Secondary who wants to be a Primary

T

Triangle1

New member
Hi there, I am in a polyamorous relationship. I date two women, each also date one other woman. One of them has been engaged for two years. The engaged pair have been holding off on a wedding to really make sure they are on the same page with the relationship. The one I date, who I will call MC, seems pretty committed to making it work with her fiance but also always has a back up plan in case it doesn't. MC and I have been dating for about 4 years, she has been with the other woman 2-3 years.

I've always wanted to be her primary but its pretty clear that her feelings are not quite reciprocated even though she does have strong feelings for me. I have never loved anyone so passionately, I've never wanted to be with anyone so badly.

I guess I am looking for advice on how to cope with being a secondary when I want to be a primary...how to cope with staying in the relationship because I love her even though I won't get what I want from her. I don't want to break up with her, but every time she has to cancel on me I am heartbroken. I'd say she has to cancel on me at least 50% of the time or more, due to her partner, her kid and family, work, chorus or whatever else. I am having trouble deciding if it is worth trying to change my mindset to keep a relationship with her or if she just has too many other things going on that bring me disappointment that is not worth having.

I've never done one of these, if anyone wants to know more information to help give advice or a personal experience for me to consider, please let me know. Thank you !
 
Hey there!
I am sorry you are feeling troubled. Only YOU know what is best for you, but I will say that in any situation where the effort and energy is not reciprocated, disappointment is sure to follow. You have to ask yourself if being disappointed and heartbroken is something you want to experience on the regular.

For me the answer is no. I love myself too much to drain myself energetically. I, too, know what it is like to desperately want to be with someone only to be faced with reality time and time again.

I would try and manage my expectations into something realistic. If I couldn't live with the reality, I think it would be time to move on.

Much light and love your way!
 
Triangle1 said:
I'd say she has to cancel on me at least 50% of the time or more, due to her partner, her kid and family, work, chorus or whatever else.
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No matter what configuration or relationship type, do you really want to be with someone who comes up with so many and varied reasons not to spend time with you? This has nothing to do with poly or being anywhere in any hierarchy, it has to do with having mixed feelings about the relationship. I also have a partner, kids, family, run a business and deal with autism! When I make plans with someone I'm into, I keep them 99% of the time. Using "whatever else" as an excuse just means she is seriously conflicted about seeing you. Live, learn, wish her well and move on. This is not a loving relationship.
 
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I work 2 jobs, have two husbands, TWO separate households to see to, 2 school aged children, a gaggle of critters and I still manage to keep both relationships in balance. BTW both my husbands are mono.

I still find the time to tend to each relationship. I think you need to take a long hard look at this relationship. Someone who values a relationship isn't going to blow you off half of the time.
 
I agree , I wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't see me as a priority. I never intended on sam being a co primary but he made it clear from the start that he would not be a secondary, he would not be an afterthought, or accept crumbs. You need to decide what you want and ask gor it and decide if it can't be given whether you want to continue or not. It could bw that maybe you need to have your own primary relationship.
 
Thank you for your responses. I think it's just hard for me to let go. I've never loved someone so much. But I know how she treats me in many situations does not make me feel very good and is not what I want. I have to learn to accept that while I do love her and believe that she loves me as well, this isn't the relationship for me.
 
That sounds like a painful position to be in. 😟

I'm involved with someone who has cancelled with me way too much in the past. I thought he just wasn't into me, but then when I'm with him he seems to be. I'm not sure and I may be fooling myself, but I think he just needs a lot of alone time and doesn't have a huge sex drive (he isn't seeing anyone else). It was really frustrating and disappointing and was making me feel pretty crappy, and I was also starting to think I might be happier if I moved on. But I have since really stepped back, let him come to me more, and not been at all pushy and things are feeling really nice between us now.

I have no experience with what you're going through, but I think you'd be better off if you let go entirely of the idea of being a primary. Maybe think about what you need that you aren't getting and see if there's some other way to meet those needs, whether with her or someone else.
 
I'm sorry you are hurting :(

She doesn't sound like she treats you well as a secondary partner. Why just NOT make a date? Rather than make a date and flake out so much? Only make them when serious about following through? Then you are not chronically disappointed.

Thank you for your responses. I think it's just hard for me to let go. I've never loved someone so much. But I know how she treats me in many situations does not make me feel very good and is not what I want. I have to learn to accept that while I do love her and believe that she loves me as well, this isn't the relationship for me.
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Some choices in life are not "win or lose" but "which stinks less?"

Staying in it when you are treated in a way that does not make you feel good (-) and is not what you want(-)? Total is a double minus stink.

