Sharing Details of Relationships/Sex

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glowinthedarkstars

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Communication vs. Sharing too much

I know that communication is super important on all aspects. When Nell decided she wanted some space from my OSO, Patrick, I told him so and the reasons why. Patrick got upset because he wishes he never knew why, because now he feels like he has to pretend like he never knew to begin with.

Sometimes I realize I tell too much. For instance, sometimes I chat with my girl friends about my relationships, looking for advice. It's not as though I would call them up to say, "Hey, my relationship is going so wonderfully, so why don't we chat about it?" No, I call when I have troubles. Patrick feels as though that is an invasion of his privacy. Is it? Yes, to an extent, but it involves me, and if I cant talk to my OSO or friends about things, I feel like I am bottling them all up. I think that at age 20, being a female, it is rather natural to complain now and again about things, but Patrick thinks it is not okay for me to do this. I understand and want to respect his privacy, and at the same time I feel it is vital for me to be able to talk to other people.

Sometimes I will talk to Patrick about an instance a friend had. Say he asked me how a friend was, and instead of saying fine, I might say, "She was rather drunk." It might not be my place to say this, but I feel as though I trust Patrick and mean no harm by it. He takes offense, because if I were to say this to him, I might say it to one of my friends about him, which he finds hurtful.

I feel like every time we discuss this, we can never come to a conclusion, because when he tells me to stop sharing stuff with him about other people, I feel this overwhelming feeling of "Wow, I can't talk to anyone about anything!"

I feel kind of like a bad gossipy person, but I honestly never mean any harm. I don't just say anything to anyone.

Do any of you have any ideas on how to discuss this in a manner that will be productive for all parties involved? What are your opinions?

Do you ever talk to a friend about things going on in your relationships, knowing that it is said in confidence between you and your friends? I guess my struggle is I rarely think people are judging me, and do not really care what people talk about me. I am fairly open about my sex life and my social life and whatnot. I have to come to terms that Patrick is more private, in many ways. I feel almost limited by his privacy needs, but at the same time, I understand them and long to respect them. I just feel by doing so I am bottling everything up.

Advice, please?
 
This is a real balancing act, one which some of us have a harder time with than others.

In regards to relationships, I work hard to have distinct lines in the sand, as it were, about what is said. Privacy and discretion are things I work hard to maintain. It is far from easy. I am in the same boat as you, being open and honest about my sexuality, but people around me may not have that liberty. I have to be cognizant of that.

In the end, we all want to be open with someone, but it just isn't possible. You have to respect what he doesn't want to hear, as long as it doesn't become offensive to you.

There is a balance in communicating. There is a sender and receiver. Sometimes in poly, people ignore the receiver's want, in our blind need to communicate everything. Sometimes people forget discretion.

Will mistakes be made? Yes. Hopefully everyone can learn from them.
 
I don't mind opening up everything, as long as I'm with someone who can do the same. If someone has something they don't want to talk about, fair enough. But I'll only hide too. I don't like that. I think in a relationship it is healthier to be completely open. To a random stranger, not so much. I mean, it's not like I'm just going to blurt out my bank details or anything. But that has nothing to do with communication, it's just information nobody but you needs to know.
 
I'm the queen of over-sharing. I have nothing to hide. I like getting as many opinions as I can. I like having conversations about situations with as many people as possible.

I have no doubt I say things that others don't want to hear, or didn't want shared. In some ways I feel guilty about that, but in others, it is who I am.

In the same regard, I am an inquisitive person. I like to know things. Not so much to be a gossip, but more to have a better understanding of people and why they do things. And it helps me connect with them.
 
To me, gossip is when people just badmouth others for no other reason than to make them look bad and to belittle their name. Figuring stuff out by venting, and then getting to the point where one tries to empathize and find a way to work out what is going on, is completely different and very healthy. I hope that people involved in my life would do that, because that is a sign that they love me, or at least care about me. I love it when people ask me stuff about others in order to understand them more... also healthy. It's all in the attitude behind it, I think.

If a person's vent never ends and turns into a negative spiraling-downwards piss session, I'm outta there. I can't stand that shit... Such a waste of time and energy.
 
I agree..

I agree with Redpepper. If what you are doing is talking to get other people's perspectives and help you better understand yourself and what you want, that is healthy. I do that I often won't even know what I want until I talk it out with someone and have the opportunity to express my thoughts successively.

So, maybe that is the way you should try to express it. Say that you are looking to vent your feelings, but get a better more-rounded perspective. You are looking for advice and ways to make your relationship work better that you yourself may not have seen. It is never your intention to badmouth or destroy your relationship.

Even express how supportive your friends are, as I assume they are, based on what you said.

