Seeking Advice: Navigating My Wife’s Polyamorous Discovery

KWJMono

KWJMono

New member
I need advice on something that’s left me feeling deeply hurt, angry, and stuck. To keep things anonymous, I’m using alias names: I’m Kiara, my wife is Ali, and this involves two people, Mark and her ex, who I’ll refer to as “David-X.”

Ali and I have been together for 16 years, and for most of that time, we were incredibly happy in our monogamous marriage. Three years ago, Ali came out to me as polyamorous, and it has been a long and challenging road of discovery for both of us. I love her deeply and want to make our marriage work, but some of her actions feel like a betrayal—not just emotionally but morally—and it’s something we can’t stop arguing about.

The Context

A few years ago, Ali had an emotional affair with Mark, a married man she had known for 20 years. They met in person only twice (once in their 20s and again a few years ago as adults), and there was no physical contact. Despite this, the emotional connection hurt me deeply—and it devastated Mark’s wife when she found out. Due to their engagement, Mark left his wife for another person he had also known for 20 years.

Ali apologized sincerely for the emotional affair and even stayed in touch with Mark’s wife out of guilt, trying to help her move on. Mark’s wife is remarried now and feels everything worked out for the best. But for me, the hurt remains. It felt like a selfish and reckless engagement that caused unnecessary harm to me, Mark’s wife, and ultimately our marriage.

Now, as we navigate Ali’s polyamory, it feels like history is repeating itself. This time, the issue is David-X, Ali’s childhood friend and ex. He’s only ever been with two people—his ex-wife and Ali—and reconnecting with him has brought nothing but tension.

The Betrayal

After a lot of work over three years, I finally reached a point where I could accept dating other couples together. It took a huge mental shift for me to get comfortable with the idea that Ali would spend time with other people, even if we weren’t always doing things as a pair. We had rules and worked so hard to establish trust. Then, we agreed to a “don’t ask, don’t tell” (DADT) arrangement for a year to give us both space.

What does she do with that trust? She chooses to sleep with David-X—the one person I feared would cause damage to our marriage. To Ali, this was fine because of DADT. But to me, it felt like the ultimate betrayal. I don’t care about poly versus mono or her use of poly terminology to justify her actions. This isn’t about me being closed-minded—it’s about her making a deliberate choice to cross a line that was already a sore spot in our marriage.

I’ve told her repeatedly, “This isn’t about polyamory or monogamy. It’s about choosing to sleep with someone you knew was a source of tension for years. It’s like if I came out as gay and then slept with one of your married female friends or one of your best friends—it would be an intentional betrayal.”

The Arguments

Ali has a very different idea of morality, and she doesn’t feel like she did anything wrong. She keeps throwing poly terms at me, using scientific explanations, and telling me that I’m projecting my issues with my mom onto her. She says things like:

“You see everyone as amoral just because they don’t act or think like you. That’s exactly what your mom does to you. And it’s painful that you can’t see that and intentionally do that to me.”

This argument about me “being just like my mom” is a low blow. Yes, my coming out as gay caused major conflicts with my mom, but this has nothing to do with that. I told Ali, “Just because I came out of the closet doesn’t mean I would do something like sleep with a woman that would piss off my mom—like one of her married friends. Or one of her best friends.”

I worked so hard to get to a place where I could even entertain the idea of dating others, only for her to take that trust and sleep with the one person she knew would hurt me the most. It makes me feel like all the progress we’ve made was for nothing.

My Struggle

I’m at my wit’s end. I want to support Ali and understand her poly needs, but I feel like she isn’t respecting mine. Her actions with David-X feel immoral and thoughtless. It’s become a constant argument now, with her insisting I’m overreacting and me feeling like I can’t trust her judgment anymore.

I’m angry even writing this because I don’t know how to move past it. I feel like I’m being gaslit with poly terminology, and instead of taking accountability for how her actions hurt me, she’s deflecting and comparing me to my mom. Am I wrong to feel this way? How do I work through this anger when it feels like everything we’ve built is crumbling?

We are looking for a therapist. My wife wants a Poly therapist. I agree in hopes that this Poly therapist would see insight and I don't know be like yeah.. the ex was not a good idea. I know that is selfish and looking for confirmation bias.. but.. if remove poly and mono.. what is it?


