Seeking support when starting out

ChikoRollz

ChikoRollz

New member
Hi Everyone,

This is my first post here. I’ve been reading along for a little while, and really love what a supportive community this is.

I’ve been in a monogamous marriage for 14 years (F/M). I’m bisexual. I developed feelings for a friend a couple of years ago, discussed them with my husband, and we opened the marriage for me to explore them. However, she wasn’t interested and so it was a non-event. All good.

My desire to explore my sexuality with women did not abate, so I discussed this with my husband and we agreed that I could look for someone to explore these feelings with via the apps. I’ve been on a few low-key dates that haven’t led to anything happening, but I’ve now met a woman who I think things may progress with.

Here’s why I’m seeking your support. I’m really nervous and excited at the same time, for when it does. I'm nervous about my marriage and my internal concept of my marriage changing, because I’ll be with someone other than my husband. And I'm excited to finally be truthfully expressing myself, with my husband’s support. I guess this is what a crumbling monogamous internal structure feels like!

Any stories or ideas you can share with me, please, to help calm my nerves, so I can just lean in and enjoy?!

Thank you. 🙏🏻
 
ChikoRollz said:
Hi Everyone,

This is my first post here. I’ve been reading along for a little while, and really love what a supportive community this is.

I’ve been in a monogamous marriage for 14 years (F/M). I’m bisexual. I developed feelings for a friend a couple of years ago, discussed them with my husband, and we opened the marriage for me to explore them. However, she wasn’t interested and so it was a non-event. All good.

My desire to explore my sexuality with women did not abate, so I discussed this with my husband and we agreed that I could look for someone to explore these feelings with via the apps. I’ve been on a few low-key dates that haven’t led to anything happening, but I’ve now met a woman who I think things may progress with.

Here’s why I’m seeking your support. I’m really nervous and excited at the same time, for when it does. I'm nervous about my marriage and my internal concept of my marriage changing, because I’ll be with someone other than my husband. And I'm excited to finally be truthfully expressing myself, with my husband’s support. I guess this is what a crumbling monogamous internal structure feels like!

Any stories or ideas you can share with me, please, to help calm my nerves, so I can just lean in and enjoy?!

Thank you. 🙏🏻
Click to expand...
I suggest getting a copy of the book Opening Up. It sounds like you haven't done any research into what doing poly relationships is like. There are specific skills to learn. Your main job will be to be a good hinge in your V. As the fulcrum of 2 relationships, it's up to you to balance everything. Here are a few very basic things to consider:

1. Hone up on your "non-violent communication" skills. There are books specifically on this topic.
2. Don't get carried away by your new relationship energy (NRE) and neglect dating your husband.
3. Consider where you will be meeting your new interest for dates and sex. At her place? At yours?
4. Consider how often you will see her, and even how often you will text her in between dates.
5. Don't share TMI with Husband. He doesn't need to hear any details, other than that you're practicing safer sex. Also, to protect her right to privacy, don't share intimate details of dates with her with Hubby, no matter how curious he is, without her permission.
 
I had a lot of sensations in my body, feelings that came up for a while. I had to really unpack them and figure out where they came from. I had feelings from internalized slut shaming, and lots of feelings from monogamous programming. Three years in, I still get hit with new ones regarding monogamous programming.

There were lots of feelings regarding commitment violation, even though we were talking every day about it and he was totally supportive. Some were about the change in our relationship. Although positive, it was a change. I had to grieve the relationship before we moved forward with the new dynamic. This happened several times, as growth happened and new experiences were had.

I loved the new relationship I had, and enjoyed every minute with the person, but felt shame on my way home every time, at first. I needed time alone to process before reconnecting with my long-term partner.

Just be prepared to feel things you are unprepared to feel. Things will randomly pop up and you'll need to work through them.

Above all, know that it does get easier, with time, as you grow.
ChikoRollz said:
I'm nervous about my marriage and my internal concept of my marriage changing, because I’ll be with someone other them my husband
Click to expand...
This is valid and will happen, but it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. The more open and transparent I was with my partner, and the more I was supported, the stronger our relationship became. The trust and intimacy are on an entirely different plane now.