Letting it go so (-) you can be out of the line of fire (+)? That stinks, but at the same time, there's a plus. So net result? That is a neutral.

So which stinks less? I would say a net neutral (even if hard to do at first) is better than a net double minus.

Galagirl
 
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Hi Triangle1,

Re (from OP):
"I am having trouble deciding if it is worth trying to change my mindset to keep a relationship with her or if she just has too many other things going on that bring me disappointment that is not worth having."
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Ah, that is the core of the matter. Only you can decide.

Maybe this other person is very disorganized, and that's why she keeps canceling dates with you? That's the only reason I can think of offhand that would be excusable. Otherwise, "she's just not that into you." :(

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
Hi Triangle,

I understand what you are going through.

Kevin T raises a good point that I was also going to say - is MC generally a scatty person? I cancel all the time on my best friends because we are all a changeable and disorganised bunch. Could it be that MC doesn't realise how much this upsets you? Have you spoken to her frankly about it?

How often do you see each other, and what kind of reasons does she give? Do you think they are justifiable? Does she rearrange when she cancels, or do you feel like you are constantly chasing her?

I don't know if this will be of any help, but this reminds me of a situation between my partner and her third partner (Garcon). Whilst my partner WAS very much into him, she simply didn't think of him as a priority. In her mind, a secondary partner meant secondary priority - Garcon came after my partner's husband, me, our daughter, our business and my partner's health problems. She would often cancel on him, and sometimes quite unapologetically. In her mind, if he wanted to be with her, he had to accept that XYZ came first and that he was meant to fit in around HER life. Garcon, on the other hand, always wanted - and pushed for - more. The more he pushed, the less she wanted to meet him. The less available she was, the more he pushed / wanted her. It was a cycle.

I believe that these things are like natural forces - when one thing pulls away, one thing pushes to try to bring the two forces together. The only way to break the cycle, in my opinion, is for one of the forces to change. In this case, you (the pushing / wanting force) could decide to step back.

In the case of my partner and Garcon, they actually separated for 9 months and it was good for them. When they got back together, they talked frankly about their feelings. He told her that he expected and needed more stability. He knew that he couldn't be her 'primary' partner, but he didn't want to feel disposable. She talked to him about feeling pushed and how it put her off. They were open and honest with each other. Things went well for a while.

Interestingly, the tables have now turned. Once Garcon felt that he *was* important and started getting more regularity and stability from my partner, he actually started to chill out on things a little. He also filled his life with more things - more partners, more friends, more hobbies, more events. These days, it's actually my partner who often feels like an option, not Garcon. Whilst Garcon used to WANT to be my partner's primary, he now does not want to be. He is happy to have a more 'tertiary' role in her life because he realises the benefits of it - he just asks that she offers some sort of regularity.

The reason I tell you this is because I think it might be a good idea to: a) Talk to MC very frankly about your feelings (if you haven't already); and b) fill your life with other things and cool off a bit.

I'm not saying you should cool off to play games and try to win MC's interest - this may or may not happen. I think you should cool off for your own well-being and happiness - you're placing her in a higher position in your life than she's placing you and you are likely holding onto a self-defeating fantasy of being her primary. When you busy yourself with other things, happiness comes from within and you are less dependent on someone else.

You could also ask MC to spell it out for you in plain terms what you can expect from her. She may tell you that you should expect cancellations and a lack of structure. You then have to decide if you can accept that. You could spell out in plain terms what you expect and see if she can offer something that would help.

I do know what it's like to be in love with someone who is unavailable in one way or another, who doesn't seem to return my feelings as strongly, or who seems to want to pick me up on a whim. What I did was to start exploring myself and start questioning why I fall for people like this. Where is my self-esteem and sense of self-worth at if I'm head over heels for someone who treats me as a disposable object? This is something you could think on.
 
I agree with sparklepop's advice. In my situation, I don't think of it at all as playing games. It's more like I came to terms with the fact that he can't offer me much more. And it's my decision to accept what he can/wants to give or pass on it. If I was having the feelings you are about your partner, I think it's possible it would feel too unbalanced.
 
Sparklepop,

You made a lot of good points that I have been considering over the last few days, many of which I plan to do.

MC is actually quite organized. She goes through short phases of being able to see me 1-2 times a week which is what we both said we wanted and other longer phases of seeing me 0-2 times a month. When we hit a time when she cancels on me, makes new plans with me only to cancel again, I step back and wait for her to just let me know when she is available to hang out. I don't feel pushy. I try to accept all her reasons for cancelling. But this last time when she cancelled on me to do chores, I couldn't help be feel like she didn't really care about me as much as I thought.