But you are going to have to give a little in terms of the things you may say, because some people are very private, and that will definitely drive a wedge between you. Ask questions like, what things are you uncomfortable with me talking about? What is okay to say? Dig to clarify the lines. And also, try to make it clear that you will say many more things in your relationship about the people around you because of the intimacy you share. And it is not about just babbling on, telling everything that happens to anyone. The nature of your relationship makes you feel as if you can say anything and everything. Or at least that you should be able to.

Anyway, those are my suggestions and thoughts.
 
I talk to close (already proven trustworthy) friends about issues in my relationships. I do not talk to "new" friends, or my parents. I learned the hard way. My family has a harder time forgiving than I do.

I think it's a tightrope walk to find that comfortable place between open communication and crossing privacy boundaries. I think I fuck it up regularly between myself, DH and BF. 😣 But I keep trying.
 
Mohegan said:
I'm the queen of over-sharing. I have nothing to hide. I like getting as many opinions as I can. I like having conversations about situations with as many people as possible.

I have no doubt I say things that others don't want to hear, or didn't want shared. In some ways I feel guilty about that, but in others, it is who I am.

In the same regard, I am an inquisitive person. I like to know things. Not so much to be a gossip, but more to have a better understanding of people and why they do things. And it helps me connect with them.
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This is me all over too. I call it honesty-diarrhoea! I like talking to people about things and hearing different people's opinions. Talking things through helps me figure out my feelings on subjects and how I am going to react to situations. I find that the process of discussion with friends is very important to me in working myself out.

Like Redpepper said, there is a major difference between gossip, which can be nasty (although not always), but is basically for entertainment purposes, and discussing things about your life with friends (or them discussing their lives with you) as a natural function of the relationship you have with the person you are talking to.

My ex-partner was also a privacy freak. To be honest, it's probably a large part of why we are not together anymore. I'm pretty sure if he'd been a more open person, we'd have been talking about things more openly that got kicked under the carpet until it was too late. (We were both at fault; I didn't push him to open up, either.)

I'd go with OneUncagedBird's suggestions to seek clarity and boundaries that are acceptable to both of you, i.e., ensuring that the communication between the two of you about the issue of communication isn't shut down, and finding that compromise, if it's there.
 
Mohegan said:
I like getting as many opinions as I can. I like having conversations about situations with as many people as possible.
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I don't mind my wife discussing things involving me with a close friend or three, as long as I'm convinced those close friends are reasonably discreet. Were she to be having conversations about situations involving me with as many people as possible, there would be very few situations involving me in the future to discuss. Once the divorce were final, there wouldn't be any.

I once sang her a song in voicemail. She thought it was so very cute and shared it with a group of her coworkers. There have been no more songs in voicemail, nor will there ever be another one. I am not a dog and pony show and will not be treated as such by anyone.
 
To Share or Not to Share?

My bf, his gf and I recently got together for a family meeting. There were some issues we were all having and we wanted to sit down and talk them out, and hopefully come up with some solutions/clear the air.

It went really well, but there was a particular problem that came up and I wanted to find out if any of you have had similar problems and how you dealt with them.

My matamour is a very private person and new to polyamory. She said that it made her feel unsafe and insecure to have my bf and me discuss his sex life with her when we were alone together. She said it made her feel excluded and she wanted to keep their sex life private.

To me, being able to ask my bf about his sex practices with other partners is essential to my feelings of security and safety. Also, I enjoy hearing about new and exciting things he is doing sexually. I was triggered by the thought of not being able to find out what I need to feel secure, and had a lot of trouble communicating that to her.

In the end, we worked out an agreement that if they did anything new in bed, that either he would ask her permission before telling me, or that she would tell me herself. Also, I would work on asking her directly about what they were doing (which made me uncomfortable, but I promised I would try.

Have any of you had issues with full disclosure? How did you deal with that?
 
There was a discussion about this on fakebook recently.

The issue that needs to be addressed is: why is it necessary for you to know what they do in the sack together? Is it because you need to know you're "better" than she is? Do you need to "keep score"? If he's doing something with her that you don't like or aren't interested in doing, does that make you feel inadequate? If they are doing something together that you and he DO enjoy together, does that make you feel inadequate? Ask yourself questions along those lines, get to the root of why it's so important to you, and deal with the underlying causes of your hangups, instead of re-arranging your life around your hangups. I apologize in advance if my choice of the word "hangup" irks you. It irks me too.
 
I'm with Neon on this one. I'm of the mind that if you give your blessing to a partner's sexual intimacy with another person, than that is as far as disclosure needs to go, unless they are involving other people in that activity or there is a sexual safety incident.

His girlfriend has every right to complete privacy about what they do with their bodies, in my opinion. If it is something you can come to a mutually-comfortable compromise on though, that is great.
 
I am a newbie, but I would think that if their relationship is separate from yours with him, that she is entitled to privacy. It might not bug you if they talk about his sex life with you, but if it did, that would be okay and you would expect them to respect that. I would think it could take away from the intimacy, and even the security of her experiences with him.