That being said, it depends on the people involved, how healthy their communication is, how willing BOTH of them are to be fully transparent with feelings and working through them, not just dumping them on their partner, or making their partner responsible for making them feel better. It will take work for both you and your husband, even if he doesn't feel jealousy.
ChikoRollz said:
And I'm excited to finally be truthfully expressing myself, with my husband’s support
Click to expand...
This will be very freeing indeed!
ChikoRollz said:
I guess this is what crumbling monogamous internal structures feels like!
Click to expand...
Yep. It's terrifying and wonderful at the same time.
ChikoRollz said:
to help calm my nerves, so I can just lean in and enjoy
Click to expand...
I'm not sure anything said here could calm those, but still, try to lean in and enjoy.

Learn about poly. Read and discuss lots of books with hubby. What you think about what you read will be different now than in two months, one year, three years from now. So never stop discussing.

Listen to podcasts. I love Multiamory. Start at the beginning, as those episodes have the foundation skills in them.

And if you need to, find a good poly-friendly counselor. They can be helpful for you, individually and as a couple.
 
Welcome.

Since you asked for ideas to think about, here are some. I'll leave it to you to determine what applies to your situation.

Opening Up has a lot of worksheets in it. You can read it free online.

archive.org

Opening up : a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships : Taormino, Tristan, 1971- : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive​



The worksheets are also here:

Wayback Machine
Self Evaluation

Wayback Machine
Creating Authentic Relationships

Wayback Machine
Reflecting on Change

Wayback Machine
Open Relationship Checklist

It's kind of hard to suggest things other than that, because I don't know what you are seeking.
  • Do you mostly want to be monogamous with your husband, but able to have casual sex on the side, sometimes?
  • Do you want to have a full-on poly girlfriend, or a full-on poly boyfriend? (You mentioned that you are bisexual. I see you want to explore with women, but it's possible a guy might catch your eye. Talk it all out with husband.)
  • Do you want to explore swinging? Kink?
  • A combo of various types of non-monogamy?
  • What if he also wants to date? What would he be seeking?
  • What are the dealbreakers?

Other things to talk out might include:
  • Can it be a series of openings, not just jumping into full-on sex?
  • Is this woman okay with it being just a one-time casual-sex encounter?
  • What are the safer sex items you'd use (dental dams, gloves, condoms)? What about sex labs?
  • Budget-- how do you pay for your dates? Do you and spouse already have separate personal checking accounts?
  • How would this end well? What would that look like? How would you aim to land there?
  • How would this end poorly? What would that look like? How would you avoid landing there? Even if you are not seeking poly, you might want to read poly hell. Sometimes the NRE is for a person, but other times it is for the IDEA of new nonmonogamy practices, and you get all excited about that. Sometimes it's both.
  • How will this experience change you and your husband, and how you see each other? If this woman is going to stick around for a while, how will it change her?
  • How will you and your husband deal with the loss of your "old relationship"? You two are ending it on purpose, in favor of starting a NEW relationship shape. The grief might catch you by surprise if you don't realize that is what is happening here. The "old normal" is gone; the "new normal" is not here yet, and things feel destabilized and weird. Even though that is normal in a transition time, now what? How do you cope?
How you handle a one-time casual-sex encounter, like a "one and done," is very different from dealing with a regular poly GF. A one-time encounter is about meeting the person, having some "get to know you" dates for a vibes check, and if you two decide to share sex, you talk about safer-sex practices, the logistics of the sex date, and how to say a polite goodbye. The relationship menu isn't really gonna be a thing there, because it's so short term. But in a longer-term relationship, going over that might be helpful.

HTH!
Galagirl
 
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ChikoRollz said:
I'm nervous about my marriage and my internal concept of my marriage changing, because I’ll be with someone other than my husband. And I'm excited to finally be truthfully expressing myself, with my husband’s support. I guess this is what crumbling monogamous internal structures feels like!
Click to expand...
I relate to this. I still feel a sense of loss for my old, heteronormative, monogamous marriage, and a sense of loss for the image I had of who my wife was. Over twenty years, I never looked at another woman. Then one day my wife told me she had feelings for her friend, and asked if I would consider us all being together. It was a big shock, and I struggled, but I decided to choose to let her pursue something that made her happy. I feel so strange sometimes, but all things considered, it has brought us much shared happiness and the house is a warmer, better place.
 
