well and family and adult children. There is actually not likely much need for me right now. He will be swamped with offers of support.
My fear is being kept out of the loop if things go badly. He does know that I am not a fair-weather friend. I am trying to keep the support inwards idea in mind. He is the center so I support him, and I don't look for any relationshipy type things to come out. It will take a village.
 
Mr Lime is expected shortly and he booked all of my upcoming kid free weekend. I am taking that as positive.

Prof has decidedly chosen Ms Cherry as his person to go through the up-and-comings with. After a very good therapy session last night, I am fine with it.

My role with Prof is never going to be Primary. I can't really see me doing it even if it was an option. It's just not a lifestyle I am comfortable with or good at.

I am working on what I "am" good at. I am good a being very level. My base is solid. Sure life throws curve balls but, on the whole, I return to base calm very quickly. I have some tools to get over the curveballs, one large one is blogging here. I have a mega rant and then calm down once it is out. I am working on more self-soothing tools to slow my roll before the mega rant happens. I am good at keeping things running smoothly. I am good at ironing out wrinkles.

I feeeeel I could tell where Prof ws going I feeeeeel I was mostly correct. He wants me to step aside and not be offended so Ms Cherry can be the public face but he would like me to maintain as the regular weekly calming. I also made him laugh a huge bunch last night.
I got him to laugh a lot and then soothed him as I know he likes to be soothed. And that is all I can do.

My plan and belief in self is that I am very good at "neutral". Prof needs me to not back off but also not to do hurt feelings and demand attention.

Our romantic relationship may fizzle out. I foresee a gentle decline. But that is ok. I am ready to move on into not being secondary or solo by being more emotionally soft and open to a letting someone into my inner ...whatever the word is.
 
I'm sorry, Atlantis. It's hard when things change sometimes and I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you.
 
There was lots of really nice hard fucking last night.

Shortly after Mr Lime arrived he was mumbling about leaving and not staying the night. I told him it was fine if he needed to leave. He elaborated the he wakes up at 1 am and how would I feel about him leaving then. I said that has never been an issue. I know he wakes up at odd hours. And having just spent the night with Prof who is up and down on a good night and up and down constantly on a bad night... it is not a problem. Just don't expect me to join you!

We talked and chatted and had margaritas, smooched a bit, and I said to him if he didn't want to have sex that was fine but he needed to use clear words."Definitely, no."

As we got ready for bed he was cleaning his teeth naked. Now, this man naked is a site to behold. He has super long braids down to his very round but firm ass, washboard abs...and when he adds a smile... fucking lethal. I said to him again, while holding my hand at my nose so I would stop perving long enough to look him in the eyes.. you need to clearly say " definitely no." and say it right now.
He loves it when I perv, he is a self-professed exhibitionist. So please do not imagine it is secretive and demeaning in anyway. It is outright clear perving with a lot of laughing. He grabbed my hand and took me to bed.

He is less skilled than Prof but absolutely made up for it with energy and a hard on that lasted for ever. I am very much looking forward to next weekend. :D

So Prof. I am doing the neutral. Not backing away but not initiating. He texted me a slightly confusing message today. Turns out he was asking for a reschedule from Weds to another day without actually using any days??? Yup, confusing. But the dude is in pain. I couldn't do the alternate day and cheerily moved onto the one thing we have calendared. After that date there is nothing but Weds scheduled.

I am good with that. I am giving up asking for more time or suggesting when I have free time. I worked out that he has my kid free days programmed into his phone so he knows when I am likely to be free. And there is no way he can schedule much for at least the next 4 weeks. So I will accept whatever comes up. October and November are crazy busy every year. It seems like every I know I know, including myself, has a birthday in a 2 month slot and then there is Halloween and Thanksgiving added in. First offer that comes in will be accepted, if it works, and I will be saying "no" to Prof a lot more. I am no longer keeping slots open in the hope he will commit to anything beyond the usual Weds.

I will be getting a small work bonus in November and absolutely plan to burn it up on travel. Prof and I had tentatively discussed how I would add it to a travel trip before his diagnosis came in. I mentioned it to Mr Lime last night and he looked pretty keen. Or I will go and do one of my bucket list items by myself and share it with polyamory.com. Of course, it might need to get spent on something that pops up ( I foresee vet bills ) and I'll have to mentally do a staycation.