As long as they are being safe and not crossing any of the set boundaries ya'll might have, I say they should have privacy. She obviously feels uncomfortable and needs to know that her feelings matter. I would probably feel kinda weird about it, too.
 
I know that I have had a certain "curiosity" as to what hubs and his GF do, but I've never asked, because I do feel like that would be a violation of their privacy. Hubs and I have spoken in theory about how if something new gets discovered with another person we'd like the ability to maybe introduce it into our relationship (this working both ways), but specific details to me seems really voyeuristic and not in a voluntary way. :eek:

I totally agree with seeing why knowing the details brings you security, and working on it from that angle. Really, in the long run, it may take more work, but the personal growth that comes with finding and eliminating insecurities is much more long-lasting.
 
Hmm, I can understand your excitement when hearing what your bf does in bed with another, but I don't quite understand how knowing what they do makes you feel secure, unless you're talking about a safer sex issue. That is puzzling to me.

That being said, the need his other gf has to to keep it all private is even more puzzling to me. Why should it matter that he's talking about sexual activities he is participating in with one of the women he participates with? Aren't you all adults? I love being able to talk about sex with my friends. I've always done that. Get together with girlfriends, "What did he do? What did you do?" and so on. Why should it be different with someone I'm involved with? Fine if she doesn't want to hear what you and he do, but why should she censor him when he's alone with you?

Okay, I guess there's no solution coming from me. I'm just offering another opinion. So, I would still question yourself to understand why you need to know. If it's just prurient interest that gets you off, I think that's great. But if it's some sort of weird need to be in control or monitor him, or you use the information against yourself in some way, that's not too cool.

And on the other other hand, I think she's making a mountain out of a molehill.
 
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Agreed with nyci. I don't think it's a big deal knowing or not knowing, talking or not talking, but I would ask yourself the questions I put to you earlier in the interest of self-growth and understanding, and for the long haul. If you really do have issues about "security" you should address those instead of trying to change the world around you to accommodate denial.
 
Fayerweather said:
My bf's gf is a very private person and new to polyamory. She said that it made her feel unsafe and insecure to have my bf and me discuss his sex life with her when we were alone together. She said it made her feel excluded and she wanted to keep their sex life private.

To me, being able to ask my bf about his sex practices with other partners is essential to my feelings of security and safety. Also, I enjoy hearing about new and exciting things he is doing sexually. I was triggered by the thought of not being able to find out what I need to feel secure, and had a lot of trouble communicating that to her.
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Beloved and I had to work out some similar issues when we started seeing other people. I did not want to give her details about what I did sexually with other lovers, because I'm naturally pretty reticent and private about such things, and because I assumed that telling her in detail would hurt her. (We did talk about what our mutual rules for safer sex practices are.) I was worried she would compare, wonder why I did such and such with so and so, the quality of my orgasms with so and so versus with her, etc. I also need space to process stuff in my head, which means I hesitate to talk about said stuff until I have a handle on it. (See the Privacy thread for more on this.) So I was generally reluctant to give her details.

However, Beloved needed to hear from me because, to her, it was reassuring to *know* what I was doing, rather than imagining what I was doing. She is a bit of an exhibitionist and a voyeur, so there was that aspect of it. Telling her made her feel more secure, which I, honestly, don't really get. However, it is true for her.

So what we do is, I tell her sexual practices, but not 'play-by-play' details. I tell her what makes me come with other lovers and how my general desires are evolving.

I don't know if this is of any help to you, but perhaps there is something you can use.
 
Fayerweather said:
Have any of you had issues with full disclosure? How did you deal with that?
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The person whom you would be talking about has all the rights here. Discretion and privacy are up to that person. You should find another way to find security in the sexual side of the relationship. When I am in relationships, I expect some degree of privacy and discretion. I try to offer that, and in turn, I don't ask. I don't know a thing beyond my wife being involved with another person. Details feel invasive.
 
Privacy all the way. My sex life is mine and the other person's alone. I think she has a valid concern for her privacy and the privacy of their relationship. It's really kind of her to offer ANY details to you.
 
Hello everyone,

I just registered. This looks like a great forum! I'm really interested in the ethics of various types of sexual/family relationships. It's so good when people take the responsibility to openly discuss polyamory concerns, instead of just seeing what they can get away with secretly, without any concern for the consequences, or anyone else's feelings.

Anyway, in response to this thread, I think that it is reasonable to expect one's partner to be free to talk about whatever they're doing with other partners. Of course, it changes things a bit when people are using your openness to spy on you. I think when you openly agree to having multiple partners, you should also feel comfortable talking about each other, with each other, as long as there is mutual respect. Keeping secrets is usually more painful than the information that is being kept secret, imo.
 
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