The way she talks about our relationship is different than how she acts within it. She says she wants to spend more time with me, go on vacations with me, have sleepovers and dates, and hopes for a time that the me, her and her fiance can hang out together. The way she talks to me feels like I am a priority, but then she consistently has a reason not to see me. She will tell me that she misses me and wants to be with me and cuddle and such, ask if I can hang out on a certain day, on that day she will ask if we can meet later than we planned, then eventually cancels on me...

I know that some of those constraints is because she is engaged to a person who is not completely on board/ still adjusting to a polyamorous relationship. Triggered by the complicated feelings the fiance had because MC is seeing me, they started going to therapy and are slowly working through things.

For the last few days I have been trying to set up time for us to just talk on the phone to discuss some things I think will help me manage my expectations of the relationship. One of them is to ask that she not try to make plans with me unless she is 99% sure she will not have to cancel on me. I will ask that she also keep her fantasies about our relationship to herself because while they are nice to hear, I think they play a role in me building up expectations in the reality of our relationship. Another is definitely for myself to build a better social life, and maybe start dating more people to find someone who can meet those expectations instead of unrealistically seeking them in the relationship I have with her.

I think I need her to tell me point blank that I am not a priority, that she is mostly just interested in sex with me and if she's being satisfied at home then I probably won't see her for a while, ...just whatever is that matches how she treats me more often than not. I definitely have been placing her in a higher place, which she knows, and it is definitely a self defeating fantasy to be longing for more out of our relationship. I have been doing it for far to long and I am finally tired and ready to take real steps in overcoming it.

We actually do break up about once a year for a few months. In the moment we may think it is forever but we always get back together and the first bit of it always feels great...she makes time for me, commits to our date nights, dresses up, and treats me exactly how we talk about our relationship being. But we always get back to where we are now, making be feel like I should break up with her...but now I know it will be a temporary break, to cool off and focus on me. Maybe I need to accept that she can't be consistent throughout the year.

"Where is my self-esteem and sense of self-worth at if I'm head over heels for someone who treats me as a disposable object? " this is a very good question to keep thinking about. Thank you for your post, it feels very helpful.
 
Sparklepop,

You made a lot of good points that I have been considering over the last few days, many of which I plan to do.

MC is actually quite organized. She goes through short phases of being able to see me 1-2 times a week which is what we both said we wanted and other longer phases of seeing me 0-2 times a month. When we hit a time when she cancels on me, makes new plans with me only to cancel again, I step back and wait for her to just let me know when she is available to hang out. I don't feel pushy. I try to accept all her reasons for cancelling. But this last time when she cancelled on me to do chores, I couldn't help be feel like she didn't really care about me as much as I thought.

The way she talks about our relationship is different than how she acts within it. She says she wants to spend more time with me, go on vacations with me, have sleepovers and dates, and hopes for a time that the me, her and her fiance can hang out together. The way she talks to me feels like I am a priority, but then she consistently has a reason not to see me. She will tell me that she misses me and wants to be with me and cuddle and such, ask if I can hang out on a certain day, on that day she will ask if we can meet later than we planned, then eventually cancels on me...

I know that some of those constraints is because she is engaged to a person who is not completely on board/ still adjusting to a polyamorous relationship. Triggered by the complicated feelings the fiance had because MC is seeing me, they started going to therapy and are slowly working through things.

For the last few days I have been trying to set up time for us to just talk on the phone to discuss some things I think will help me manage my expectations of the relationship. One of them is to ask that she not try to make plans with me unless she is 99% sure she will not have to cancel on me. I will ask that she also keep her fantasies about our relationship to herself because while they are nice to hear, I think they play a role in me building up expectations in the reality of our relationship. Another is definitely for myself to build a better social life, and maybe start dating more people to find someone who can meet those expectations instead of unrealistically seeking them in the relationship I have with her.

I think I need her to tell me point blank that I am not a priority, that she is mostly just interested in sex with me and if she's being satisfied at home then I probably won't see her for a while, ...just whatever is that matches how she treats me more often than not. I definitely have been placing her in a higher place, which she knows, and it is definitely a self defeating fantasy to be longing for more out of our relationship. I have been doing it for far to long and I am finally tired and ready to take real steps in overcoming it.

We actually do break up about once a year for a few months. In the moment we may think it is forever but we always get back together and the first bit of it always feels great...she makes time for me, commits to our date nights, dresses up, and treats me exactly how we talk about our relationship being. But we always get back to where we are now, making be feel like I should break up with her...but now I know it will be a temporary break, to cool off and focus on me. Maybe I need to accept that she can't be consistent throughout the year.