I feel very good. Therapy works very for me. I get that I need to work on being a softer human being for romantic relationships while being proud of my strong work ethic, ability to problem solve, and mostly be a very level person. Working on accepting my strengths and letting go of the never ending desire to do more and be better to make others happy.
 
Thank you Vicki. I appreciate your message. It is so hard doing poly with someone who is legitimately unwell.

Last night I played a little "predict the behavior" with Mr Lime.There was very little talk of Ms. CG apart from he said she is a very angry person and she is texting him.

One $10 bet was Ms CG would would call with an emotional break down to break up the evening. I forget what the second $10 bet was. Something along the lines of she is actually not OK with this after all and you will suffer all kinds of shit for actually daring to try poly.

Well, guess what. I have won $20.

I texted him to feel free to not see me again but let me know. I said I think we have a good connection and I am willing to let him experience joy in life and embrace the experiences that he says he wants to do.

Let's see what happens.

My experience with poly over the last 6 years is it mostly doesn't work. There is too much jealousy and envy and an unwillingness to let human being experience the joy of loving and caring for others. At a point, someone wants to cut off the other loves.
 
Feels like I should up my emotional drama game. But I am not really that person.
Mr Lime is telling me next weekend is likely off due to Ms CG turning up announced at his home and demanding to "talk". Can you see the reaction if I tried that? Because I wouldn't.

I am just laughing. Dudes, go follow your bliss.

I can only be who I am and high drama I am not.

I enjoy the mental gymnastics of balancing multiple relationships. I totally enjoy the sex. I enjoy the input and intimacy of it. But I just cannot be bothered by shouting so loud that other voices cannot be heard. I just want it all to be kumbaya. I can be so naive.

So I am fine with this latest... I cannot even describe it as a let down because I see Mr Lime whirling in emotional drama and I feel sorry for him. Same for Prof, but he kind of gets a pass as his shit is the beyond scary type and he is circling his wagons.

My new plan for next weekend is to try and get my painting lines straight. Damn, but I hate those textured walls, and I hear Trevor Noa's audio book version of his autobiography is hilarious, so Trevor can talk while I paint. I saw Trevor Noa live last year and it was very fun. I also have a kid's birthday party and the gym to keep me busy.

The upcoming week after is very busy with work and concert plans and the week after that too. It is my busy time of year.

Ohhhhhh. I could go see my retired work friend! I have become a bit nervous about solo travel after my potential abduction last year. Having a travel trip planned with a travel partner at the other end makes me happy.

I am off to see how far my airmiles can get me. :)
 
Are tears and drama the only way to get a point across? I simply just can't believe human beings are so ignorant that tears and drama are what it takes.

I had some tears tonight. Genuine tears of "Do not keep me in the dark and do not withhold information." Tears had an effect that rational discussion did not have. This should not be the case. Clearly explaining, sharing and discussion should be good. Meaningful discussion in a calm manner. For real???? Tears is what it takes to be heard???
No, no, no.
People should listen and take it in, and reflect what they hear it without tears. At the point someone is crying is because they fell no-one or the somebody that they want to hear, is not listening. And if tears is what it takes, then tears become the norm. And that is not a healthy state of being.

Tonight, tears got my point across. I did face-to-face conversation, I did phone discussion. Tears got me heard. Argh, that is sooooo not me. But I got heard. And promises of updates and communication were made.

The response I got was. "I am going to need you."

And I promised to be there. I said " What part of you thinks I will not be there for you.

I told him I have it all laid out. All the time off work is there. I have told my kids a vague outline of what is going on. I am very prepared, and all is prepared on my end for whatever you need. I am ready.

I wrote and deleted a previous post.

Maybe I need to find a private place to write. I worry that I write too many identifying specifics.

But I find writing to be an outlet. All my though s and feeling of one moment that I change and flex.