Thank you for listening, and I’d appreciate any advice or insights from this community.
 
Okay, so Ali's now had two affairs.

And diminishing your pain by referencing your mom.

Why are you letting yourself be treated like this?
 
I’m trying to understand her and stay open-minded. Coming from the LGBTQ community, I know relationships can take many forms, and I’ve been working hard to see her perspective. I agreed to couples’ therapy because I want to understand her better, but when I take it out of the poly versus mono context, it still feels like a betrayal to me.

I’ve blocked her close friends because I feel angry and distrustful of the people she’s grown close to, and I know this has caused even more tension. She says I’m villainizing her, her community, and her friends, and maybe I am. In the heat of the moment, it’s hard not to feel like polyamory is a “license to cheat,” even though I know that’s unfair to the poly community. Those thoughts just hit hard when I’m upset.

She says her relationship with her ex doesn’t have to be sexual, but she won’t end the friendship, which feels like leaving the door open. I’ve told her that as long as he or anyone else she prioritizes over me is in the picture, I’ll always feel like I have one foot in and one foot out of this marriage.

I’m staying focused on building our business because it’s supposed to provide financial freedom for both of us. I promised her mom I’d take care of her daughter, and I want to honor that. Her. mom passed Dec 2023 and broke both of us. We grieve together. But this situation is exhausting, and it’s taking everything I have not to revert to survival mode and just run.
 
DADT - she said we never said not to sleep with exes. I feel like I have to be super detailed like working with contractors. ex: 6 floating shelves. They paint 4 shelves black, I assume they will paint all 6 floating shelves, because I said paint the floating shelves black.

I have to be clear, don't sleep with your exes: David-X, Mark-X, Tom-X, Sherry-X, and especially David-X, because he is mono. He's not poly. He doesn't have another solid relationship like the couples we are exploring.

I have to be specific, no sleepovers, because you leave me behind. Do your potential partners that have partners (wives, fiancées, girlfriends) know they are actually dating you, or is it another Mark situation? She says they are on DADT, but she is just going by the potential partner's response. She doesn't know, because DADT.

I'm comfortable with the couples, because I can see their action of loving and respecting each other and everything is in the open. And she grimaces. They are swingers, not poly.

I'm trying to accept, maybe it is more of her needing a boy toy. 🍆

But it is clear she needs the relationship connection. She has said she needs the relationship connection. Fine, but does it really have to be an ex?
 
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Polyamory is having multiple loving relationships with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

It is a skill set just as much as it is an orientation, if not moreso as the mono person has to have a bunch of skills too. So while you are not dating anyone yourself, you are practicing polyamory by being the wife of someone who is practicing polyamory.

If your still this unhappy after three years because Ali is dating people you are really adamant are too painful for you, then how is she being a loving partner towards you?

You seem stuck between a rock and a hard place...your promises and business venture, and being desperately unhappy with Ali's choices of people she wants in her life, and how this feels simply disrespectful to you.
 
The first two years were all conversations, no action except for the emotional affair and the process of forgiveness. By 2024, we activated DADT for a whole year. I agreed because I needed to focus on building the company, not on poly, and honestly, it felt like an escape for me, due to my dismissive attachment style. My priority has always been creating a business that brings us financial freedom and allows me to help others enjoy work-life balance, including myself. I told her to go ahead—be poly, enjoy—but I never thought that would include her ex.

When I confronted her, she said, “We never said no exes, and it’s under DADT,” as if that made it law. I told her it might hurt less, or I might even be okay with it, if we'd been separated or broken up. Her poly friends agreed that it was all under DADT. That just pissed me off more.

Plenty of people break up and then sleep with their exes, but at least they aren’t still married, or it is clear they have separated. We are still together, and still in love. We’re married, working on this together, dating other couples to explore this as a team. Somehow, she saw that as a right of passage to sleep with her ex. I still feel like this was deeply unfair and doesn’t represent what ethical poly behavior should look like.
 
Many poly people have what we call a "messy list," where we request our partner(s) to not date and/or have sex with certain people, e.g., our close relatives, our best friend(s), our kid's teacher, our boss, maybe even their own coworkers.

