I don't know if this helps you any. But these things stuck out to me from your posts. You do NOT have to answer anything online. I don't expect you to. Consider these some questions to help you reflect and figure out what is bothering you, and in what order, like:
Which parts weight more heavily on you than others? Are you two going into this underprepared? Is one more prepared than the other?
My wife and I have been together since middle school.
So she represents your only/longest-lasting adult relationship?
In that time, I had made some stupid decisions and hurt trust, but we have always made it through.
What sorts of things when? Back in MS or HS or more recently? Have you forgiven YOURSELF for whatever it was, or do you still carry it as a burden?
I still believe the poly or ENM would be great for us, but I cannot get over the thought of her having another man, having only had each other. She's perfect. Talks with me, assures me we are good, and it would change nothing. But I'm suffering from anxiety thinking about it.
So is this about fear of the new guy meeting her emotional needs more than you; being better at sex than you; a sense of loss of "specialness," because you two have been each other's only partners since MS; fear of a break up; or something else?
How do you manage your fear of breaking up NOW? Even in monogamy, people break up. There doesn't have to be anyone else for them to do it. They just have to decide "I don't want to do this anymore. I'd rather be on my own."
Are you scared you might date and find someone more compatible for you?
Would you feel better if she said, "Well, I don't know what will come. Some things might change. Here's what I'd like to stay the same," rather than telling you, "It would change nothing," because it doesn't give you emotional space to talk about your fears and doubts?
This "perfect" thing -- are you putting her on a pedestal? Do you think you "got lucky" to find her and are scared your luck is running out?
Do you like yourself in general, or not so much?
I've found that my jealousy comes out even when it is just talking. Hearing her phone go off, or seeing her smile while texting somebody else, leaves me feeling inadequate. Feeling like do have to fight for the time and connection, even tho she says we have it, and doesn't want anything else.
Why does there have to be a fight? Are you two getting lost in putting the kids first and parenting duties?
Do you each have two nights off from being the parent in charge, where you get to nap, rest, do hobbies, go take a class, go out alone, with friends, with family, etc., so the individual person is getting time to recharge their batteries?
Are you two making regular couple time/dates together at least once a week, and once a week for special family dates? Or not really?
While kids need care, are you not putting the couple first? Making the kids knock before coming into the bedroom? Leaving some things/activities for the couple only? Like watching your 30-minute show together, and telling the kids that unless there's blood or bones, they cannot interrupt? Or do you tell the kids they don't get to come up on the couch, they have to play nearby on the floor? Some sort of boundaries? Because kids grow up and move out. Then what? You want the couple to still be there, right?
I'm afraid she's moving into this open free spirit from our stuck suffocating lives, and she want to leave it.
What do you need to move into an open free spirit and out of a stuck suffocating life? Even if you two never open/practice polyamory, why are you living stuck and suffocating lives? What could change?
Are you afraid she's outgrowing you, or you are outgrowing her? Does it feel disloyal to think such things?
I wish I was that good with words and emotions to start with.
What's prevented you from growing in this area? Are you comfortable being vulnerable and emotionally honest with your partner? Why or why not? Are you worried having some basic needs comes across as "being too needy?"
Do you over-rely on your partner to help your co-regulate or process big stuff? Are you making partner be your "free therapist"? Do they do the bulk of emotional labor in this relationship? Do you have enough friends/a social circle of your own?
I feel every time I've brought it up so far, I've only cause her to pity me and want to stop because I'm jealous.
Is there something wrong with your partner having compassion for you?
Maybe it is ok to take a pause, so you two can better prepare to open up, and not come to ENM/polyamory all rocky, wonky, or distressed? Would you both want to work with a poly counselor?
Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory
www.polyfriendly.org
Have you done enough to disentangle?
Transcript Why is it that some monogamous couples who open up their relationship end up blowing everything apart while others don't are the people who make it work just better. People immune to jealousy at one, with the abundance of love while the people who end up bitter and broken, just aren't
www.makingpolyamorywork.com
Or have you been "joined at the hip" since middle school?
Are there codependent things going on?
Recovery program for codependence. Find a local or online meeting. If you desire healthy & loving relationships CoDA can help.
coda.org
Have you talked about what happens if you open and things go WELL? What would that look like?
Have you talked about what happens if you open and things have to end? What a peaceful break up/divorce looks like? What about coparenting?
If you find you cannot even talk about that, at all... why is that?
Galagirl