I am good with changing and flexing. Maybe that is seen as weakness, but I feel it is utterly strong. I will maintain an utterly safe and stable environment
around which all can be crazy and chaotic and human beings can bounce around inside. But I will maintain stable and even because fundamentally, I am beyond good at even and stable and non-reactive. I will hold firm.

Via blogging and writing and therapy and friends and family, I occasionally lose the plot, but I return to the base level very, very quickly. I am even and stable. I take it all in and spew out a more level state of being. Being the black hole ( do not quote me astrophysics ) I suck in the matter and either compress it or send it out as brilliant gamma rays that light up the universe.

Sometimes I need to refocus on spinning at 95% the speed of light. I really cannot go much faster, and neither can black holes. But we suck it all in and refocus the energy and matter. It is an out-there allegory But the voices ask me to be stable. Hold firm whatever happens. But I need the photons to hear me and apparently a bit of tears is what gets through. But no. I hear you without the tears and drama. Why can't you hear me?
 
I agree. It shouldn't take tears and drama to be heard. Unfortunately, that's been my experience in poly arrangements with men, too. The partner with the tears, drama, and tantrums gets the most attention. The partner who works through her stuff quietly and with rational conversation, is seen as stronger and her words don't penetrate like the tears and drama. The problem is, everyone has a breaking point.

I'm sorry it took tears for you to be heard, Atlantis. I hope he listens this time. You have so much going on in your relationships right now. It has to be incredibly difficult to have both relationships in flux.

If writing helps and is cathartic, keep doing it! You can always write it down here, then change the specifics...or write it down on paper or a word document, if it helps. ((Hugs))
 
Thank you Pink Pig for the kind words. It is comforting to hear that it is not only me that finds the drama partner gets the attention.
I do try to be vague in my writing but it's kind of hard sometimes. I could private blog but I enjoy the community here and receiving input. There is a lot of compassion and empathy.

I have a self-imposed pressure that I should re-read, edit and punctuate better in a public forum. I do like to blurt it all and then press" post" but sometime I re-read a previous post and imagine you must all think I am drunk or high because my first, and only draft, is full of mistakes. I often simply don't have the time to edit but mostly I hate reading what I wrote. It is not, for me, an exercise in writing but a spewing of stream of consciousness that I don't care to revisit. Once it is out and "gone" and I feel better and move on. But if I go back and really look...eek... the errors.

Onto relationship stuff...

Some good advice from my therapist. Either Prof includes me in his inner circle without me feeling the need to remind him, or I am his friend who will drop round take-out food and be on my merry way.

You can't be telling people you need them and then not include them. I am really quite prepared to transition to friends. I prefer to keep him in my life but I am developing more self-respect and know I will be quite fine without him.

Mr Lime. I am sooooo bad. I am most definitely enjoying hearing his Ms CG drama. It is like reading the gossip mags or watching a soap!

I have talked to him the past couple of mornings and he tries not to, but quickly ends up telling me all the salacious details. The one worrying part was when he said she wanted my phone number and address so she could come and talk to me. I told him she turns up I will call the police. Apparently, she has my name mixed up and he hasn't bothered to correct it so that might slow her down a bit. I am really not willing to have any more meta spillover.

Human relationships are messy things. There is that stage of wanting to suck up every available moment together, and then things settle down, then people get bored with settled, and their needs are not met. Human beings used to be mostly dead by age 40. Through ideas, child birth, starvation and war. Till Death Do Us Part was a 20 year commitment at best. You stuck it out for a few years to raise enough kids to support you in your old age and all was good. I have no idea where I was going with that train of thought.


Mr Lime and Ms CG: They seem to break up a lot and get back together after very long and draining conversations. Tonight is yet another come to Jesus discussion. She offered up full monogamy after he spent the night with me and is prepared to give up her other romantic interest. She took Mr Lime to meet the other romantic interest!!!!! That did not go to plan ( I can hear your shock and amazement from here ) and involved her shouting and accusations of mr Lime "cheating" and an extremely expensive Uber at 1 am. I am quite amazed he is still a willing participant. It's quite hilarious as they are both still married and nowhere near filing for divorce, one still living with the estranged spouse, and yet passionately and utterly committed to trying to work things out.

Tomorrow, it is once again very likely, that I be will told Mr Lme can't see me and needs to focus on Ms CG.