I am not sure why Ali's exes are on your messy list. Or is it this particular ex? Sometimes (poly or not) we give a relationship another try under different circumstances. Did this ex, David, do a lot of damage the first time around? Was he someone Ali dated before she ever met/dated you? Does he treat you personally badly or disrespectfully, or are you afraid he'll treat Ali badly, and you want to protect her?

To be honest, DADT policies, hierarchical polyamory, and only dating other couples as a couple, are becoming less popular in poly circles, as evidenced by trends we see here. Too many rules seem to just be made to be broken.

You can make requests of your partner, and negotiate agreements, and create personal boundaries, but sometimes couples just don't see eye to eye.

Also, poly people can cheat (not that I am declaring Ali is a cheater; I don't understand your situation fully), just as mono people can cheat. Polyamory is not a "license to cheat." You're either a person of your word, or not. You two may no longer be compatible. You may have grown apart in how you want to live your lives. And that's okay. I am divorced and re-partnered myself, and happy about it.

I hope your poly-friendly therapist can help you two sort it out. Three years of fighting over how to poly is a long time.
 
David is a childhood love of my wife’s, and they’ve stayed in touch over the years—even attending our wedding. To me, this was always a friendship, purely platonic. He was married for about 18 years and recently divorced. They dated briefly as children before his marriage, which turned out to be loveless. My wife, a therapist, often attracts men seeking emotional comfort, and they inevitably develop feelings for her. David is no different. He even confessed his love for her in front of me while intoxicated. That moment hurt deeply—another betrayal after she had already prioritized him during his divorce and custody issues, often at my expense.

What hurts more is how much emotional energy she devotes to him and his children, especially during trips to California. When my mother-in-law was sick, my wife asked David to check on her. He refused, citing excuses about his tech startup, while chosen family members dropped everything, even crucial exam prep, to help. I don’t see David as chosen family; he doesn’t show up when it matters. Yet my wife considers him one, leaving me feeling sidelined. Then came the ultimate betrayal—using DADT as an excuse to sleep with him. I was fine with her exploring with someone new in a solid marriage where boundaries were clear, but David is a trigger because of the emotional affair with Mark in the first year of our journey. Mark, also in a loveless marriage, was another case of late-night texts, secrecy, and blurred boundaries that ended with him cheating on his wife.

As a queer woman, I know I don’t have the 🍆 and maybe after 16 years, my wife wants more or misses that part of her sex life. I’ve always told her I can’t keep a lion in a cage, and I do see her as a lion. But I can’t stand by and watch her prioritize mono exes over me, especially in a way that makes me feel like I’m not the ultimate primary person in her life. I love her deeply, but I’m also a runner when it comes to complexity and drama. I want to support her in exploring who she is, but not at the expense of my trust, my boundaries, or our marriage.

Now there’s Dan, supposedly in a solid marriage, and his wife is on a DADT agreement. This could break the pattern, but I don’t trust it. How can I? With DADT, my wife wouldn’t even know if Dan’s marriage is as solid as he claims—it could very well be another Mark situation. I’m aware this sounds controlling, but I’ve set boundaries like no sleepovers to prevent anything beyond friends with benefits. I understand that no one person can be 100%, and if we’re 80%, she might seek the other 20% elsewhere. I’ve tried to be okay with that, but I can’t endure another heartbreak or betrayal disguised as ethical non-monogamy.

Yeah, I think we’re crazy in love with each other, but I also believe we want different things. If I’m being honest, I’d rather be single. I’ve come to appreciate the idea of being single, though that wasn’t the case 16 years ago. Back then, I never thought I’d get married or find a life partner, and I recognize now that was due to my own trauma. But I’ve learned that I can be loved—I’ve experienced it. So, if this goes south, I’m not interested in getting married again or even pursuing a serious relationship.

I think I’d prefer a life of solitude, like her mom. I could go to the theater by myself, hang out with friends when I’m available, and not need constant attention. I don’t need to see anyone daily except my wife. She’s the only person I’d ever want to spend that much time with. I could see a friend once a week or every other week, and that would be enough for me. But with her, I always want more, I want to be included in her adventures, that's why I don't mind the couple dating. This is still very new to me. We only went out with one couple. We see them once a year. For me that is perfect. For my wife it is not. She needs more intimacy, connection. She needs more, I need less.
 