"Where is my self-esteem and sense of self-worth at if I'm head over heels for someone who treats me as a disposable object? " this is a very good question to keep thinking about. Thank you for your post, it feels very helpful.
 
Triangle1 said:
... When we hit a time when she cancels on me, makes new plans with me only to cancel again, I step back and wait for her to just let me know when she is available to hang out. I don't feel pushy. I try to accept all her reasons for cancelling. But this last time when she cancelled on me to do chores, I couldn't help be feel like she didn't really care about me as much as I thought.
....The way she talks to me feels like I am a priority, but then she consistently has a reason not to see me. She will tell me that she misses me and wants to be with me and cuddle and such, ask if I can hang out on a certain day, on that day she will ask if we can meet later than we planned, then eventually cancels on me...
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Most of us learn the hard way (and hopefully when we are young) that this is commonly known as being treated like shit. People don't just end up with others who are ambivalent, they are attracted to others who reflect the conflicts within. As you gain experience, confidence and self respect, you will be drawn less and less to situations like this and they will eventually cease to hold any allure for you. The people we are with beautifully mirror our inner dramas.
 
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Best piece of advice my mom ever gave me as a teen and I started dating was this... Don't make someone a priority that views you as an option.
 
Re (from Triangle1):
"She says she wants to spend more time with me, go on vacations with me, have sleepovers and dates, and hopes for a time that me, her and her fiance can hang out together. The way she talks to me feels like I am a priority, but then she consistently has a reason not to see me."
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I want to note here that it takes much less effort to say something than it does to follow through with action on what was said. I would not count what she says (promises) as a plus in the relationship. :(
 
Dagferi said:
Best piece of advice my mom ever gave me as a teen and I started dating was this... Don't make someone a priority that views you as an option.
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This is excellent advise.

From MY standpoint, this doesn't mean that you have to dissolve the relationship entirely, but adjust your expectations, and if you can't, or aren't happy doing so, then that is on you to decide if it is worth it.

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WARNING - the rest of this post is very JaneQ-centric - and is meant as an illustration of one personality type and how it may manifest in relationships.

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BUT, I am coming from a much different place. I, personally, refuse to make anyone a priority just because they expect me to. (This applies just as much to friends and family as it does to romantic or sexual relationships.) I am an introvert (INTJ) and need a LOT of time away from people and obligations to recharge. I am very, very reluctant to make social plans - because I know that when the time comes I will have to "work up" the energy to go. While I like the "idea" of lots of different activities/etc., when it comes down to it it takes a HUGE effort on my part to commit to actually doing them.

The flip side - is when I am with someone (again, friends/family/lovers/partners) - I am WITH them 100%. I am actively engaged. My times spent with anyone tends to be infrequent but very intense. (Which may contribute to why I find social activities so exhausting.)

Does this limit my pool of potential friends/lovers/partners? Absolutely. Which is OK with me. My family - well, they are stuck with me, but have had a long time to figure out the balance - they socialize together. A few times a year I join them - we have a FANTASTIC time - then I withdraw to my hermit-cave for a few months.
 
I appreciate your response JaneQSmythe. I think it is the "easy" solution to break up. Though it crosses my mind, I was not thinking to do that yet. I certainly want to have a conversation with her...I think there are ways she can help me adjust my expectations. This is not to say she will always have to do them, but just here in the beginning to help get us on the same page. I have some ideas of what I can do on my own too. I try to stay away from this "all or nothing" mindset.. but if she is not willing to try these other things then it may be time for a break. I don't have to be a priority..she can do what she wants and I respect that she does. I just don't want to feel like I'm being strung along. The way she talks to me is misleading. If we can change that to match her actions, I think my relationship with her can be much easier.

We still have not had a chance to talk about it, but the more I think about it on my own, the more I feel like I'm already changing my expectations of our relationship. I've just been so drained from having these old expectations that aren't met. I am beyond ready to move past this.
 
This happened to me in an old relationship. If someone wants to be with you, they make you a priority. My boyfriend was full of wonderful words and was very affectionate when we were together. Week after week, however, he canceled on me and we wouldn't see each other. Then he'd finally meet up with me and make me think I was crazy for doubting his care for me. Having a journal here really hit home - I could see the canceled dates and unfulfilled promises.

You are not a priority for this lady. Adjust your expectations if you can, but trying to do that myself just left me feeling sad. The end of that relationship ended up being the healthiest thing for me.
 
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