I will really miss the tales of romantic drama. :(
I am so shallow :D:D:D

And yes, I am self-aware enough to know that I am part of this network. And, yes I could have chosen to go mono with Mr Lime a while ago and decided not to. And maybe yes after Ms Text died I could have got all pushy with Prof and maneuvered myself into Primary spot. But I didn't want to.

Look where my "not wanting to" got me. 2 partners who prioritize the louder drama filled partners and I am really quite fine with it. Because, ( and yes I started a sentence with because) they are not a good fit if I can't be who I am when I am with them.

Another thought. Neither Mr Lime nor Prof has any tiny concept who the other one is. No idea. They don't ask because I am very clear in my position that I won't tell and most importantly, they really don't ask. I would tell them vague information if they expressed a true desire to know. But they don't! They are so enraptured with their own selves that they don't look me in the eyes and ask what is happening with my other relationships.
 
Maybe I'll post and not delete. It also depends on the captcha monster...

I met Ms Cherry last night. We kind of had to because a) There was not way I was doing all that driving and not need a pee break and b) Prof can't be scheduling around women.

Prof sent a wall of text of text, stern talking to me yesterday. I was floored by it. I chose to respond with a "Yes" and "We can discuss later". It turns out he is overwhelmed by demanding partners with their claims...desires... whatever the word is and he simply can't cope.

I asked him when I saw him if I was actually doing any of the stuff in the text and he said "No" but he wanted everyone to get the same info/warning at the same time.

Meeting Ms Cherry went well. It was brief. she invited me to stay for tea or dinner. I knew I had a big drive back and still need to do the stuffness of life so I declined but I am fine to meet her again for tea or dinner or whatever. I foresee that she and I will need to cross paths multiple times in the future.

Prof said he would trade in all of his friends and just keep me and Ms Cherry. She had a hilarious response to that. I told her I am going to steal her expression. It was a fun and good moment.

Thank fuck for an awesome therapist. We talked on my drive home. It was veeeery late for me but therapist talked for an hour.

My plan is to do leaky tears on a regular basis. Just one or two, but let them out often.

Prof and I discussed emotional responses. Imagine 2 Mr Spocks having a conversation. I said I have an understanding that melt-down tears does not help the person in need and I plan to do melt-down in my own time. He said he would prefer that. He requested that we maintain our normal Weds night schedule as far as appointments permit and that I tell my regular stuffness of life happenings and that he can tell his.

He is still a manipulative git. But thanks to therapy I have the skills to go neutral.

He said he is working to set up a thing that will pay for my both of my kids college education. If you have any concept of American college fees and student debt; that is huge. I told him it is wonderful if he does and a non-issue if he doesn't.

That is so Prof. Nothing..Nothing.. then HUGE.

The man has stepped up in ways non-asked for years. In between times.. he is annoying and manipulative.

I have to start working on working on ways to prepare for the hole. How do you plan to fill the hole?

Mr Lime: I have no mental space for his Ms CG drama.
I would prefer to have him around a few times a month because his naked self is awesome. But ..but but....
 
I'm sorry, Atlantis. I don't know that you can prepare for that hole. It totally sucks that you have to. :( FWIW, it sounds like you're handling things well, considering the circumstances. ((Hugs))
 
Thanks Pig Pink.
I was talking to my dad this morning and he said the exact same thing about there going to be a big hole. I don't really know. Prof and I have had a very up and down relationship over the years. Lots of good times but there have also been considerable periods of it being bad. I have no idea how far away I'll be pushed in the coming months. I'll just have to wait and see.

Mr Lime is chatting a bit, no plans to meet.

Mr Tulip from almost 2 years ago popped up. He asked to speak to me about issues one of his kids is having.

The last time I spoke to him he told me he thought I was a terrible parent and I had no idea what good parenting was and that I was probably bad at my job too.

And now he wants advice. I told him I would speak to him but recommended he go seek professional help. He hasn't responded. I hope he doesn't.

I have been doing a little OLD. A bit of chat here and there.I unmatch and they unmatch so no progress. I think a little dressing up and going out would be nice.
 
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