It has been 2.5 weeks since I found out about the ex. She told me on a MDMA trip.. which we like to do so we can talk and I can be calm. But 3 days later, I was livid. Extremely angry. Like out of all the experiences, all the men.. the moment I say go be u.. do u.. you choose your ex.. the person that I already had such issues with and sure insecurities about.. her sleeping with him was not my insecurities, it was just the truth. A black woman with hindsight as it is said.. Family Guy Joke: Black Woman with Hindsight.

 
It sounds to me like you are monogamous and want to be in a monogamous relationship. You are doing poly just to stay with your wife. You wouldn't choose poly for yourself or if you weren't with her. I've never seen where this incompatibility worked.

When things got really hard,you chose DADT. In my opinion, that's the choice of a sinking ship. The foundation of a relationship is trust. To maintain trust you must be open and honest to your partner. When you add DADT to your relationship it then becomes about hiding things from your partner, lying to them about what you are doing and who you are with. In my opinion, DADT lets your partner do what she wants as long as she hides it and lies about it. Apparently she didn't do a good job with the DADT and now you all are facing the consequences.

I know you want this marriage to work, but you are no longer compatible. You've tried for 3 years and have made little headway in detangling, although I'm not sure you've tried or even know what that is-- the most skipped step. You will need to deconstruct the monogamous programming and change everything you know about how relationships work. You have to learn not to try to control her, to let her go and live her life on her terms and still love her for it.

Changing a relationship to polyamorous one involves ending your current relationship and creating a new one with poly agreements. I don't think you did that. Instead you are holding onto monogamous ideals which are not compatible with polyamory.

As long as you want to control your partner with rules, you will have much difficulty, as polyamory requires autonomy. Even if you have hierarchy in your relationship, there HAS to be autonomy, her autonomy to date who she wants and to choose to prioritize you. If she doesn't choose to do that, then you can choose to leave.

See the poly therapist and see if detangling is something they can help you with. Whatever you do, don't wait another 3 years of pain before deciding to leave. You have a lot of life left to enjoy. Go enjoy it with someone who wants the same things you do.
 
I'm not sure I can give you the advice you want, because you say it's not a poly vs mono issue, but to me, it sounds very much like a poly vs mono issue.

You are so deeply mono that it has taken you three years to get comfortable with the idea of swinging with another couple once a year, which isn't even anything close to polyamory, where someone is free to have more than one loving relationship on their own.

To me, it sounds like, although you say you want Ali to be able to be her poly self and not be kept like a lion in cage, in actuality you don't want Ali to have emotional romantic connections or outside relationships with anyone else.

I understand that her emotional affair with Mark was a betrayal to you and to Mark's wife. But sounds like, for Mark, it was the spark he needed to realize he wanted to leave his marriage (for someone totally other than Ali). Even Mark's ex-wife has moved on, found a better partner for herself, and thinks everything worked out for the best. Ali seems to have felt remorseful for her role and tried to atone with Mark's ex-wife. But you still hold it against Ali and view her as selfish and untrustworthy.

If she is actually selfish and untrustworthy, why do you stay married to her? If she's NOT selfish and untrustworthy--if she is merely a person who is inherently non-monogamous/poly and who made a mistake with her feelings and behavior and has resolved to do better--then you can't keep holding it against her.

With David, I am not understanding why this was a betrayal. David was divorced at that point, not cheating on anyone. I can understand that if he is mono himself, his relationship with Ali could feel like a threat to you, if he wanted Ali to leave you. But, you're also mono and you support Ali being poly. Some poly people do have two mono partners.

The tough thing about DADT arrangements is that they almost always result in the two members of the couple having WILDLY different expectations about what is covered under DADT. But because they don't voice those rules or talk openly about who they are dating (because it's DADT!), no one finds out until it's too late. And then it's a disaster.