Hello ChikoRollz,

Your marriage will definitely change with the advent of polyamory, you will start a new kind of marriage. You must prepare for that. It's scary but I think it's worth it. With all the new beginnings you are experiencing, it's no wonder your heart is all a-flutter. You kind of need to get a few of those new things behind you before your nerves will calm. A relationship is a risk and this is actually two new relationships for you, the one with the new woman, and the new one with your husband. Hang on tight, this is a wild ride!

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
ChikoRollz said:
I’ve been in a monogamous marriage for 14 years (F/M). I’m bisexual. I developed feelings for a friend a couple of years ago, discussed them with my husband, and we opened the marriage for me to explore them.
Click to expand...

Does your husband have no desire or time? Does he lack confidence? In my opinion, one side remaining mono increases the level of difficulty and thus, the failure rate. Are you going to be okay with the shoe being on the other foot when it’s his turn?
 
Wow. Thank you, everyone. So many things to read and think about and process. I’m very grateful. I appreciate your perspectives and the information you shared. I’m glad to not feel alone, in a vacuum, working all of this out.
 
I'm glad if I could be of some help.
 
are moving in together, which is not a problem, but he has said it's going to make our communication more difficult. I'm not feeling happy about this. I am fully aware he has another partner. I respect their time fully, but I just think that our time will be determined by when he has spare few minutes nipping to the shops or late at night when the other partner is sleeping. I don't know what to do.

To me, that’s a red flag. Yes, he might not be able to answer you 24/7 but he should have plenty of time that’s not quality time with her. He can set aside time daily for you. If he can’t, then there’s a problem.

I would ask to meet and talk with her. That’s all he needs to know. If he says “no” then break up with him because he’s cheating. Even a story that she doesnt want to meet partners is enough to say goodbye.

Polyamory means all parties know and consent. Until you meet her and talk enough to know it’s her and not a stand in, and she says enthusiastically that they are poly and he can happily date whomever he wants, consent cannot be given
 
monoinpoly said:
I recently started speaking to a guy. We clicked instantly. After a week, he informed me that he was in a polyamorous relationship. I'd never heard of this. I'm monogamous, so it was a lot to get my head around. The problem was that I really fell for him and he said he fell too.

I didn't want to end it. He didn't live with this other partner so it worked for me, the quality time aspect of it, as we are long distance, so phone calls/video calls are all we have, mostly.

Fast forward a month, feelings have grown and he has now asked me to be his girlfriend. But now he and the other partner are moving in together, which is not a problem, but he has said it's going to make our communication more difficult. I'm not feeling happy about this. I am fully aware he has another partner. I respect their time fully, but I just think that our time will be determined by when he has spare few minutes nipping to the shops or late at night when the other partner is sleeping. I don't know what to do.
Click to expand...
Next time, please start a new thread instead of hijacking another.
 
monoinpoly said:
He said me and her won't ever meet or speak.
Click to expand...
This can be fine in poly relationships, when the two partners of one person don't meet. It's called parallel poly. This can be preferred for several reasons. I don't care to meet my partner's new dating partners until they've been seeing each other a while and they seem to be a solid thing. There's no reason for me to meet his new dating partners, since most first dates don't lead to ongoing relationships.
monoinpoly said:
I just know what he's told me he's said to her. I'm new to this and I haven't spoken to him about my concerns, I suppose, because I've not known him long. Because I accepted he is poly, I sort of feel like I don't have right to start putting pressure on so early on. My gut has felt uneasy for few days now.
Click to expand...
Some people will lie and say they are poly when they are actually cheating. Generally, I'd say go with your gut. If he has to sneak to speak with you when he goes to the store, he's not poly.
 
GalaGirl said:
Welcome.

Since you asked for ideas to think about, here are some. I'll leave it to you to determine what applies to your situation.