Was the problem with David that he was already in your life and Ali's life as a friend, but you were always uncomfortable with him, didn't like him, etc.? You felt Ali gave him too much attention and he gave her too little energy back, while also drunkenly blurting his feelings for her. That sounds annoying. That's why some poly people practice "parallel poly" where the two metamours (the two people who are dating the same person) don't interact with each other. They might find each other annoying, but the "hinge" person has the freedom to date both people.

I don't really understand your interpretation of Ali's behavior as a huge betrayal. It sounds to me like you are abjectly miserable being in a poly marriage and would prefer monogamy. You are going to keep holding things against Ali because you simply don't want polyamory.

You have a right to prefer monogamy. Most people are mono. But you may not be able to stay married to a poly person if what you truly want is monogamy.
 
The community is making some really good points, but I’m sitting with a lot of anger right now, and I can’t seem to let go of what I see as betrayal. The reality is, I am monogamous, and she is poly. We’re just different. I thought opening the marriage to couples would help bridge that gap, and while it’s fun and we’ve had good times, the truth is I’m only doing it for her. I don’t care enough about these couples to grow friendships with them, which puts me more in the swinger category, I suppose. I just don’t have the bandwidth to deal with multiple relationships or even new people in general. That's what I love about the couple we see once a year. We have seen them twice. We hang out for few hours, and at daybreak they leave and go take care of their kids. Then I have time with my wife alone, still feeling the hype energy of play time.

The fact that she won’t let go of her ex and insists on keeping him as a friend—while also having the potential to connect deeply with someone else, or even have a boyfriend or girlfriend on the side—creates so much anger in me. I don’t want her to have a boyfriend or girlfriend on the side. It’s not who I am, and it’s not what I signed up for. Granted, the timing of her coming out was so close to her mom being diagnosed with a chronic illness. It got worse. Last year, right before our first couple interaction, she passed. Two weeks later or so, we saw the couple. I figured this is what she needs. I need to be more open-minded. I love that they are busy people, so why not?

She might be right when she says I’m like my mom with the anger, but I’m not an angry person by nature. I'm not sleeping, I am just working through my pain like everything else that triggers grief. Whether it is losing a family member to death, losing a job, breakups, I work and become very productive. This time, I am not so strong. Look at me. I am on polyamory.com, consumed by this, because I love my wife. I am already grieving that this is most likely going to end. 16 years... bliss until now...

Maybe the community is right—this marriage might not work, at the end of the day. I don’t want to share my wife. And I could see myself going back to being single, focusing on my own life and issues instead of dealing with both hers and mine.

She wants me to meet a couple this weekend, and I’m torn. Part of me says, “Fine, I’ll meet them,” but my first thought is, “Why?” The only reason I’d want to meet them is to make sure they’re safe—and it helps that they’re attractive. And I did say on our "trip", I would love to meet the people you are connecting with because maybe it will be ok. Maybe there will be chemistry, and we can see them once every few months, but that’s not what she wants. She wants more interaction, more connection. And that’s where we keep clashing.

Thank you all for the support to this mono species. I gave wife this post for full transparency, and if she reads it, great, if she doesn't, also fine. And hopefully the poly-therapist can help us. But like I said, I am quite dismissive attachment style, which means I will leave and let her be free if it gives her and me a greater chance with more happiness. I think if we stay in this, we are going to just clash more and it will get to a point of just hate and toxicity. Neither one of us is like that naturally.
 
I'm sorry this is happening like this. I hope you feel a bit better for telling your story.

I don't know if this will help you any, but this is what sticks out to me.

What does she do with that trust? She chooses to sleep with David-X, the one person I feared would cause damage to our marriage. To Ali, this was fine because of DADT. But to me, it felt like the ultimate betrayal. I don’t care about poly versus mono, or her use of poly terminology to justify her actions. This isn’t about me being closed-minded, it’s about her making a deliberate choice to cross a line that was already a sore spot in our marriage.
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In your DADT agreements for a year, were the messy people spelled out-- like no taking up with David, your boss, your parents, your best friend? Or was it not made explicit and you were relying on her to just "know" which ones were problematic?

Ali has a very different idea of morality, and she doesn’t feel like she did anything wrong. She keeps throwing poly terms at me, using scientific explanations, and telling me that I’m projecting my issues with my mom onto her.
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Is this DARVO: deny, attack, reverse victim and offender, where she flips it around on you?

DADT-- she said we never said not to sleep with exes. I feel like I have to be super detailed like working with contractors. Ex: 6 floating shelves-- they paint 4 shelves black. I assume they will paint all 6 shelves, because I said to paint the shelves black.
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Is this like getting off on a technicality? She does "lawyer speak" to skate and avoid taking personal responsibility for how her behavior choices affect others?

I worked so hard to get to a place where I could even entertain the idea of dating others, only for her to take that trust and sleep with the one person she knew would hurt me the most. It makes me feel like all the progress we’ve made was for nothing.
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So basically all people hurt you, but her dating David hurt you the MOST? You were willing to be hurt to keep going with Ali, just not this "big?" Is there a way to not be hurt at all?

I'm kind of wondering why put yourself through this. If you prefer monogamy, there's nothing wrong with that. It's just that you and Ali are no longer compatible, because you want monogamy and she wants polyamory.

Or... you would be willing to practice polyamory, just not how Ali does it?

Or... you could do "once in a blue moon," like mostly monogamy, but once a year you go to a sex party or something for "one and done"? That's one form of non-monogamy, but it is NOT polyamory.

The reality is, I am monogamous, and she is poly. We’re just different. I thought opening the marriage to couples would help bridge that gap... while it was fun and we had good times, the truth is I’m only doing it for her.
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That's casual group sex, not polyamory. And doing this only for her, when she wants polyamory, is mismatched, not something you really should be doing. You should do casual group sex because YOU like it, not "for" Ali (or anyone else).

Just because you were compatible for monogamy for a time doesn't mean you are automatically compatible for poly. People have different dating styles.

I told her it might hurt less—or I might even be okay with it—if we were separated or broken up.
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So, will you be taking this approach next, where you break up or do a trial separation, so she can do her thing and you do yours?

There have been two emotional affairs already. SOMETHING has to change here.

We’re married, working on this together, dating other couples to explore this as a team.
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If you mean, "I can date on my side; you can date on your side; we are exploring this as a team," that might be ok, because you'd each be in charge of your own separate dating lives. If you mean, "We only date other couples together," that's not ok. It's a recipe for a mess. Triads and quads are among the hardest poly models. They might work for you as "one and done" group sex, where the people go home as their "original couples," and there's nothing straining there. But for long-term dating, people will find they want to spend time in dyads, and some will click more than others, so it will stop feeling like "we are doing this together" and more like "you are each doing your own things."

Additionally, group sex is not a requirement in polyamory. Some people want both. Some want only group sex, and no poly. Others want poly only, and no group sex.

I don’t want her to have a boyfriend or girlfriend on the side. It’s not who I am, and it’s not what I signed up for.
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You and Ali signed up for one kind of deal. If she wants to change it now, she can. But you do not have to automatically sign up for the New Deal. Just like you can't make her stick with the Old Deal if she doesn't want that anymore, she can't make you sign up for a New Deal if you don't want that.

I think we’re crazy in love with each other, but I also believe we want different things. If I’m being honest, I’d rather be single.
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So maybe it's time to call it, and be single for a while.

I am already grieving that this is most likely going to end. 16 years... bliss until now...
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It sounds like you see the writing the wall but are struggling with anticipatory grief. In case this helps you:


www.scarleteen.com

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don’t know how to work through, or don’t even know if you should? We’ll talk you through making these choices, including how-to’s on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.
www.scarleteen.com www.scarleteen.com

If you want to talk to a different poly counselor about poly-breakup grief and your grief over the emotional affairs, like one for individual counseling for you, and a different one for couples counseling:

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory
www.polyfriendly.org


I could see myself going back to being single, focusing on my own life and issues instead of dealing with both hers and mine. She wants me to meet a couple this weekend, and I’m torn. Part of me says, “Fine, I’ll meet them,” but my first thought is, “Why?”
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You could tell her to go on her own. And you could spend the weekend on your own, try on being "single" for a few days, enjoy the peace and quiet and not having to deal with people.