Opening Up has a lot of worksheets in it. You can read it free online.

archive.org

Opening up : a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships : Taormino, Tristan, 1971- : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive​



The worksheets are also here:

Wayback Machine
Self Evaluation

Wayback Machine
Creating Authentic Relationships

Wayback Machine
Reflecting on Change

Wayback Machine
Open Relationship Checklist

It's kind of hard to suggest things other than that, because I don't know what you are seeking.
  • Do you mostly want to be monogamous with your husband, but able to have casual sex on the side, sometimes?
  • Do you want to have a full-on poly girlfriend, or a full-on poly boyfriend? (You mentioned that you are bisexual. I see you want to explore with women, but it's possible a guy might catch your eye. Talk it all out with husband.)
  • Do you want to explore swinging? Kink?
  • A combo of various types of non-monogamy?
  • What if he also wants to date? What would he be seeking?
  • What are the dealbreakers?

Other things to talk out might include:
  • Can it be a series of openings, not just jumping into full-on sex?
  • Is this woman okay with it being just a one-time casual-sex encounter?
  • What are the safer sex items you'd use (dental dams, gloves, condoms)? What about sex labs?
  • Budget-- how do you pay for your dates? Do you and spouse already have separate personal checking accounts?
  • How would this end well? What would that look like? How would you aim to land there?
  • How would this end poorly? What would that look like? How would you avoid landing there? Even if you are not seeking poly, you might want to read poly hell. Sometimes the NRE is for a person, but other times it is for the IDEA of new nonmonogamy practices, and you get all excited about that. Sometimes it's both.
  • How will this experience change you and your husband, and how you see each other? If this woman is going to stick around for a while, how will it change her?
  • How will you and your husband deal with the loss of your "old relationship"? You two are ending it on purpose, in favor of starting a NEW relationship shape. The grief might catch you by surprise if you don't realize that is what is happening here. The "old normal" is gone; the "new normal" is not here yet, and things feel destabilized and weird. Even though that is normal in a transition time, now what? How do you cope?
How you handle a one-time casual-sex encounter, like a "one and done," is very different from dealing with a regular poly GF. A one-time encounter is about meeting the person, having some "get to know you" dates for a vibes check, and if you two decide to share sex, you talk about safer-sex practices, the logistics of the sex date, and how to say a polite goodbye. The relationship menu isn't really gonna be a thing there, because it's so short term. But in a longer-term relationship, going over that might be helpful.

HTH!
Galagirl
Click to expand...
I told my wife about this post and the replies. She has ordered this book on Audible for us.
 
Cougarwolf said:
Told my wife about this post and the replies, she has ordered this book on Audible for us.
Click to expand...
Try to listen to it together, pause it, and talk about things as they come up in the book. It’s a great way to really think and talk about things and it builds intimacy.
 
ChikoRollz said:
Any stories or ideas you can share with me, please, to help calm my nerves, so I can just lean in and enjoy?!

Thank you. 🙏🏻
Click to expand...

My journey over the last 3 years (which seems long given the number of drastic changes I’ve moved through despite how short it is compared to 19 years married) is that all of the changes and emotions and thrills and difficulties hit at different times, sometimes with unexpected strength, and it is often equal parts fun and equal parts exhaustion and equal parts frustration and equal parts confusion.

I think what I’m trying to say is, it’s not easy. It just isn’t. For me, opening my marriage was also a realization of an identity I have had inside me my entire life. I wanted a single monogamous life partner to grow old with. But I’ve always actually experienced and held love and the desire to physically/sexually engage with multiple people without removing that desire for one single primary to do the life making with.

Theoretically my current situation should be perfect for me. 😂

And much of it is truly a kaleidoscope of pleasure and delight. Wasn’t prepared for the guilt that would accompany the pleasure. Haha. Wasn’t prepared for the shame that would accompany the openness as I deconstruct from a faith system built on monogamy. Wasn’t prepared for the isolation that came with the sudden removal of myself from society’s tradional view of marriage.

So. I guess I’m just over here in your corner. No amount of advice will make any of these things happen less and might not make moving through them easier.

But I always love knowing I’m not alone when I’m doing a difficult thing. And it’s usually nice to be reminded that despite the difficulty and the work, at the end of the day the “rewards” are still worth it.

Living our current truth is very very freeing on one hand and still sometimes comes with a million feeling similar to puberty in junior high!

The single most helpful thing for me and my husband has been constant emotional connection and reconnection through honesty about our feelings when we feel them and unconditional holding of each other when things are hard.
 
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