Galagirl
 
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I am coming in here late, but reading the original post I think that Ali is being very emotionally manipulative, and as you said taking low blows to bring in sore topics like your mom, to throw you off balance. She is also trying to argue logically on an emotional issue. She is attacking you, the victim, from many angles for being hurt because of what she did, and for you having valid feelings.

By breaking your agreements Ali has chosen to break this relationship. She can argue until she's blue in the face but that's the bottom line.

Now your choice is what to do about it. And that is where your power lies.
 
Hello Kiara,

I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds painful. It seems clear to me that you and Ali are not on the same page when it comes to poly. You believe it should be one way, she believes it's the other way. You want obvious morality to dictate her actions, she is determined to only adhere to the rules you explicitly lay out. All of this adds up to a painful situation for you. I'm sorry you're going through that.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Yeah, she decided to pause all external activities until we both see the poly therapist, and I’m committing time to study PolySecure by Jessica Fern. We’ve started listening to it together, which has been helpful. I find myself needing to constantly repeat certain chapters so I can pause my own thoughts of judgment and really take in what Jessica is trying to convey. Of course, there are parts I don’t agree with, but at least now I understand the reasoning behind my thoughts and can better convey them to my wife.

It’s painful to go through this, but we’re a lot calmer now and trying to compromise on our needs while recognizing our insecurities. At least we’re communicating better—much better than the rage-filled arguments we had before, which felt like complete blindness. This will be a work in progress, and I know I’ll need to grieve the old version of our marriage to give this new way of being a fair chance.

As for her ex—her childhood love, who is also mono—she’s committed to keeping him as a friend, completely platonic. She’s expressed that she doesn’t need or want a sexual relationship with him. One time was enough for her to know where she stands. Their friendship is important to her as an immigrant to the U.S. He’s her only connection to her childhood, as they both share the immigrant child experience from China. I can understand how that bond, especially tied to memories of her mom, is something she wants to hold on to. As a military child, I moved every few years, so I don’t share that same experience of holding on to a childhood connection. But I can acknowledge the comfort she finds in it, especially after the loss of her mom—it’s been one year since her passing, and I know grief can make you seek out familiar things.

It’s a journey for us both, and I’m trying to meet her where she is while staying true to myself.
 
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It sounds like things are better, just a little better. I am glad to hear it.
 
It sounds like things are calmer now and you both are making some progress.

One thing that stands out to me is that you seem to be trying hard to come up with reasons for Ali's friendship/connection to David (childhood friend/ex) that you can understand and relate to. But to me it seems like you are missing the point: poly people are people for whom it feels natural to develop multiple deeply emotional connections, often beyond the bounds of normal friendship, in a way that mono people don't.

Of course mono people can and do have many deep emotional friendships. But a mono person is likely to save their deepest emotional intimacy and closeness and care for one romantic partner. Because we live in a mono-normative society, we grow up thinking that's the correct and expected way to love; so, a poly person might try to live monogamous because they don't know any alternatives, or because they fall in love with a mono person and really want to be with them.

Many poly people feel that they are just orientated to experience love and connection in a different way. Before ever hearing any poly terminology, they might just go through life having friendships that blur the boundaries of platonic/romantic, and/or friendships that interfere in their attempts to be monogamous, without understanding why. Lifelong friendships with exes, for example, or friends that they have attraction even if it's never acted on. This type of connection can feel very natural and normal to a poly person.

There are different reasons and ways to be poly, and not all poly feel that way, but to me it sounds like Ali does have that kind of experience. Whereas for you, that kind of experience is foreign and seems in opposition to a romantic relationship.

Sure, it makes sense that Ali's connection to David is important to her because of their shared immigrant past and maybe because she's grieving her mom. Those would be good reasons not to force her to give up her connection to David.

But underlying it is a fundamental truth that Ali has been trying to explain to you: she experiences love differently than you do and she needs more intimate connections in her life than you do. Multiple intimate friendships will develop naturally for her whether she is "allowed" to have them or not.

I'm glad you are reading/listening to a book about poly relationships. In past arguments, you were angry and felt like Ali was throwing around poly terminology to justify her behavior, but I think she was trying to explain her feelings and experiences. Poly terminology was created because it reflects experiences that a lot of poly people had in common but did not have the language to articulate.
 
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